Omaha Daily Bee Newspaper, February 14, 1903, Page 9

THE OMAHA DAILY BEE: SATURDAY FEBRUARY 14 WIDOWER (HEERS WIDOWS Bingular Birthday Banguet Projected by a Retired Bas, THE ONLY MAN WILL BE PRESENT Nome but Women Bereft of Hu Bidden to Wi e Feast—Practical Lora Creatures. Alfred A. Howlett, a retired banker of Syracuse, N. Y., does not think a great deal of the older Weller's advice to his son Samuel. He does not “bevare of viddere,” but instead has a very high oplalon of these lorn creatures and whenever occasion offers seeks to do them a good turn. His latest device for giving them pieasure is to invite All who reside in the vicinity to gather on 1he 824 anniversary of his birth, which is %oon to arrive, and dine eumptuously at Bis expense. There are in all about 125 widows who are included in the invitation and arrangements for the banquet are now in progress on an claborate scale. Every guest of the evening will be a widow, the orchestra will be composed wholly of and Mr. Howlett will be the only person in bifurcated garments present “On my last birthday,” said Mr. Howlett, “1 gave a lttle party and had ten widows 48 my guests. After that every time I met & widow 1 knew on the street she would sy, ‘Why dldn’t you invite me’ | am a widow,' You see, I didn't think anybody ‘would care about it “But we had a good time and I made up my mind that I'd have another. And 1 made up my mind, too, that nobody I knew would come to me and ask me why 1 didn’t favite her. So I just took the streets and went down them, and do you know there re eighteen widows on James street” Yes, sir, and I haven't invited a widow that 1 didn’t know her husband—knew them all.” A Suvéessful Business Man. For ffty years Mr. Howiett was presi- dent of the Salt Springs National bank and directed ite affairs with great ability, re- signing only two years ago on account of his age. He was formerly president of the Syracuse & Chenango Valley ralflroad and president of the Syracuse Savings bank. His pame I1s connected with a score of enterprises. He was one of the first salt msnufacturers of the city. He once ran a packing house in Geddes and later drove cattle on the Wabash river. He has made and lost millions. His health is excellent and his eyes are brig) They twinkle ‘when the widows' party is mentioned. One of his friends said: “This party will lengthen his life. He will get more enjoyment out of it than the widows themselves.” Mr. Howlett has always been ready for a Joke, practical or otherwise, and his friends are racking their brains to get some good one on him on the day the party, which will last from 4 o'clock in the afternoon until § o'clock in the evening. But be as- sures all his friends that there is no joke concerned in his present enterprise, in- sisting that the dinner will be carried out strictly on the lines indicated, and that mo trouble or expense will be spared to make it & success. Stands High in the Community. Mr. Howlett holds a place among the active and successful of unum cuse. Ever since he came from the of Geddes to work for Horace and Hamil- ton White, bankers, in his youth, he has been a lively and active figure in the city's life. As long ago as 1842 he had achieved success in business and he owned packing ‘houses, elevators, mills banking inter- ests when scarcely out of boyhood. He & director of the Salt Bprings ‘bank ts doors in 1852. Seven years later he was vice president and cashier, and immediately thereafter presi- dent. Since that time be has been con- nected with some of the leading emter. prises of the city, including Syracuse uni- asylum. ' He retired after having been president of the Salt Springs bank for over forty years. » In extenuation of his exclusion of all but widows from his banquet board Mr. How- lett says: “People don't seem to remember that widows are most always left out of society altogether and I want to give them a good time. “Some of the men are jealous. They are trying to have fun with me, but if 1 live until February 17 that party will come off. My son has got to get out and 1 am going do the entertaining all alone. Any man 'hat comes prowling around will get kicked out.” Net His First Experiment. Two years ago, to celebrate his birthday, Fe They had such a good time ir friends so much about it that busy since explaining to other be @4 not invite them. Finally to invite every widow he He was surprised that the papers & fuss about a man dining with 125 widows it he wanted to. His idea amuse his friends and him- “When 1 was married,” remarked Mr. Howlett, in speaking of his earlier days, “1 sald to my wile: ‘Minerva, where are we going to chubch™ She replied that she was & Methodist. I proposed that we o to the Unitarian church. My wife wouldn't bear of that and finally 1 suggested as a compromise