The evening world. Newspaper, January 6, 1905, Page 16

the Post-Oftice at New of Joy if Cartoons SEH,” said the Cigar Store “Man, “that old Governor . Pennypacker, of Pennsyl- vania, advises that when a man that the man don’t like it should i an overture to the slaughter of An editor.” i "There aro many men in public Uifo who think the same as the vaude- Wille Governor of Pennsylvania,” re- ‘sponded The Man Higher Up, “but | ‘of them have the nerve to say 80. It bill to muzzle the press should ‘become operative in this Stato there uld be celebrations in Albany and and the City Hall that would make eyes of the populace pop out a lines, ‘Look at our old friend, Timothy Iso with his anti-cartoon bill. lo was & Reub and. showed it, a ype of the b’gosh legislator who nks that because a few thousand sé AM married 1 to a Har and I want You to warn young girls against mar- tying liars, writes a disgusted woman’ render of The Hvening World, “Of course, | ike all women I found it aut too Iate.!’ Somewhere nev- erel thousand years ago @ ven~ Weman, Solomon dy name, the theory that all men are presuinably made jaome three dred vives unhappy by. I Jomon'a reputation as the wiseat that ever lived does not rest on statement clone, but surely of all of wisdom which we bave in- tg trom the great king, there ts purer or serener ray. ‘while the disgusted wife of oue f descendants decries the’ tendency to prevarlcation, tunately throws too much The Man H «+++ By Martin Green.... people in a remote part of the State send him to Albany at the request of some boss he Is a sort of @ cupola But the sentiment against the freedom of the press is paper prints anything about | Published by the Préss Publishing Company, No, 6% to 68 Park Row, New York, York a8 Second-Class Mall Matter. “NO. 18,844 igher Up.*¥ on the Capitol, not confined to the Reube, “There is Senator Tom Grady for instance, a New Yorker from the Bowery, His attitude toward the | newspapers of this town {s the atti- tude of a hydrophobia patient toward a bucket of water, He don’t keep his feelings under cover, either. It ie | reported in Albany that he will in- troduce 4 bill this winter providing that the arms of all cartoonists be amputated at the elbows, “To mussle the press as the Penny- |packers, Ellsworths and\ Gradys would like to do would be the signal for the adoption of the platform of | the Whitechapel Club of Chicago the time they ran Griszly Adams for | MADESNO gas, no water, no | Dolice!’”’ “I thought that public men were always trying to butt into print,” re- marked the Cigar Store Man, “Not always,” explained The Man Higher Up. “When a boy runs away from school, does he go home and tell his parents about it?” fen, Women, and Lies. By Nixola Greeley-Smith. back through dim ages to the first man and woman, Hore, however, we strike a lead, For mankind, still persists in the claim that Adam was created first. Therefore, though through no merit of his own, he Must have told the first Ile. Sines then "his descendants have put in| 7 & claim for the first lie as Eve's daugh- ters have for the last word, And, no ‘One who did not seek the speedy oblit+ eration of the race coubi conscientiously warn young women against marrying Nars, Do not, therefore, requiré that your husband shall not tell you @ le, Rut Innlst that he tell you a good one; Per- haps the best matrimonial Me is one that he knows 1s not true and that he knows you know ts not true, but which {s amusing by its gross palpable un- truthfulness. For by telling you. this varlety ho at least pays you the com- Pliment of admitting that he can't fool you, Gometimes, td, his very lying may be & proof of love, for it is a pecullar fact that while love prompts women who at Other times show a marked preference for prevarication, io tell the truth it seems to transform the most naturally ‘the subject by adding: nd's entire family are dread- think of a mother not al- her, son to vote until he wis “yeare old to keep his sls ed, lo man {s to blame for of veracity. The son Inherits trom his mother, the moth. her, perhaps, ani’ so on, this triendship “gears mad- me," snapped the Pessim. 