The San Francisco Call. Newspaper, December 6, 1903, Page 13

THE SUNDAY CALL. 13 always sympath e busi owie should go out o spank $50,000,000 out of New York, but New York had too much Poor 'Lije! his whiskers were the only thing great about When a man takes idal intent Some men die young, some get married and some run for office. Mgk Politeness is the art of b New York politicians thought they had the Tammany tiger and chewed off hi at the same old stand with the same ol . - bave got to heaven on schedule time . Discretion is the better part of saying t * Some people go through life as if walking in sleep. R Some people blame fate because opportunity does not walk around with clephone and a megaphone attachment. R Standing on ceremony is sometimes like standing on a headless barrel. r more worids over wh ilatioll. A gible fraction b ty to do their own tax dodging. Another objection that these absurd people | made to Mrs. Upandatit was that she had never been inoculated with the | move where the bot - - a girl really jumped at a proposal wouldn't that be a silly thing to do? . Dowie proved that Chicago is still a thousand miles beyond New ¥ always looks so smiling. wh s own hanging bee t 1 is always proud of her age before she is 20 and after she is 6o. . = e e with the dog which has to take care of the woman ess end of a string hat ses for a wife the woman generally pays dear for the Devery of New York says that the “men who wear silk stock- have corns on t s he kindergarten purveyors of great expectations. dropped overboa however, before Mrs. Up: d it borne in upon I him, as our French friends would say, to get o at would give the speaking member of e was aweary of the dreary social ro hort of being the who been obliging en e in some of the battles w ton brand of culturine vi a mean and for that reason 2 model of prompt and unques obedience, her husband cast his e search of some bourne where gr wn; some pl are at rest here diplomas cease from troubling and | The locality that seemed to him to about fill the bill was a {2354 ! | | came about that the island that is situated as aforesaid and Mrs. Upandatit her career of social illumination off 2 soc ety - - . . . e a groom looks like the star per- prophet business. He prophesied that he oL # a dog show in New York and the Yogs are win- rals The Kitty takes a back seat. fatal dose of matr mony it is not always with sui- . . . & agreeable to disagreeable people. . - . e from the face of 1is doing business ped the s ut Tige' jous tumble. * t a pretty woman is not will give even herself away RS e his daughter, but the position who s her and to work for it dressing. is never go A woman, never good when too far as she was concerned have been carted out into hing cast the protecting i benevolent tfle more elbow room of Lonesome and besides | jion that she was some- e show for the reason that her great grandiather to get himself turned our forefathers demonstrated their abil- he firm a By | 1to an imitation of a | Nicholas us. Therefore, said Mrs. Amelia, it is our Nemo ionable s cautiously around the horizon in | ndfathers don't count and culture is un- ancestors ge that lies between the Hudson River and Long Island Sound, ndaries of the United St ates Steel Corporation-and the Ship- | ndatit had a few trusts concealed about his he co being held up | get past the corner of could make good on a lit- the course of time the Ubpandatits were | Her ideas of the netion were of the Lonesomeville variety, where all that 2 woman who wanted to give the social mill a twist or two had to do was to throw a shawl over her head and drop into a few back doors to break the news. Now back doors are scarce in the metropolis and Mrs. Amelia was soon up against the fact that the unfortunate indi- vidual who attempted to butt in without having been properly accredited to the powers that are most of the time would get a reception that would make a refrigerator look like a kitchen range in full blast. As a result of this slight oversight on her part, Mrs. Amelia’s first ef- fort was attended by pretty much everything except the guests that she most wanted and success. Her experience in this round taught her that she was away behind in the latest methods of getting her name at the top of the column of society notes. Being not devoid of guile and realizing that het Rome nor Newport was built in a day she determined to put her- ° in training for the next event. The retired society leader whom she called in to coach her on the latest rules for infighting and breaking away among the “best people” told her that the sine qua non was to get herself talked about. As an opening lead she suggested a divorce snit. When : Upandatit broached the subject to Mr. U. she was surprised to find that he had conscientious scruples tucked away in some out-of-the-way corner of his soul, and besides he was too busy to be hothered with trifles just then. The cruelty of modern hushands is bavond belief. When she failed to move her incumbrance to a sense of his Christian duty in the case, Mrs. Upandatit fet for 2 few days that her name was really Upagainstit. More than ever she realized that eternal climbing