The evening world. Newspaper, January 5, 1907, Page 8

The roo ning World's Daily Magazine, Saturday, January 5, 1907. Three Great Huamorists ee for Evening World Readers. fAtusical Swete, but Dopey, who wanted un to stop’ and ton, the cry to Dopey at the £ meet his friend “Ot cm T was w collar he's Ww passed hia it went ‘ollow your trunks ~ Doneytw-portad! i conmai« tapering to y them up a0 © poe) Dopey McKnight Takes to ° Bad*€ompany or Tae Legg Tyree ne NO GEN. BINGHAM 4S LEARNING. *” AS one result of his year’s experience, Commissioner Bingham come to the conclusion that the police force of New York is demoralized. : “So everybody knew. The rank and file of the force are brave beyond ES question, faithful to the end in certain forms of polite duty ;-but like-all men, (hey are desirous of advancement, and so long as power ane pro- motion-come to the slickest grafters the corrupt polite system continues. =Phe evil is not at the foot; but at-the head; not, with the patrolmen, _but with the sergeants, captains, inspectors, Commissioner Bingham will ask the Legislature for two simple changes in, the Police law: one that the inspectors shall be such captains as’ the Commissioner may desig- nate, and the other that the detec- “tive force shall be revocably, and “Out of the Block System ~ And the Merry Accident. qaaace By Martin Green. DISTRLERY: UR old’ friend Joe Miller, th ALL ORINKS 5¢} thor of the "Joke Book, turned to New York yest from rovers! State caplials, where has been writing messages for, Gov- ernors.lloowas. blown up like @ race Ing car tire over some of the master pleces of bunk that’ he dealt out te the —eonativents. of varfous ~ states men. One of the few messages that he didn't have his mitt in was that of Gov, Hughes, but he has- strong hopes of writing a few amendments to it before the Legislature jountS. “Speaking of race suicide,’ sald the anciéat Soren pull- . not irrevocably, appointed. the Use ‘going on?-Vou've been WG bale cen Jong green fore his aoe ead) eying ; £ £ : t d.fervent . We won't need race sulclde . Both ‘these changes.are good, and stathonsa ea Eat ee Oro er it : : g population. of thia/counery, down to a araversrdisPuahe neither of them will interfere with at pleas Bean patherondls domestic arid social habits Zi a : : tae att vo pe et oe shite fed soneroweee ne powenumael ¢ Be et ab tee f j ; ; with people get the people to travel. The percentage that SET Ue a coh fata Ro eer SRE a re i en tee will. come back in the baggage car will equalize aati equality of opportunity i Mistays His Happy Home By Roy L. McCardell. “Poss ho use, i THis 15 Too MUCH! DON'T: NOTICE iM * paid the Chorus Gtrl, “'w eo ROL %. pass Dopey McKnight! 1 hh hisgelf, b y macking us up aga! friends in the Out and Down straw Ja broke, and we've got him uo! “You “know somn ofe 02 fo be always expla bad ea he Resco! st last 0 DABS when there's ave ab ‘Oh, everyhody's been up ai that; The friend on the’ bum that you HAYe to pay ts got plenty of moi but he's no eccentric, and that.he j Nas to be MADE to put on’ a do. hted he forgets to shave. “Wo passed thtm Up so cold that Dopey pinched h f Teddy Rear, Ohlef ‘Fraid Cat. EAR GREEN-—I lost my interest| Chief Three Fingers and Chiof Charlotte Russe, apurred te D fn the recent’ blood-thiraty up-]a frenzy by thelr ancient: medicine nian, Soured-on-the- rising of the Ute Tribe tn the|#tomach, tt was expected tha: at any moment the ‘defant formerly wild and woolly Wost Just | braves would deliver the most dectatve blow as soon as I that the Hearst campaign closed. redmen had £ At this critical moment somebody swore out an Injunction r 4nd a constable went out one morning before breakrast, ting the trall~ It has been my ob-/ surrounded tie revellious band ot-2,07-and-arrested-them servation that a domesticated Lo will| for trespass or for giving a street parade without a permtt never soar very high as long as ho|or something of the sort. Anyhow he drove them back romagns wrided to ihis humanlaing |to the reservation, where they resumed thelr reg\taravo- suspendera and their southern depend: | caticns, such aa aleeping, eating and fea-culture. y | enetes. | Our fathers builded wiser thin they knew when they be- The entire country waa greatly ox-j ean encasing-the-proud~ but slightir bowed- legs —of our -dum pal of his, d. On'e those residing in the Immodiate path of danger |noble red brother tm Fiymouth Rock pantings. Had off remained calm--Facept.ma. .Horole waren: ondents _pre-| Wnely Geronimo been introduced at the proper age to tha pared to exposo themsolves where the double