The San Francisco Call. Newspaper, June 23, 1901, Page 9

THE SUNDAY CALL. TAE BEHOLDERS ARE AHORRIFIED; SHOKED strong desire to ad- oth the a repe- etc., ad similar comment tering of co shment is a relic ther should be “corporal rism en herself.” more to the same effect goes the ev beholder, efther of the lenfent mother, who tries-to - - b for the benefit of the - peace, er she who chastises it pub- 1 the edification of the crowd, for every wit- g and concilia- A pugilistic ad- or she—usually mother cards ve her poin to her in the rearing of her degenerate a2 child is always un- d considerate. s not care for o e ¢ adventure; it UTTERANCE AT THE VULGARITY OF THE MOTHER,—— BEVYOND wants, like little Eva,.to hear some one talk of the angels and speculate pathe ically on the nearness of its own adv to that throng. The theoretical child is always happy and has a wonderful faculty for its clothes clean and beautiful, tle Lord Fauntleroy theoretical child was never guilty of solling, the walls or drawing pictures thereon to prove its budding genius. Tt would confiie its drawing, arabesques conventional designs to paper, and them for interior decoration e. 80 that and use cor to the landlord and the family receive notice to please vacate the flat. oretical children are really comforting, and whereas they may t be so tangible for caressing and lov- purposes, like Imaginary husbands, are more dutiful than the genuine e has ever proven to be, theoretical children are never ving spells; are never will- never quarrelsome, and never, of, never, mischievous, and the single woman with her imaginary children and her model husband is a being whose elusive happiness is not wholly to be scorned. The woman whose child is a theoretical one finds, when it blossoms to a real one, that she has reckoned without her host. Baby comes. His advent is hailed with delight. He early develops a mind of his own, a will of his own, and shows earnest- ness and persistency in developing lungs of his own. Papa thinks that he is just mean. Mamma thinks he has the colic. Papa thinks his colic days are over; that he s spoiled, and that it is time to com- mence letting him learn that the minute he cries he is not to he taken from his cradle and walked and soothed. Papa, having done most of the perambulating, has come to the conclusion that pedestri- anism on his part is conducive toward de- of e janitor would™ | | | generacy on the part of the child, and so states his decision in emphatic terms. Mamm: indignant She calls the pava cruel sh. She heroically walks herself; she calls it pet names:; contempt at papa Baby's sobs grow les mamm slumber: baby's and the baby she looks sel and less thrilling; othes him finally to peaceful e looks triumphantly at papa and lays the baby down gentiyain the cradle. She-is very careful, “but the.slightest < move from the regular motion to which baby has gTOWD accustomed jars upon his sensibllities; he parts his lips, strikes the keynote, puts his foot on the loud pedal and tesumes bisiness at the old stand. The cvening’s entertainment s on in full blast. Papa is at first tickled—human na- ture—finally in pity he offers to relieve mamma, which offer ls‘readlly accepted, Mamma's indignation has disappeared. She is quite doclle; she passes the young hopeful over to papa and goes to bed, aft- er giving orders for the night's proceed- ings. Papa starts out in undress parade; he ©00s to baby; he callg it papa’s dear, and mamma sinks to peaceful slumber, " The procession still moves. Several times papa tries baby in the cradle and .each time baby shows resentment. Final- 1¥ he is slapped into the cradle. Papa has reached that stage when he thinks that patience has ceased to be a virtme. Baby howls; papa glares at Mim and says things ‘“‘unfit for publication.” Mamma upbraids papa, who gets to bed, and baby, after a leng crying spell, unnoticed by either pa- rent, falls sobbing to sleep. : This entertainment occurs at intervals; sometimes baby is rocked to peaceful slumbers and para and mamma get to bed between 12 and 1. but alw the doubt arises to whether baby really has colle or is stmply spoiled. and as there 1s no positive way of proving it baby has what might be called the “inside track,” and from infancy on proceeds to break one after another of mamma’s theories. If mamma can be firm. g0 can baby. He can go her one better and be stubborn. Who ever saw a married couple that each did not think the other stubborn, or et least contrary? Wife