is the price of getting one’s name in the lis* of those present. But her trainer bade her be of good cheer, the experience of said trainer having taught her that a fight is never over till the count is finished. As a substitute for a divorce suit she advised Mrs, Upandatit to try a Newport cottage and a steam yacht; to be sure there is nothing particularly original in either of these methods of treating snobbitis, but they are standard remedies that are guaranteed to cure all but the most stubborn cases. and Mrs. Amelia found that they would do all that was récommended for them . For a long time she congratulated herself that she had the upper crust rolled out thin with her initials stamped on it in big letters. Even a com- mon, ordinary cotillionfest was good for a column any day in the week, and her masked ball a la simian kept the society reporters busy far at least three days. Her rivals were on the keen iump to stay in sight of her. but most of them had to wear thick veils to keen her dust out of their eyes at that, -« RITTY | + h‘ - - L A man with no conscience llwlys.find!.it dead easy. . religion. broke-r, & s ® heavily insured. Accidents may h:pp:n. . People who are always lamenting the passage of th would use some very bad language if they still had to old stage coach. e phone won't work., -y TR a panic if the telegraph wires are down. n g™ People who are always condemning modern the fellow who tells them that “the elevator ain’t r 2 - Men who rail at the danger of a over the reports. otball game a & o 2l time when the box office opens. ly is. really i > s = shocked at the news ‘stand for the latest & Women who are so dread sprain their ankles rushing t One swallow does not make a cocktail or a highball . wide and warranted not to shrink ML Birds of a feather! But, gracious. that makes me A stitch in time! The possibi sider. . . . Never kick a man when he’s down. W great. are g o " Those who would climb life’s ladder m they are light encugh to go up on the bus: T t begin at ess end of a their shoulder blades to keep the wings from spro B e tle fuzz on his lip A callow ¥ man. . e i Live and let live, but rake in the sh old thing. . . - Maudlin sentiment is o . Your best friends are often you The financier is the fellow who wants to.gzther in all the fin . Never tell a2 woman that you like to hear her talk w People seldom reform until they are too poor to do any . s “good old tim: mber al People who are always lauding the “good old times” People who are always regretting the “good old times” are thrown de feel like kil Men who are always sneering at those who fail to take ‘P‘(:'t::e over with “cuss” words if they run up against a street car blockade g g the fir They only want to see how dreadf latest s with only a feather! It's almost indecent; the horrid thin . - - e're all human Some people think themselves so close to the angels A woman never thinks any girl good enough for her son and will not leave a girl a shred of reputation who makes goo-goo eyes at mamma's dar- Some people are so anxious to take all they can get that they even get e here. The broker is the fellow who .takes good care that the other fellow is The real estate man makes sure that he acquires the real estate. S W TR ess your life is hing else. swear if bhle to be crazy People who criticize most unsparingly the modern drama are always on "t ciety scandal Circus lemonade is downright unfeeling when one has a thirst a yard ies and probabilities—too awful to con- and temptations that they shave full-grown libraries or any he Lord T_F—'able for the Foolish - for g extensive der Ver: two weeks in America colle “Things That Never Happen got together a swell hando h that equal to the best iree lunch in the old country. When heavyweights heard of the Count’s warm praise tl envy that the whole town native sod. The casual observer might conclude Upandatit was fied in thin both feet and room to spare, but the ev course of her excursions into the best luminary was frequently st largely on her visiting age informed her that the: were of the opinion that they had been s ment of the universe, and were henceforth quiet and ruminate on their exa ted and un formed Mrs, Upandatit that they w ne: ciety, but that an i more to be desired than a full column on Whirled or'a place in the front rank of th | . This kind of talk was calculated to m her brown study, which she kept swept a but for the first time in her life she fail for the conquest of the new field top round of the laddcr:_she d scov 1t cape and that the real thing wasn’t even of the story is very brief, but extreme pened to run against one of these sa of the woman's committee for the prov Cannibal Islanders. Mrs. Realthing h before 2nd got it wrong four times in Mrs, Upandatit; she returned home and mortification of the egomaniac nerve, C Her sad fate teaches us the useful lesson altitudes is extremely rar fied. and that the reason room at the top is that there are so few people arrived put in most of their time holding r{Ir*-\'". (Copyright, 1903, by Albert #Mrs. Ame- el lia’s Ambi- tion Was to hen she con were the descend Do a Back Somersault anderbilk’s ke Mfs. Upan aired f | | From the | Top Round | of the Social [ 1 Ladder.” \ | + just casior right kind of a plan she stood on the -+ and Mr. Upandatit was working night and day to keep the visible supply of dust up to the legal requirement. When the Count von Wurzberger spent new book on Upandatit y turned so greem with looked like a St. Patrick’s day parade om its indications th last arrived In to remain e also in- prominent in so- night tea in their back parlor was of the Daily casions ch o there, and the ones who have 2 * TALE OF THE MAN WHO GOT — Once upon a time there was a foxy old geezer of the name of Barring- n Blackstone Bellows. rrington a criminal lawyer, and a wonder in his line. He was on 2ll the fine points of his business, had the penal code down pat and was giited with a line of talk that was always good for an acquittal on the first Such little things as the evidence and the Judge’s charge amounted to 8 a jury that had heard Barrington tell his side of the storv. t he stood up in front of the box, looked appealingly into the n good and true, shed a quart of tears and pointed his the grief-stricken wife of the accused, the jury was with was about all there was to it. ce high with porch-climbers and all-around crooks, nction of having saved more men from rock pile and the clergy. that Barrington had been busy before the bar for some d years; he had not been able to run up a stack of blues, for the rea- henever his cl were caught with the goods they were relieved f Barrington arrived, Then, too, Barrington’s wife was an and always went through his clothes in the morning before 1D. it came to pass that a municipal election had to be pulled off, so the n clothes men passed out the tip to the grafters to ease up a bit until the votes were cast N lly this put quite a crimp in Barrington’s business and set him h the landlord and the grocer. Fact is, it put him on his uppers, had no working capital. the votes were counted and it was found that the reform ticket came in second, word was passed down the line to go ahead, and business at once picked up with Barrington. The first case in which he was retained was that of one Muggy Mulligan, alias Squint-Eye the Brute. Mbggsy was pinched on the charge of having removed from the person of another one sparkler and three steel engravings done by Uncle Sam, having a face value ofpone hundred dollars each, Not less than seven persons whose veracity could not be questioned had seen Muggsy turn the trick, and it looked like a cinch that he would have to do a bit. the f In Response to Barrington’s “Uome In,” a Swaggerishly Attired Damsel With Downcast Eyes and Open-Work Stockings Entered. OUT OF A HOLE AND FELL BACHK AGAIN 0 @ When Barrington was called in he guaranteed to save Muggsy the trou- ble of doing time for the sum of three hundred dollars. Barrington hao- pened to need just about that amount of money. but for some re other did not seem desirous of possessing a diamond. 2 ‘When the case came up for trial the eye-witnesses told exactly job was done, and then Barrington got busy. ; ; It took him just two hours to convince the jury that his client was inno- cent, and as usual there was an acquittal the first dash out of the box After thanking the jury and receiving the congratulations Muggsy paid Barrington three one hundred dollar bills for his ser : hen Barrington returned to his office he shut himse i consul- tation room and heaved a sigh of relief. He was out of the and heart was glad. He footed up his outstanding tabs and found that they came to two hundred and sixtv simoleons flat. He was strong enough to take them up and still be forty to the good. 3 Contentment settled down upon his pallid dome, and he felt that joy which comes to a2 man when he breaks even on the consolation iackpot. He fingered his roll with a satisfied unction and pictured the obsequious delight with which his tab-holders would write ‘“received payment” over their autograph before the sun could set. It was at this moment that a knock came at the door and a delicate fragrance began to elbow itseli through the clouds of smoke that sprung from his Colorado Madura. > In response to Barrington’s “Come in,” a swaggerly attired damsel with downcast eyes and openwork stockings entered. Aiter much swishing of skirts and coquettish display of lingerie, she amnounced that she was sup rting a widowed mother and an invafld brother by selling “The History « ur New Possessions.” a magnificent work in fiity volumes, full morocco binding, at $250. Terms, cash with order. Barrington cared nothing whatever for history and a derned sight less for our new possessions. But when the dainty little creature gzave him one of her most lingéring looks and said that she would accept his invitation to dinner if he would promise upon his word not to keep her out too late. he changed his mind and gave his order. They dined that evening. and when Barrington took an inventory oi his wad he found that he was ten bones strong. b on or ends Moral: The sight of skirts can make any man forget his debts. Copyright, 1903, by Steve Flyd, N, Y- #“They Dined That Evening and When Barrington Took an Inventory of His Wad He Found H: Was