lead was] braided scam and the watch fob hie early lite would have ie tekeat.: War corrcanondents are oasily exposed. | beon ao sedentary as to make the Prisoner of Chillon look ntion of Cruelty fsa ble sub to sca that D had deen - te : as 5 My heart kept gots, id doy ul I felt of gad go mists ore be ee tosr name wreanenor {TOM Hi Glasses to. Green Glasses in Funny Glasses, Va. js s ums semvriar haf te jou ry eter rm ficers subject to examination are af Se ‘Dopey’s income was whole list, Also Me detective torce-of th sd , toned in front of the The New York police force is larger than the early standing army} yea cre Ct RS OV a oe te really-is poor Dopey McKnight's fault or because they'r major generals. However. valuable the civil service may be in its elimina- cour: corde « come’ ta suapict ‘OL ac, them very words ‘own income’ ts suspictoun a SCebE- ennul take one of our palaces on.wheels for a lttle spin f rvin fe] linea#ty promoted until they become y board and room rent a: the uniformed force and selected according to merit ‘for ara periods AS} ani tcabused. ee live ones about who no questions ts dsxed and no explana- enforcing the pure food laws since the frat of tho year. ~.tion of men_unfit for promotion through physical ‘defects or mental ignor- ‘The Mualéal were." Admittedly the Commissioner and his deputies should not be chosen } now ‘ and efficiency. of his: depart- He wi a rum-dum The War )donarunent with {ia tweual intelligence ordered Uke the oonductor of a merry-go-round in comparison. Had ated to the tse of {@80Ush to make a pronounced case of ennui resemble a the side pocket inmtead of being perm! to covert over {Cs Of St Vitus's dance. You can't preserva a. dignised! | the landscape with nothing Uetween him and the rigora of} Clim when you don't know whether you are going to rua [a Dakota winter excest a turkey” tall fan, m-cout of ront-{ {nto @ rallmad station or a frofght train full of pig tron. [ing vaint and a total strangers back hair, the corn dance}. “TH® BYerage ratirosd manager te & lineal- descendant of of hin people would have becoma m chiropodist's function; Simon Lesree. Boards of directors of rafiroads dan't twenty years azo, Promote superintendents and managers for operating trains | Reniomber, Green, that the deepest footprints of peace} With the greatest regard forthe safety of the passengers, j and otvilization have been mada in the Far Weet hy pants) heratiroad_man_knows that he climbs ‘the ladder Westward the course of trousers tnkes its way. The son-}®%v!ng money. suitution follows tho pistol pocket. Tho bulwark of the} ‘The block systems on the average raliroad are ghastly plorieer home !s the refnforced seat. jokes You might aswell station section hands along.thi note of what the advance agent and the nociety}right of way ‘at intervals of a mila to throw peanut shells. itor have to say in regard to the costuming the next time {at passing engineers, They put in an alleged block aye te Utes or thé Shy Anny or the Navahoes burst from the} tem and hire men to work tt for #0 or $0 @ month, ‘The, | feservation with a loud report. If tt should develop that the/ hours of the block system man are short and full of Joy. | hostilo tribesmen have hit the grit attired tn chaste cos-{Except at the most Important points there are two of him © umes of hearth varnish and feather bristles vlay them{One goes to work at 7 o'clock tn the morning anf keeps Meht across tho board frst, place and-show, beyond thet the road_moting on his block until 7 o'clock at night. ‘The poradveniure of a doubt there will be doings done. other goes on at 7 o'clock at night and does Nkewise until Vs, on the other hand, the deapatohes from the front}? o'clock In the morning. They work seven days a week should state that each buck 1s still enmeshed in the four-}and get a vacation when they take alck. A dollar hand-me-Gowns conferred upon him \% a beneficent} “I think I'l go into the railroad busloees myself." con jon brass and gwj@jand paternal government coppor all bets. The war medicine}cluded Joe Miller, “and use coples of my, Dook tnatead braid that they had to undress him with a can-opener, Led| fll turn out to be soothing syrup: Yor fr: | rules and inwtructios Love Affairs of Great Men By Nixola Greeley-Smith. stn Pepys, Prince of Gossips, in Love, ee L. PEPYS, author of the most famous Gary fi S Uteratura and the most perfect man gossip af any © ose, Was a self-made man at a time when men were BUTTE or hheriterss,- bat -sehterr= py their n Stores His GOL was a tailor, who barely mani e uel_to Cambridge, where . Siviacesl commentary on the-ooll education of the times that he did not learn the nyultipiit until after he was married. ‘What's rum-um2, A rum-dom {sa human stew, one that's continually cooking in his own ulcohol. —“Of-eourse, we didn't know much about, Dopey's rum- dum_{riend, because he novor haunted the house till Uy Pure Food Law went into effect. ‘When that happened, the Iquor dealers haa to put on the bottles what the stuff was made of. By this time the MusteaT Swetewar—treqnenting the five_rent_morgues, when the Pure Foot Law went Into offect, they ashamed to name the ingredients and —hed—to close; ta, they were atther ashamed or afraid. : ‘The Musleaf Swede found, to’ his forror that he sobering up or the sort of stuff he had to buy under thos Pure Food rules, and he couldn't got tile wood alcohol 40.00) trooos and. then, following the customary rule ed them back again s0 promptly that, golng In, the the Inte Sitting Bull heen properly ac xouses. But my lips cot more telling strangers the ‘wtory “I have beentrevelting considerably in the- peat few — tion. They are based on the United: Of his iife. How be ‘was a mi sundersatood gestus and a dane tapahocasy] neers raticia val iren erence tanee States Army system, by which of-3% Q Ni i c ui 1 PG SN att for {t, Nobody Has an income tisy can : E {across the country-und you” won‘t~have-any—more-ennel—— , hil to bri New York, Jan. & dy thoir tribal rulers, C them a jack rabbit. About from ‘here to Washington is colonels, while promexions to brig- had an officer of the 5: adier and major general are at the nomination of the Tiresident from the fae AGW aie MerichRN TOME Man ‘ou see, I'm going through tho oxplanation again. efficiency may prove expedient. o-more-of-it-for-me! Nixon the human apologies for , of the United States. It numbers as many men as took part in the fight-}« Herings te be poner eT ing at San Juan Hill. The police inspectors correspond to brigadier and by mer What's Dopey got to do with the Pure Food Laws? Well, tt ain't Dopey exactly, it's an old rt: ance, jt has no machinery for determining what men are best for the Ba eo aa aR RE ‘highest Positions in the department. a top Iiner ten years ago, but ho's nothicg b the result of a written and physical examination. Neither should in- *— spectors and detectives. The public are entitled to hold ‘the Commis: i sioner rigidly responsible for the discipli } ment. He-should, therefore, have the powers to select his own executive “subordinates. 4t-is impossible fora-Commissioner to conduct his department suc- cessfully by the method President Roosevelt tried when he was President of the police force_and be his own detective and his own inspector. No -one man can-do the work which the dozen police inspectors should do. " ‘Any mat has his hands-full with the necessary’ duties of Police Commis drawn fromthe wood. se Renee ee sioner without personally. ‘visiting pool: rooms. and saloons or acting 453 money, peuttahentthe ae a qatkorhatenarwenteds | m y but he ways i — —=—— he-didn't-eall-on Dovey for any mori z at the-house-for-advice: “Then Dopey remembered a place on Mroadway that h brand that, after you'd taken two, they'd tell you to 60 out, as they didn't want any disturbance, Hi “And,as we wus walking past the Casino. golng in to en_coming out. In an fe0° 1f--Burnle— Burnsides wouldn't place —us tn—the.new.{ vice Gen. Nelson AW Miles pul on son piece, who should we meet, arm tn arm with the rum-dum To hold the inspectors responsible for their districts the Commis- sloner should have the power to designate acting inspectors. and to re- ~~ yoke. the-designations—at-will.—He-should-surely_have_as_much power } $ aa i ioner Bingham. has ac ished more than some of fi ~ predecessors in the course of the past year. He has learned what the? majority of the people of New York knew regarding the condition of the | police force. He should now go Cunon his tr x Gert It would be a more efiec ming to thei SOrs Were Se i < from Faaiell smite Se AnGH RR THIeIE OU ee eral of the present inspectors dismissed i dof pensionad. Still, a little : LIF, g = ae Sa a ac Sh pee soft-heartedness may be allowed Commissioner Bingham: as a prelim- : : a ns Cone, ha homers to tive and very I inary, although that iS the last quality needed in dealing with) the in- | frctchs tren TeATeeee Spectors and coptains through whonr the grating faintly, offered them a home, and go in the famous diary, which: a == has -hecome -such-a_ public “shame andat nom the red me oa i c 2 . how she used to myke coal: tend weret ny tert slae aw asi A | room at