Bemidji Daily Pioneer Newspaper, April 10, 1911, Page 6

-appalling to contemplate. The Trouble With the Meat. Stepping into a small restaurant, a grouchy old man demanded of the waiter a certain piece of meat he had in the show window. “But,” said the waiter, “we”— “No buts,” replied the old man. *“You’! bring me what I ask for or I won't get ' anything bhere at all.” Rather than lose a customer, the wuiter did as he was told and, getting the piece of meat, took it back to be | cooked. After a long wait the meat | was brought to the customer, who, in- stead of thanking the waiter, said, | “Look here, young man, what is the matter with this meat?” “Nothing is the matter with it, sir, except that the paint on it has formed a few blisters from the heat.” “Why, what do you mean by that?” this,” replied the waiter. | “Those pieces of meat you saw in the | window were not made to eat. They were made for advertising purposes, but you insisted, sir, upon having one ; of 'em.”—Philadelphia Times. i —_— Napoleon’s Custodian at St. Helena. Sir Hudson Lowe, the man appoint- ed by England to be the custodian of | the emperor, arrived at St. Helena on April 14, 1816, His appearance was not prepossessing. He was extraordi- | narily thin, with a stiff carriage. He had a long, bony face blotched with red and scanty hair of a dirty yellow color. His hollow eyes gleamed under thick reddish eyebrows, but were furtive and restless, never looking straight at auy one save by stealth. “That is a bad man," declared Na- poleon when he had seen him. “His cye as he examined me was like a byena’s caught in a trap.” He really resembled this horrid, sly awimal in its walk as well as in hair and cyes. He never sat down when he | was talking, but swung about hesitat- | ingly and with abrupt jerks.—Stokoe, | “With Napoleon at St. Helena.” The Stork’s Lazy House Building. The most interesting sight in the Rotterdam zoo was the stork, whose nest is set high on a pinnacle of the buffalo house. He was building in the lefsurely style of the British work- ingman. He would negligently de- scend from the heavens with a stick. This he would lay on the fabric and | then carefully perform his toilet, look- ing round and dowun all the time to | see that every one else was busy. ‘Whenever his eye lighted on a toddling child or a perambulator it visibly brightened. “My true work!” he seem- ed to say. “This nest building is mere | drawled: Not Such a Dude as He Looked. A prominent western man has two sons. One is big and busky, like his father, but the other is more slight, and at times he rather vexes his fa- ther by his affectation of rah-rah boy clothes and a general air of lissitude and dudishness. The two sons and the father were in the library one night, and the name of a prizefight referce came into the conversation. The rah-rah boy ‘had been sitting by, twiddling his thumbs, but his ears pricked up at the man’s name, and he “l rather like that chap. He's all right.” “What do you know about him?” the ously. “Oh, he gave me a shade the best of it one night.” “Gave you the best of it?” both fa- ther and brother shouted. “Yes. You see, I fight under the name of Young Ryan, and he counted pretty slow one time when 1 was down.”—Saturday Evening Post. Threatened the King. far better claim than the speaker to the designation of first commoner of England, strongly disliked the idea of a Juindle to his name. This fact was vell known to George IV. When Coke was chosen to head a deputation pray- ing the king to dismiss from his per- son and council those advisers who by their conduct had proved themselves alike enemies to the throne and peo- { ple George announced that he would get even with him. “If Coke of Nor- folk enters my presence.” he declared, “1 swear I'll knight him.” The threat was repeated to Coke, who rejoined, “If he dares such a thing 1 swear I'll break his sword.” And as the sturdy The honor of knighthood is not one } { which appeals to everybody. Coke of Norfolk, who considered that he had a Space and Time Unconquerable. No cheating or bargaining will ever get a single thing out of nature's ‘‘es- ' tablishment” at half price. Do we want. to be strong? We must work. To be hungry? We must starve. To be bappy? We must be kind. To be wise? We must look and think. No changing of place at a hundred miles an hour nor making of stuffs a thou- sand yards a minute will make us one whit stronger. happier or wiser. There. was always more in the world than men could see, walked they ever s0 slowly; they will see it no better for going fast. And they will at last, and soon, too, find out that their grand other brother asked rather contemptu- | inventions for conquering (as they think) space and time do in reality conquer nothing. for space and time are in their own essence uncouquer—' able and, Lesides, did not want any conquering—they wanted using. A fool always wants to shorten space and { time; a wise man wants to lengthen both. A fool wants to kill space and kill time; a wise man, first to gain them, then to animate them.