7 iat. friendship fs a peautiful thing,” nateut Philosopher, truhful man into 4 very mountain of decelt, ‘TMs better (o have lied and loved than never to have lied at all seems to be the firs! principle of masculine court- jerefore, you must aocept his lies as ain cally rou do hin violets, his aoc ane Che fai the! ieee if 78 fatal ty eave ras ol vot ae dedicate yourelt fo to. ‘a ve ts Of single-blessodness iS marry more or | ft ear wi phan ish -Pessimist’s Growl| By Alice Rohe. of friends who are due to arrive, ‘They'll be hore to remind you of your| & early affection and incidentally to camp| @ out at your flat and got a few intro- ductions to John D, Rockefeller, Mrs, had) John Jacob Astor or any of your sup- ay" demanded the Pessimist, an- lends? Bah!" fie those who atick eas you ‘waverslty and trouble, phor, dramatically, Go, do they? Well you've mot a line of friends than any aam- ve come my way, Friends fs, Anopportune affairs that ‘up against since I've come to Tse den't it, I never had till I came here, and all folks decided I was the real And let me tell you right here {e \worve than a boomerang, this mending back glowing reports ‘Breat success in New York, the Budora Bazou comes out your name played up on the front if you were a fire or the fall Port Arthur and proceeds to tell in tiravagant terms of how New York /prostrated before your genius you Wanit to watch out for the first batch — A Re-tailed Adage. PR WHEN THE CATS ARWUND, Y°U SEE; THE MICE biILL, PLAY ~THE RACES, pored pals, of friends,’ "Old friends are sweeter than stran- gers,” said the Amateur Philosopher. Nay, nay, talk not to me "@lad you think so,” said the Peanl- $ "There are othere ike you. 1} % know people who the minute they land| mist, 4h New York make @ canvass of all the immigrants from their native heath and begin to get busy in the calling line— provided they can get anything out of the friendship, I'll bet you never had a| & friend look you up when you were down on your luck, "Do I ever look up people just be-| > cause they lived within a radius of ten miles of my old homestead? York for? Certainly not to try, to transplant all the bores and drawbacks of my checkered childhood, I was gla to escape, “Now, you needn't try to tell me anything about this friendship game, About all the hard luck I've had has come through my friends. It’s a case of the villain still pursued her, I've been dodging friends so much I feel like @ criminal,’ “Well, what's the escape?” "You tell me that and I'l] make you @n honorary member in the Great Guild of Oppressed New Yorkers who are walting to be saved from thelr friends,” I — THE TYPEWRITER GIRL, She came to me in a business whir|— I thought I was lucky to get her; J hired her—my beautiful typewriter girl, Bhe obeyed me—to the letter! Shy and demure and without a flaw, No matter how early or late to her I swoke, It was final—my word was law. I hired her, forsooth, to dictate to her, Alas, but I married that maiden, ana when I made her a@ partner and mate to me She lifted her eyes, from the keyg] | and pen And started right In to dictate to me! ~Aloysius Magaaine, Coll in Lippincott’s Not on] % your life. What did I come to New] ® She—I spend six hours a day trying to grow tall; {t's the fashion, you know. He—Well, you've made a beginning, | sve! Your face looks lor ger than usual, | Cholly—D'ye |aw how you hugged the neck of one will do, fle Ae: cD, 7G WORLD Editorial on some pss No More Bird Cages or Se RESIDENT LITTLETON’S special. committee’ appointed to consider Brooklyn’s transit. troubles has yielded nicely to the B, R. T. influences in its make-up, and announces that it will confine its energies to procuring better bridge terminals. President Littleton reports that President Orr of the Rapid Transit Commission will help to solve the problem and everybody is happy. ’ this. No one else will have it. In the closing days of the Low administration Mr. William Barclay Parsons, then chief engineer of the Rapid Transit Commission, proposed a comprehen. sive subway loop connecting the two bridges, What has become of itP This and nothing else Then there will be real relief and real rapid transit, But no more bird cages in Park Row and nv more stepladders in the streets. The sub. way has demonstrated its value beyond question, The interfering interests must get out of the way. This is the People’s Business! Mary Jan THIS IS MY DENA PLACE OF QUIET REPO! ANO BRE Tea aer'S ‘WHE! XA ea RY a ALL I Best J Jol oKes. BOSTON MEN, Green—How did you come to lend Gray money? YoYu don't know him, Brown—That's just it, one does know that one hesitates to lend money to,—Boston Transcript, IT DEPENDS. Mrs, Bacon—Which do you think fs) the best talker—he or his wife? Mr, Bacon—Well, do you mean for quality or quantity?