The San Francisco Call. Newspaper, January 3, 1904, Page 12

HE women who has bDeen wooea and won has been to the man in the case a dead easy pm‘pumon, but If he thinks he can manage he: ter on he will ind himself inst a snarl that will perforce that he is still at the foot arten class' of human rer succeeded in manag- an who did not want to be g€ n have served a long all sorts of variety in ute a woman t a descent is being and private rights the husband hirks £ Tc certain cor- ;er k fen t minute the 1 = ns, like the nes her various claws and -daes a lot and sparling on her own ac- somebody gets hurt, N 4 “woman wants to be the one exclusive ts place, occupation And af- she due _the situation. He be as wise and slick and silent a serpent, with something of the Jity, the Horselike sagacity ike purring afféction, if he ¥ rule. Thé minute-he as- bear or the boar role he g self opposed by _ catlike lity and cunning that will more than any strnggle recklessly entered rse, & man always thinks him- self the superior, and the tactful woman wakens him from the pipe while we know the man is for the sake of domestic to let the wife think ntal pendulum swings way e offside when compared with 's tell her that she looks well re a man- should be sure -defense. The man who dear, you look like a full nthemum,” or, “My love, look charming and are the hand- somest woman in the bunch,” or, “My @éar, T do not know any woman who pare with you,” insures a per- en house warming and lays up a cinch when he wants to go duck shopting with the boys. While the man who brutally contemplates his wife's fading charms and sneers, “You get tglier\every day . you live” or, “You wrinkled old crow, do you think 1 em geing to be your eséort?” kindles e few bonfires of wrath which, if they do not scorch him a bit, will emit guch ‘e beastly unpleasant lot of smoke es he ‘will be in no small hurry to escape. There ere women who grow more beautiful in maturity, others become so ugly that they would make good old fashioned cornfield scarecrows, but & man contemplating the awful- ness and thé dire uncertainties of mat- rimony should make up his mind to & mlartyr-llke patience and await time’s development of his spouse. The man who loves beauty In a woman should take an inventory of the family showing of the previous generation. The girl whose mother can ¢ TELL HER SHE 9§ S PRETTY AND W SwEET, EVEN IF YOU DONOT MEAN IT still retains her good looks is apt to inherit the like charm, while the girl whose mother has transformed into an ugly old parchment product is sure to follow in the same wake. In these days when old ladies are decidedly out of reckoning, when dames of 60 wear picture hats and refuse to grow old, the man who wants his wife to be up-to-date should carefully select such a woman as, judging from her mother, will stand the wear and tear of matrimony with the insidious littie tri f time scat- tered along the road. So tell a woman that she is pretty and sweet even if you do not mean it; it may have the pleasing tendency of making her so. Anyhow, it will be less brutal than the truth and she will be more docile under the treatment. If she wants to do anything, if you do not incline the same way, convince her gently and diplomatically that she re- ally does not want anything of the kind. It may take some little lying and astute generalship to accomplish, but a husband who is not a strategist is a dead, rank, blank failure. Never deny her anything. Put her off persuasively if you must, tell her you forgot it, or that the dearest wish of your héart is to go “broke,” bank- rupt or anything on the calamity sched- ule, in gratifying her whims. Never say that you cannot afford it— a woman hates pauperism—but just tell her she will have to walt a little while. Of course she will wait and keep on waiting, but as long as she really believes you she will be more amiable. Always be pleasant, and if you want to swear, why swear at the cther fel- low—it will afford you just as much relief and she will not feel so sore. Of course a gentleman never swears at his wife, but men who think themselves gentlemen forget once in a while. When you come home at night full— of (balloon juice, or) worry or any other old thing, or if your corns have a jumping toothache, don't mind a lit- tle thing like that, but smile (or take a smile) serenely and tell her what a bore it is to have to meet the fellows at the club and absent yourself from home and her. If you say it with the proper emphasis she will really believe you. Always do everything she asks of you, even if it be to saw wood, and the man who won't saw wood for his wife does not deserve her. Be sure to tell her that her hats are prettier and more tasteful than any womarn's you know. The man who praises another woman to his wife is ripe for lunatico' inquirendo proceed- ings, or is a perfect brute. Always concur in whatever she may say or do. It lubricates the wheels of the domestic machinery. The really successful husband, if he has not cultivated tact and a few other virtues, should take a course of instruc- tions. The most successful husband in the world is the really amiable liar. He does not start out to lie, but he finds that it pleases a wife to have her own way always, consequently he gets into the habit of saying nice things rather than ruffle her temper, or hurt ber feel- ings, and there he stays. - Now, every one knows that there are many women whom no man on earth could please; women, who, if they had the whole earth, would cry for half a dozen moons for toy bal- loons, and would even envy Miss Sat- urn of her belts. They were cut on the bias in the beginning, and all the’ pulling and fixing in creation would never jerk them out on a straight, even line. A man must study such a woman. I don’t envy himm his job, vet if he will get married he must bear it llke a little man. Some women are about as com- fortable to live with as would Ye walk- ing on broken bottles. They are dis- pensations of Providence that no one can figure out why they were dispen- sated, unless it be to either make us ripe for heaven, or overripe for the other place. If a man finds himself entangled in that kind of dragnet