Chicago Daily Tribune Newspaper, May 31, 1874, Page 10

. Hartman being found, ho was cajoled intos ’ - 10 THE CHICAGO DAILY TRIBUNE: SUNDAY, MAY 3I, 1874 JUSTICE-COURT JURIES. | Talks with Constable, Lawyer, and Justice. Perfect 2greement as 1o the Rotten- ness of tho System, HowtheJurors Are Drilled and Paid. The Constable'’s Part in the Trans- action. Powerlessness of the Justice-— Inadequacy of the Pres- ent Law, Ihe Jury Bystem an Engine of Knavery and Fraud. The Mishaps of Lardlords. Tho preeent jury system, as applied particu- larly to the courts of Justices of the Peace, hag more than once been referred to in Tne TRIn- UNE 85 a farce, and the causo of groat wrong to persous who are so unfurtunate as to be plain- tiffs before these tribunals. Mach evidence has been adduced to substantiate the aesortions made, but, since they were general rather than speciic, & reporter was dirceted to interview such persons a8 were thoroughly familiar with the Workiugs of the system and obtain their views of it. The result of bis labors is given below with- out comment, the subject matter unfolding the story with suflicient perspicuity, and meking critcisw or explauatory remarks unnecesssry : PR tto THE CONSTABLE'S STORY. ~ A Constshle waus first hunted up, aud George conversation by the promise of & “ puff,” when he made an arrest—for the Conatable will not disalose anything in relation to his tribe unless such a recompense is held out to him. Reporter—You know the inside of this jury system, acd 1 want you to tell me all about it— how juries are impaneled, and what it costs to get them to givo a cortain verdict? THE UNHOLY COMPACT. Hartman—Yes, I am familiar with the modus operandi, s the shyster would sy, and will let you into the secretif you will giveme a good send-off when I make an arrest. Reporter—Certaiuly, go ahead. HOW IT IS DONE. Hartman—Well, say a certain lawyer has a client that is sued, and bas no case—such a ono that it he came before & Justice be would be beaton. Well, the lawyer goestoan outside man— lteézaner—\\'baz do you mean by an cutside man? OX THE BPOT. Hartman—The leader of a gang of profession- als. He goes to him—not to a Constable, mind ‘—and says, **I am going to have n jury trial st such and such a Justice's oflice, 2nd I 3m going to get a venire, and will give it to a certuin Con- stablo.” Thben he goes and gets the venire, and while he is doing it the outside man gathers Lis gaug together, and they post themselves as the foot of tho stairs loadiug to tho Jusiice's oftice, and when the ofilcer comes down-stairs (be dou’t know anything abous the arrangement) b reade his vouire to tie men, and takos them &5 jurors, a8 if they were there casually, and not intentiouelly. i Reporter—Are there no names in the venire ? Hartman—No. The officer gets the names sLcn he summons them, THE NEXT STEP. Reporter—After they are picked up, what is done? Hariman- Theyaro brought into court and Bworn to aiewer well and truly auch questions s may be nshed of them. Reporter—Who sdministers the oath? Harlmso—The Justice. Reporter—Do they snswer “woll and truly 7 LUNCH DETECTIVES. Hartman—They all say they aro business meu—that they are merchants, clerks, bankers, oto., when,ss a matter of fact, they work as oothing but lunch detectives around the ealoons. Reporter—* Luoch detectives 7" Hartman—Yes; fellows who hang eround the lunch tables and detect, that is, gobble up, the bread and wmustard and bologns. UTTERLY IGNORAXT. Reporter—Are they questioned regarding an uaintauceship with the parties to tne suit, and = knowledge of the case? Hartman—Yes, and they swear they don't know anythung about it. Reporter—When are they posted as the ver- dict 1bey must render? Harunan—The outside man tells them thoy are to find for the plaintiff or defendent, whichavor the attorney represents. Tepo:ter—The luwser on tho other side knows nothing of the arrangoment? IIOW DISAGREEMENTS HAPPEN. Hartman—He gouverally does not. I have known of instauces though, where the defend- ont aud pleintiff had esch bought up six jury. men, and the result wos a magmemuuz.flr{{ the lawsver on the other mde is an old bend, he drops on the game, and asks questions, and the first batch of Jurors are excused. That doesn’t happen ofton, Lowever. In this [Daggett’s] offico, tho other day, & jury gotten up by & certain Gonstable— there were twelve of them—wero sworn to an- swer the usual questions, and four of tliem &wore that they bad not been on s jury for three monthe. Now the truth was, they had been on juries within o week, aud the Justice happening to recognize their faccs, seut them off. One of the lawyers then quest:oned tho other eight, and the whole crowd was bounced, since they all lied, weveral of them having served on jurics a iewddaya bofore 1n cases which the attornoy had tried. Heporter—Aro these fellaws often rejocted ? HALNING TH : BID. Hartman—It depc1 d8 atogether upon the at- torneysin the casc. ‘woey usually take them without s question. Nt long ago & chauge of veaue was brought here, because the Constable at the oflice where the uit was brought had Bxed up the jury for tho defendant: The plaintiff found it out, and set another outside man to work, and ho raiecd the other fellow sov. eral dollars, and the result was the verdict went for the pluntifr. lfltagnrter—\\'hnt amount was involved in the Bnit Hartman—Only £75; and ihe 2V - ment for the plaintil in the sum":rryefso.’ indg Reporter—Was an appeal taken ? Hartman—~No. " ‘WHO ARE THEY ? meP;e?nnax—“’hn are theso professional jury- Hurtman—They are fellows saloous and Justice offices Courts, aud go straw bal or when they nre a-ked to; and they represent themselves to be oflicers, and are up to all kinds of dodges which will yield a stanip. Reporter—Are, in fact, vagrants ? Hartman—Yes ; but they will swear they are mechanics, clerks, bookkecpers, etc. They may Luve been once, but it has been & long whilesince &0y of them put in a good day's work, 4 zl;-?m“_ 0w mauy of them are there in the Hurtman—Well, there are about 100 on the Bouth Side. CHAXGING AROUND. Reporter—Do ot the lawyers who practice in the Justice Courts kuow them 2 Hartman—How can they 7 The by the outride man; aud he over to the West Side, Bide, and keeps moving, though always bugy. Reportor—From what you say I elould judge 8 larg number of cases in Justice Courts arg non by packing juries? Hartman—Yes; but they are exceptions. who hang around 2nd the Police act as witnesses gang are led changes Lis mob aud theu to the North Hartman—TJ do not know that they do. Ibave Dot been in that court forn year. Reporter—Is it not a fact that Justices' Courts are regarded as plaintiffs’ courts—that is the ver- dicts are invariably for the plaintift? Hartman—That is true in a great many caces but the South Bide Justices generally go accord- ing to the law and the evidence. i‘leponur—l’bs Justices cannot set aside the verdict ? . Hartman—No. They could under the old law. The pew ouo was changed on the 1st of July iast. . They could stop this packing of juries then, but canuot do it now. There is no remedy but an appeal. THE 3USTICES, Reporter—The Justices kuow it is done, do they not ? Hartman—Not slways. When they do, they bouuce the bummers, Tieporter—But they get on jurles vory often? Hartmon—Yes, whon the Justice does not know them. Reportor—They will swear to ansthing? Hartman—You bet. - Reporter—And if a man wanted a witnoss