Bemidji Daily Pioneer Newspaper, June 4, 1915, Page 2

| | A MODERN FABLE How a Town Was Made. HUSTLE BUILT IT Claude Came Along With the Big Newspaper ldea, and lsit Sat Up and Took Notice---Injection of Printing Ink Galvanized Dead Burg Into Life--- Modern Im- provements Then Converted ‘Tank Town Into a Real Metrop- +f olis. By W. B. POWELL of the Clearwater (Fla.) Sun. [With apologies to George Ade.] Once in the Dim and Misty Path- -ways of Civilization, before the days of the Referendum and Recall, a Gink wearing Overlapping Cuffs and Under- dapping Collars, and who combed his #bair Straight Back like a Sea Lion, -dropped off of Number Six, South- ibound, at a certain Half Mast Dump sout on a Spur Division somewhere be- ‘tween the Celery Belt and the Ever- glades, where the Leading Citizens ‘wore Gum Arctics with Big Buckles and where Parched Corn. lubricated with Photo Paste, was served at Se- lect Functions. He was Welcomed-to-Our-Town by a fLarge and Commodious Audience swhich packed the Amphitheatre of the Railroad Loafing Place. There was the Gazook with a black sweater who ‘operated the Ark which Navigated be- -tween the Steel Rails and the Only Hotel, two Giggling Milk-fed Girls out for a Mash; four Prominent Citizens witting back on their Surplus trying to Hatch out Eight Per Cent, and eleven Teading pillars of High Society who “Were therc to Grab some express pack- ages which contained Great Joy that -they could Lap Up faster than the ‘Revenue Officers could paste on the tamps. “Isit” Is Its Name. “Isit” was blazoned on both ends of the Da-po, and Isit jt was; destined by Lurid Literature to become the New \’Yd:rk of Sub-tropical, Sun-Kissed Flor- It was a Low, Rambling, Sheetiron Qornice, slab-sided sort of a town. so out of harmony with Nature that it couldn’t be set to Rag Time or a Sona- ta in B Minor. It was a Lead Pipe Cinch that its Vertebra was Cata- logued as Broadway. It was a Blot on the Landscape af- flicted with an Eczema of Architecture, splotched with a Dull Weather-Beaten Complexion and Running Sores like Rotten Sidewalks and Galvanized Awnings. Its 642 acres of Various and Assorted Weeds needed Manicur- ing. There were so many For Sale Signs impaling the climate that it tooked a National Cemetery by moon- lght. Claude—for our bero’s name was | Clande—Claude DeShon—gave the Opce Over to the Human Mephitis Mephitis whu navigated the Village Ox Cart: passed np the Giggling Girls with’ Contumely; scorned the Overtures of the Eight Per Cent Night Riders, and taking his bearings from the Solitary Coal Oil Glimmer which Pinkled so Paje at the end of Broadw he Jig- gled his Carburetor. threw himselt into Low Gear and set his course a littie | Iast by So'east and went pulsating into the Solitude of the Night. He Was a Man With a Mission. ; He bad a Mighty Mission to per-i form. { #“While his Massive Thinktank was Conning a Suitable Approach to make to the Geezers of this Misfit Village be collided with'a Razorback empioy- ed as Sanitary Officer. He bad po more than Apologized for his Offense of Interfering with the Town's Chief Rooter, than he Floundered into a Hog Wallow. By this time his Religion was Cracked. With a Flat Tire and his Radiator Bubbling over with Wrath he steered into the Assembly Room of the Pal- ace Hotel, rates one dollar per. with the Grace of a Stone Boat in Sloppy Weather. b Si Jenks. the prop. and gen. man., was awaiting bis coming. He had been Awaiting the coming of some Weak- minded Victim all day. Si ran a liv- ery. sale and feed stable in Conjunc- tion with bis Palace Hotel. You could take yrour choice. He had Strange whis- kers and a Mackerel Eye, and Drank Soda Pop when be wanted to be Dev- ilish. The Palace