The San Francisco Call. Newspaper, March 6, 1904, Page 12

THE SAN FRA SCO SUNDAY CALL. - — 3 AID the J3ps to the growler: “Oh, R'J‘S!ZI" * R Gratitude is one of the lost arts. B * = It/is 2 blessing that we do not know ested figure on what will be coming to tle things? s heart often wishes 1 to see m he sometimes wishes kept f a2 woman until you see her for that matter. 2 man eith e it mever proves to be ich liberty you ruin le “smile” may lead to \ who tries to make the whole thing 1hahc 1 save e demnition bow-wows. N * * 2 The hardest kind of work is to try to listen to some he makes his money; you may * * * 1p his blowpipe, you can it's a megaphone on a jag, t imb to the top of the ladder, be careful not to tumble off, or make yourself ridiculous. records of juvenile precocity make it sad ed spanking was out- sprain their of his honesty there’s no telling y his debts WHY IS A WEDDING? upon a time there was a prize sion age of the masc ne perst o came when you called him arles. The greater part of Charles’ time was spent in opening letters with white rose scent hanging about them photographs on his bureau. All that he had to do to put the ether men out of the run- room and hang out his best trick was done. In \ly and original glass of 1 and his regular sartorial lay- nake a tailor's model pull down uge be the bankruptcy knowledge that Charles commor in town fi-r the asking and in wouldn’t have had to do more le hint. As it was he had to carry ind with him to keep the applicants at The preacher who could get Charles to air ce in the choir loft every Sunday morning had e made forthwith. All the young ladies in ediately decided that the brand of spiritual food served up at that place was just the thing that been hungering and thirsting for and flocked to the place in a body, if not in the spirit. If Charles could have hired himself out as a sandwich man to the r of a health food there is no doubt that that manufacturer could have retired from business and built a house in the country inside of a year. But Charles, like many other charmers, was a heart- less trifler. Many a time and oft, if not a little oftener, he had brought down some gay butterfly of fashion to his feet then gone off to leave the poor creature to writhe in helpless agony. The Society for the Preven- tion of Cruelty to Debutantes had often considered him, but they didn’t seem to be able to get enough evidence together to make out a case against him. The fact of the matter was that Charles could no more help being charming than a trust can help being watered; it was the nature of the creature. If he had painted his face, or bought a large block of stock in the Thistledown Trust, or announced that he had voted the Democratic ticket all his life, or done something else equally in- vidious to remove the soft bloom from® his youthful cheek, he might have been able to avoid the evil conse- quences that seemed inevitably to attend his progress through this world of care and hard luck, but as long as he remained as Providence and his tailor made him manufa he seemed destined to wade through a sea of broken hearts to the richest heiress in sight. As is natural in such cases there were many false alarms. At one time it was announced by his diligent press agent that he had been caught in the net of an heiress from Texas who had more money than some people have ways of spending it, but it turned out that Charles had detected the young lady in the act of eating pie with a knife and that settled her case. Another aspiring huntress with a large block of mining stock, in a real mine, had him almost at the tape ready for the starter when she incautiously said “have went.” That was about all for her. She confessed judgment and the court issued an execution without a dissenting voice. These few mishaps would have been likely to give pause to the other representatives of the sex who were still in the field, were it not that hope springs rather more eternally in the feminine breast than anywhere else. As fast as one fell out of the ranks, sorely wound- ed, another stepped forward to take the stricken one’s place and the onward march on the cardiac bastions of the redoubtable Charles continued. A girl from the sunny south where the accent dieth not and the historical novel is not quenched led a forlorn hope only to die in the trenches when Charles discovered that she was not entirely pleased with his taste in neckties and would probably insist on buying them for him after the fatal knot should have been tied. What Charles wanted, he often declared, was a whose soul should be attuned to his in perfect accord. Properly tuned souls are rare in these strenuous days and many a man has to be content with one that can strike the proper chord once in a while, in addition to darning © socks and making buckwheat cakes. But Charles was no cheap imitation Russia leather article himself and nothing less than a soul that was approved by the best judges in the market would suit him. One girl who came so near to filling the bill that she could almost hear the wedding bells in the dim distance was thrown into the discard because she wasn't on familiar speaking terms with the broad “a.” This in Charles’s eyes was proof positive of a vulgar origin, and if there was anything that Charles’ sensitive soul shied at it was vulgarity. Another young lady had her mouth wide open ready to yell “yes” when it was disclosed to the horrified eyes of the fastidious Charles that her collar was not real lace. More vulgarity! His soul withdrew within itself and shuddered an extra shudder at its narrow escape. To be yoked for life to a being who could stoop to the depths of wearing an imitation lace collar! Could anything be more repugnant to a man whose nature was cast in a genumc!y sensitive mold? It was beginning to look to the grand stand as though Charles had a fighting chance to spend the rest of his days in singleness and alone unless an angel of others with boxing gloves, others with bare fists ar the rest with an old-fashioned ax handle. tween matrimony and alimony. the man who writes the new sense often makes a big play gloves, You have to handle some people with * - - An actress is frequently the lady who seesaws be- * * - t possible ins A scolding wife is the be per funny s * * - The woman who thinks her * * * flannels a The simpering dudelet in v listic lady in a sweater wil ing sight of seaside hotel pi - * - be among t A year of matrimony bad case of painter’s colic. may not be as bad as it There’is not much sa ion in the possession of a few millions when nagged by a peevish digestion. * * * e 4 Love is mighty sweet, but money is the business end of matrimony - . - If we tear the bandage from id's eyes we must not growl if we see too much The good bank account. The woman with a tobasco flow- of language and an al simmons makes a man were made in heaven * * * A dyspeptic man feels positi his wife enjoy a good dinner If you start grease the inclin bottom. A well . It's a wise gentleman erishes his mother-in-law When a boy gets a dose of liver pi Alimony —the grass s mite FABLE FOR THE FOOLISH S i closing a first lien or at Hewr advertisement wasn't arot An.\n the that what everything ral wasn't worth any way she to try to lear arles that <hc v is to show their own charms; the typewriter knew the proper plan of pmcer‘v\re is to Charles w that w to college and typewriter used applicant for ad dress would have r her unporp r home, bu Charles good and his goods and chattels and other mateg One migt comforts thereunto appertaining think that Charles stake in due co fact he boasts so much about ties that the men go around the other way w hen they see him coming. It is has never been turned at all, but to Charles’ only one in the orchestra that is anything like the real thing. People, who dote on morals and such things car ably discover from this scattered heap of Engl the reason that so many men go through the w pick out a crooked sti at the other side crooked stick is just the kind they need. (Copyright, 1903, by Albert B found out hi as a his wi