all he would have to do would be to give him a polut or twe to start on, and trust to his cheek to carry bim through? B 4 Hartman—That is all. Thoy will do anything to make a dollar or two. THE OUTSIDE AN, g Repaflar—whnl distinguishes the ‘outside mmsc " from his associates ? Hartman—Woll, ho is the emartost ono of the Jot—tho business manager. Thero are generally cight or ten of them in tho gang. ; Reporter—Has uot the Coustable sometimes an izterest in the money paid for gettivg up a jury 2 P artman—I have heard 1t o stated, but I never knew of an instance of the kind. NO DECENT MEN AVAILADLE. Reporter—Are efforts ever mado to secure respectable men for jurors ? Hartman—Ceztaioly. But if yon take a venue and go into a store, aud summon the proprietor or the clerks, they will fotch around an aftidavit that they cannot attend; and hence these pro- fessionals are picked up bocauso no other men are available, o Reporter—Businoss men object to sitting on Juries 7 A Hartman—They object to coming into Jus- tices' Courts, lot slon kitting on a jury. _ Reporter—Then you very seldom got a jury of ctablo men ? Hartman—Not often. Roportor—What is your opinion of the jury- eystem, judging from your expericnce of its workings ? % A GRASD FRAUD. Hartman—Tt is_a humbug and a farce ; ver- dicts are raroly given according to tho law and the evidence. Reportor—What proportion of the jurors aro able to understand the testimony ? Hartman—A very small one. Many of thom (g0 to eleep, and I bave scon many of them in that condition. It does not make any differonce whether the hear the testimony or not, as thoir minds are made up, sud what interest is it to them to listen to the commeuts of the attornoys? dr gt THE LAWYER’S STORY. Having secured tho views of a Constable, the next thing to be done was to get those of an al~ torney who is famliar with the ins aud outs of the Justices’ Courts, and such an one was found in H. A. Wilder, who relsted his experience in this wiso. Reporter—I underatand. Mr. Wilder, that you are posted in the mysteries—not exactly that, because the buying of jurymen is a8 evident as daylight—but say the abuses of the jury system. Mr. Wilder—Yes, I have seen it all, 1 guess. AN ILLUSTRATION. Reporter—Tilustrato it. Mr. Wilder—Well, the best illustration of the systom is in relation to landlord aud tenant. A man hes s house that is worth a good deal of mouey to bim ; the tonant refuses to pay the rent, and he sues him. Lhen comes in the prac- tice of putting up 8 jury to favor tho tenant, and enable him fo win the case. Probu- bly Lo is payiog €40 or €53) a month reut. It costs him about half to win tho snit, and he is just §20 or £25 shead. When the suit is commenced, some one invariably tells the tensut to take & jury. He calls ona Conuta- ble, and tho Conatablelgats him up a jury Lo give a verdict for bim for so much money. Thore aro any nuwber of men—-bummers sud_such—ul- ways ou hand ; and thoy do nothing else but sis on jurics. Tho get ¥3 or §4 apicce, or whatover they cau squeeze out of the purty after giving & verdict for him. The Constablo is generally tho middleman, aud be or somebody for him, goes to onoof the leaders of & gang of professional jurymen and tolls him he wants a jury at such 8 time and ot such & place in a certain case. The middlo or outside mau gets them together, and has them there, and the Coustable impanels them. In order toguarantoe a properveraict, be has ta tell them that there is 8o much money in it, whether there 18 or not. THE RASCALLY CONSTABLES. Reporter—Do tho Constables evor *beat ™ the Jurymen? Mr. Wilder—Yes—pocket all they get from the party who wants to win the case, Some- times they only treat tho intelligent jurors. You know that tho partics can bave 8 jury of six or of twelve. Bometimes each party calls for six, and, the two gangs having been paid to bring in different verdict, why they disagree, DISHONEST LAWYERS. Reporter—Are not the countenances of these fellows familiar to the attorneys who practice in the Justice Courts ? Mr. Wilder—Some of them aro; but there are Inwyers who aseist in packing the juries. The jurymen beloug in difTorent parts of the city, aud, after baving sorved on the South Side for o while, they emigrate to the West Side, and then to the North, going through atl the courts where their gervices are nceded. They can only be ex- cused fiom serving for causo, and when ono does not know any causo, be is obliged to tuke them, no matter how corrupt thoy may bo. Evenif half adozenare excused, the middle- man, under the orders of tho Constable, has others thero, and the exme kind of men as those dismissod, aro placed on the venire. Three or four pancls might be exbaustéd, and still you would be confronted by the same class of men. And, after you have selected six or twelve, a8 the case may be, no matter what the evidence is, or how plain the law, the chances are nine in ten that their ver- duct will be contrary to both, bocauso they have been bought up by the party who has a weak case. They will take §1, or 60 cents, or even & drink for giving such and such s verdict, and if the middleman has not_divided with them, they will go to the party who won the suit and ssy to him: *I wentyour way. You had no case. I want some monoy.” Sometimes thoy get $1 or 2, and then again they do not. THE BUMS PAID. Reporter—What are thoy usually paid ? Ar. Wilder—It depends on the amount in- solved. The tenants who wish to beat a land- lord out of his ront pay the most; and, often- timet whon an arrangement has been made and no money paid down, the middlemen bose clients until they are atmost wild. Reporter—The Constables work tbrough the ‘middlemen ? Mr. Wilder—Yes,and I toll you tho Constables are making more money than any Iawyer, POWER OF TIE JUSTICES. Reporter—Cannot the Justices prevent the packing of jurics ? Mr. Wilder—No. The law says that they are to be excused peremptorily for canse, but if a fellow porjures himself, and you dou’t kuow he N Iying, how can you help yourself ? You are obliged” to stand by and seo the case decided coutrary to the law and the evidenca. Roporter—The system must be a fraud, then ? Ir. Wilder—Yes. If 8 man is not up to the tricks, no matter how good a case he has, the verdice will be against lum ; and that often in spite of all he can do. B THE CRIMINAL COURT. Reporter—Does the practice of packing juries provail to any extent in the Criminal Court 7 Mr. Witder—ln my opinion, it does. Reporter—Who get up the juries thero ? Mr. Wilder—The Bailiffs. Professional jury~ men serve thero ; and I know of five or sixin- stances where juries wero pat up. " ‘l.