my Lord SandWich's; for which I ought for and dof aid peyawA My sett whe wouttto-the—meme-thing- T reduce us tot" | r = # aD. : Pepys obrained office, however, prospered and gradually rose to be Secretary * can bes ) > g i jot the Admin ta. he displayed great ability and courage, being son two = ; x ralty oMicials boave mimugh to remain in London durin ix ware, Viayve, In their prosperity coupte quacrelled tree mainiy about fasitons and the way Mrs. Popy's should dress and wees — {her hale, — <= i These almost. datly aquabblen were oonsclen Mowry wot forth in_ the diary, DWN Torn sex the most -nomplete record of matrimonial bickering ever recorded. —— | On the 1th of July, 1657, he records of Elizabeth that ho “did give her a pull by” [the nose -aria-somo tit w ‘and ayhen-he-—“went-to-the oMfco to avold further. Tanger ahe followed me In, a devillsh manner tnither, 7 = }——Among-the-seyentecnth century. husband's grievances the largest, perhaps” | was Mra, Pepys following a mode wTiléh nrose to dyo the hair, or mther bleash {t after the mannoy of our own Ume. IIs remonstrated with her in the carriage: Ton their -way-home from a funotlon, bs “She, poor wretch,” he confided to the lary, “was surprised and we aed = z = & and =se: For-Cheap Asvartinients, FTO ati nf ne hr feat areRaere MATHEMATICIAN. , Good Free Muate: Evening W Torus ina goad nelghboraood. Lat thers bs-three and four room and tsath to SSS tach=flat and-reatai.tram $141 © Let the houses be it-without Mldous decoration or elaborate Attings, rent them to us who try to exist on our snail sa investment would pa be no vacancios.. 1k: ies that would enga: ~ fore they are erent Or, why oble example act by ity offers free con- } no anawer all the way home, but there We parted, and I to the office Inte, then home, and without supper to bed, vexed." Another duarrel, 1n which Eliaaveth seems to haye beea much In tho righty }e-thus-recorded : | to sing-with-my wife and-Mereer in the garden; and, coming in, 1 find my | wite plninly dissatisfed with me that I can spend so much ime with Mercer, | teaching ber to sing, and could never take the paing with her. Which I ackno) edgo; but St 1s becatsso the girl do take music mighty readily, and she aoe | and muse {s the thing of the world that T love most, and all the pleamure al mat Ioan n © bed In rola [ttle discontent, but no words from me’ Mr, Pepys had a taste for “inighty pretty women’ which Mrs, Pepys naturanly did not share when ft extended further than her own looking glass, Oda olght lafter a quarre! over a Mrs. Knipp, a pretty actress of the time, Pepys woke up j to find this wife standing by the petalde with “the tongs-red hot at the enda.Aw— lit," he nalvely records, “sho did design to punish mo with them," Pepys stopping out of bed managed to disarm efd pacify tho angsty Indy, apparently had designed to give him the 4d—-l Ina hew way. Notwithstanding their many quarrels, largely due to Pepys's precise, old matte Ish disposition and his wife's Violent temper, they seem to hae Iaved each othe! sincerely, Mrs, Penys dled lopg before her husband, and tic >of for her was genalhe and permanent. my mecacdosene(anis flats nom, } The Office Doy's Treatment. To the itr ot Tam an office sale hardware our place always tion for me, I hat office very Incoris{de friends who are om ten not more th plaining of being who—treatsoth treated wil) everybody salut fetter say} fro treates E E ‘ 1 out of The Flagstam Problem, J end of the seginent reat- the s.ampy, and {ts top struck | 3 Taree TASH Rone Tcche evel fc feet from Pn properly remove on'm day that ta in mud, Bo, To who: THARD PALK. | ) Brondway, ine W fe reflects the love. Lazy folks never have any letsure. i Greatness is revented in gentences, Every soul elther serves or shrinks. You do not acquire moral muscle by dodging duty. Qonsccrated ignorance in only slothful blasphemy, Working for men Js the best way of wedting ‘on'God. ‘Thin da a tad world to him who looke at {t with sour eyes, | A man must be judged not alono by his sttainments, but dy his ideals, ™ The chesty man seldom has cecommodationa for a full grown heart. cr “The sermon.of the Man {a mighttor than even hia sermon on the mount. There {8 a world of difterenco between o tender heart and A soft head. val Legal Att soctety, What Chancet Go the Etitor of Ta In anawer to jem as to what the charices are of a pers twelve books tn (without hay Qion). I have calculated tha ar an I 47,001,089 chancea against a single| or legal hep? I am a poor girl of any one’s doing m. The prin- i _ GBRERYDE. i * mado a | money, Where