—John Ruskin. The Crow That Wears a Fool's Cap. The following clever way of keeping crows away from a grainfield is used by the farmer of Holland: He makes some ‘small caps of stout paper and smears around the inner side of the mouth of each some birdlime or other sticky stuff. In these he puts some grains of corn and stands them about his fields by pressing their points into soft earth. When the crow finds one of these paper caps he thinks himself in great luck until he attempts to peck at the tempting grain, when, to his astonishment, he finds the cap attach- ed to his head—a regular fool’s cap— which will not even allow him to see what course to take if he flies up. However, he succeeds fin reaching Norfolk squire was quite capable of doing this, George refrained from car- rying out his threat.—London Chron- icle. Clumsy Breton Women. To the casual observer the Bretonne is not attractive or even supremely in- | teresting. As a femme de chambre she is clumsy, slovenly and rough of speech, lacking the graces and neat- ness of her Parislan sister. She shuf- fles about in felt slippers, her volumi- nous black skirts catch in everything, and if she waits at the table d’hote her method of handling cutlery is strongly caleulated to sever one’s jugular vein. She has no regularity in her work, and at the hour that she ought to be mak- ing beds she is probably sitting en the bypaths of industry.” After drinking and overlooking and congratulating himself thus for a few minutes he would stroll off over the housetops for another stick. He was unquestionably e king of the garden.—Lucas in “A Wanderer In Holland.” R ! The Way Out, A well known Boston physician was on his way to his office one winter morning when the sidewalks were a glare of ice. While going down' the street he met a lady coming in the opposite direction. The lady was a stranger to him, although he was not unknown to her. In trying to avoid each other on the icy pavement they both slipped and came to the sidewalk facing each oth- er, with their pedal extremities consid- crably entangled. While the polite doctor was debating in his mind what was the proper thing to do under the trying circumstances the problem was solved by the quick witted lady, who qu]elly remarked: “Doctor, if you will be good enough to rise and pick out your legs 1 will take what remains.” [ Ry Safety Valves of the World. Terrvific as are the forces of voleanic action. they have served and do yet serve their ordained purpose in the magniticent scheme of cosmic develop- ment. Voleanoes form a natural vent for the pentup internal forces result- ing from the slow cooling and covsoli- dation of the earth’s mass. They act as the safety valves-of the world, with- ‘out which the crust of the earth would in all probability burst witlr explosive force and with a resulting eataclysm. Volcanoes tend. in faect, to maintain the normst stable equilibrium between the interior j wnd the outer surface of the world, | Strong Hold. Bill—Experiments with thousands ef subjects have shown that the average man attains his maximum strength in his thirty-first y Jill—A woman’s strong age is twenty- eight, 1 suppose. “Why?” “Haven't you noticed how they heold on to it?’—Yonkers Statesman. A Richer Strike. “Is it true that Maude refused a man worth a million?” “It i8.” “Was she crazy or in love?” “Neither. She accepted a man worth two millions.”—Boston Transcript. Dodging Indigestion. Hoax—Sillicus was engaged to an heiress. 1 wonder why he broke it off? Joax—He had an attack of indigestion, and the doctor told him to avoid all rich things.—Philadelphia Record. Spiteful. *Why do you hate him?” “He has been knocking me to the girl 1 go with.” “What did he tell her?” “What my salary is.”