and husband al- ways think the fault lies on the opposite side of the fence. Baby, apparently try- ing not to be in any way partial, evident- Iy thinks they are both very firm, there- fore it must be an admirable and family trait which he has inherited and is justly entitled to. PBaby uses it on every and all occasions, If mamma Is firm in her assertion that baby handle boaks, toilet articles, etc., baby is convinced that mamma is mistaken in this instance, and sqq he goes his own sweet little way, trying to demonstrate to mamma that he is just like papa, and meanwlhiile he is proving to papa that e is just like mamma. And so baby's training, goes on. He Is not such an exemplary child as he was before he was born, and mamma owns o herself that she is not so patient as she thought she was. o« Baby is surely very trying. Mamma triss so hard to teach little Johnny to eat like a nice little boy, but he has a tendency toward trying to prove the Darwin theory by relapses into bar- barism. He insists on eating with his fingers, cramming his mouth and smearing the surplus over the outside. . Finally Johnny has a little sister, who, profiting by his edample, experiments with the family trait of firmness. She has straight hair, painfully straight, too; rot curly like Johnny's—and mamma wonders why things are so perverse. Why should the boy have curls and dim- pleg and the sirl be denfed them? Little Marguerite's failings are not just the same as Johnny's. She has some of her own patented; she may not be quits so mischiévous as.her brother, but she is fully as willful, and she develops an in- clinatfon to be impertinent and give cute, pert answers., which, although very amus- ing at first, soon lcsg their piquancy. Papa and mamma begin to think that they have the worst children in the world, No. 3 arrives! Mamma is quite worn out, No. 3 is a pogket edftion of Johnny—only a little more so, and when Marguerite reaches the mature age of four years she has a little sister. and mamma grap- ples faintly and weakly at straws for support. ach child has the family trait of firmness. Each has his or her ‘own opinion and has the courage of his or her conviction to back it. § Mamma and papa, after many squabbles over the children, conclude that they must bear it as patiently as they can, 111 DOt Lough ARgrbTICcash I AC8r #aNthey really begin to appreciats each other through. pity and sympathy. HE DID A LITTLE GAMBLING OVER THE TELEPHONE “Did you ever hear of gambling by tele- phone?” asked a sporting man at an up- town hotel the other night. “The inven- tor so far as I know was a German com- edian who may be called Dick. “About ix months ago Dick was acting in Roch- ester. He is fend of gambling and his favorite pastime is faro. One night after the show he asked a friend if there were any games open In the town. The ‘riend declared that every game was closed as far as he knew. Then Dick, turning to one of his companions, said: *“‘Jack, 1 feel lucky to-night and I'd like to get a bet down some way or other. This town is slow, and without some ex- citement life is not worth livinz. I want to play faro’ ** ‘But what are you going'to do? asked his friend. ‘All the joints are closed and I don’t know of any place where we could invest any mi 3 “Dick pondered a moment. Abruptly as if struck by an idea he said: ‘I've got it, Jack. I'm going to bet if T have to lose a leg doing so.’ “Jack was puzzled but sald nothing. **Where is the telephcne? sald Dick excitedly. ‘I'm going o 'phone to a New O York house where a game is In session at this very moment.’ “Eaying this he left the room and went to’'the 'phone. The instrument was of the automatic kind and first dropping $1 75 in the slot Dick called up a well known New York gambling house, In a few nin- ules Dick got a reply. Then the follo ing conversation took place: ‘f ‘Dick—Is this Mr. Blank?" “ *Voice—No, it's the colored s‘eward.’ * ‘Dick—Call Mr. Blank. Tell him' I'm Dick —, and that T want to talk to him.’ “In a few seconds Mr. Blank came to the *phone and Dick continued: “How d've do, My. Blank? This is Dick——. I'm in Rochester. Is there a game going on to night ““Voice—Yes.' “‘Dick—Well as soon as you vome to the last turn let me know.’ “Dick when in New York always pat- ronized the game and was considered a good customer and could always have a marker for any amount. *‘Mr. Blank—The last turn is now on. I've told-the dealer to wait for you.' ‘Dick—What Is it ‘Mr. Blank—The nine, the trey, and the six.’ Dick—Place $50 for me on the trey to win: $0 on the nine coppered; $i on the high card and $0 to call the turn.’ “Dick wdlted patlently and in a Jiffy Mr. Blank gaid: ‘Dick, you're a iucky dog. You've won every bet and T owe you Then he rang off. “The comedian was all smiles when he returned to his friends. He told his friends what he had done and it was hard to make them believe what he said was the truth. When he came to New York again he convinced them that he was not joshing and treated all hands to sev eral quart bottles. When Dick called at the gambling house the proprietor handed him $230 in bills and, of course, Dick blew again. “Dick says that the experience of gambling by wire. is a novel 6ne, but thinks the scheme rather precarious. It convinced him of one thing and that was that there are some honest gamblers in this world. Suppose Mr. Blank had told him he had lost? He had nothing but Blank’'s word for it and would, of course, have had to make good. But Dick won on the level and got all that was coming to him."—New York Sun. . 4 The Women's Conz: - COSTELLO- ETT IN UNDR Mamma feels that she is somewhat of a faflure in the training line. Papa acknowledges a like weakness, But they decide to struggle bravely on together and do their very best. s meets. Mammu notices papers are to be read on the training of children « She is wi g, nay, anxious to learn: her pride is laid in the dust; her theoretical children have dicd natural deaths and are burjed 'neath flowers Jong'since withered. [But the practical side. the animated ac- tion, perpetual little Keely motor ma- chines, are painfully in evidence, She goes to the Women's Congress. Here she will hear some learned and ex- | perienced woman discourse gn the train- | Ing of children. Here will be given her a compass by which to steer. She glances at her programme. Miss nowitall on “The Training of Children.”” Mis she gasps. She listens to the long and tedious (to her) paper on the tralning of children. This is of course theoretical: and all the spinster says rolls off the mother like wa- ter off a duck’s back. She, too, once theorized the same way. She loo! at the programme again and her face beams. “Mrs. Elizabeth All- things—“The Traiming and Culture of Young Children.” Hete she will at feast get the practical side of it. Mrs. Alithings commences. She wades through a labyrinth of pre. iminaries and ally gets down to bed rock, but the expectant-mother feels as STARTS OUT S¢55] PARADES — | AT sl though this was theorizing too: lacks the ring of the geriuine article; that “gen- tlenese, yet firm s her of her visionary youth, but she listens with in- terest This ought to be practical, not bogus theory. This woman talks as if she knew where- of she spoke; her faith I Is not of the shakable kind. By the time she finishes the children have been taken thre “middle ages” to youth, and are the pride and joy of their parents. After the congress adjou of Jobnny and Ma rife and the little works her way through the crowd to Mrs. Allthings, who looks to be on the shady side of forty, whereas the anxious mother is only thirty, therefore not so ex- perienced. She says, “Excuse me, but how many chiliren have you? I suppose that the eldest must be grown up and a great com- Tt to you?” Mrs. Alithings blushes; several of the delegates smile; but the anxlous mother is not to be thus easily pushed away from tasting of the tree of Knowledge, so she in her plans 1gh the , the mother ones, repeats her question, slightly changed; and presses her point, and Mrs, Allthings replies “I—I—have never had any children; but & know, if I had, they would have brought up according to my theories.” And the mother of four young incorrigi+ bles goes home to meditate on her train- eens ¥ ing and wonder if her children aren’t just the same as all others, and to tell their papa the joke. For after all, the only ones who really know how to train chil- dren are the women who never have any, THE MOUSE AND THE PIG. o7® MOUSE and A Fat Pig weat on a long jou “Stick Close id the Pig. I ney. Me, Little I am Large and e SR ok TRE. TRAVELERS. Fat and my Voice Soundeth Tarrible. None will dare to Tackle Me!” So they traveled together a Long Way and saw many Strange Sights. The Fat Pig Grunted Unceasingly and was Very Brave. And it came to Pass that as they Journeyed through a Great Wood a band of Robber Wolves, hearing ths Pig’s Grunts, came forth from the Brambles and set upon the Travelers. Then did the Fat Pig