The San Francisco Call. Newspaper, February 7, 1904, Page 13

THE SAN FRANCISCO SUNDAY CALL 13 at ¢ most mice. - . - scretion is the gentle - - » St a woman propose? i a0 . selves have man and warm as she seer go ahead he New Year's recep really does not k The secret of matrr e brain as well crossed tk ked on = E.. It is not always the kitty who me-ows the loudest art of not being found out. Poor man, the etty warm for others. a fur-lined voice is not always as e 2 woman all ceased zero-weather s ca e - - N me people are o at . - - — — N e f Lord too good for this to stay here, they “Come and are born just we wake Washington, he is a her mp. calm e and let onable sermons. love Fable for the Foolish 'THE MAKING OF A JOURNALIST ly - com- One is hold id office that he can nted or elected to, and the other that he could run & news- paper if he had the chance. The lat- ter fend illusion is the only barrier that stands between many & man and absolute loss of self-respect. If it were not for the privilege of writing letters to vard and sundry editors assuring them that they are on a straight road to an asylum for the feeble-minded, the ranks of the unemployed would be doubled, and if it were not the other fond belief that every man is a ally qualified office-holder the oc- ions of grand juries and Congres- al investigating committees would be gone. It is one of the manifestations of the rony of fate that the men who are rur newspapers are the only men now in existence who are totally un- qualified for the positions which they occupy, although the woods are full of men who could hold up the torch ef liberty and spread the blessings of a free and enlightened press broadcast over the land and contribute to the dis- se ation of intelligence and- inform the world as to the score of the last baseball game or the result of the last prizefight, and perform the many other arduous and necessary dutles that fall to the lot of the newspaper chauffeur. It was Horace Greeley Jones’ idea that he had been picked out by providence to show the world how a newspaper should be rum, until he tried it. Hav- ing had the wisdom to choose a man for father who had gathered upto him- \\L‘ self rather more than a fair share of % s world’s gear, he was not under the & A necessity of taking it out in letters to ,'.é.b‘ | editor, but could get into the ring and put on the journalistic gloves him- for self. ‘ It was his idea that a newspaper 11d be the leader in every high en- ise and noble endeavor, and that should extend the chilly and inhos- she 0.@ b § N " - - O { \ 7 o ows’F A KirTy. 5YKA™™ Travessar . The prosaie side of life gives us the solid but the romance helps out the thrills and the real live sensations. out. The most If you spend work of art, A man has a beg pardon!) Little Miss M People who are built on cold storage lines think they are good, because they have never been thawed Train yourself never to see or hear anything that others do not want you to see or hear. out your salvation by enabling you to with both saints and sinners. It is a smart woman who can dress and appear a manner that keeps her friends guessing. Gratitude never travels on AR the ligh express. (Prefers the limited.) » TR Tt A man is not measured by what he thinks he kmows, but by what he proves he knows. An envious spirit makes a woman so ugly that even a beauty parlor is hopeless. insufferable nuisance thinks himself smart enough to run a comic supplement to your best story. If a woman thought once before she spoke once she would, never have time to do her talking. People who think themsel up to find themselves otherwise. “Why women sin?” Oh, go ask the other fellow. A dead politigian is the deddest kind of dead one yet you can't make the corpse believe it. jobs you will never have anything else to spend. A s¢lf-mede man thinks he has accomplished a real | while qther people think he has only issued a very cheap chromo. If you notice, your friends often treat you as if you were running a perpetual free lunch counter. that he should remember. And sleep in the cold outer air, An owl espied her And flew down beside hes, And gave a loud hoot, Miss Muffet did scoot And hid ’neath the old vacant chair. Wasn't it sad? - eomfort, - " . - - - It may work live in peace - - - is the man who - - - N - - es wise sometimes wake - - - - - = your time working on “thank you” * * - el little way of forgetting many things (To mail his s letters; et thought she would rough it, TITALE | WHO SPRINTED By Billy Burgundy OF THE GUY, + F pitable mitt to all such u nteresting and vulgar matters murders, train wrecks and elections in Mississippl. The best place t page should be given up the proceedings « the Association for t Human Nature and Gray Matter and should deal with velopment of the Su ness of Typewriter the Radio-active Emanati int of ng of edit cts like the De- liminal Conscious- dian Thistles. News sh e a nuis- ance and the people should be edu- cated to read not what y wanted, but what