}ggo;m—‘{:m lawyers have men put on the = & ; e el y.will be available when their 1. Wilder—Well, it is done; but Charle; Roed does not kuow anything aboot it, beoaues bo cannot keep track of the Bailiffs and the jurymen and evervihing else. Even professional thieves are sometimes impaneled, and what is the use of & man standing up and arguing 10 such fellows, when ho knows thres arCiinS 19 thom are cortain 0 go agunst him. There 5 one attorney—I will not name him—who owes bis succoss entiroly to panking juries. As thinga are now, 2 man Lias no show on tho merituof the case unless he makes the trickery of the bnsi. THE CUST, Reporter—How much does it cost to buy a Juri~8107 Hartman (astonished)—$10; it would be Curistmas for them to get §10. Reporter—How much then ? Hartman—Not more than 83 or @4 divided among them—enough to get a square meel and gomething to drink. They all have a lunch raute, and do nothing except &it on juries, P Rstpgncr—Do they ever get into the Criminal our! ness a special study, or packs a jury himself, Sinoo the, legistatnre allowed Juroms ps e pumbers have increascd immensely, and there are three now where there was one before WHY NOT PROSECUTE THEM ? Reporter—Why are they not prosecuted for ?:1“?1; when'it is known that they have sworn sely Mr. Wilder—T don’t know. What is_every- body's business is nobody's bueiness. No one takes any interest in the matter. If appoals are taken, ope can genorally gob justice in tho highs er courts. Clients often say, ** Why didn’t you win that case ? You c%rtnjinly bad u:i k:;!:ho; it!" " If you tell them the jury was packed, the do not un’demund you. They thiukthe old rules obtnin now, but thoy are sadly mistaken. Roportor—Groat injustice must be done by tho system ? Mr. Yrilder—There is no doubt of it. THE JUSTIOPS. Roporter—Are not Justice Courts regarded 28 plaintiff’s courts—that is, landlords bave noshow aainst tenanty, or employors against employed 2 Mr., Wilder—That is true of a}glalt many, but there are exceptions: Hamnes, mndnle‘lfluull y, and Daggott are protty square men; they sre natprefindficw, and will give a man s sbow for his rights. The attorneys are posted on the Jus- tices who favor complainants, aud invariably ssk for a change of veuue. Reporter—Do the Justices who show favont- ism gother in auythiog au extra fees ? 5 Mr. Wider—I¢ is said they do, but there is no evidance of i 5 Reporter—Do you think the system ought to bodouo away with? Mr. Wilder—I do, entirely, Then everybody would have an equal chance. Reporwor—Wero juries packed before the pres- ont law was enacted ? IN OTHER DAYS. Mr. Wilder—Yes ; but more 60 since the fire than previously. There used to be professional jurors in the old Rocorder's Court all the time, but they were never objected to. Reporter—Why not ? Ar. Wilder—Because they would give Just ver- dicts, dopending x:ipau the feos only for o living. Reportor—would they not take money from & party intorested 7 Mr. Wilder—No. They all seemed to be square men, notwithstanding they were professionsls. ‘They made an honest living. TReporter—Do you think ane of the present sot would refuse anything offered him ? Mr. Wilder—Can & guck 8wim ? Reporter—Who are they, generally ? Ar. Wilder—Vagrants, dyod in the wool; and mouy of them have the roputation of being thieves—fellows who would steal a dirty shirt and men who hang around eaioons and gobble uP the lunch and drink the leavings in the beer- glasses, - e THE JUSTIOE’S STORY. The reporter next called on Justice Haines, and guostioned hiw, Iteporter—What is your opinion of the jury- systom aa appliod to Justices’ Courts. AN INSTRUMENT OF FRAUD. Justice Haines—I think it is worso than uso- less and ought to be abolished, becsuss it is really used =s an instrumont 5o help a man through with & bad case, and Ido not know of an instance where it was used to give a man his righta, Reportor—How do the Conatables manipulate it—I suppose thoy are in a great measure re- spousible for the evils growing out of 1t 7 HOW IT WORKS. Jastice Haines—Thoy are; thatis, the dis- honest ones. This is how it works : If a man has & caso that ho conaiders about hopeless, and be is anxious to win it at any cost, he calls for » venire,—usually for twelve jurors, bocause that procludes the other party from ealling for six, which, perhaps, he might do, and thereby get some honest mon to serve. The man takes this venire and gives it to the Con- stable to serve, =ud, if the Coustable is not honest, and they generally select thoss who are not—thers are some honest Constablos, strango 88 it may appear—he goos off and picke alot of fellows and puis thom on the jury. A groat many of theso pick-ups are bummers and loafers of the worst sort, and, of courso, tho other party objects Lo as wany as Le can, but, as they will ewear to anything, it is very difficult, uuless one is thoroughly acquainted with all the Laugers-on around tio different Justices’ Courts, to tell whethor what they make oath tois true or or fulse. The Justices reject oy many ss they can, but the troublo is, the i uic oune man iy rejectod the Coustable goes out and brivge in another just as bad ; aua they always kuow the meu, sothe consequence is tho whole panel is filled up with about the samo class of fellows, and all the objectious mado are useless, bocause no mattor how many are thrown asido, others will be broughi in to™ take their pluces. Reportor—From your statemens I should tuink you do uot often bave a good jury ? Justice Hames—L nover eaw bui oe or wwu good juries in my cxperionce of soveral yesrs. LOW TO GET GQOD MEN, Reporter—Why cannot better and more ro- sponsible men be Becured for such service ? Justicoe Haines—Well, ono groat ubstacle s businesy men object to serviug. They refuse to come, and, though an attachment can’ be issued if the parties request it, the complainaut or do- fendantgenerally tells tho Coustable to got some- Dody else. Whon business men do happen toget in, they nek 10 be excused ; but wo get them so seldom that I never lut them off if X can help it. GENERAL REPORT. Reporter—Are these jurors the Constables bring in—the loafera I mean—bought np? Justice Haines—Evorybody says they are, I Lave heard men say thoy were willing to make affidavit that jurors had received pay, sud bad boen bribed by the Constable beforeband ; though Icould not say that they ware, because I nover saw auything of the kind, You might say that it is generally known tobea fact that they are Dbought up. Reporter—If that is ““generally known™ why are they not prosecuted Justico Haines—They are not prosecuted, becauso nobedy is sutliciently interested in the matter todo it. I have Lad men say to me after cases were ovor that, if calied upow, they would bo willing to testify that jurors had beon bought up—that money Lind beon given them—but, as no one took wierest evough in the thing 14 see it through, they would not become proxscutors thomselves. .1t 1s impossible for the Justices to do auything, since they caunot act uutil com- plaint is wado, and they know the facts only through othor persons; and, if thoy will not prosecute, we caunot. LEGAL PAY. Roporter—What componsation are the jurors allowed by law? Justico Haines—They get 50 cents, which is paid by the party who calls the jury. But ihat 13 their uomiual compensation. Thoeir actual compensatiou is somirhat greater. Reporter—Cun a party to a euit get up such jury without the co-operation of tho Constable? Justico Haines—No. An honest Constable can get up o good jury. Dut a dishonost one will Dave a Jarge lot of bummers near by, They will come around beforo the suit commences, and tho Constables will gather thom from tho three sides of tho river. I bave seen mon who belonged on tho North Side—men who came over expressly toservoon juries—profcssionals. And, as they are hangug around, and some on tho venire may hiave been rojocted, tho attornay will sny, “Tgke them, they are ‘by-standers.’” You know the lnw says, if any of the jury are not accepted, * bystanders” can be taken; and an attorney who I8 not well posted, will take some vf these fellows. Thore are at times thirty or forty of thom loafing around, especiatly when interested partics are anxious to have a cage