he should not be blamed if he escapes, if he can, but unfortunately such a woman is generally endowed with a glutinous sort of grim determination that hangs on, no matter how strenu- ously a man may kick. It is your spiteful, jealous, disagree- able woman who will not get rid of a man either to please him or to please herself. She enjoys the misery with such a sense of satisfaction that she - TRAINING A BOY IN THE WAY HE SHOULD GO NCE upon e time there were a couple of lineal descendants of Adam and Eve who had been favored with a sample of hu- m of the male persuasion to which they had attached the al- Juring label' of Alfred, in order that he might live & respectable life and .keep his pame out of the mewspapers. It is @ -well known psychological fact that men ngmed Alfred are seldom dis- covered straying outside the narrow path that ieads to the realms of the happy and generaliy obscure. Ever since the original Alfred was featured on the front page of the Paleolithic Ga- zette as the only trainer of the Great Dane in the business men who wear that name have been compelled to sit up nights to live up to the dignity that history and their parents have dumped on them. This fact is a rear view of the proverb anent the disagreeable ef- fect of attaching & bad name to an otherwise guiltiess canine. The parents.of Alfred were loaded down to the zuards with theories as to the proper way of setting the tender feet of their offspring in the way that it was desired that he should go. Not + Fable for the Foolish e having been allowed to chaperon any children through the ways of sorrow end milk bills before the advent of Alfred, they didn't know how many other fond parents had made the mis- take of concluding that the only thing necessary to set the feet of intelligent human beings on the right road is to point it out to him. If this were all of life it would be so simple a matter that most of the fun would be eliminated. The joy of living in this world comes principally from the opportunities that are given us to prove to our friendly advisers that they don't know what they .are talking about. The simple fact that disagreeable advice turns out to be correct ninety-nine times out of 2 hundred has nothing to do with the case. The pleasure comes from bet- ting that our case is going to be the Hundredth. In order ‘that Alfred might not get mixed on the points of the moral com- pass his parents went into executive session at an early stage and voted unanimously to make a prompt and regular attendance at church twice a — day on Sundays a sine qua nomn, with a little dose of Sunday-school and mid- week prayer-meeting for a diversion. Thus it appears that Alfred was doomed to an early death or a subse- quent hanging from the beginning of his life. Statistics show that at'least ninety per cent of the murderers of this country, Including Brooklyn and Pittsburg, were sent to church regu- larly in their early youth. Another idea that they evolved out of their subliminal consclousness, wherever that is, was that the boy who was always well dressed was immune from a great many different kinds of sin to which the more shabby portions of the community were subject. The logical conclusion from this sort of rea- soning would make the dressmaker and the tailor more potent forces in the purifying and uplifting of mankind at large—and keeping it at large—than all the preachers from the first Elijah to the late John Alexander. However, reason has very little to do with the training of one's own children; men and women who could do wonders with the lawless offspring of other people if they could only get a whack at them fall down flat when it comes to con- trolling their own infant industries. takes good care that no one around her shall escape the overweening hap- piness she finds in misery. Of course, the man blessed with such a blessing thinks it his inalien- able right to manage her, but I re- peat that a man who undertakes to manage a woman who does not want to be managed is about as reckless as the fellow who sits on a keg of dyna- mite and smokes a pipe. Maybe he thinks there will be no explosion, but the chances are that he will be blown into such smithereens that there will not be enough of him left to do duty as a respectable corpse. Therefore, the proud parents who were responsible for Alfred's presence in the world were not bothered with logical conclusions in the handling of their particular entry and decked him out In s Lord Fauntleroy suit that was cal- culated to embitter permanently the heart of any right-minded child. Another theory to which they clung with a pertinacity worthy of a better cause—or boy—was that no "f“;n; spect! parents can be too careful of the ohl;l.dren with whom their contribu- tion to the sum total of human suffer- ing associates. No vulgar street gam- ins for their Alfred; he might fore- gather only with the representatives of families of cuiture and incomes similar to their own. Nor must he be allowed UW“A-‘.R':‘\'AN WOULD 'NDE. AKE TO MaAn TS NAGE to penetrate thax favorite stamping ground of the great unwashed Ameri- can democracy, the pride of our states- men, and the subject on which our orators shout themselves hoarse when- ever they run out of other subjects— the public school. Alfred could go only to the most select institution, patron- ized by the very best people, at so much per patronize. Measured by the price, their idea was a good one, but, alas! the things that cost the most are not always the most worth having. The only exception to the above rule is in the case of experience; the more that costs the more valuable it is, and it's about the only valuable that all faen can afford. But we must return to Alfred before he grows up and leaves us. At 10 years of age he held the record as all around model child of the block and was the special detestation of all the other kids for, a radlus of a half a mile around. He was unable to walk abroad dur- ing the snowball season without a po- lice escort, and even brickbats were sometimes drawn to him in a most un- accountable manuer. In fact, he could glve the late John Philip Orpheus points as ‘he great human magnet. He represented the family at church and Sunday school regularly and his high, pale intellectual brow was one of the principal sights of interest in Dr. Cram- men’s select shop for the manicuring of the youthful mind. From this time on, however, a change comes over the fond but foolish dream of Alfred’s parents. In spite of the many pious Injunctions that he had received not to associate with any chil- dren whose fathers did not have Er?