they ought to read In pursuance of this philanthropic plan for the cultivation of a polite and informing journalism he offered the managing editorship to that well- known scientist, Professor Micropho- bus, late of the University of Schweit- zerkase In Germany, and his chief leader writer was Professor Probeit of the chair of Unessentials In Podunk College. Only college graduates whose sheepskins had a summa cum laude la- bel attached were to be allowed to gather what passed for news with Ho- race Greeley. In order that there might be no doubt as to the high and exajted character of his mission he named his paper the Dally Judge. Unkind eritics sald that it was because the better the Judge the more difficult it was to buy him. Having gathered together his foroe of spectacles and encyclopedias who were to assist him in spreading his gos- pel of unnecessary and unreadable knowledge over the face of the earth he bought & few presses and instructed his men to get busy. His career from this time on was a living exemplifica- tion of the truth that it is possible to lead an equine quadruped to water, but it is a very difficult matter to make him buy a newspaper that he doesn’t want. A glance at the back files of the Dally Judge will show why Horace Greeley's paper wasn’'t the unqualified success that that worthy gentleman was sure it would be. A war broke out between two alleged South American republics, " but all the notice that the Jones organ took of the affair was to publish a long and unquestionably scientific—at least, no one could understand it—arti- cle on the history and anthropological significance of an Andean tribe that no one had ever heard of before. While the baser journals that pandered to the desires of the herd—and seen—print- ed long dispatches from the seat of war, the Judge went calmly on [ts way, giving to a waliting world the lat- est Information on the subject of the origin of tailless monkeys in the Bra- zillan forests. At about the same time Washington was seized with a violent epidemic of legislation and Jones took advantage of the opportunity to run a sensation- al and highly interesting serial on the origin of government and the place occupied in history by the Code Jus- tinian. While the world was panting for information on the possibility of the Soap-Bubble and Crystallized Smoke trust passing the next guarter- ly dividend, he was regaling his read- ers with extracts from the writings of the late J. Stuart Aristotle, proving beyond the shadow of a dovit that money was a bage and undesirable thing that should be shunned as Inter- fering with calm contemplation and the cultivation of repose of soul. A boller on a steamboat blew up and killed fifty people and Horace Greeley Jones took the platform to explain to the universe in general the nature of the expansibility of steam, and why. But the people who wanted to know how many were killed and what their names were bought the Daily Howler and let the scientific dissertations in the Judge go by on the other side of the street. These are only a few samples of the manner in which Horace Greeley Jones sized up the public taste and then gave it something that it didn't want. He was proceeding on the as- sumption that the tastefor informa- tion and instruction and olives and caviare and other disagreeable things could be acquired by diligent anc re- peated applications. Where he made his mistake was in forgetting that people who don’t like caviare won't eat it when they can get roast beef or lobster a la Newburgh in the immedi- ate neighborhood. If Horace Greeley had been running his newspaper on a desert island where none of his sub- scribers could get away he might pos- sibly have educated them up to the point of declaring that it was the greatest paper in the country and that life would be ,a bare and cheerless waste without it. As it was, they went around the corner and bought the Howler. i order that their feelings might be properly harrowed up and their particular Kind of news hunger appeased. Finally, when the advertising had fallen to a half-column undertaker’'s ad. in trade and the subscriptions had dropped to at least fifty per day, prin- cipally among the inmates of old women's homes, Horace Greeley de- cided that the time was ripe for him to retire from the newspaper business and g0 into something that he didn't know so muech about. In accordance with this pious resolution he sold the plant, furniture and fixtures and good will, including a high-power microscope for the purpose of locating the latter, to a soulless wretch, whose highest ideal was to pay his debts and taxes and educate his children without unusual expense to the community. Béing, as we have suggested, a base mercenary, he put in the most of the first day practicing on a chest weight, to be able to fire the men whom Horace Greeley had gathered around him. Then he proceeded to gather in a few choice souis who could make the ac- count of a dog fight read like a novel, and whose