The San Francisco Call. Newspaper, September 9, 1900, Page 6

w6 THE SUNDAY CALL. - Joo Many Jatked -at Once. The parrot was too frighfened to talk, and the sergeant who was behind the desk in the East Fifth street station at 9 o’clock that night did net know how to decide the dispute between the crowd brought in by Policemran Goss. “Squawk,” sald the parrot. “Shut up,”’ said the sergeant. “It's my parrot,” chimed in Lawyer John Palmieri, who lives at 159 Second avenue. ‘I charge this man standing glerde, William Kensley, with stealing the rd.” “I didn’t steal it,” said Kensley, who works in a barber shop at 155 Second avenue. “The parrot flew into my shop just now and I put him in the towel closet to find out who owned him. He landed on the head of a man who was getting shaved.” “He didn’t,” said Palmieri. “He landed on a tree after he flew out of my mother’s arms, and the barber got him there.” “He landed in my boss’ shop,” the barber, “and when I wouldn't him up Mr, Palmieri landed cn my It is black anu blue.” . “Obbleobble,” gobbled the parrot. “How did it happen?’ asked the geant, turning to Peliceman Goss. “I'll tell you,” began the lawyer. was e e “It was this way,” interrupted the bar- “Squawk!” shricked the parrot, and the sergeant shouted: “Keep quiet or ll leck you all up.” “Well,” said the officer, “when 1 got there I found a big crowd in the mix-up in the barber shop, and the parrot was getting the worst of it. Then 1 interfered and brought them all here.” “Core! Core!” sighed the parrot, with a long sigh on the* R.” “Core!” ““He said court,”” remarked the sergeant. “I guess the parrot is about right. Gen- tlemen, clear out and settle the matter in court in the morning.”—New York Sun. —_————— ALMOST CLEARED UP. “Here," "exclaimed the undersecretary, rushing in, wildly excited, *‘is another ca- ble from China. It must be something important, because it's written in cipher. Where's the code? Let's get it translated as soon as possible. At last the great mys- tery may be cleared up.” Then they worked over it for three hours, and finally the chief of the depart- ment was called in to help. He looked at it hard for a few minutes and then said: “Put up the code. This is a list of the names of Russians who were wounded in one of last week's engagements.”—Chi- cago Times-Herald. said give eye. ser- o1 e a———— - S A AP ——t S St A e —————— e it SUGGESTIONS. We were horrified. “Gorilla warfare?”’ we gasped. ‘“What should ever put it into your heads to be- come gorilias?”’ “Well, you see, the British had already made monkeys of us,” said the Boer, who, if we mistake not, was a field cornet or something. We had it in mind to allege a non sequitur, but refrained upon reflecting that these people are after all more sinned against than sinning.—Detroit Journal. HIS TURN. ‘Henry,”” raid the woman who had given her husband a lovely combination writing table and sewing machine on his birthday, “I hope you haven't forgotten to-morrow will be my birthday?"” ““No, dear,” he replied. “I have bought you some ecigars. The box will be useful to keep bobbins and buttons in.”—Phila- delphia Press. A CHANGED MAN. “It's funny bow marriage changes a man,” said Spriggs’ caller. “Yes,"” replied Spriges dreamily; “it used to be that 1 was devoted to baseball and football and basket ball, and now I give all my spare time to baby’s bawl,”” and he arose hurnedly and went inte the adjoin- ing room.—Detroit Free Press. O THTH AT TR T R TS RIS D S S SHFSFTSHOFORTSEITSETSETEIIETE § Mistress—Mandy, I understand you have left vour husband. Mandy—Yas'm; but he oughten ter kick—I done give him er week's notiew B THE R TETOF DR TR ORI TS FTEI TS EOFOR SRR NS @ SULTAN'S LITTLE JOKE. For the fourth time that week Mr. Gris- com, the American Charge at Constanti- nople, rang the bell of the Yildiz palace. “Is the Sultan in?"" ““He is. Who shall I say called?” “Mr. Griscom, with that little bill Uncle Sam’s.”” A pause then ensues. Then the voice of the Sultan is heard from within, “Is it my faithful friend Griscom?"’ hdsi £ of is, your Majesty,” replies the flunkey. ‘“Then,” said the Sultan, gravely, ‘““you must let Gris-come again. Ha, ha, ha!| Mo, ho, ho! He, he, he! Ain't that the best ever? QGris-come! See?” “Wow, wow, wow!” roaded the delight- ed flunkey. “That’s the cleventh time he has work- ed that moth-eaten old gag on me, and I'm getting pretty blamed tired of the whole business,” said the unhappy Gris- com, as he moodily stalked away.