The San Francisco Call. Newspaper, December 24, 1899, Page 21

AL LRSS A S S 4 2 2 T XY PP POPPeY Pages 21 to 28 + ooooqo’ooo‘oO’toQQ#Q’bo The 00000#"##00##099004&*0: Pages 21 to 28 LA E E R R R +* + + + +* + SAN FRANCISCO, SUNDAY, DECEMBER 24, DRAMATIS RS. POLL eader of th 8 KEYES— BE > TIC Court rneys and thers (doing affect T.—Tis passing well; Like a va- 1 leer at e the sidewak SONG A Mrs. T~I 2 isband that DOOR ——— 1 Noakland! threaten to leave her grass widowed in She gives him the ha-ha and rse.” u been doing’ the poor you out gallivanting with some howling swell ‘s none of my business?” and “Go plumb to—well 7" G If he knew tha Mrs. Tickl peacet at nigh to snore; re’'s not a cop in sight, he bunch of keyholes to at the fact you mention f attention- ) Tears, huh! Just weep in their but I sit at sten loved that that window for his foot- K.—1 know fit, 1 used to How romantic! stow that guff! it was roma tic, but he at out of my life. He took to "Brute! Brute! 50 1 sued him for divorce— kie—The man that would crush 1's heart with a rubber heel should K.—Oh, he was half-shot all the ke shock.) » to-night if 1 have to wait till next o it. No man ever circumvented Woman will triumph In the end if only act. Turn, ladies, to page 3 4 quallity Club's Christmas souvenir and read for yourselves. (All go in heir clothes and produce emall books, the leaves of which they turn 1ill their eyes rest on page 39. Mrs. Tickle ) ‘(addressing her typewriter)—Be- Miss Keyes THE WICKED FLEA. The wicked flea, when man pursueth Doth gayly flit From spot to spot. You think you know just what he doeth; But you do not. All— No, you do not! Miss Keyes— On workaday and, eke, the Sabbath From tofl he ‘bateth No single jot! Into man’s hide his bill he jabbeth Until it's a la Polka dot. Al— Until it's a la polka dot. Miss Keyes— Between man's shoulder-blades he staketh A spot beyond Man's utmost reach And there his thirst for gore he slaketh. Oh, he's a Clingstone peach. All— 5 Oh, he's a clingstone peach. Miss Keyes— Mayhap one day his head expandeth; He fancles he'll Go down the line. Takes just one hop and stralghtway landeth ' Upon a female Form divine. All— Upon & female form divine. Miss Keves— The moment that its owner feeleth That f Bite ar a's initial sup Her outer duds she straightway peeleth And Doth him up. All (dancing)— Her duds s And Doth him up. straightway peeleth Mrs. T.—All together, whoopee! Whisky, wow, wow! Wh we we? Husky women On the warpath Wow'! wee! wow! wow! (Window ir ory is run up with bang. Knig lamp in ha ap- back as th h'ar ye Whoopea! st the combina g0 lose those wom I'll let you In. (Aside.) oved her once! That I —the stiller the better. DUET. ve of her I've borne all llis That human flesh is heir to! I've paid her millinery bills And had debilitating chills r weeks succeeding thereto. Cold feet at nigh st my spine, Of them I've had my share, too— And still 1 have to call her mine Although I don't much care to! Mrs. K.— For love of me, night after night He's gone I don’t know where to— To meet some fair Amalekite And come home looking such a sight And crosser than a bear, too! Blonde hairs I've found upon his coat— Not mine, and that I'll swear to. Of course I should upon him dote, But then I don’t much care to. Both— Oh, is it right, night after night he — should get so very tight she And rear and tear and swear, t00? 1f this keeps up I'll pack my grip woman Thi And from this cruel skip, husband To go, I don't know where to! RECITATIVE. Mrs. K.—Ahoy, there, mate, let fall the key! —To let that rabble in? Not me! Not on your death certificate! 1f they come in, why, I'lil— Mrs. T.—Go to — K.—Go what? Others—Go to—to a hotel! K.—Well, if I must, here goes. Just give me time to dive into my clothes. (Throws down key, for which they scramble. He disappears while they run to the door and open it. He looks out again.) K.