de- cided in their favor. THE REMEDY. Reporter—Ia thero any remedy for this frand? Justics Haines—There is. The Legslature paseed o law in 1872 giving Justices power to grant a new trial whore & care bad been iried by Jury, if they thought the verdict improper; but that law was repenled the following year.' Its operation was very beneticial, and there were very fow packed juriéa whils ‘it was in force. Since its repeal, the system has been worse than ever before. Reporter—Under the prosent law it cannot be remodied ? Justice Hatnes—No ; becanse as long as there are Constables who 'can bo induced to pack juries, they will be packed. And it is impossible Tor » Justice to say arbitrasily, this or that man is not & good juror.” If the parties do not object to bim, it is bardly the Justice's place to dismiss him unloes he is notoriously a profes- sional juror. It the Justice knows ho has been on & jury within threo moncha, it is his duty to excuse him. I alwaysdo it, whether tho man be objectod to or not. Dut a5 a general thing it is imposaible to tell, since there are some who are known as professionals and others who are not, though they are bad men, and susceptible to money intluence. Reporter—Do kuown professionals serve vers often ? Justice Haines—Well, sometimes the parties do not object to them, and again they would just as soon have thems as others. But if the Justice is acquainted with their faces,he will not allow them to git on a jury. Reporter—You concider the systema fraud ? PERFECTLY USELESS. Justice Haines—Yes, and perfectly usoless. I never saw a person with a good case that woe belpad by a jury. Itisreally an eogine to op- presa tho people. I have seen plenty of cases where there wasno defense—not a particio of evidence—and the jury would render s verdict for the plaintiff or defendant in accordance with the instructious of the Constable. I had & caso in pownt before me once. The Brighton Company eued a man by the usme of Gallagher for $90 rent, and the jury found for the de- ferdant, and assessed his damages at £100— %070 him that for boing sued. That is amply & instance of what absurd verdicts juries will bring in. The Justice has no suthority to instruct them gs to the law. The attorneys get up and malie the most outrageous misstatements of law and fact, and wa cannot stop them. Our ouly duty undor the statuto, is to instruct the jury as to tha form of their verdict. We cannot set it aside, though palpably unwarrauted by tho law sud the evidence, and, in faof, tho Justico is & mere Agure-head during s trial by jury. He rules morely a3 to the admissibility of evidence ; and tho attorneye may lay down such laws as they choose. and the Justice cannot say & word. 1t we had tho right to instruct the jury, some of the dofacta of tho system might be Temodied, 334, 1f we could grant a new trial, we could of- Stually put an end to tho presont corruption of jurors, becauss there would be no object in packing juries, as it would do no one any good. The testimony given above, shows exactly what the present ;ury aystem ' in the Justices' Courts is, and, if {t could be got at, it would probably be found that, even in the Criminal Court, jurles are packed for special cagea. It also proves that the clause prohibiting profes- sionals from serving on juries is a dead letter, and that the recent Jury Iaw does not protoc the rights of parties as well aa the old one, since it precludes the setting aside of & palpabiy un- just or absurd verdict. T SHILES. Bome monstrous moralist lays down this rule Amoug bis mazfne: Always wear s smile. Ho must buve learned it in some Jesuit school, Where deepest wisdom is but deepest guile, ‘Who would obey mnst set himself the task— A hateful one—to always wear a mask, Your constant mmilet is hypocrite. “Tis evil that must hide, not honesty, o whose expression alwsys wears & bit, A very prince in wickedness niay be. “A’'man moy smilo and be a villain still;” And he who alwcays smiles, bo sure e twill, A gl ts lovely whon, turough lip and eye, Tho sunny swoetncss of a soul shines out Like & quick glimpse of glory ; is a i When inner darkness it but wraps about, Night rulvs us all at times ; shall we, the whils, Hide our sad midnight with a morning smile 7 Our faces aro our windows, Tait meet That one aliould always keep his curtains down 7 When smiles aro but the draping of decelt, Botter, far better, were an hoest frown, By semblance falsely sweet sin hides its art— from men—God looketh on the heart. EiLex P, ALLERTON. LITERARY NOTES. PERIODICALS IECEIVED. In the Westminster Review for Avril (Leonard Scott Pablishing Company, New York), the prin- cipal articles are: “Tho Bible ss Interpreted by Mr. Arnold ;™ ¢ Pangenesis;” * The Song of Sougs;" *The Development of Puyclology;” “The' Greatost of the Minnesingers;" and Moral Philosophy at Cambridge.” Iu Blackwood's Majazine for May (Leonard Scott Publishing Company, New York), con- tinuations are given of *The Story of Valentine and His Brother,” * Alice Lorraine,” and * International Vaoities;” there is a paper on the legend of * Hercules;" Lord Lyt~ ton coniributes a poem, entitled ‘ Dates and Dates,”—a plea for fablo; and the snbjsct of “The Budget and the Income-Tax ™ is discussed at considerable length. The Illustrated Jowrnal for May (American Publishing Cnmpnn{. Cbic:fn) has four full- page illustration.—* Matehed at Last,” ““Amon; the 1lills,” ** A Friend in Need,” and ** The Dea Pot,"—and a nomber of small cuts, Uniled States Medical and Surgical Journal for April (Drs. A, E. Small, R. Ludlam, Charles Adams, aad R. N. Foster, Chicaro). T§:§ Sanitarian for June (A. N. Boll, New York). The Book-Buyer for Msy (Scribner & Co., New York). ‘The Coinmon School for May (W. E. Crosby, Davenport, lows). MISCELLANEOUS ITEMA. Misa Clristina Koselti will bring out, just bo- foro Cbristmas weck, & new volume of tales. —The finished manuscripts loft by John Stnart Mill, desling with “Theism™ and **Nrture,” are now passing through the press, and will, it is expected, be shortly published. —3ra. Abby Sago ltichardson has been vritin another popular history of America, which Hi & Houghton will publish. —The son of Dr. Livingstono has resigned s promising career in Egypt for the purposo of editing the correspondence and other very lv:lu;mi:fnl materials of historic valuo left by o fathor —An authorized translation of Comte’s great work is being prepared by the English Positivista. “The System of Positive Polity " will appear in four volumes, each by one of the English lighta. —Aliss Anna Dickingon's book—which is not 1o be anovel, nor protest, nor suything of that sort—is coming in a short time, It 1s a merics of talks or sketches of bLer experiences in oing up and down, sud round and about in eoturing. —It is Miss Harriet W. Preston and the wife of Mr. Goddard, editor of the Boston Adrertiser, who edit the volume of poetical selcctions for ths summer tourists, *‘Seaand 8Shore,” which Roberts Bros, promise immediately, —Tenuyson recently expressed himself to the effect thst a writer's early efforts were like cbips in a workeLop—of no use when the com- pleted work was to bo had. —* Baby Sylvester: a Bear Story” is to be the fllzlo of Brot Harte's story in the July St Nich- olas. —The result of forty years’ experience in in- dia on the part of a British Inspector-General of Hospitals 18 put into a book on cholera, which the Putnams are to publish on