was some hotel. Even the Hound Dog. which was part of the Furniture, howled when the Dinner Bell called one to Partake. The rooms were as big as a Telephone Bootb. and furnisbed like a Box Stall. “Evening. stranger.” he spoke. shov- ing a Stubby Pencil into his Digits. and pointing to the Register. "My rates be one dollar a day. strictly terra firma.” Ha, a Newspaper Man! “Evening. sir.” replied Claude, for he was Feeling His Way. ne did not know whether Si was a Leading Ga- zook or just a Plain Timekiller. *I want a Rabbit Warren where the Al falfa is Deep. and tw-the-bye you can Lead me to the Fodder. 1For the night. put me next to I'ure Reading Matter, Top-of the Comimn. 1 Crave Rest. for my Soul is Tortured and 1 bave Cal- louses on My Conscience.. |1 have Ko- towed to your Sanitary Officer and and taken as a Wiutetr Toureen; and looked upon as Good Picking by some Eight Per Centers who had some Town Lots up their Sleeves. 1| am only Common Clay. 1| am a Newspa- per Man. 1 have come into your Midst to inject Mental Turpitude into your Ego; to Hypodermically Instill seven Kinds of Getthere and Doitquick into your Epidermis. Where now grows Saw Palmetto and where Listed the Tin Can and the Bull Frog there will be Teeming Thousands Dodging Com- mercialism which will Stagger Human- ity, or words to That Effect. Do you get me? [ shall plant here Moving Pictures and Tango Teas, Research Clubs and Poultry Shows; Greek Lob- ster Palaces and Syrian Bazaars. “This town will make Miami, Jack- sonville and Tampa look like Whistling Stations when 1 get my Dingdong Lu- bricated. This little old Mud Flat will look like the Chambermaid’s Dream of Paradise. Now. kind sir; lead me to my Downy Couch so | can lay me Down.” Si Jenks reached behind the counter and got his ax. “You Human Dynamo, you,” he sput- tered. “I am an old man and of fam- ily and of Good Reputation. My Volt- age is High. too. But no Ten-cent Talk- ing Machine can do a Monologue at My Expense. Who are you? Rube Allen? No—then Out of My Sight before 1 Mutilate you. If I turn this 42-Cen- tfig’let‘e_i' Quick-Action Weapon on you, the Coroner will Have to Gather up your Remains with a Bucket.” Claude Foresees Fame. “Friend,” said Claude Suavely and not Abashed, for he had once edited Dixie and also beeén in two Railroad Wrecks and had fallen out of a Bal- loon. *T jest you not. I may be a fool, but to Quip one of your Jibe I fain would Cut Off My Right Hand. 1 am a Ball-Bearing Newspaper Man to the Manor born, a pen in my right ear, a Dictionary in My Hand. You Need Here a Palladium of Thought, a Chron- icler of the Times. Your town Needs Gingering Up! 1 admit it is well Laid Out, but any Dead Town has to be Well Laid Out before it be given a De- cent Burial. Let us be friends. Put the ax in Cold Storage. I may need Chief Rooter: have lnspected your Real Estate: been Lamped for a Hard- ware Drummer by Loud Calicoes; been Approached- by your Aximuted Movie - d It on the Morrow to macerate hand- Dpicked boneless Prunes. Hold in Abey- ance your Gpinion of Me. 1 will Prove that T am No Worse Than | Look. By To-morrow they will be Burning Greek Fire and Sending up Toy Balloons in my Honor.” So this was Claude’s Look In at Isit. On the morrow he Sallied Forth with his Hand Shaker well Greased, wear- ing a Dark and Sinister Cutaway. a fresh Gardenia and a Fountain Pen. Within .an hour he had the Main Guy Backed into the Dog Kennel pleading for Mercy. Other leading Citizens Riding Hob- bies and some on Foot tell to his Arti- cles of Incorporation and Licked Them Up like a Hired Hand with Pan Cakes | on a Frosty Morning. He was elected first Chambermaid “to Isit's Destinies and was Carted All Over the Country to