—Heavens, they'll be after me in a minute. I'll make my escape as I am. (Disappears again as the women pile in the door singing): There are whiskers on the moon, Which indicate, we think, It is our time, or will be soon, To take another drink. (K. lets down rope from window, and clad as he is in his pajamas descends, the moon grant cloud. F masking behind a va- eads of his wife and the ppear at window he has just left. ng to him:) Oh, don’'t come home till th’ mornin’, Oh, don’t come home till th’ mornin’, dl»cruelli‘ Please don’t come home till th’ mornin’, Till daylight doth appear. K. (Running for his life)—You bet your (Curtain of fog.) life I won't. R i el SCENE 2 land. Ba taches discoverec CHORUS. It you've a knot legal question That has put you up a stump, Or has cost you your digestion And has given you a hump; s you throughout the day perior Courtroom in Noak- 1 and other court at- And haunts you in your sleep, Just put it now, and right away we'l t for you cheap ( r Doem and Skinnem, arm in arm, dancing.) DUET We're Skinnem and Doem, ractice according to law, say the fact Is our work is sue ‘em We rack 'em and screw ‘em, T RC ugh ‘em To hold We're gre We serve courses, Among ov Are Co-R' Our greatest achievement Is certa Of any one retrievement naway mother-in-law; em and Doem, you ever come to ‘em, ace her to Halifax just by her jaw! gayl rring nc I All eves aie turned toward » bench In time to see a trap open in the floor, out of which Ju Fogden is shot toward the ¢ With robes outspre pvers over the s gradually settling into his chair. strikes 10.) 3 CHORUS OF LAWYERS AND AT- TACHES. Here's the Judge, and he's a corker, Answers riddles like a sphinx; Though he's not a ready talker He is always thinking thinks. reel you off t like a tinke If not a court of last resort, His rulings might be wor: apping with his g ! Hear ye! The hon’ble scoprureurcourtforallermed- isnow Ju 1)—Hear In session. REC TIVE. Judge Fogden—Oh, learned clerk, an nounce The legal bill of fare, What's on the docket? The cases there Are all, of course— Judge—Say not; say not— Clerk—Are all divorce! Doem and Skinnem—Of course, they are divorce. Judge— 1 'most despair of change, As I'm a sinner; Divorce for breakfast, same for lunch, And ditto dinner, 1s diet like to give a dog the mange! SONG—Judge. Time was, and ‘not so long ago, When a decree, a vinculo, Was simply out of question, All Judges, singly and in bank, In holy horror rightly shrank Clerk— From any such suggestion. e .qu’)::; % =2 A e e Z 7 ENTER MRS, POLLY TIKKLE - IN A wHITE HALL .. 7//// = All— In holy horror rightl From any such sugge Judge— As time wore on there, in ame kingly yearn And Judges knuc s step, t Iy That pung All— gs for jaded rich ed up the plunder, Soon pungled up the plunder. rs the poor man had no show, o court would b his tale of woc And o Intil in this, ime, Divorce is gained record time Without the lea All— restrict ree is gained In record time When vote: To file their suits To him before el d vow support To him b Judge—Oh, I'm s f divorces. When I ®ot rid of Knightly case 1 thought Clerk: t Honor, we ha re. on the Doem—Yes, we f ing, your Honor- Judge—Holy Mos Skinnem—For what was In it! Doem—Yes, your Honor, and for a Ai- vorce. Judge—But I refused to grant it the remember, your tiff a divorce. will plai i you Honor, fused, er this Our I Mr. he is seeking a this time. client is divorce (Enter Knightly.) Skinnem—And here he is. (Knightly gets on h the es to implore ARIA-—-Knightly— A tale of woe I would relate Of woe and villainy; feserted by his mate eight each night till three— 1alf-past three next morning, half. T When the cock-g-doos are due And the rosy dawn’s adorning All the landscape then in view. This tale of woe I would relate woman's perfidy K. cut on a skate nightly brings to me. ere she's been; she says She doesn't have to tell; Advises me, to my amaze, To go — Doem—To go— Skinnem—To go— Knightly—Advises me, to my amaze, To go to —— Judge—To go to— Knightly—To go to—a hotel. All—And she replies, To s surprise To go to a h The court is visibly affected ENSEMBLE. el! Judge— The briny tear at such a tale of woes Unbidden wells to testify my grief; I feel it slowly trickling down my nose— I—I— (Feels in his pockets) Oh, demmit all! I've lost my handkerchief! (Bobs {n his hat.) 7o Doem and Skinnem— We summon at the very first attempt 1 ant tear from out the briny will not fine us for contempt uld also weep a little weep. (Sob In their sleeves.) erk— e me for the sob I can't repress; srgive me if I, too, turn on the lood of woe no longer I'll repress— (Weeps.) aches— uch a damp and dismal sce r such a of woful stress g all together! thing could drown the grief I feel such floods of sympathy as these; k it proper to conceal | the tide of tears about my knees. (S loudly.) ! boo-hoo! it's past concealing, e of woe g fast untc rom down below! the celling With at least two feet of tears in the courtroom the Ju es into his desk for a pair of rubber boots, ns. e bafliff h Judge (still 30 déeply