The San Francisco Call. Newspaper, June 2, 1901, Page 7

!-tn, M AL £2 s n left 1 started out West > reached Denver his home s comfortable ““go broke,” t, all places poor chap who goes wn the streets with sciousness that an aching ¥ his trousers the reassuring » ckskin that pulled b w good old suggestion of Hoon - zed that he w Deénver is not Californi d wind of the Rocky tself to the shivering t extent It has o. Hoon both h rate, and cold and to trans- dropped otist was room held mth and for out- and the oldest inhabitant was .eing kept busy relatinz the fact that nothing like it Lad been known ce the cold snap of vmpty-one. Hoon accented the words of the oldest inhabitant as gospel truth. He to swear to the statement and that the lecture platform the hy Up on notist was engaged In putting peonle t& slcep. He also paid them money for al- lowing him to do so. “This is right in my line,” tought Hoon. To be put to sleep was good enough, for he had had no sleep for me time, but to be paid for it was some- thing almost too good to be true. He ap- plied for a job and was accevted. Hoon proved a good subject. Only a few passes and he fell asleep dreaming of fried chicken and the old fireplace back in the Ohio homestead. This was the begiuning of an engage- ment lasting for several days. Hoon was the star attraction of the professor's show. He would b2 put into a trance and hauled about over town and exhibited like a choice bit of statuary. In the even- ing he would go to sleep again and allow the professor to break ones with a sledgehammer upon ius rigid bre The position kept him from sta RAmgericans Drink 7 RI( e the greatest coffee /R drin face of the globe, I\ e e consumption of . One- of luction of the ber- ited Stat 00 a American citizens tly acquired colo- Porto Rico, e Islands produce commanding ets of the world. years ices In the mar- kets coffee ¢ the past ¥ factory ed and the e Philippines also f high grade tions of coffee into the uring the nine months mounted to 617,- 344,000 pou th a of $45,215,000, a sum nearly $5,% ss of the value of the coffee impor me months of the prece indicating that for the full fiscal year the total value of the coffee imported into the United Oceans of Coffze. States will be about $60,000,000. is somewhat below Even this the annual average cost of coffee imported during the decade just ended, the :eduction in fotal vaiue be- ing due to the fall of about one-ha.f in the import price. The following iable shows in pounds the importations of coffee into the principal countries of Europe and into the United States in 1899 and the per capita consump- tion: Country— BEaS oo iinnnes United Kingdom Italy e Austria-Hungai France g German empire United States.. Our coffee importations ly from the foiiowing countri from which we imported in ni of the present fiscal 3 5 pounds, while large quantities o 47,461,000 pounds; Central American coun- tries, 25,674.000 pounds; Jav: 11,032,000 pounds; W Consumption. Per capita. 396,000 3 pounds produced in shipped to the United States from Euro- pean countries, the United Kingdom hav~ ing sent us 3,000 pounds in the nine months _under consideration, and Ger- many 3,307,000 pounds during the same pe- riod. The Facetious Dog and the Cur. ¢7® FACETIOUS Dog was trotting ”/»—“ down the Highway, taking the Air. Suddenly there was a great Clamor Cur, weeping, and Hitting the Pike and around the Corner came a Yellow W Yy A.ROUND THE-. (PRNER CAME: A YELLW CUR,— vl at 2« Maud S clip. And there was a Can of Rocks fast- ened to His Tail. “Ho, ho!” howled the Facetious Dog, “Thou ert the Most Fun I’ve met in Many Moons!” and he sat down and Wagged his Tail and Laughed Until the Tears ran down his Cheeks. “Thou mayst laugh!” whined the Fleeing Dog, “but wait till Misfor- tune taketh a Drag at You!”—and he straightened out another Kink in his Running Gear. “Misfortune!” sneered theFace- tious Dog. “When Misfortune Get- teth a Crack at Me, let me Know!” And it Came to Pass that the Next Day the Yellow Cur met the Facetious Tog all Doubled Up likean Interroga- tion Point,snd wearing an expression of Agony upon his Features. “Ho, Friend,” exclaimed the Yel- low Cur, “What hast thou Been Up Against?”’ “Alas!” gasped the Facetious Dog, “Last night I was Hungry and I swallowed a yellow Bicycle Tire thinking it was Bologna!” and he rolled over and died. Moral: Don’t sneer at Misfortuns; fate may be fixing up a little surprise for you a little farther on. Second Chunk: The Humor of the thing dependeth solely upon whoss tail the Tin Can is Tied to. The Scissors Punch: If thou canst not pity Affliction, keep thy Mouth Shut. ‘YOoU ARE NOw SOUND ASLEER: SAID THRE HRYPNOTIST. death and his professional sleeps saved him the worry cf hunting for a bed; but at last he grew homesick and began cas'« ing about for a way to get hack to Ohlo, Walking was out of the question. Tha! brgkebeam was impracticable—there was tou much snow upon the track and a gen- tleman would certatnly be frozen to dealh, before traveling a inile. Cbviously there must be brought int) play something orlg- tnal if Mr. Hoon expuected to win bagk Lo Ohio with his tces and fingers all intact 2nd his nose in runiing order. By this time Mr. Hoon and the hyp- notist had become very chummy; so one day the unkappy wanderer from the Buckeye State opened up his heart and confessed to the will desire to go home that wus eating him like a canker. Now the prefessor was sorry to lose his best subject; but he deep ‘mpathized; and so he joined Hoon in arrdnging this ingenious plan for beating the transporta- tion game. One day Mr. Hoou wrote to an oil sc te, John W. Hannum of Kansas City, telling him that he (Hoon) was about to send his o!d friend an express ckage. He then procured a long box and luy down in it, his friend the profe.