this side the water. —Mr. M'Kie, of Kilmarnock, has in view tho publication of o *“Burns Calendar snd Handy Register of Burnsiaua,” which will form a record of ovents in the poet's history, of names asso- ciated with his life and writings, and s concise hib]ia%rupby‘ Mr. J'Kie baa devoted himself to the collection of everything that could throw anything on the life or works of Burua. —The New York Tribune's efforts toward chenp literature, in its Lecture Extras, have in- citeda young pablistier in that city to issue a series of * Popntar Belections from the Poets," at tho remarkably low prico of 10 cents. ** Locksley Hall™ will lead the venture, and ia tobo printed on tomed paper, to havo a fine wood-cut and sttractive cover. —Tho anniversary of the birth of Ariosto is to be colohrated at Ferrara on the 8th of Septem- bor, aud preparations for the ceromony bave al- ready beon commenced, under the auspices of a Comitato Ariasteo, in Ferrara, of which Dr. Bor- gum is the Prosident, and Dr. A. Bottoui tho ecretery. The popular dramatist sud poet, Signor Piotro Cossa, of Romo, has accepted tho invitation to write an_historical play on Ariosto, which is to be performed during the festival. —Tho Now York Nation tells us that the Iapi Oaye (Word-Carrier), s monthly newspaper, in the Dakota Isugungé, has reached the third num- ber of its third volume. More than a thousand Dakota Indiuus can read; snd sbout five hun- dred subscribe to tbe Japi Oaye. Anothor ln- dian newspaper is Our ifonthly, prioted in the Crook é}lnukokee) language, at_Tullahasseo, Creek Nation. The number for January, 1874, began the third volume. Our Monthly, like moro pretentions journals, has its Washington cor- respondont—n self-taught Creek, Mr. Thompson Perryman. —Tho unprinted part of * Pepys’ Diary” is, it i8 announced, being deciphered anew by Mr. Mynors Dright, aud it contains several very in- teresting passsges rolating to the theatres of the old gossiper’s time. This fresh matter will be included in the new edition of tho diary. —Mossrs. William Wood & Co., of New York, are to publish by subscription an English trans. Iation ‘of a ‘‘Cyclopmdia of tho Practice of Medicine,” now prepuring in Germany by 2 num- ber of promiuent medical instructors, at the head of wuom is Dr, H. Von Ziomsaen, Profes- sor of Clinical Modicine at Eclangen. The work is t0 bo issued in_fifteen volumes (large octavo, of from 500 to 700 pages esch), of which the first will be resdy in Auguatand subsequent ones at intervals of three moaths. % Saturday makes two practical sug- gestions as to privato libraries, the first, to got rid of the backs in a lins of books caused by the upright supports or partitions. “Wo have seen an miamnus remedy in moroceo backs, duly gilted snd lettered, ridmg thess partitions, so that to the eye they are books, yet never can be takon down.” Another practical difficulty which aunoys one is tho tendency of books in paper to {ray at the edges of the back and then to fall to pieces, A simple preventivo will he found in LWo narrow strips of cloth clasping the upper and lower edgo of the back of the book. He need be no wider than & narrow tape, but they will presorve the book much boyond its ap- pointed time for breaking up.” —Tu the library of Jir. J. . Fields, of Boston, there 1s 3 quarto voluma containing tho follow- 1Dg poetic treasures, all in the handwriting of thoir authers : Longfollow's ** Psalm of Life " sod * Excelsior,” Brsaut's “ Thanatopsis,” Browping's “Huw They Brought the Good Nows." Mrs. Browning's ** Sicop,” kingaloy's * Thres Fishers,” Tom Moore's “ Dear Harp of My Country,” Mrs. Hemans' “ Things um'gmuga," Whittier's * Barbara Frietchie,” Bret Harto's ‘* Heathen Clunee,” Allan Cunningham's “ Song of Richard Faulkner,” N. P, Willia'- * Belfry Pigeon,” Pierpont’s _ * Passing Away. Holmey' *Old Ironeides” and * The b Leaf,” Lowell's * Washers of the Shroud,” n:x!d Emerson's ** Concord Monumens.” P FAREWELL. The Banishment of the Oyster for the Summer. Result of the Investigations of the Samitary Superintendent. Weeping and Wailing of the Chil- dren of Sunny Italy. Falsity of the Rumors About the Cor- ner on Pickled Oysters. The Ytalian’s Story. There is woe on Btate street.. There 18 mourn-~ ing by night on West Madison street. The res- taurants where the ltalian sings the ditties of his native land, while the grim hackman eats his luxuriant meal, are draped with black. There is consternation in the Tremont House, and tho bead cook at the Grand Pacific tugs at his perfumed hair. There is sorrow all along the line, from the lunch-counter to the banquet~ ing-ball. Nor do they weep without cause. Our revised and amendod Board of Health, which now rep- resents nearly every natiopality under the sun, hins come down on them in its wrath, mounted on its new hobby-horse,~& mammoth oyster,— and wildly waving the banner of *Death to shall-fish.” The Board having vaccmated every human being in Chicago two or threa times, and made it necessary for avery voter to produce a certificate thoreof prior to voting ; Laving cleansed all the streets; baving purified all the distilleries, slaughter houses, back-yards, etc., and having really nothing left to do except to prepare re- ports, and draw salaries with such regularity that the City Treasurer koeps his count of time by them, have now, a8 faithiul representatives.of the People’s Party, entered upon 3 new field of action. T'ie mission of the People’s Party, a8 every one knows, is to promote temperance, honesty, economy, cheap Court-Honrey, and human well- being generally. The Board of Health, leaving the economy to others, intends to do its part in another direction, and to banish from our city that foe of man, that paralysis of iabor, tnas in- centive to strong driuk, known asthe pain in tho stomach. . HE SEFS THE TROUBLE. The powerful intellect of the Sapitary Super- intendent has for years noticed the ravages of this disease, especially duriug the summer wea- gon. Its cgonies aro intensified by the fact that one must suffer it in_silence, like the Spartan boy, with that fox, and like the lady who was compared to the worm in the bud. Often does the Chicago girl observe her male guest lose his animation, cease to take an interest in things, 1mako wry faces when he thinks he is unobzerv prefer to leau over rather than sit upright, au Wwhen askod what ails him, reply with great eager- ness that he is perfectly well. If vain, she fan- cies it is jealousy; if & girl of sense, she gig- gles to hersolf. " If he had the toothache he could confees it, aud bo pitied. But he has the tootl:ache in his stomach, aud he dare not ad- it it The Banitary Superintondent was unabls to reconcile this discase with any theory of a loving and beneficent Provideuce. 