impressed my career on the ber res to put on th ack cap) T n injured hush: d, being 1 journ, 1 her an order granting nim a diy Voice (from without)—Stay! (All eyes are turnec y directfon _ of door through which Mrs. Polly Tickle rows in a_whitehall llowing In other bouts are Mrs. Knigh bers of the Ce sing shaking fists Miss Keyes and mem- tral Squallity Club. They as they crulse about the courtroum, at the plaintiff.) CHORUS. Wicked man, do not deceive us— Unprotected females we! ‘Why and wherefore did you leave us This a. m. at three? Come, confess that you're a sinner— That you feel some slight remorse! Court again your wife and win 'er; BSeek :10 more divorce. ARIA—Mrs. K.— Fear ye not a woman's fury? Pray not to . Put your trust in Judge or jury! Love me true. Please, oh, please, begin to court met Promise, love, you will support me! I love you! How I love you! Knlgh!l{’ is about to yleld, but is re- strained by his attorneys. Ladles flirt with the Judge and attaches and sing: Please, oh, please, begin to court us! Promise, loves, you will support us! Promise true! We love you! RECITATIVE. (addressing Mrs. Tickle)—Well, Judge madam? T. I pray, deny this application for divorce. Don’t cut the Goraian knot, great Alex- ander! For should you hold your latest ruling still In force, Sauce for the goose gander! All— Great Alexander, If that thy ruling’s still in force, Bauce for the goose is sauce for the gan- is sauce for the (scratching his head)—You I mean that if you still hold that a marricd man can stay out nights without explaining to his wife, and with- out fear of divorce, the woman has the same rights. Judge—Oh, that's a horse of another color. It is not good for a woman to stay out nights. Mrs. T. (dramatically)—On that point, your Honor. allow me to submit an argu- ment. It is different from those you gen- erally hear, by reason of the fact that it is based not on what has happened but on what may happen. It is not buried in legal archives. It is fresh from the print- ing press. It is the philosophy of Mrs. Charlotte Workins Stepson, the advance agent of the'New Deal. All'the girls know it by heart. Here it is: SONG AND CHORUS. Once, Once, Once, Once upon a time A maiden, your Deep in a donj Then fled to fore A maiden, young and inn Deep in a donjon keep he pent, Then fled to foreign clime. Mrs. T.— rs, Years, rs this maiden First she tore her Then g T He I She grew The fates would not re Nt All— Deep wrinkles in her fa ce made way; She grew decl The fates would n: T— ot relent. Then, Then, Then, An impresario Pity took on her sad lot, Hired her upon the spot On the road to go With his ballet show, And for a hundred thousand nights She made a hit in purple tights A-singing “Ho-heigh-ho All— And for a hundred thousand nights She made a hit in purple tights A-singing “Ho-helgh-ho!" ge— Now, really, how pec That any prett far Such awful tribulat Id have had 0 undergo: A villain st to frighten her And then to purple tighten ‘er For one night stands forever in a gaudy ballet show A villain first to frighten ‘er And then to p tighten ‘er For one_night stands forever in a gaudy ballet show! RECITATIVE. ve won your case; there's y it at decision once and now I Others and now doth rue it! He made a great decision once Judge No more n leaks in true love's crees of divorce I'll issue —— nnem—Hear! Hear! ad of divorce, issue writs of attachm irs. Tickle rows to the throws arms about him Knightly embra her husband K s and other members of the £ 1 don't do a thing but hug the rt attaches Doem and Sk em take ad- vantage of the geners go through all *he pockets in sight, singing Of Skinnem and Doem he work may be raw. mon and sue 'em ‘em and screw ‘sm itly go through ‘em .—\(‘(‘(»rdlr.lz to law! “SaY NoT — sAY ~NoT DIVORCE "e o i) Court attaches catch the busy and drown them instanter. Judge gets in boat with Mrs. Tick Mrs. K. with K., while attaches and lady club members pair in their boats. They row in proces- sion toward the door, all sing! FINALE F lawyers Some people the deu “Is virtue triumphant in Noakland? “Is sauce for the gander the same for the goose, "SX?( e virtue's triumphant in Noak- and 7' No longer are husbands at sixes and fives With the dearest and sweetest and bestest of wives— ‘Who cares if his mother-in-law arrives, Providing he's living in Noakland? (Exeunt in time to see the Justice on the dome take off her bandages to wink at & passing policeman.) (Curtatn) “What y say,