-Yonkers States-( % man, A GOOD BEGINNING, —Detrolt Free Press, CLOSE ATTACHMENT. know, Miss Pepper, 1 deahly love horses! Miss Pepper—I imagined so when I you were riding yesterday,—Clevelang Leader, sooooaennoooosoongorsoeoosonns 4064 >OOx It ix the man! § e Gets Into “Pop’s de % A Sheand Hickums Try His Rest Cure qe Ae It Really Exciting3 THIS |S POPS DEN, WHERE HE RESTS HIS TIRED NERVES,| ole, | rubbed Mea down dimes Diet Queries, But how will Mr, Orr help? Steps were long ago authorized to take possession of the property between North William street ~and Chambers street, but they seem to have been side-tracked in favor of the B, R. T. plan to make a switching yard of City Hall ‘Park and a loop-the-loop game’ in Centre street. No one else wants Letters. Take Them to Sub-Treusury, To the Editor of The Evening World: What can a business man do with| and Canadian $ |70 the Haltor of The Evening World; at any public brary or obtained from} honorary chairwoman of | tho Ladies’ Ald Society for the Uropagation of Shaving Muga Among the Cannibgls, It was a worthy object and thot gentle Indy worked with a zeal which caked in an unprecedented rray ‘of shekels for the Cause, As & culminating stroke of wenius, sho Kot Up an entertainment at the Flat, where (far the insignificant sum of &2 per) 900 charvtable audittrs were treated to renditions .of ‘Dooley's , Firat Five O'Clock Tea," “Fifteen ‘Men on the Dead Man's Chest," ''A Cannibal Epi- sode,"" Kingsley'’s “Last Buccaneer,” and an original poem by’a man whose missionary-uncle had been eaten by New Guinea cannibals, ‘Dhe efitertainment was a ttomendous success, At ite close Mts, McIntyre made a pretty little speech on the cry- ing neéd of shaving mugs for canni- als; and a collection plate was passed around, Now, Mr, Melntyre, rented in the fourth row, enw the man directly in front of him put a ten cent, plece in the plate, while a benevolent-looklug woman hext ¢o this piker-giver sweet- ened the pot with a bright, new, crisp, crinkly $20 bill, Altogether, the colleo- tion aggregated to $20.11 donor of the additional cent Tepalnine modestly @nonymoys, Next evening a man called at the Me- Intyre flat and demanded an audience with Mew, MolIntyre, Mofntyre was resent at the interview and at a glance recognized the visitor as the giver of the 10-cent plece, "I called,” began the stranger ner- vously, “‘to rectify a ntistake, I was at last night's entertainment and was 80 moved ‘by the eloquence of the plea for the unshaven canntbals that I de- elded to drop a $10 bill Into the plate, In my confusion, however, I find I dropped’ a $20 bill by mistake, I could afford to give $10, but $20 would leave me broke, I therefore beg that you will Home Edu the professor, concluding an argument, “attempt to square the cirele.'* ‘Why?’ asked the professor's wife. “Because both are equally Impossl- replied the professor, taking up "Mensuration of Transcendentals.”” “I don’t see what there Is so hard in squaring the circle,” said the profes- sor's wife; ‘it's been done often S| enough, I was looking at it in the 2 | kitchen only S| “Pocullar Hy’ might just as woll,” sald “under what ®| guise is this problem lurking In the 5 | cullnary department?” “I don't know what ‘guys’ you refer >| to," sald the professor's wife, “and I > | don't see any necessity for cheap slang, but the circle is squared all over the oll-cloth covering the kitchen table, The pattert is nothing more than a lot of cirvles, with the sides of squares touching them on the ‘outside and the corners of other squares touching them on the Inside, Go you see it's done two ways. Why, i's a very common pattern. You may be all right with your higher mathematics, Charles, but these simple things are beyond you-- upparently.’* “Thank vou," said the professor, smil- Ing, “for the ‘apparently.’ The design} pri you refer to, however, does not solve the problom of aquating the circle, It {s a totally different proposition.” >| “Well, thon,” safa the professor's wite, “what is it?! “To square the circle,” replied the professor, leaning back and joining the ‘tips of his fingers, “1s to form a square. the area of which must be exactly equal to the area of a given circle, Now, the exact ratio between the cir- @ |cumference of a circle and ite diameter > |{s not known, but it is a trifle over ? | 8 1-7; that is, 8 and a decimal,” ®| ‘Why isn't it known exactly?” asked ® | the professor's wife, 6} "I don’t know,” sald the professor, “but the impossibility of finding the correct ratio was decided upon before you and I came Into the world, and we had better take it for granted, The area of the circle, of course, depends upon both the circumference and the diam- @ jeter, and ie—if you are Intensely desir. ous of knowing—one-quarter of the square of the diameter multiplied by this 8 1-7 and the unknown trifle over, It is the unknown trifle over that pre- vents our measuring off a square ex- stone; As plump as a partridge—as