—Houston Post. He Was Dense. Blobbs—When she wasn’t looking 1 kissed her. Slobbs—What did she do? Blobhbs—Refused to look at me for the rest of the evening.—Philadelphia Rec- ord. " ‘| more—Yes, public staircase nursing her baby. She is generally married and, conversely, offen ten years younger than you take ber to be. To English eyes she is rare Iy beautiful. Her hair is trained tight- 1y under her cap, her cheeks have sel- dom any delicacy of tint, and her fig- ure and wotions are ungainly and awkward.—Wide World Magazine. Wanted a Sleeper. A certain physician sat in a box at the theater the otber night. It hap- pened that he was the first man to take his seat in that particular box. The next man ushered in had been hitting just a few of the more elevated points in the highway prior to coming to the theater. “Am I intruding?’ ke inquired ever so politely of the doctor. *“Harve you this section engaged all' for yourself?" “No. I, haven’t got it engaged all for myself. Sit down.” replied the doctor brusquely. for he didn't “’:m?‘ to encourage the stranger to carry on | any extended conversation: “All right, then.” replied’ the stran- ger. “Tf you haven't got the whole | section P11 tell the porter to go ahead and let down the nupper berth.”— | Washington Star: The Forehead and' Health. The forehead is the first feature of | the . face 1o show indisposition. The minute one's stomach: is- out of order there will be yellow spots on the brow. When one feels- faint the fore- tiecnd will instantly show it. When one is sick there will bhe freekles and 1 pimples upon the brow, which was | smooth and clear before: The fore- head is as good: au indication: of one’s I geueral health as is the pulse.—Lon- | don Globe. Turn: About. At a Christmas- dinner in Washing- ton a statesman who had been much in the public eye was called wpon after the meal to. make a little speech. He rose and began: “You have been giving your attention so far to a tur- key stuffed with. sage. Yon are now about to give your attention to a sage | stuffed with turkey!” Penalty of Laziness. Heaé of Department — What's this lying on my desk? The last dunning letter received from my tailor, duly initialed by all my clerks. Ob, dear! ‘What have I dene? Actually sent it around to be duly noted by the whole staff without taking the trouble to look at it!—Fliegende Blatter. A Wrong Impression. Falr Critic—Oh, Mr. Smear, those ostriches over ''there are simple per- fect! You should never paint anything else but birds. Artist (sadly)—Those are not ostriches, madam. They 4re angels.—London Opinion. Quite a Joker. | Tall Sophomore—O’Frat is making all kinds of money writing jokes. Fat Junior — Writing jokes? Tall Sopho- In his letters home he tells his father he leads his class.— Chicago News. some course grass or bushes and after much bewildered scrambling and flop- ping about gets his head out of this undesirable cap and ever afterward avoids the field where there are miore of them. Changing Tom Reed'’s Face. Thomas B. Reed was once the victin of a printer’s error the unusual apt- ness of which, after the first flush of indignation had subsided, appealed so' strongly to his seuse of the comic that he never failed to refer to the matter with the keenmest guste whenever he met the man whom he, with the ut- most mock solemnity, always held re- sponsible for it. The late Colonel John A. Cockerill’s handwriting in the heat of composition was semetimes liable to lose itself in an almost interminable tangle, decipherable only with the greatest difficulty. On one o¢casion he undertook o say that “any ene can see Tom Reed has the face of an hon- est man,” bat was horrified when he opened his paper the following morn- ing and found that the #ypes made him say that “‘auy one can see Tomu Reed has a face like a harvess moon.” © The Feet of Chanveleons. Clameleons. as no doubt veaders: ave | aware, a'l belong to: the ol world; and | particnlarly to- Africa. Inirheir tongue, their feet and their eyes they differ re- markably from: ether lizasds: Their feat, shongh posse 1z five toes; are divided into. two: grasping greups, look- ing like 2 hand. in mittens, and. only by | the: close: examination you. perceive presence of the: twa or the tlivee oppos- ing respeetively, bur so close together | as to:appeur like sne broad: one. Owm the padded soles. or, palms. of these | grasping Hmbs. yon ean: feek and: see:| the small—may one say—palph which enable: them to: grasp so firmdy that it ; is difficult to.detach a chameteon. from, its foethold. These elinging: feet, to- f gether with. their prehensic tail, en- |; able tiem to sustain themsalves. om: | the braoebes. in the sirongest gale: He Was. Paralyzed. Tlie bell rang, and when she went | to tiie- door she: found a-sad' faced wo- | man. “Please, mum, ean you._ help me-} some?. I got six children an!’ me. hus- | band: is paralyzed:” “Why, certainty. Where is your husband?”’ “Ie’s in jail, mum.” “Im: jail! Why, what is ke in jadl tor?” Here’s & quarten: “Tor gittin' paralyzed, muam!"—New York Journal Figure It Out. A farmer takes some pigs to market in a basket. He puts the first in with its. bead poining one way and the mext with its head in the opposite di~ rection, the next with its head point- ing the same way as the first, and so on. He stops when he has three heads pointing one way and three tails the other. Fow many pigs does he putin? Taken at His Word. He (after marriage)—What! You have no fortune? You said over and over again that you were afraid some one would marry you for your money. She—Yes, and you said over and over again that you would be happy with me if I hadn’t a cent. Well, I haven’t a cent. The Sudden Shock. “Your wife has received some sud- @en shock. What has happened?” “I don’t know, doctor. I came home early last night”— “Ab, that presumably accounts for it.”—Washington Herald. Bad Enough. Magistrate—Do you know that drink drives a man into bad company? Pris- oner—Yes, your honor. It brought me before you.—Philadelphia . Times. One of Those Questions. ] There is not any benefit so glorious in itself that it w1y not be sweetened and improved by the manner of giv- ‘ng it.—Seneca. “It was his third attempt at sui- cide.” “And didn’t he succeed at either of the others?’—New York Press. 'Mrs. Housewife - ~ Isn’t this all you are looking for in 5 ‘ Baking Powder? Everything that can be put into a baking powder to make it good, pure and effective will be found in Calumet. Everything—and more— that you desilre and expect of any high- grade baking powder is positively assured you 21 in Calumet. Then why P3y exorbi- /;/,’//: i : tant prices when Calumet will L Calumet N! more satisfactorily attain Py is strictly a high- for you a bgtt_er result //:’,///;/ quality product, sell- —more delicious, 77 ing at a moderate cost. lighter fmd bet- @*2?‘*33”// You can't get better at any price—you : :’Zl;‘ :‘:gl§ ed ,&b“%’fiz{;‘%:/ can’t get as good for the same money. fl*’\\)d?@g“ Calumet Baking Powder is guaranteed under \%‘@ every pure food law—both State and National. NS This is as much—and all—that can be said for the purity of any baking powder. proven in the baking. Its superior goodness is Substitutes are imitations and never as good as the original. Ask for Calumet and get it. - CALUMET AKING POWDER | Received Highest Award World’s "ure Food Exposition I Chicago, 1307, thereby recognizing its supreme merits, :" &) ¢ e e e The manufacturers of Calumet Baking Powder have just prepared a new edition of their handsome Cook Book, and will gladly mail it Free to anyone who sends for it. In writing address the Calumet Baking Powder Co., Chicago, and ask for Cook Book D. . has just been awarded the Grand Prix at the : ~ Brussels International Exposition e SR P SEEEDEE 3 Bemidji Manufacturers, Wholesalers and Jobbers | - The Following Firms Are Thoroughly Reliable and Orders Sent to Them.Will Be Promptly Filled at Lowest Prices THE CAODISTON © LUMBER GO0, WHOLESALE LUMBER: LATH AND | BUILDING MATERIAL e g Model Ice Cream, Snowflake Bread and Deelishus Candies Made at ] The Model Wholesale Bakery, Man- facturing Confectionery and Ice Cream Factory 315 Minnesota Ave. BEMIDJI, MINN. NORTHERN GROGERY COMPANY WHOLESALE GROGERS Send yourMail Orders to GED. T, BAKER & G0, Manufacturing Jewelers and Jobbers They are especially prepared to- promptly fill all orders in their various lines of merchandise. wl..arg:st an?lmt‘l:nke flof Diamonds ‘and” atches nest equij work- shop in Northern Mlnngotgj”gpecial order work given prompt attention Estimates furnished. The Given Havrd‘ware_ Co. Fitzsimmons - Baldwin Company Successors to Nelges Bro. Co. Wholesale and Retail Hardware /316 ‘Minnosola Ave. Wholesale Fruits and Pruduce Farmers Produce bought or sold ) c'nnn'lsslon.v Quick ceturns . | phon 57