The evening world. Newspaper, December 20, 1922, Page 32

— Evening By Bide Dudley Copyright, 1922 (New York Evening World) Press Publishing Company WANTED, MORE SANTAS! Te isn't any daddy in a little home | know. H been asleep, where all is still, eleven months or 80, and mother’s fighting day and night to feed Louise and Joe, while thoughts of Christmas make her heart forlorn. The you. talk of Santa Claus; they knew him once, you see, and mother the notes they write and She wonde e of one ‘amall Christmas tree, and how she'll face those children Christ- mas morn. For ev'ry dollar bill | have | need exactly two, and yet | mean to find & way to gather up a few and play the role of Santa Claus —you bet your life | do! Those kids must have @ visit from old Kris. And now just let me say, my friend, if you a thrill would feel—a thrill of joy clear through your frame, from bald spot down to heel—play Santa for some half-starved kids and show ‘em God is real, and watch their cloud ‘ef gloom dissolve in bliss. OBSERVATIONS. Fire damaged a cork factory in Brooklyn yesterday. The firemen worked two hours before they could stopper. No wonder Powell, the Brunen witness, barked like a dog in jail. Tent shows always have barkers. Burglars robbed a Harlem toy store about 4 o'clock yesterday morn- ing. Doing their shopping early, eh? Let's hope that De Valera, the hunted, hasn't any little kids who are looking forward to Christmas. Having knocked Carl Morris out, Fred Fulton probably will be seek- ing soon a chance to be put to sleep by Dempsey. A Backward Child. Baby Bunting, Only two, Did not smoke, And did not chew “Gosh!” said John, whose Age was cight, “What a goody, Goody skate!” TELEPHONE LOVE. (What has gone before—Mary Din- gle and her Chinese maid, Abba Dabba, Seeking frisky fun, go to Hollywood, ie tt at er job al Dhone “Central, Hollywood does not mult them so ti yet_on @ train and holds up the dining Siary and Abba pepper him with hard: hotled eggs, but tho Chinese maid eu Genly izes in him @ lon lo feos Sarg Bie Dlooey! Oh, read it, please!) “Waiter, you $7 for these eggs.’ Mary thus told the dining-car waiter he was charging too much. The robber stood near looking on. “But it’s the only graft I've got,” said the waiter. “My grandparents are all dead and I have a sick canary bird at home.” , “That's a lie!” The robber had spoken up. “I am his grandfather.” He bad continued. Abba Dabba at once felt kind- ly toward the waiter. Maybe she would become his grandmother some day. Who knew? “Well, let's pay the poor simp der seven tollars an’ thin git me friend here ter take dat seben away from him,” said the little Chinese girl. The plan sounded feasible. But at that point the conductor came in. He had @ beautiful so ciety women on bis arm. “Let's get up a dance,” sug- gested Hector. Ob yes, we forgot to tell you the conductor's name was Hec- tor. The worst of it was he had a very large nose. “May I have the first fox trot, sweet lady?” The robber had thus asked Mary for a dance. “But where is your fox?” she inquired. Abba Dabba and the waiter al- ready were dancing. It all seemed so absurd. (To Be Continued.) THIS AND THAT. Always be careful of your dates— not only those you have with Mamie but those you write. Reading just now an article in a contemporary, headed “Whose Birthday?" we find the following: “Dec, 18—Carl Maria von Weber, German musical ee vi was born ; Average » Men & By Neal O’Hara | = eA Copyright, 1922 (New York Evening World) Breas Publahing Company. ETWIXT thin layers of