- sor tucking him up comfortably and pui- ting him to sleep. “Ycu are now scund asleep!” said the hyprotist. Hoon made no denlal of the statement. “You will wake up immediately upoa vour arrival In K the professor, “and City!” suggested will fcel no incon- venience from your trip.” Hoon was like a piece of marble. H his breathing Imper. ble. The closest examination would have failed to detect more than the very faintest signs of life. The hypnotist satisfied himself that his subject horoughly hypnotized. Then he placed the lid upon the box and fas- tened it down, not so securely, however, eyes were closed, but that it might have been broken open from. the inside. - This done, he tacked upon the box the address written a few moments before by the unconscious man inside., An expressman was called, the box lifted in and delivered at the station, decorated with mysterious Wells-Fargo hierog!yphics, started down the line toward Kansas City. Beneath the train the ing and freezing upon ‘Within the car L. F. snow was whirl- the brakebeams. Hoon still was THE _SUNDAY CALL. dreaming of the old homestead and the pile of jack-oak logs roaring redly in the fireplace chimrey. Wells-Fargo was in- nocently expecting to be paid for trans- porting the long box for so many snowy miles down through the canyons and over the bleak plains to Kansas City. Away down at the end of the line poor deluded John W. Hannum was awalting bis ex- pected present with almost childish antic- ipation. Back inefrost-bitten Denver the professor was idly wondering how it would al !turn out as he went about searching for another subject. Arrived In Kansas City, the long box was dumped out and trundied away into the big windy express room, where it was left' among an indiscriminate mass of other packages. L. F. Hoon yawned and rubhed his eyes. He had had a good sleep. Then he rould seem to hear the professor suggest- “Where am I?" he thought. irg to h'm, “You are now in Kansas City. Ereak out and go around and call on your old friend Jechn W. Hannum!". This sounded to Mr. Hoon Ilke very good adwice, indeed; he was hurgry, and hungry people always long to meet old friends. He kicked the end out of the long box, crawled forth, passed through the door of the express room and- mingled with the crawd. - No one who saw L. F. Hoon walking easfly down town would have suspected that he had just come all the way from Denver in a lorg box and a death-iike trance. Had the professor been there to ree he wcpld have shed tears over the lcss of such a fubject. “Why, hello! Hoon—l wasn't exjecting you to-day!" :xcla’med Hannum as Hoon walked into the office of h's friend, who is cashier in one of the large business houses of Kansas City. “It's always the un pens, John,” happened.” Had John W. Hannum known just ex- actly how he happened there would: have been some surprife in the casher's of- xpected that hap- smiled Hoon, “and I've just fice. “But you sa‘d something about sending a package,” suggested Hanrum, tenta- tively. “Yes, and I sent it all right; but, John, I'm sorry to say it has been broken'ecnen and the contents are gone!” said Hoon. He was very sorry, Iindeed. He took frichd with him to the expresg There was the box, and it open. Hoon was so angry num—sorry and disappointed. Tke more Hoon thought about the way office. broken Han- was so was WmAE AMAN WAO SHIPPED his express package had been treated the more angry he became. Hannum got an- gry, too. Together thcy decided to pre sent to the Wells-Fargo Company @ claim for $26. ‘We have been robbed!” sald Hoon. “And we will have justice!” exclaimed Hanhum. But Wells-Forgo is very reluctant in the matter of giving up its hard-earned gold. An eagl¢-eyed employe who bad read “Sherlock Holmes” noticed that the box had been broken open from the in- side. This was a very suspiclous, feature of the perplexing case, and Wells-Fargo was seized with a wild yearning to go deeper into the matter. And about this time L. F. Hoon began again to feel homesick for Bell Center, Ohio. s FEET URON ANTLE: met a fricnd, and having met a friend it was quite in che nature of things that Mr. Hoon should continue his journev in a Pullman rather than in a long box. Vir- tue was reaping a well merited reward. Back in Kancas City Mr. Harnum was :tm and demanding $2% with great zeal and persistency. He had been