— b land Plain Dealer. o WHERE THE PROFIT CAME IN. “I thought,” said the man who wanted to enjoy his vacation in the mountains “that you charged only $7 a week for board and a room? Here it is in your let- ter."” “Yes, I know,” replied the proprietor_of the hotel, “but you diun't ask about the outlook. We charge 'leven dollars a week extry for that.”’—Chicago News. » “I believe you have been secretly mar- ried to young Mr. Noodle,” cried the irate father. “How ridieulous!” replied his daughter. “Well,” said her sire, ‘“‘he used to come here at 8 o'clock and stay till 11:30, and now he doesn’t get here until 9 manner, “that is the pink of politeness.”— o’clock and leaves at 10:15." ETIQUETTE ON THE FIELD. “That,”” observed the duelist, after pink- ing his adversary in a carefully bloodless G < “ Got on the Wrong Jran. He had driven from a backwoods hamiet to the station, and after making an in- quiry of the comductor boarded the train. When well on the way he stopped the blue-coated official and asked in all seri- ousness: “I'm sorter hungry. WIill you tell me jest where the eatin’ car is?" ‘“There is none on this train,” was the answer. “It's short run does not require b | A “Huh,” grunted the questioner. “W'ich of yer keers is the one that yer jest loil around in an’ turn and twist yer cheer any way ye please? Don’'t imagine that because I've never went railroadin’ [ don’t knew all about these things.” “You probably mean the Pullman. haven't any attached.” “Well, bu'stin® squashes! W'ere Is yef cigar stand, so’s I can buy a weed an lightin'up?”’ “We don't have such a thing, man.” “An’ ye've no place for me ter git my shoes shined, ter be sure?” “No, sir.” “Course I'd be crazy to think ye might have a barber shop aboard?” “We haven't any.” The rural gentleman subjected the con- ducter to a menacing scrutiny from heal to foot and back again. Then he drawled out in an angry, aisappointed tone of voice: “Well, sufferin’ cornmeal, I thouxhtflyo said this wuz an accommodation train!”"— Louisville Dispatch. B EEEEE— A HEARTLESS JIBE. We “Y] want you to make for me a thou- sand strong pocket-knives,” said the job- ber. “Here's a good knife I keep in stock.,” replied the manufacturer. “I can give yoa a thousand at once. It has two good blades and a corckscrew.” “Never do. This order is for a prohibi- tion State.” “Well! Do you mean to say the cork- screw is of no—" “l mean to say the knife should have two corkscrews and one blade.”—FPhila- delphia Press. “Most children,” said the old schoolmas- ter, “‘are very much like postage stamps.”™ “Indeed "’ said his friend. “Yes; they have to be licked to make them stick to their letters.”"—Philadelphia Record. B T T T S R S s ae S St S THE OTHER WAY. “Deo you think that constantly wearing a hat has a tendency to make a man bald?” “No; but when a man is bald I've noticed that it has a tendency to make him l constantly wear a hat.” £ TR TS AT AT A T AETOAR TS E OO T A ORT R TOE TR TSR OR @ Baltimore American. A MAN OF SENSE. ot Uncle ?an: Lott (whose wagon is fast in the mud)—I guess I'll wait fur some political candydate to cum 'long and ve me a boost. $300 A YEAR FOR TWO. “Did y(;u read about that lady who lectured to the students of the University of Chicago on how two may live comfort- ably for $300 a year?” “No. I've been up in the woods on a two weeks’ vacation. Just got back, and haven’'t seen a paper for a long time. Did she make out a good case?” “Yes, first rate. Told just how it could be done.”™ “Who Is this lady?" “I've forgotten her name—Miss Cather- ine Somebody.” “Say, great heavens! Is she a miss? Why didn't you write it down? If she’s gpod looking I might be tempted to—but I'm going to watch now and see whether there's any gallantry in this town, any- way. You don’t think she was talking in the interests of any of those St. Joe boat companies, do you? —Exchange. DEBATABLE. “We had quite a lively debate at the school-house Saturday eveming,” remark- ed one Populist. “We aim to discuss oniy questions of Interest to the party, but this was about the liveliest time we've had yet.”™ “What waa the question debated?’ in- quired another Populist. “Last Saturday night the topic for con- sideration was, ‘“Resolved, That two barber shops are worse than one national bank.”—Judge. PRACTICAL. “I despise a practical joker,” said the woman in a pink bonnet. “That is the only kind of joking that pays,” responded the woman in a sallor hat. She was the wife of a prefessional hu- morist and was therefore qualified to speak with duthority on the subject.— Town Talk