The San Francisco Call. Newspaper, September 30, 1900, Page 2

THE A MATTER OF SOUND. ‘““Have you any intention of retaldating for the harsh epithets used by that enemy of yours?"” *‘Well,” answered the man who is too serious to be always sircere, I hate to let him have the last word; and neither of us warnts to be so ungentlemanly as to fight. 8o, if he will agree, I think we will get a couple of phonographs and each make a record of what is on his mind. Then we'll set the machine so as to make it repeat, start it going, lock the door and let the talking match go on indefinitely, while wo attend to business.”’—Washington Star. DOUBTFUL. I see that a Washington druggist fried an egg on the asphalt pavement in front of his store on the recent record-breaking hot day there.” “Thanks for letting me down so easy.” ‘“What do you mean?"’ “I was afraid you were going to say gmt he hatched it out.’—Cleveland Plain ealer, WHAT, INDEED? The Mild Anarchist—But you must bear in mind that kings work hard as anybody " nowadays. . The Radical Member—That's one reason why I hate 'em so. What business have they to set such an example?—Indianap- olis Press. TO SEND AWAY. ““Well, that caps the climax.” *““What's that?” “Cook says those folks in that little house on the corner came over while we were gone and had their photographs taken sitting on our veranda.'”—Indian- apolis Journal, NOT FOR HERN. McGuire—French fried potatoes, is it? Niver! I have nayther th' money nor in- clination ter indoolge in impor-rted delica- coosies!—Kansas City Independent. O AT AT A AR DSAORQ .. e~ Culonel Cary (a gentleman farmer new to the business)-My chickens don't seem to be doing very well. Shube Vincent—What de ye feed um on? Colonel Cary-—-Why, nothing; 1 thought the old hen gave milk enough ¥ 1IE SUNDAY CALL. LA TTN ; : COUNTY FAIR.” B A TR T AT AT AT AT TR Dk < Tk A Dutifut Daughier. *“That daughter of mine will be tho] | death of me some day, declared the portly party with a ehuckle. "“There 1.as been a young man hanging around the house for the growing tired of it, past #ix months and I was for 1 didn’t consider that he was good enough for my girl. 8o yesterday 1 pummomned my daughter and said: *Daughter, will that young man be to-night?’ she answered, looking here again 1 suppose so! ' at me out of ‘the corners of her ayes *'Well, when he comes I want you te git down on him.' * *“Very well, papa’ murely. . “I went downtown congratulating my- gshe answered de- | self, for T reoally expecied a scene, as my girl has a will of her own angd I8 not at all backward about expressiryg it. But when she promisesa to do a thing it is as govod as settléd and I chuckied to myself when [ thought of the reception that that young man would meet with when he called in the evening. ““Well, that night the young man made bis wsual evening call and 1 cleared out to glve my daughter a chance to carry out her promise. I walted an hour, aund then, as the young man showed no signs of leaving, 1 entered the drawing room where they were. The gas was turned down, but it was light enough for me to discover that the young man was holding my daughter on his lap. * ‘What is the meaning of this?” 1 de- manded, with the little breath I had lert, *“ ‘I am only following your instructions, papa,’ she answered, without even looking up. “ *You're what? I gasped. * *Following your instructions. Don’'t be sily! Didn't you tel} me to sit down on Mr. Blank when he called? Don't I hear mamma calling you?" “I took the hint and fled. oit In a few days.”’—Detroit Free Press. S ———— el el et CLUMSY IDIOT. “Woman.”” said the lecturer at the in- formal meeting, "“in the Bast is only .a domesticated animal.” “Well,” said the foolish man that wanted to make a compiaint, *‘she lacks a lot of being a domesticated animal here.” The ladies present in large numbers glared at him amazedly.-—Indianapolis Press. B e N e ) LONG RANGE. Colonel Cattridge—I see by the paper that England's most powerful ship has been winning another viet'ry up in the mountains above Pretoria, Lord Pertectus—S8o far inland? Aw-—what ship? Colonel Cattridge—I reckon it's ther censorship. O AT AT A O R IA T A TR TR ke “O AR TR TR G FAR BE IT FROM HER TO HINT. Miss Dovey—Oh, Mr. Rhymer, I wish you would tell me how to write poetry. Mr. Rhymer—~Well, you get two words that sound alike and put words between them. For instance, you could take the word “this"”" and rhyme it with “bliss,” or——— Miss Dovey (archly)—-But—wouldn't “kiss’’ be a very good rhyme there?