lift up his Voice and Squfeal Mightily. “Let us Fly!” exclaimed the Young Wolves. “Didst ever hear such a Terrible Voice?” and they were sore afraid. said the Old Wolves. “The voice soundeth terrible, but it is the Voice of a Pig. Come, let us Eat Him!"” ¢ Then they fell upon the Shoat and Chewed off his Ears and swallowed his Hams' and rent his Spare Ribs asunder and ate up the Poor Pig, Body and Soul. Yea, verily, there was naught left of him but his squeal. fi Then the Robber Wolves departed, lcoking for more Pig. And the Mouse had hidden in a Crawfish Hole and Was Quite Safe. “I bless Providence!” quoth he, “that created me with a Small Body and a Meek Voice”; and he crawled forth and went his way Rejoicing. Moral: The insignificant Man often misses Much Trouble through being Insignificant. Second Jolt: A LaYge Voice is not always Scareful when Backed ' by nothing but Pork. The Theme: If you Must travel with a Big Man, first assure yourself that he hath Other Qualities than Much Fat ahd a Loud Squeal l ! (Ccpyright, 1901, by A. J. Moore.) - =3 | MR, A ESOP’S FABLES UP TO. DATE. - TRE OLD HORSE BUZZARD sat upon the Fence “ % waiting for an Old Horse to Die. Now it was So that the Old Horss had been’ Sick ‘for Many Days and he looked like Bad Weath- er. Yea, h» was bony and thin and there was no Spring in his Old Joint=, Yet weuld the Old Horse not Lie Down and Quit. “0 Friend,” quoth the Buzzard one day, “wherefore dost thou not act decently and Pass Out? Behold, I too am becoming Very Skinny waiting for thee to Croak!” and the Poor Buz- zard rolled his Eyes Hungrily. “Be not a Fool, Friend Buzzard,” returned the Old Horse. “Sit not down to wait for Death, else wilt thou die First! Hustle thou and Dig Up Fresh Meat that walketh not about and Eateth Thistles,” “Not s2!” answered the Buzzard. “I have had my Eye upon thee for lo! these Many Moons, and of a ver- ity I shall do no work, for by Castor and Jing! thou art My Meat!” So the Buzzard went on waiting— but th® Old Horse Died Not. 5 At last the Old Horse was Struck L NSNS 7 Y v ) O FRIEND. QUOTH E BUZZARD, WAERE- FORE DUST THOU NOT PASS OUT?" 4 KA AND | THE BUZZARD. by Lightning and Killed, and on the same day the Buzzard fell off the fence with Weakness, for he was near Starving. “At last!” croaked the Buzzard, feebly, and he Wabbled Over and perched upon the Carcass of the Old Horse. “Now for a Square Meal!” But it was so that when he made to Eat there was Naught There but a Dried Skin and Bone. “Alas!” sighed the Poor Buzzard, “I waited and starved for This— which after all turneth out to be naught but a meal of Bones and Sols Leather!” and he tumbled over and Died Also. Moral: Wait not upon Death for a Fortune. A Dollar a Day dug Up by thyself is worth Ten Times the Leg- acy of Death, Another Moral: Invest No Money insuring the life of a Skinny Man; the Runt and the Crippled Chicken cutlive all others in the Farmyard. Last Bunch: If thou ever wish for Rich Relatives, better keep on and wish while thou art about it that they be all Short Lived. » . A —5 THE FOX AND THE STORK. HE Sly Fox gave a Siwell Spread and invited the Stork to be the Guest of Honor. And the Soup was served in Dishes, wherefore the Stork, having a Long Bill, was unable to Partake, but the Sly Fox lapped his portion and had a Lovely Time. And the Stork went away Very Hungry and saying within Himself: “Lo! by Hercules and Gosh! but I will Play Even!” for he was_ very ‘Wroth and his Stomach Hurt Him. Then the Stork gave a Spread and Invited the Sly Fox. And it came to Pass that when they were seated, behold! the Soup was served in bottles. “By my ;Father’s Pin-Feathers!” chuckled the Stork, ‘now have I placed the Royal Kibosh upon mina Inhogpitable Friend!” and he inserted his Long Bill into his bottle and Drank Soup. Now it was So that this Fox was a Twentieth Century Gazabe and Dead Wise. “Ah!” said he, “how Convenient! Thou, O Friend Stork, puttest thy mouth in the bottle, but lo! I go thee one better, for I wot of a better Graft!” and he put the Bottle in his mouth—and the Stork Fainted. Moral: Aesop was an amusing Guy, but of a Truth he knew not how to drink from a Jug. Second Moral: When thou gettest the worst of a deal do not roar. Thine adversary is richer by a few Plunks, but thou art also richer by Experi- ence. It is an Even Break, wherefors. . do thou let it go at that. And Verily: Try no Stunts on & Professional Grafter. W2/ /, HIZ & :j’l} 2 WYL, 2 3 3 = “AAASAID THE FOX,"MOW CONVENIE