ambitions were to write stuff that would sell the paper. The name of the sheet became the Daily Bazoo; it was further concealed be- hind headlines that could be read across the street after dark, and car- toons that would have made an Egyp- tian mummy turn {ts head. It is no palliation of the new own- er’s offenses to say that the paper pald for itself from the start, and that the editor h already founded two uni- versities and a home for broken-down scientists out of his profits. It only goes to show that the man who starts out to give the people what they ought to have instead of what they want needs to be well endowed—at least with common-sense—before he begins. And If he is so endowed, he will never undertake the contract. (Copyright, 1304, by Albert Britt.) NCE upon a time there lived in the town of Pelt Center, which is a regular stop on a Southern road, a party of the name of Luther Livermore. Lt _her was the he-belie of the burg. He wore Primrose and West shirts. pats with polka dot cloth uppers, mani- cured his nails, smoked monogrammed Turkish studgnt lamps and talked about actresses. It came to pass that Luther's father had a fight to a finish with a spell of sickness and lost the decision. When the Life Insurance Company was put wise to the fact that the bout was on the level and the verdict was a popular one, they settled with the widow with- out going to court, and as Luther was the only child and his mamma’s pre- cious darling, she spiit the purse with him. When it became noised around Peit Center that the check had arrived the storekeepers invited Luther to stop in and sign tabs, and the young ladies made it plain that they would be charmed to have him drop in of an evening. Before it was time to rip the black band off his sleeve Luther had writ- er's cramp and an option on a girl named Lucille. The widow had noth- ing, the tailor had a dispossess notice, the confectioner had doubts, the jewel- er had hopes and Lucille had spark- lers. As long as Luther kept the kids busy carrying bonbons and blossoms to Lucille all was well, but when he had shot his bolt there came a change In the betting, and the wise ones tum- bled to the fact that he was due to lose his forfeit. ‘When Luther got a hunch that Lu- cllle was going to transfer, assign, con- vey, set over and release all of her right, title and interest in and to her cardiacal regard to onme Rufus Has- son, he out up an awful howl He exuded the opinion that she was not on the square and that she was handing him the double cross for th: reason that his father had neglected to carry a million dollar policy. He set up the claim that she did not possess a marketable title to her seat of affec- tion, for the reason that she had ac- cepted sundry and divers goods, chat- + tels and effects from him, and that in consideration of the delivery unto her of the sald sundry and divers goods, chattels and effects, she had by Insinu- at intimidation, innuendo, utter- ance, action, pledge and promise caused him to feel, believe, imagine, infer and conclude by both inductive and de- ductive reasoning that he was to ac- quire and attaln exclusive title, owne: ship, mastery and proprietorship of her heart, and that he and he only was to reserve to himself full power, con- tivl, domain and command over the s=!d heart, and that he, and he only, was to be and to be known as the sole and only lord, master, king, floor- walker and malin squeeze of the said Luc He said it was up to Lucille to call all bets off with Rufus Hasson and to in- form him that it would be good for him to open up negotiations in some other clime. He remarked that no gentleman would trespass upon another's pre- serves, especially when “No Hunting” placards in Tiffany settings were shin- ing all over the premises, and that he would take a fall out of the afore-men- tioned Rufus Hasson if he did not show 2 high rate of speed In transferring his affections to some other brain-con- fuser. ‘When Luther eased up to catch a breath of air Lucilie gazed meditatively upon her jeweled hands and said: “My dear, "tis your own fault. In the early part of the going you were winning on the bit. The pace you set was bewitch- ing, fascinating and entrancing. It was faultless in every detail. The presents were coming thick and fast, and it looked as though you could go the full distance without pulling up lame. But no, you couldn’t. You were all in be- fore the heavy going came in sight. ‘While I ltke you, and am grateful to you for the presents., I can never for- give you for the humiliation you have caused me to suffer by playing your hand out so early in the game. I shall always take great pleasure in speaking kindly of you for your goodness in the past, but I opine that I would experi- ence quite some difficulty if I endeav- ored to bask my feathers in the sun- shine of yesterday. So I guess it be- hooves me to play the rest of my hand out with Rufus Hasson.” Moral: You cannot win om & hand that has once been played.