bitterly d’sappginted and he wanted to get something out of it in order to make good. He camped on the trail of Wells-Fargo and worrfed them until they had bad dreams of long boxes and spook robhers; but they would not pungle up $25. Then from hLis home at Bell Center, Ohio, L. F. Hoon wrote his old school- mate, Joan W. Hannum, telling him that it was all a joke—that he was the original par kage—the most original package per- haps of the many thausand that have been shipped into the vicinity of Kansas sirce the State hecame “dry.” Mr. Hoon thought It was a good joke, and he could imagine how Wells-Fargo would laugh over it Rut Wells-Fargo aldp’t laugh. Wells- Fargo s'fted the matter to the bottom— even after John W. Hannum had dropped the thing l'ke u hot biscuit and was busy trying to forget about it. Wells-Fargo persisted until Mr. Hannum lost his appe- tite and began looking up authorities on the casiest and surest way of committing suicide. Mr. Hannum ‘had such a ppor sense of humor. Really, Mr. Hoon's little joke was totally wasted on his dear friend Hannum. One day a committee from Wells-Fargo waited upen Mr. Hanunum in state. After presenting Mr. Hannum with the profound pressing his ¢ | | MF. A Eséfip’is (Copyright, 1901, by A. J. Moore.) Ea_b_ieé Up to Date. LS FEMALE Monkey lived in a A Lovely Forest among neighbors who were Most Agreeable in Every Respect. But it Was So that this Female Monkey was Not Happy. “Behold!” said she, “my Soul Long- eth for Nobility! I would fain weara Buzzard Feather in my Back Hair and a Monkey Coronet upon my Brow.” Now her Father was possessed of Many Plunks, also his home in a Hollow Tree was the most Capacious of any in That Section. And it came to pass that an Old Monk from the Forest of Bander-Log (which is over against the Old World) came across the Pond and put in his application with the Female Mon- key’s Old Scads. “I loaf your Daughter!” said the 01d Monk. “Bless you, my Children!” wept the Happy Dad, for the Old Monk had the Sign of Nobility scratched upon his Off Hind Leg. Thus did he Look Good to the Old Scads as a Son-in-Law. “Alas!” sighed the Female Mon- key, “he is not like the Handsome Youths who throng the Forests of The %emafle Monkey and the Sign of Nobility. “I LOAF= OUR DAVGATER my Native Land. He is old and wrinkled and toothless; also he hath burned up his Aesophagus and can- L cered his Stomach with Champagne; likewise there is no Evil Thing the ©ld Roue hath not done and none that he would not do. Yet hath he the Sign of Nobility scratched in the Hide of his Off Hind Leg, therefore I am His!” and she fell upon his neck snd was carted away along with a Large Check. * And the Youths of her Country said one to Another: “Bshold! we are Lucky Dogs that we married her Not, for Woe to the Monkey of humble means that hitch - eth Up with a Female Monkey of Noble Tastes!” and they were Very Glad. And the rest of the story—but lo! is =2 not written in the chronicles of the Divorce Courts of the Forest of Bander-Log? Moral: Nobility maketh not a No- ble. Thou mayest place a strawberry label upon a can of limburger, but when thou openest the can the lim- burger smelleth just as bad. Second Moral: The Democratic feeling fireth the patriotic breast, but deep in the heart of the Female Mon- key abideth a longing for the Buz- zard’s Feather and the Monkey’s Coronet. Theme: When Scads and Nobility Join Hands Happiness goeth out 1o See = Man. He left his claim of $25 to be col- lected by his triend John W. Hannum and departed in a Pullman—for he had assurance of their distinguished consider- aticn they imparted the grave information that not only had the box been broken cpen from the inside, but it had been broken open by the package—said pack- age being the body of the sender of the package, Mr. L. F. Hoon. Not only had Mr. Hoon broken open the package, but he had feloniously and with malice afore- thought removed, purlolned, abstracted and stolen the package—said package be- ing his own body—and had taken said package away without paying upon it the amount necessary to repay the said Wells-Fargo for haullng it safely all the way from storm-kissed Denver to the city of pork-packing! Mr. Hannum knew it before and this second enlightenment changed him from a meek and trustful soul into a vindictive man with a thirst fe owod. He bade the committee take its claim to u more salu- brious clime and there present it to the one who had instigated this wretched plot that had ruined his peace of mind and placed silver threads unon his brow. And that is the way the matter s E Mr. Hoon is safe at home in Bel Center, Ohio, with his feet upon the mantel and the short ribs of the fatted calf simmering upon the stove in the kitchen up in D ROON wAS SO ANSRY, SO wAS HANNUVM ver. The professor has buried his grief deep down in his heart and tries to ap- pear cheerful with another subject. Down in Kansas City John W. Hannum has an attack of snakes at sight of an express wagon and won’t accept a presen{ under any circumstances But the Wells-Fargo Express Company is the worst “balled-up” of the whole lot. When a package ships itself over the line to Kansas City, then breaks open its case and steals itself, can said package be arrested? If so, on what grounds? Hasn't the package a right to itself? “If not,” says Wells-Fargo, “you'll have to show me!” But that's the way L. F. Hoon got home from Denver without paying any one. The rest of the characters are merely accesso- ries, and the plot that has wound itself about John W. Hannum and the Wells- Fargo Company is the gentle flavor of ro- mance, as it were, that causes L. F. Hoon to smile dreamily as he looks back over the past, smoking “long green’ before the fireplace at Bel Center, Ohio. But if ever you decide to travel by ex= press—don’'t go by y of Kansas City. The air is still blue all around there and there is murder in the hearts of the clan of Wells-Fargo, from office boy to man- ager. — Walks of Little Children of Sibgria. HERE are many thousands of Rus- sian children livine with their par- ents in the little villages which dot the vast steppe of Siberia, or line the banks of the great rivers at intervals “ver: (a verst is twa-thirds of a mile). Many of them are the children of ¢ o have but lately settled remember some of the Russian homes that they have left far behind; many more were born an the steppe ard know of nothing dif- ferent. The life of these children would seem very dreary to us, but they are quite har py and contented. Many of them die an eurly age because of the rigorous cli- mate. They have almost no toy yet the little girls get much fun fro a piece of cloth wrapped up to look like a baby as some American darlings do out of the most _expensive wax dolls which says “Mamma.”” Those who live in the large centers, such as Irkutsk, the capital, or Khabaroffsk, the seat of Government of Eastern Siberia, or in the city of Viadi- vostok, on the Pacific coast, have good opportunities for schooling, and the beys can attend a military gymn: o scheol, which is under the Government, and where much of the instruction is given by army officers. In these schools a boy has a chance to get a thorough edu- cation, which even gives him instruction o+ in the languages. In many of the smaller places there are schools, sometimes un- der the village “Pope” or priest, who celebrates mass in the little Greek church in the center of the villagie. To this church the children are taken every Sun- day, and often on saints’ day as well, and there they learn to cross themselves and to bow when their elders do, just at home they bow before the “ikon” in the cor- ner. An “ikon” is a small metal picture of some saint or other holy personage, and no peasant’s house is too mean to be without one. That and the steaming brass samovar, at which the family quaff hot and the great Russian stove, near h they love to curl in the cold win- are the three great institutions in = ter, the life of the small Siberian peasant. At an early age the boys learn to help with his their fath horses and cattle, s in the spring. s mother and sisters come to the girls put forth their It would work, strength as lustily as the boys. seem strange to them to have their child- Focd happy free from care. Though their paren e almost always kind, they are expected to bear their part of the daily burdens almest before their little shoulders are able. They_ always dress just like their elders, too. The girls wear a bright cotton 'kerchief tied bver their yellow hair, and a print dress in summer, and are mostly barefoot, in winter they are carefully muffled, like the boys, in long sheepskin coats. Their brothers wear miniature pairs of long wrinkled boots that always form part of the father's costume, and baggy trousers. The Man With Five Dollars. the Land of Hardscrabble a Mar Who was a Great Sport. Now this Man’s particular bug was the one which inciteth men to go Pucking the Lottery. For twenty Years the Man hadl been blowing in Long Green in'ths effort to Pull Down a Prize, but it was always the Fellow in the Next State who copped the Big Hunk and was going to Buy a Farm and Bs Good. At last the Man won Five Dolla:a and Went Crazy. “Who saith I have no Luck?” he said. So he went forth among the Boys and said: “Arise! Get thy Skates On and Line Up! for of a Truth I have made a Killing and am yearning to Cele- brate!” So he Placed ’Em divers and Many Times; likewise he Blew Himself for a French Dinner and sundry Small Bottles—yea, verily, when morning was come the Five Dollars had gone, taking with them Twenty Other dol- lars f mpany. Yet was the Man Very Happy. He had won Five Dollars, and the fact that he had spent Twenty-Five in Celebrating Cut No Ice—for of such are the Lords of Creation. Moral: Enter not the lists if thou know not how to stand a Victory. Encore: There are Many Ways of acquiring Wealth, but Only One Way to Save Dough. @NCE upon a time there lived in — Third Wad: Be careful that thou lose not a Dollar trying to figure out a 3-cent Profit. And Hast Thou Noticed: That a Man’s Sorrow at losing a Dollar is egualed only by his Joy at finding Five Cents.