—Bal- timore American. CONCEIT OF MAN. - ““We women, this psychologist says, re- member our dreams more vividly than men remember theirs.” “Of course, my dear. You know you have us men to dream about.”—Chicago Record. HARD TO BELIEVE. He (returned from a tour around the world)—Awfully ugly little beggars, the Jups. Why, 1 was considered quite a good- looking chap out there, Bhe (absently) — Really? - London Bits, AT A KANSAS SUMMER RESORT, Tit Men are so scarce that when they fall asleep when out calling, the girls no longer get mad, but sit and fan the sleep- er.—Alchison Globe. PRESSURE. ‘“The Americans,” obgerved the grand Vizier, “are pressing their claims again!"’ “Isn’t it funny,” exclaimed his Majesty the Sultan, *‘that with all their being pressed so much, these claims don't get any smaller?”’ “Forthwith the proper functionary of the imperial household promulgated an irade, or decree, calling for general laughter throughout the empire.—Detroit Journal, ADAPTED. She—What is that old saw about “When in Rome—"' He (who has traveled)-~When in Rome do- the Romans or they'll do you.~Phila- delphia Press. BETWEEN THE TWO., “She sald I might kiss her on ‘either cheek."’ “What did you do?” “I hcsitated a long time between them.* -Life. NOT THE KIND SHE MEANT, Bhe—1 think your friend Rickey is so very entertaining; he 1is always making such dry remarks, Rickey’'s rival—-Yes. One ean't ecome anywhere near him but it's “Let's go take gomethdng.'—Richmond Dispateh, Cards will be | ? NOT 80 MIGHTY. | Guest (in hotel dining-room)— Are you {the head waiter? Feeder—No, I'm on!y the proprietor. P TRHTR A TR “OR SR SR> A BLESSING IN DISGIUISE, “I suppose you are greatly displeascd with my dauvghter's pianoforte practicng’ It must annoy you dreadfully—the flat ha= such thin walls.” “Well, no, I. have no wish to econdem: your daughter’s practicing. It has beeo the direct cause of my wife and | taking a great deal of very heneficial outdoor exercise.""—Cleveland Plain Dealer i A START !N LIFE. “Self-esteem is a great thing in this life,”” remarked the maunu who is disposcd to be cynical. “It i< Answered the philesipher “Some great “suceesses have had very small Leginnirgs, and the man who thor- oughly esteems himselt can be sure having at least good hustler in interests."” of one bz FOOTEALL NOT IN JIT, Mrs. Pokechen—8o vo'r husband an an old football plaver? 1 s'pose he has re- ceived a good many hard krocks ou de gridiron, Mrs. Razzer Blades—-Wa-al, va's: Laut not so many as I have reccived from de gridiron since 1 got married to him.— Judge. NEGLECTENG NO PRECAUTIONS. “What did the fortune telier say was in store. for vou?"” “She =nid I wae threatened with a con- siderable loss of flesh.™” “Well, what did you do?" “I took to drinking two quarts of milk ‘t\ day and dpuble lockinT my smokehousn | every night.”"--Chicago Tribune HAD WATCHED MHIS FATHER. Teacher—How much is twice four? Tommy (the huckster's son)—Mtm: ers why-er—— Teacher—Well, try it this way. IHow much are four peaches and four peaches? Tommy--Oh! that's about a half-peck | Philadelphia Press. SIZING THEM UP, ‘‘How ‘do you like your new quarters?" asked the landlord pleasantly The new tenant in the modern anart- ment house looked the rooms over sadly and rejoined:» !These, aren't ,quarters. These are eighthsg,”—Washington Star. &= | ] THEOLOGICAL PROBILEM. ANOTHER Parson—And so you have lost all your marbles? Now, let that be a to you, for that's what happens to all little boys who play marbles on Sunday. Boy—Oh, dees it? Well, how about the little bloke that's won 'em?--8craps, lesson OQF COURSE HE BELIEVED, Farmer—Come, now, honor bright, you believe in the faith cure? Granger—Belleve in 117 1 should say I do. I have an aunt who gets $ a visit and is making loads of money.—Boston Tran seript, do . WRITING A WRONG. “What's on hand?' asked the city edis tor. “I am now going,” sald the reporter who had been assigned to a murder story, “to write a great wrong."'—Denver Times, WOULD GET IT EITHER WAY. Rose—Tom asked me whether I was gos ing to give him a kiss, or refuse and oblige him to take it. Lily—And what did you say? Rose—1 told him I guessed It was Hobs son’s cholce.