poor as a rat, As strong as a horse—as weak as a cat, As hard as filnt—as soft as a mole, As plain as a pikestiff—as rough as a bear. As tight as a drum—as free as the alr. weather, Take the Ice Out of the Hudson River. N. M. | Where can I read of a diet which | > | will keop my stomach in a healthy con » |dition? What do athletes eat? Are || (copyrot, 1905, by the Planet coffee, tea, ete. to be avoldel? Rub, Co) Buch a list of foods may be found Ma aaa TL rive me back my $20 and let me originally intended,’ e took @ leleurely survey | ering the moat ‘convenient ‘Bpot to. ing glance trom ‘Mrs, ‘Mo cidal purp man be, tae well-broken husband shoul ghe agreed kindly, ‘As, only: must be vours, Heredt ts, Is ‘one you put in? The visitor's evé lighted assy ‘st sight of the bill she Presoee, “That's the very one!’ swear to it anywhere “Then,” pursued” Mra, you at once.” with effusive expressions of gratitude. a common swindler, "Go T imagined,” tyre, gently, “and so was tl tool that $20 bill to They told me felt, af holy triumph, “I've tna now In place of ft. id for that poor, misguld cation. 2 You'll give me the $10 you pin 4 intended I will restore this $20 bil han the worthy man with a view of dlsoove the MeIntyre flat and old terra firma, (Phe McIntyres lived’ onthe Afth floor merely because there was no @ixth,) + “Certainly 1 will ela We hia one, 20 HL a into the plate thet ‘one t. olll was dropped a ct The exchange was quickly ertectet * and the stranger bowed himaelf ous © “You lose, my dear,” chuckled Mo= Intyre. ‘That man put a ten-cent pleco — in the plate, I saw him, It was @ woman who gave the $20, The man wag | purre® pra Moln- ee it was a cheap aganter ” th But," she added Aol an ona fw @ The Squaring of the Circle.’ actly equal in area to a circle, I won- der if you follow me?” “Weel,” wife, hesitated the professor's ‘Y think I do, But I certainly can't seo why, If they got as for as the one-seventh, or the couldn't fintsh It.” “Tt éan be made, more correct by cond dectmal, they 1 tinulng the decimal,” said the professor, “but eve the decimal is evertastingly continuous, For practical purposes 8.14188 1s far enough, but it goes on forever really, And so mathematictans simply — refer to this value for convenience by & Greek letter corresponding to the Eng> Msh letter ‘p.’" “Oh, I love Greek letters,” sald the Professor's wite;, “which one Is it?” “It Js ‘Pi,’ sald the professor; “0 after all, there seems to be some con- nection between it and your Kitchen you see.’” ," returned the professor's | . if I wanted to find the area of a mince plo now—for instancet”* “It would surely be a mixture of and Pi,'’ said the professor, ni unitwely to promote an acuta idle iy ‘All Nth paid the rari “but nt wae ‘baby. grow i be § re the cffele, “T hope" sald the pi tack of M gern 80 you hed beter relinquish: pa r eis Lpeey gels not gO rine m tictorals 8 the net phor—it fe enue etualy bety om saver Urea of Ke Gd pres i pel “Never eat it, fe; “I'd sooner give him break rn "iranscenden a Similes in Rhyme. 8 wet as a fish—ae dry as a bone, jAs hot as an oven—as cold as @ frog. A As live as a bird—as dead as a/As gay as a lark—as sick as a dog. As thin ag a herring~as fat ae a pig. As white asa Iily—as black asa coal,|A* Proud aa a peacock-os gay as a As‘heavy as lead—as Might as ajAs stiff as a poker—as imp a love, feather, |As blind ng a bat~as deaf as a port. As steady as time—uncertain as| |As cool a8 a cucumber—as warm ae { A Low Down Joke, “What aoe you think of the subway * “It's beneath my notice,’ As slow as a tortolse—as swift as the wind, As true as the Gospel—ds false as mankind, aria, As savage as tigers—ns mild as a dove, tonst, an oremeenretenetbaih e The : ‘Fudge’ ’ i ‘Idiotorial, We noticed yesterday in journeying to Albany on a public mission that the Vudson River was FULL OP ICE! This is of benefitto NO ON but the New York Central Railioad, which helongs to the Vanderbilt family, When tre river is full of ice the boa's CANNOT RUN! J |e detractors at ane of the Y. Mt. C.! “When the BOATS cann't run the CARS G3T ALL THE EUS'NESS, > edit ig often detrimental to perfect | Thus a TRUST is created, | No, | WE DEMAND THAT THE ICE B3 TAKEN OUT CF THE RIVER! | Star? Lp. shore to put it in! > Another “Proflt” Problem, | Let them dig the Ice out and stow it awiy! ; ean! Feeder solve ae Te" man Theh the boats can run and TH? TRUST WILL, BS BUSTED, ° ’ gets a sult for $10, with 10 per cent, The Ice will be useful next samm:r, 66 664040000000000000000000040000006000000060060000% Gent proft does het mace?! "a | It will cool cocktails for THE PEOPLE, \ sor rerun hia naga te r