show him Possibilities he Never| Dreamed of. The Leading Men Foregather. They called a meeting of the Board of Trade for that evening and all the local Rip VanWinkles came forth from their Dog Kennels and Pool Rooms wearing their best Hickory Shirts and Corduroy Pants. They list to Claude while he Dilated Upon the Manner in Which he was to Disarrange the Face of Nature. Dis- sect its Vital Organs, and make Isit Scream with Prosperity. They. sat with Baited Breath—some baited more than others—while he Pictured Tower- ing Smokestacks and Eleven Story ‘Mortgages: of Jitney Busses and Home- made Molasses Candy. Rotary Pool. Link Cuff Buttons, and other Hvi- dences of Civic Insanity. The meeting was so Enthusiastic that the Smokestack of the Pumfing Plant down by the Try & Get There R. R. toppled over. It was never Thought there were so many Hot Babies in that little sawed- off Wart of a Tank Town. When the Subscription Paper was Passed Around they Had a Riot to see who Would Head the list of O Promise Me’s. In Fifteen Minutes there were so Many Figures on the paper it Look- ed like Harry Brown’s Detailed Expla- nation of the Cost System. The Railroad Agent was escorted to the Tick-Tick Emporium to send a Spe- cial Message of the Gink’s Coming to all the Bigwig Papers that would take the Scream at Night Press Rate with out Setting up a Holler on Expense. The Pirates from Atlanta who sell printers' supplies Zeppelin-ed into Isit the next day with the Avidity of Light- ning Rod Agents in the Corn Belt aft- er a Thunder Shower. They sold Claude a Gold-plated outfit that would print anything from an Encyclopedia to a 28-sheet poster. Then Isit Woke Up. Isit got Dippy at once. It began an Or- gy of Riotous Living that would maké Bacchus climb into the Mast. Nothing but Night-Blooming Martinis was con sidered. Society spurned Maiden Hair Fern and Cull Grapefruit Wash and would have Real Punch, served from Cut Glass Bathtubs, with enough Kick in one Bumper to dynamite an orange | grove. They acquired a Table-d’hote Vocabulary On Broadway they began to see Day- Jight through the Show Windows. and { they Removed some of the Placards of Ringling Bros. Circus that visited Tampa in 1883. A Horseshoe Pirch: Checker Players Lingered over the Devilish GGame on Broadway Emulat- ing the Street Life ot Paris. The founders of Isit turned over in their Graves. A Wet-and Dry election was agitat- ed, and they even thougbt of -asking (Continued on Page 7) OUR CITIZEN’S DEMAND {Fully Complied With—A Bemidji Resident Furnished It. There are few items which appear in this paper more important to Be- ‘midji people than the statement pub- 1lished below. In the first place, it is from a citizen of Bemidji and can be thoroughly. relied upon. In the second place, it indisputably proves that Doan’s Kidney Pills do their work thoroughly and not temporar- ily. Read this carefully: Oliver Gordhamer, carpenter, 1200 | Dewey Ave., Bemidji, says: “I was stiff and lame in the morning and it hurt me to bring any strain on my back. I believe it was heavy lifting and hard work that brought on the trouble. I was handicapped in doing my work, especially stooping or lift- ing. Three or four boxes of Doan’s Kidney Pills strengthened my back and made me well. I have had no trouble since.” Price 50c, at all dealers. Don’t simply ask for a kidney remedy—get Doan’s Kidney Pills—the same that Mr. Gordhamer had. Foster-Milburn Co., Props., Buffalo, N. Y. ing Tournament was Promulgated. and : LR LR SR EEEREE SR T ¥ TURTLE RIVER RIPPLES * KKK KKK KK KRR KKK P School closed in Buena Vista Fri- day, with a school picnic in.the Mec- Knight grove. Miss Ruth Went- worth, of Blackduck, who teaches the school, will remain