morons B master minds you find 50,000,000 average taxpayers. Are vou acquainted with average man? He has bean on top of shoul- ders and corne on feet. That makes him perfect example of succotash He is the guy that gets name on sucker list, tax list, draft list, But when turkey in raffled off, his name is among those that also took a chance, He is tagged on tng day, fooled on All Fools’ Day and borrowed from in Lent. By and large, to and fro, he has no more chance than lace curtains ne It is ra freight yard coat to a fig leaf that you age man. When bank col- lapses, he is always tn on ground are av floor. He thinks pomme de terre ts exclusive French dish and believes you can learn to play saxophone by mall. A good scout, but simple above the Adam's apple. He thinks Challapin is printer's mistake for Charley Chaplin, He thinks guerilla warfare Is carried on by apes. He thinks a Congress- man amounts to something in Wash- ington. Even ae you and |. If you want to laugh at average man, just tickle yourself tn front of mirror, He walks up one flight to save $10, and walks down one flight to lone roll to subway pickpockets. He thinks ball players write their own syndicate articles. He thinks lobsters are all born red. He thinks ticket scalpers have hard time buying seats at box office. He suffers from pop- eyed hallucination that any one can win at stud poker. Even as you and I. Average man doesn't know where Sencgal is on map, but he knows Bat Siki put it there. He thinks mock turtles are killed to put in soup. He thinks all flushers with blue flannel arm bands are Yale students, He thinks Izaak Walton was Merchant of Venice. He would stick up nostrils at cheap idea of buying dyed muskrat coat for wife. But he'd blow eight weeks’ pay in luxurious orgy of get- ting her jacket of Hudson seal. Even as youand!. OR EVENER. Average man believes all he reads in Government weather reports and all he sees on U. 8. Marine Corps pos- ters. He thinks elephants’ tusks are made into soap and St, Peter runs lock and key privilege at pearly gates. He pities $15,000-a-year lead pencil salesmen and blind men. He thinks hokum is what Chinese !aundrymen smoke, and heroin is lovely gal in a melodrama. He is guy that goes to barber for 30-cent haircut and leaps out of chair owing $1.65 and smelling like sample whiff of non-Dupont pow- der factory, About the same ae you and |. Average man goes to lectures, ral- lies and clinics looking for excite- ment. And while he's there they have four-alarm fire in his block. He be- lieves in those ‘Forced Out of Rusi- ness” signs and thinks permanent auction shops are on the level. He ts innocent check grabber at Dutch treat. He thinks year of the flood was when Johnstown got drenched. He thinks dipsomaniac is a pickpocket and Pittsburgh is a Western city on scoount of National League. He fig- ures permanent wave should be per- manent and all Sahara citizens be- bave like sheiks. And he thinks Sroundhog is sausage meat. But if you think average man has a tough lifetime, how would you like to be his wife? near Lubeck, Germany, Dec. 18, 1786, and died in London, June 5, 1926." We don't know just how far our circulation extends into the next world, but we'll bet you, if Carl sees this ttem, he'll feel foolish. Reading an article concerning the late Marshall P. Wilder recently re- minded us of a custom the little humorist had. He lived at the Alpine Apartments, on what is now the site of the McAlpin Hotel, and when he was at home an American flag al- ways hung from his window. If he