1t did not rhyme with Prof. Swing’s sermons, thoogh it harmon- ized beautifully with the Confession of Faith, which had many marks of s document prepar under the direcs aud stormy influence of pain in the stomach. He pondéred over this great problem with the earnestpess that a man does when he tries to recollect where he got that counterfeit dollar, and at last went to work, get- ting up the statistica to see whether this disease wea forcordained by an inscrutable wisdom, or whether it was the result of second causes, and therefore curable, J AND PROCEEDED TO INVESTIGATE. ‘When the Board of Health is in douvt on any poiut, it * gots up statistics " and governs itsell by the results. If a man goes to the Board and wants a dead dog removed fiom the street in front of his house, the Board *“ gets np ita sta- tistics,” and if it finds, after a week of thought- ful addition and division, that the ward has not had the number of dead dogs to which it is en- titled removed, then an order is issued to have this ons carted off. Everythiug is dons there on statistical principles, and canua%nenfiy the Banitary Superintendent took & pencil and ‘some paper, and went into statistics, emerging at the end of a week, WITH THE FOLLOWING RESULTS: Taking as » basis the quantity of peppermint and brandy drank in this city during July and August, 1673, it was plain that there had been during that time 364,835 cases of pain in the stomach. £ v ~.Confronted with this‘mass of human misory, ffie Banitary Superintendent grew pale. His {lue fancy saw every adult in Cook County with hand pressed on stomach, looking wistfuily at him, and_ssying with imploring eyes, ** What shall we do to be relieved?” Who could resist them ? So the Superintendent wout deeper into the snbject, and came to the conclusion that the taciturn undemonstralive oyster was the cause of all this woe. This rudimentary form of man has been generally lookod apon as an innocent creature except when fried. Philosophers have grown eloquent in his praise, and poets have sung of The high-born, gentle oyster mald, Who loved & clam of low degree, But the Sanitary Superintendent arrived at a different conclusion. During July and August, the nature of the oyster changes. He becomes vindictive, treacherous, & devil-fish in miniature. Envelop him in cracker-crumbs, drench bim in milk or butter, enliven him with vinegar or pep- per, he cannot bo mollified. Like the little book in Revalation, ho is sweet in the mouth, but bitter in the belly. THE EDICT. Those resulis were laid before the Board of Health, 2nd met with great approval. Each member recollected a pain 1 the stomach, though they sll called it gastralgis, scorning to deal 1n common names, and upanimously re- membered that it was preceded by oysters. Thereupon they ordered the promuigation of the following edict: Ba it ordained, By the Board of Health of the City of Chicago, that from aud after tho st day of June, 1874, to the let day of Beptember following, and during the same period in esch and every year thereafter, it sball Lo unlawful for any person or persons, carpora- tion or corporations, to gell, or offer, or expase for sale, oysters of any kind or description whatsoever that are not pickled or preserved. ‘That the Sanitary Superintendsnt and Health-Officer be, and they are hereby, directed to condemn all oysters offered or exposed for sale in violstion of the above regulation. For the violation of the above regulation esch and every offender shall be fined not less than $10 and not ors than $30. By order of the Board, Jomy Retv, Health Officer. Cmoago, May 12, 1674, GUOD-BYE. Therefore, after to-day, our oyes will no Jong- or be grected with mountains of animated oys- ters, held in place by blocks of ice. Thero will be no more polished cans packed in sawdust, re- flecting back the rays of the sun. Ths bills of fare at the botels will have to be razed ; thero will be no more entries of ** huitres au naturel,” or “ I'huitre do Shrewsbury en papillotes.” But the sppetite will endure, and hence the means of ifying it will be furnished st whatever risk. Men will ent oystors thonghit be by stealth,. “*in places roemote from the sun.” The distin- guished traveler, fresh from the clime of the clam and the oyster, will wink mysteriously at Mr. Rice, who will lead him by winding stair- ways and hidden cocridors to the secrot place whore he may indulgs his illegal appetite. THE CLAMS, But this incidental reference to the clam re- minds one of another point. What has that creatare done that he should be tolerated, whils the oyster is banished? What &pecial claims bas be upon the Board of Health? The clam does not rank high among ehellfish. He is rogarded 5 a depraved and dogeneratod oyater. Bat few clams sre “eclect” and - they are generally infants, As chewing-gum is to India-rubber, 80 i» tho oyster to the clam. Tno latter is the gutts-percha of the ani- mated kingdom. e origmated the adjective “clsmmy,” which reporters, - with touching fidelity, always apply toa corpse. A corpre is not neceseanly clammy, but it is a reportorial tradition to call it ko, Thorefore, the Sanitary Superintendent was called on for information as to why the clam was not also on the black list. The reporter found' him in bis office trying some new vaccine matter on the clerks,—this is part of their datios,—and hed the following conversation, which is of in- terest, since it shows how laws are made : The Regorter—How is this? Why ie not the. sale of clams forbidden a8 well a5 that of oys- ters? The Sanitary Superintendent—You will nod ng‘ehuliz“ rter—Certainly not. ) ‘The Reporter—Certain| : ” The sn}:\im—y Superintendent—We did have clams in the original order, but it was stricken out. ‘The Reporter—Why ? The Sanitary Sup{fintendenb-—l‘nr political reasons. The Reporter—Explain ; this is in confidence. The Banitary Superintendent—The City Gov~ ernment is fond of clams. 1t refreshes itself on clam-chowder ; and after pardoning & man from the Bridewell is strongz enough to digest clam fritters. Wondorful Goverment ! Tho Reporter—The City Government? The Sanitary Buperintendent—Yes, the Mayor. Look at it from a scientific point of view. A flah diet is good for the brain. The City Govern- ment relishes fish in one shape only. I am = city officer. You will plainly see that the welfare of the cityis at stake. The Citv Goveroment brain should be healthy and well supplied. 1t needs all the fish diet it can get. Cut off its supply of clams, and everybody would circumvent it. The Reporter—That is very fine, but you shonld have stuck to the original order. The Banitary Superintendent—Ah, but the Mayor sent up word that if we prohibited clams, he would dismiss us all,—he wonld coter a decree of divorce, a vinculo matrimonii, between us and our ealaries. He wonld extirpate us. He used very sinewy language. Bo we investigated the subject more thoroughly, and found that the clam had been matigned—heis a very inoffensive animal. You shouid read Agassiz on the clam. The Reporter—This is rather poor business. The Banitary Superintendent—What, eir! Shall I suffer martyrdom for a clam? Must I bo decapitated for' a mollusk? Shall I re- nounce ¥3,000 a year for & creature that burrows inthe sand ? The Democratic party ate crow ; I will eat clam. Martyrs are out of fashion. And the Sanitary Superintendent went to pick- ing the good strawberries out of & box of con- demned fruit, and refused to sasy anything more. And this is how we are governed, It Is under- stood around the City Hall that henceforth the test of loyalty is devotion to the clam. THE NEW PARTY. The minions of the Bunitary Buperintendent will invade every restauraut and hotel, cou- fiscating as they go, and eatingas they confiscate. No ouo’s house will be safe. The integrity of every ice-box will b violated. Personal liberty leagnes will ensue. Itulian and American will link haods. koopery’ Rights” will be the watchword in the noxt election. How it will resalt, we all know. The present dynasty will be swopt from power, and an Oyster party installed in its