for a few days this week in order to give the pu- pils an opportunity to take the state board examinations. A. P. Reeves of Turtle River trans- acted business in Bemidji Monday. Dr. John Laney of Duluth, who is spending the summer at Moval Lake, was a Bemidji. visitor Satur- day. Miss Alice Butler spent a few days in Bemidji, the guest of friends this week. Miss Ruth Wentworth and Lester Peterson were Sunday guests at the Butler home. Miss Mae Laney visited at the John Carlson home Sunday. Nearly all the girls in Lewis, Kan., have joined the Anti-Cigaret league formed in that town, and now none of the members will walk the streets with any man who smokes cigarets. Its inventor claims that a new leather for lining shoes is perspira- tion proof. HE trouble with taking “‘salts’’ is that we are soliable to take too large a dose or too A too large dose results 1 in harsh, injurious effects. One too small means inef- fectual results. That is why we are pleas- ed to be able to offer you the new Webster's Sodetts — the little “slip-and-go-down” wafers containing scientifically measured doses of the ideal com- bination salt. No salty taste. § No distressing effervescent gas. We know the formula_of So- detts. We recommend them highly and supply them in handy, vest-pocket size packages — 25c. CityDrugStore E. N. French & Co. For Men, Women and Children Any kind of Shoes BLACK, WHITE, TAN 2 in 1 gives the “Shine of Satisfaction” trespasses. S$TV. PAUL TAL P AT LARSON’S FARM Three-quarters of a mile west of Bemidji City Hall JUNE I7th, 1915 Farmers under the auspices of the Breeders’ Association will entertain the merchants and pro- fessional men of Bemidji and the surrounding towns. the hungry business men will be able to get their fill. farmers’ club. "The Governor of Minnesota and a large party of senators and representatives and other state officials who are touring Northern Minnesota will be the guests of the farmers for dinner. All farmers are invited to participate in this picnic. It is not necessary to be a member of a Dinner Will Be Served at Twelve O’clock Sharfi Tables will be provided and also a place to cook coffee. If each family will bring a picnic dinner and enough for four or five extra Bring your own spoons, cups and paper plates. The speaking program must begin at 1 p. m. sharp. Gov. Hammond -and other prominent men will make a few remarks. At 2 p. m. there will be a ball game between the farmers and the business men.. Each community should pick out at least one good player and send his name to the secretary. There will be sack, fat men, lean men, childrens, business men vs. farmers and other races. Two Bands Will Be There Marshals of the day: Nels Willet, A. P. Ritchie, Emanuel Swenson, John A Thoren, L. C. Kirk Berg, A. D. Simpkins, S. J. Dietel, John G. Johnson, E. E. Schulke, Ed Rako, A. W. Hoskins, M. W. K lor, F. V. Gardner, Geo. Durand. J. E. Boobar, B. E. Tweeten, N. G. Reynolds, Geo. Bowers, Address all communications to BUEFORD M. GILE, Bemidji, Minn. TO WHOM IT MAY CONCERN NOTICE is Lereby given that this Company will prosecute all persons using property owned by it for storage purposes or the dumping.of garbage or other cbjectionable matter in or upon its vacant lots. Every person who has here- tofore used said property or any of it in ways above mentioned is hereby notified to repair the damage so done and place the property ‘in ‘the ‘same ¢ clean, sanitary condition in which it was. prior to -the ‘time of trespass or Bemidji Townsite & improvement Co, 520 Capital Bank Bullding patrick, Ora Whiting, E. C. nox, Gust Berg, J. C. McGhee, Dan Grey, J. H. French. The F. F. DALLEY €O, L1d. Buffale, New York _Hamilton, Can, WINKESOTA C. J. Spang-