- comes of at least five figures and cul- ture on draft in proportiof, dread ru- mors began to come to their ears from who had heard other people say ?::Elemev had seen the little Alfred, he of the glassy fashion and the moldy form, playing in the street with vulgar children whose immediate ancestors were probably in trade or jayj or some- thing equally lacking in gemtility. He began to rebel also at the Lor@ Fauntle- roy outfit in which they persisted 1‘n confining him; a pair of, blue overalls and a calico shirt were mors in keep- ing with his frame of mind. It was even rumored that he had played hookey from school to go In swimming off the dock and when he came home from Sunday school with his lace collar looking as though he had bought it at a bargain counter their hearts wers ss filled with woe. m:?]::(!_em desperation, they sent him to a boarding-school for boys, where he would be spared any contact with the hoi pollol or anything that looked Mke it. This was the finish of Alfred. The first vacation that found him again in the home of his fathers, likewise his mothers, demonstrated to his loving parents that they had put their money on the wrong horse, or else the race was being pulled In a most distressing manner. His fingers were stained to a beautiful brown with difficult experi- ments in the chemical laboratory, ha {informed his parents; and what he ‘didn’t know about the wickedness of .this world wasn’t taught at the school that he attended. However, they held son yet a little longer in the hope that there might be a reversion of form. They even sent him to college that he might be separated from some of his most painful habits, but all In vain The last that was heard of the sainted ‘Alfred was on the occasion of his being united in the holy bonds of matrimony to an accomplished young lady who presided over the cashier's desk In a lunch room next door to the institution of polite learning where Alfred was sojourning for the time being. It Is sumored that he is now the general ‘manager of the information bureau at ,the rallroad station in the same place— ja position for which his peculiar train- ing and left-footed education fit him admirably. ! There Is a general consensus of opin- fon among the observers of Alfred's ca- reer that those who desire to start a ‘boy in the way he should go will do ‘well to conceal their Intentions from the boy; also that it Is not always wise to pick the smoothest roads. (Copyright, 1903, by Albert Britt.) Brass Buttons at the | White House | — The social alds for the winter at the ‘White House are greatly prized, the wark {nvolved being nothing more than to help the President in the business of entertaining the publia. The origin of the custom of assign- ing officers to duty of this kind at the ‘White House is somewhat obscurs, but nothing, obviously, could bs more prop- er than that the Prestdent, as com- mander in chief of the national forves, should be helped at the public recep- tions and on other important eccasions by military aids. . Two officers of the Marine Corps have been selected as alds at the exscutive mansion for the social season—Major Charles McCawley and Captala Henry M. Leonard. Both are Washington men. The former has been conspieucus in the soclety of the capital for more than & dozen years, and during the Santlago campaign in Cuba proved himself a brave and capable soldier. He is hand- some and accomplished. very popular and an athlete. If it be added that he 1s one of the best dressed men in Wash- ington his description will be fairly complets. Captain “Harry” Leonard has like- wise beheld the front of war, and In its sternest aspects. He took active part before he was twenty-five years of age in three wars—in Cuba, in the Philip- pines and in China. During the Tien- tsin campaign he risked his life by go- ing to the rescue of a wounded com- rade, carrying him to safety on his back across a fire swept fleld, and list his left arm as a penalty for his achlevement. If he had been an Eng- lishman the Victoria Cross, prized be- yond all other decorations of the sol- dier, would have been bestowed upon him. The other officers as social aids at the ‘White House are Captain Thomas Jef- ferson Lewis of the Second Cavalry: Lieutenant Grenville Roland Fortescue, of the Fourth Cavalry; Lieutenant Clarence O. Sherrill, of the Engineers, and Lieutenant Ernest D. Peek, of the Engineers. Lieutenant Fortescue, it might be mentioned, is a cousin of the President, and much liked by the Roosevelt family.. There was a time when one or twe military aids at the White House were all that were required. But nowadays it is different. The social business of the President has grown enormously, and more people are needed to transact it. At public receptions somebody must introduce the people to Mr. Roosevelt, and that duty absorbs the attention of Colonel Symons, but the efforts of a number of subordinate officers are suit- ably and .sefully employed in keeping in order the line of oncoming and Im- patient guests. However, a very im- portant part of their work is to lend, with their gold-laced uniforms, decora- tive effect to what would be called on the stage the mis-en-scene. But, as a matter of course, the White , House aids are supposed to be avail- able for any kind of social duty. As an almost invariable rule they are bach- elors, and In that capacity are usefu! as squires of dames. Whenever young men are wanted as dinner partners for young lady guests they are always at hand. It is impossible for them to get away. As a matter of military disci- pline they must be ready to break bread gracefully, utter agreeable flat- teries, and even dance like the prover- bial moonbeam on a frogpond, it there be demand for such terpsichorean ex- ercise.