stead. THE PICKLED-OYSTER CORNEB. Now, notwithatandiog all reports to the con- trary, the above explanation is the true one, aud the Bamtary Superintendent plumes himself groatly on his discovery, and ranks himself next to Jenner, Morton, Gambrinus, the inventor of paper collars, etc., 28 & great public benefactor. He in preparing & learned paper for the Medical Journal on the subject, entitled, ** Gastralgia Ostreoss, sut de Qualitatibus oficis Ostreo- rum Dissertatio brevis.” Consequently there 18 no truth at allin the rumors now in circulation that the City Council bad lent itself to aid the machinations of a ring in pickled oysters, which had bought upallin the market. It was freely stated that Mr. Hesing, who ia said to be romarkably partial to a half- dozen on the half-shell as a gentle stimu- Jantin warm weather, wad deeply incensed at the adoption of an order which stood i the way of his enjoying the freshly-opened bivalves, 203 that beY mide great exertiona to discover which Aldormen had eold themselyes to the pickled-oyster dealers, and how much they had sold themselves for. Rumor added that his sus- picions were mainly directed to those Aldermen who a short time ago stepped over the Tentonic traces so far as to write ** Dixon ™ on a piece of paper when they were instructed to write “Cullerton.” It was even hinted that he bad discovered that one of theso Aldermen bad recontly purchased an interest in & vinegar factory, and begun negotiations with 2n Eastern oyster-dealer. THE ITALIAX'S STORY. The proprietors of the Italian saloons, whoso right-bower is oystors in every variety aud form, but more expecially on the half-shell, are thrown into universal cobsternation. A TRIBUNE re- porter, with & view of ascertaining what thay thought of the by-law, called upon one or two of them yeuterday, and listened to their moan, the intende pathos of which was somewhat lessened by the broken English in which it was uttered. ‘hey had bat little tosay as arale, but what they Baid was to the point. Entering an Italian saloon on West Madison street, the x‘a‘yoner asked the proprietor the gue;§om “What do you think of the oyster by~ W Baloon-keeper—Eot ees bad. Ven a oyster ces fresh eot ia good, and ven a cyster ees bad est steonks. We don't want to sell oysters that Bteenk, for they would make sick, and noboedy comes back again ever. Reporter—How long can you keep oysters fresh 2 Saloon-keeper—Dose ehell oysters in the win- dow will keep fresh for a months, eaf I keep on the hice. S0 will the can oystera. B;poxlar——who was at the bottom of this by- w Saloon-keeper—Abh, eet ess Boot. Reporter—Oh, Booth, the oysterman ? Baloon-kooper—Eegenctly. Mr. Boot is goin, to Enrope, and he don’t want anybody to sell oysters whilo he was away. His son told & friend of mine on the South Side that Mr. Boot was determined that he would make the Board of Health passthe law cef it cost him a tousand dollar{ Reporter—Then one can get a by-law passed through the Board for $1,000? Tha saloon-kesper shirked this question. He evidently had a_profound respect, if not for the Board, at least for the power which it wielded; in fact he seemed to think that it was ; next to ‘* Mr. Boot,” the greatest power in the universe. Mr. Booth he characterized as a terrible man, and iu ample secrecy he imparted to the roporter the sssertion that that wholesale oyster-man ad been guilty of cutfing oysters in two before canning them,—a retail procecd- ing which, if .. substantiated, ought . to erase the name of Booth forever from the ranks of Chict oyster-dealers. The rest of the Italian saloon-keepers adverted to the by-law in equally broken English, and quite as condemna-. tory terms. They felt that to take awsy their oyuters was as to deprive a butcher of his mest, a grocer of tea and sugar, a druggist of patent medicines, & banker of his circulation, or a shoe- makor of his last, snd when the re- porter suggested pickled oysters as a remedy to fall back upon, the only answer was an expressive ,frimm which showed that, if a corner bas reslly been engineered in this flatulent form of bivalvalar refreshment, it will bp as unauccessful as the great wheat coners of Chicago. HOW TO ENFORCE THE LAW. But to make a law is one thing ; to enforce it is another. The Sanitary Superintendent and his colleagues must do something more than isaue an order. They must elsvate and educate public sentiment. ‘They must make oyster- enting odions. Let the Superintendent organize ““The Cook County Anti-Bivalve Society.” | Let us have the *‘Children's Anti- Oyster-Eating-In-July-and-August Band,” with sll the members sworn to touch, taste, and haodle not. Let there k:w'}xlodgen rinted with life-like portraits of a good little boy, straight as s arrow from Apollo’s guiver, his foot on the head of the perfidious mollusk, while confronting him is another boy much don- bled up and perplexed ir. the extreme, who has fallen a victim to the oyuter. When girla refase to associnte with oyster-eaters, and when so- cial ostracism strikes them, then can the law be enforced. ¢ PO . Marrying an English Lord. From the New Fork Homa Journal. Lord Raudolph H. 8. Churchill, second son of the Duke of Marlborough, was married 1n Paris on Wednesdsy, April 8, to Miss Jonny Jerome, daughter of Leonard Jerome, of New York. The ceromony was performed at the Dritish Embasay, and afterward at tho American Legation, by the Rev. Dr. Forbes. There was 2 larize azsemblage of the members and friends of the Mariborough family, o8 woll as of those of the family of the bride. ' The weddiug-breakfast was given at Mr. Jerome's hotel, in the Avenue du Roi as Rome, nd, a8 soon as it was over, the new-married couplo entered a berline, drawn by four fine horses, decoratod With ribbons, and left Paris for Petit Val, the residence of r. Moulton, where they are passing the honeymoon. Among the presenta received by the brids wero a mag- nificent Indis siawl from Quecn Victoria and Jocket from the Prince of Wales. It is eaid that Mr. Jerome gives his daughter a fortune of £40,000 sterling. Thsmar——— o Pugnacious Pilgrims. At the “holy place™ at Bethlchem (saya the Cologne Gazelte of May 8, quoting from the Neue Freic Presse) the Christian pilgrims have caused a violent fray. According to s custom introduced some years ago the Latin Convent formed in' spring s religions excursion to the Jordan, in which the pilgrims who Lave arrived from Europe are accustomed to take part. On their return they sttend generally a Te Deum in tho Grotto of the Naiivity, On fhe fih *Froe-Trade in Oysters and Hotcl- | the multitude of pil; w) o pactcularly mumoota retoroue it 28 ve Lo Bathlehom aud wanisd o sater vy 3"’,;: anners and in a great proce: through the so-catled s tams'? B Srta ish milicary in cherge of the Tomple sy $1Zi* hem, n order £o keop the Christisns of Rtk forent confosions from breaking ¢y 0 & against one another, explinad to fe e, Mcks the Lutin clorgy aad, it et i age through this gate, but that relations they must take their way (o, o0kl ortal of the Latin Convent which, the o Church itself. Therenpon. ths maeo} 2 grims fell upon the troops, strack the g gnd malttrmsted the soldiers. Whon the Distri uperintendent appeared and was fere Lie did not come off better. b0 g e T GENTLE ZEPHYR, G RS 0 YRS 005 o0 53577041 biof puyy, Come, gentle Zephyr, come s gy 1y burning hmw‘;‘h’ *T3s thine the $ender, cooling fouch ; Cows, gentlo