wes out, no Sag was to be seen. Wilder was a great friend of Alec Brown, Secretary of the Master Plumbers’ Association, who thirty- War's aur ricut ~ vou Good 'NuF FoR me! “TH ice A Swe xmMaAd PRESENT AN! (T I ENToYeED MY ) SUPPER VERY MucH - I Gotta GO HOME Now AN DRY THE | Distes Any EARN | AY CENT - < Goo- tre - { HAVE THI CAR} (LL RIDE IN wm ED — A FLivvER' THE BIG LITTLE FAMILY Ss AMR y hl OF SHRIVVEL'S DINNER ‘Tradp Mark Heg. U, 8. Pat, oft. SNo use - t CANT Sreax | \\IH}! GOsH ED, AFTER MIXING IN WITH “THAT GANG OF MILLIONAIRE BANKERS AN' STeeL MAGNATES (T'S Goop 7% GET BACK “O MY OWN FRIENDS AGAIN —“haT BUNCH ts “oo CLASSY FoR MY DIGESTION ! WITHOUT STARTIN' TrovBLe! NO MORE SOCIETY STUFF sIN MINE ff Copr. 1922 (N. Y. Eve. World) Press Pub. Co, - = I Hope Mom > | MAS SAVED Tite comPanY { Dishes For Me | SUPPER |*2 6 wiPe- TI J y Just Cotta Eaen THAT SoG OMI WELL-TD Fee CHEAP KMAS Moen iF DIDNT HAVE SOMETHIN’ odin FoR HER - BECAUCE | TX FIGURE SHES GNIN ME GomMETHIN’ NICE Trade Mark Reg. U. 8. Pat. Off. : Now sri HIDE (T UNDER 7TH BED “TLL: XMAS AN! 4 PP Rms RR, DbuMP caRT Trade Mark Reg. U. 8, Pat. Off. We Don YEH , 1 see iy Exacrey —! (t'S LIKE GOING FROM CHAMPAGNE, BACK “TO HOME BREW — to ey, wwe F LIKE CHANGING FROM CLEAR HAVANA ® A STOGIE —or LIKE GETTING OuT OF A ROL(S ROYCE ITO A) ive Than to Recéive, BUT— es Tv Me ave = WANT MY 5 Money Backs ’t Blame You,, — 1-7! — Thangs tf Ba Bia ms Sci MAYBE MArey With BARN THE MONEY| FoR THAT Doc AnD MaAYse se WonT THe score Tbav- Beds ere- FounD - Gurr. Docweo Foe Kickin on Gain 3 DED. i (4 y FRITZ RITZ NO!) COULDNT THINK oF ) ‘ MARRYING YoU, BOBBY 5 2 eT} To a W { qj Now Look HERE ,YOUD BETTER BE CAREFUL HOW ‘ou REFUSE ME NOU MIGHT BE SORRY 5) \ FRITZ Y eae THEN You CAN CALL UP YourR FRIEND FERDIE To Cone WER AN' KEEP YOU COMPANY ! SOONER SIT | HERE ALONE ANO KNIT! A -TD THAT'S THe FIRST Time S0>} KAINKA REFUSED To Taxe THE DA’ pt Y OFF! ND NOW PERMIT US | THEIR CROSSES. THE LAST “TIME You SAID"NO, | WAS ON THE VERGE OF COMMITTING SUICIDE -- > —— BUT 1 CHANGED MY MIND - (cane Se eau ee aS torn ») OH | WOULDN'T WORRY ABOUT | ; THAT, BOBBY — We ALL | ———_— |) 7 MAKE MISTAKES! -—~a>——) Why Worry? Hl I nas everson “GS he & Hew story, quick eo,” | Uh diene 1 | id i hie fours a0 Wed wh alcuan Ch als Cue Be J Gulek, Alec,"|the audience. Taier Wilder said it monologulst himself, One day Aleo|S#ld Wilder. “They know all my old|saved bis act, and added moltntara vou tint Ly OY loved dances, dinners, theatres|at her, It mado her dislike men went to a benefit for Levy, the noted|ones, and I'm in fast company in] “I owe you something for that,| art, Nellie Revell’s physici J and rides, Naturally she enjoyed ste. ha trouble, iit strange cornetist, at the Academy of Muste,|this show.” Alec. Bring your girl around to see| says the only reason the Scotch |" them more when a nice man was Bey vay policectiiet twits fillies . vi her, ut every man 16 ki vj] car, ey folle mM e| and found Wilder pacing about in| Brown told him one about a stut-)me some day und I'll give ber a] have @ sense of humor is be- Htreid to kcss her and mako love to] they touched her hand in the dark of the lobby. __f- tering drunk, and it “went big” with| kiss.” { cause it's @ gift. her. Joy could not understa) pny theatres, end when she had her es- SEER eae eee nT eee ~ * cort on the other st really was very, very trying. It m: her despise men i But tt was Mary Malinda who } the worst trouble of all. She coll not make men notice her any time o anywhere.—Katherine Negley 1 Judge.