Zephyr, now, * on airy win hispers in my esz ©* ‘word none elss may tell, alone shall Bear, Come, gentle Zephyr, come agata; How ahort thy welcome stay ; 0 fold not thy ethereal wing, Nor thy return delay. Lighter than touch upon the shers When soft waves come and go, A mystic senso comes over ey It 1a the Zephyr's flow, Come, gentlo Zephyr, come afain; I love thy fairy charms; i Ty tender, breath-like, mag o spall Each anxlous thonght disarma, , Restless, I turn me round to seek That which T may not find, Till lightly falls upon my cheek A Xiss by Zephyr kind, . Come, gentle Zephyr, come a And breaths of uhlldhocd»flh When thou, with childish {nnc Did'st plsy among the flowers,— A messenger from Heaven sent ‘To cheer us on our way; Then come, my gentls Zephyr friend, . Hemain with me alway, Aazy Srury, Oh! now it comes w) A kindly And I Caicaco. HUMOR. Dollars and scnse do not Decesaarily fryre) together. g like a fat paving job? Ths —Why is marriage Ting fixes it. —An experienced old gentleman says that 0 that is npecessary in the enjoymentofloracy saurages is confidence. e proposition to introduce ladies as raie road conductors is frowned upon in view of thg fact that their trains are always behing, —Tho Tesiminster Review ssva:* Wo oy heard a grocer say he liked the Safurday Rering best of alt newepapars, because & page af it b exactly a pound of sugar.” —A Detroit paper, noticing the fact that smag lately dropped dead while combing his air, sayss “And yet there are people who will pareisiz this dangerous Labit.” —Thoy call it & caseof “grave ion™ when they find a man in a Virginia creek, hes split open, and the body weighed dows with rocks. —A reporter, in depicting & wreck st 86, 5y flh‘ ‘*No less than thirteen unfortunatea hit ;é: just.” —There is not much differenco between agood roadster and & farrier: One is & Bure horse acd the other is a horse sboer. —Impertinent dandy (a stranger}—"Yay [ have the honor to accompany you, Miss?" Cosl youug lady—* Certainly; but keop behind iy your proper place. I discharged my last ook man for impertinence.” —An_Oswego paper describes a firs by ssyir that * The nufflnme! dauced in the hnunsz flung thoir fiery arms about liko a biack fuel pall until Sam Jones gor ou the roof and dous them out with & pail of water.” —Two Milesians wero standing st the iz mount_water-works, watching the big whees splashing the water, when ono of them m marked: ‘‘Mike, isn't this & quare oomiy, where they havo to grind their water beforathey can uge it 2" rEe —A Sacramento 2-year old urchin foond s father’s lead-pencil estray on the floor, and uied it until be broke the point. Shortly aftermard ho addressed his parent; ** P, lond me yourkaifs to skin dis pencit! * —3rs. Marrowfat says: * When s wom's eye begins to look sraund her in the warld, it lighta with most satisfaction .on som other wo- man'a bonnet that isn’t as expensivaly trimmed ag her own.” “ What are doing thers, yon rascal?” “Meres 1y taking cold, sir,” It looks tome 18 if you were stealing ice.” ' Well, yes, perhaps it wil bear that construction.” By —When asked by a friend at the Fifth Avepus how she liked her new nzme, she was ablaia pucker up her pretty mouth enough to ssy kst **I is Sartoris-factory,” and her friends feela oalm confidence that after that she cannotts sea-sick.—New York World. —Now that_the word “ hymeneal ™ is go come monly used in reference to weddings, it is rog: gosted that births be headed * crymeneal,” scd deaths, *diemeneal.” : —When a Tennessas father walks into 2 saws paper office with a shot-gun on his arm, snd ssys: %My darter has writ soao poetry which Izl you to publish,” how's a feller going to plesd press of matter? —A Connecticut man, whose son was ill, sp- pealed to tao physician: * Do bring him outel it right amay, doctor; do break up the faverst once, evenif you charge as much as if Lewest through a whole coarse of fever.” —Enthusiastio pedestrian: “Am I o th right road for BSlratford—8hakspesre's H{“ you know? You've often heard of Shii- spea’:a?" TIntelligent British rustio: *Yes; ba oa he 2" = —An unreasonsble resident of Rochester r- fased to psy the gas company's bill for §13 s the trivial quibble that there were no ers in his house. —A politician who found it wonldn't do fotry to please everybody, gave it up, and declsres: ¢ Henceforth I am & froe man, and shall not ty to please more'n four out of fivo, Soms 02l always gure to be offended. If I even m-'&i tha praise of my Maker, it raises the the Old Ope.” - Ay 80D, yon Jook Jike s boy who husbess brought’ up by affectionate parents, !ln‘l.; Kindly stranger to s golden-haired child, 31d o hmn;, in an excitcdl tone, exclaimed: “Dy Just look at my back!” —Servant (r{mned from an errand)—* Plest APm, X couldn't got it.” Mistress—*' Get whati? Loy said they didn't keep it, ¥'m Mistress—* Keep what?” Servant—*'What yol told me to fetch, M'm.” -l(m(refll—"whle"“ that 7" Bervant—*‘Dunno, M'm; I forget. —Laconic funeral orztion by an Ahfllfl‘u poker-player: * Gentlemen, my partner netel killed a man unlees be thought bo had a re1s for it, and when he stocked the cards it was doné in the prettiest way you ever see. I'll shoot man thst eys he busn't gono fohesven? | —A Germap in New York veing ssked hot much sourkrout he had put up for wmu!t&: replied: “I's not got much. Little more a8 barrels, shust for sickness.” —Crematory age—* 0, ma! ma! Jnhnny'll?‘! the urn and is spilling pa's sshesover the flw&‘_ 40, what a haughty Johnoy! Get tho mx" duster, and sweep your poor father right upl. —A placard in & Brookiyn barber's shop ';,; dow announces: * Boots blacked inaide. must not that be very bad for the stockings® —A Philadelphis youth was raceatly mxfld‘ to & girl who had retused bim eighteen tmi Heo wishes now he Ladn't asked her bat ue¥ teen. — Bambo, why am a red-headed gal ke o nestion of the day? Gin it up? Berry subarn! +Grlong, nigga!’ —Nes Yok World. i —The doll time in spring shopping bas co s when a woman feels that she wanta to buy SRS thing, but doesn't knaw what, and stands bel a counter for forty-five minutes st & tme? purchases nothing.—Spri; id }{qmblum e —Fashiouable nilliner—* You'll hate flower on the lett side of the bonnet, of LY madam " Fashionable lady—* Well—ecouty The fact is, there's a pillaron the left 8% my pew in church, £o tuat only tho right & my head is seen by the congregation. Ofcoliy Icoula change my paw!” Fashionable 1aCf7 husband—* Ya-ss. Or evon the cbmh,;'; know, if nbcwary.”P ("Fxmmlbllmflh)}l‘ siders the point.)—Punch- —Thoro was & party given in Dallss, K:n;; and this is the way 2 reporter of that pisco £ into the toilette busivess: “Miss X— wores I bombnzine dress, ruckiod with point slpsch 475 £n overskirt of rore gingham with » bordsr e rarsloy blosroms. ~Her tournure was pAICTSTS Doticesble, from the fact that her hair w3850 deliciously scrambled in front. She alse RO No. 9 lilso doable-button gloves, No- 6 57 shoes slashed at the hecls, and Pomp! ocks.” *0 Festorday morning a boy eauntered up @ 8 yard on Eighth street, whero » WOmAL Sl scratching tha bosom of the earth withs 344 a0d, leanivg on the feuce, said: *Are Jou K0 ing around the back-yard after awhile 7' "o woman gaid she dian't know ; maybe she o s why? @ Bocauss,” the boyssid, *Ijust iy the cistern-lid drop on the baby's head, 8 ZIA% sgo, and thooght if you went around you ZIZiL 1ift it oft.” It is currently reported tis VAR BeRker Bucing -