that we go to the Presbyterian rch, as 1 coneidered that about between the Methodists and the Unitarians.” Five years ago he was at death's door and a New York specialist was sent for is distinguished above all other silverware by its almost infinite. va- riety. Noarticle which may fitly be fashioned in silver is neglected by Gorham d ers, e in 2 majonity of instances these may be had in a surprisi number of difilgzut d:-g than & few hours. Wishing te find out be had much fever, the specialist asked Do he crave water?” “Crave water” shouted Mr. vising In hir bed. 1 water in the '$0's. The specialist dropped the case York Relief for the Aflicted Pre Manipulaters of X-Ra That soft corns, tion of several reputable physiciane Chicago. Dispatches from Boston say that in a ho: pital there skin cancers are being succes: y brought smiles to the lips of many Chicagoans, who say that it is a general practice among spe- claliste here to treat these things in that fully treated by the X- manner, and has been for the last three four years. brought out that Chicago six years ahead of Boston, about five of the skin. of the pathological cells the trouble sometimes called a skin cancer. the skin cafcers disappear entirely. 1t is said that treatment of this sort con- tinued for three weeks will show no change in the eancer, but that at about the end that time the vanishing of the cancer be- gine and will continve, whether the trest- What the causes for this are the users of the rays will not bazard a guess. They claim to have theor- ment is continued or not. fes, but nome of them iz willing to e what his theories are. specialists in diseases which are said be most benefited by the X-ray as a cura- tive agent developed some remarkable opin- fons.—~Chicago News. QUAINT FEATURES OF LIFE F. N. Brown, the retiring sherd? of Re- public county, Kansas, jubliehes a card | time. thanking “the people who have retained me | “The girl who makes a specialty nf| in office for a space of five years.” Mr. |classic heads wanted to play casino—she Brown also duly thanks Providence for | the following len- “In the discharge of my dangerous | duties of this office I want to make this acknowledgment that I have always been protected and guided by a kind and loving God and when dressed in His armor there loopholes for bullets. Praise His name, and again I say, thank’| s no reason she should make herselt so dis- certain favors, guage: is absolutely no you." A sidewalk John Furla' Chicago. grocery, tracted by the cries of a boy. He went the boy's assistance, and the latter told him that he had a nail In his foot and | could not move it. place received electric shocks. After having been relieved of a real octo- pus that she had carried in her stomach for two years Mrs. Elizabeth Wendt resting easy at St. Luke's hospital, New York City. ‘While at Long Branch, N. J, two sum- mers ago Mrs. Wendt drank & glass water from a natural well in the vard of one of the country homes. As she swal- lowed the water she felt a peculiar wrig- gling sensation in ber throat which caused her to cough violently. She suffered from | severe choking spells for weveral menths, but thought nothing of the matter until six months ago, when sbe felt an unac- countable gnawing sensation. She tried all kinds of remedies without result, but a stomach pump applied at the hospital brought forth a writing, spiderlike reptile about the size of a woman's hand, possessing tentacles like those of an octo- pus. On the extremities of these quiver- ing tentacles were little cups capable producing™a powertul suction. + “1 am tired of town,” was the first mes- sage Dora Meek gave her parents after her wonderful 120 days’ sleep at Centralia, The ‘message came this afterncom on & pad kept at her chair, and with it a re- & country Since January 1 she has been re. The attack of hysteria had been ascribed to a lovers’ quarrel, but now, it is sald, to home sickness or over. work in & restaurant. A year ago she suf- fered a shorter attack and did not talk She now sleeps soundly m. quest to visit Kate Fisher, cousin. covering rapidly. uptil able to walk. less than half the time. times, the shah weeded out 1.640. Bach majesty’s officlals, who were commanded marry them at once. These women either been favorites or had family i husbands in their own districts, as it trom the roval harem. the Sioux Falls Joursal, “and his kind ty foolish things. He was The recent land crase struck him. jumping off place self up with & yearly interest charge 3600, while some bright woman years ago it & thing. Don't be an old bachelor,” | . | Prot. Richard T. Ely bas an article | Harpar's on the co-operative town Greeley, Colo., in which he comments | west. | comes society. 11t 18 the arislocracy of personal merit” It was not thought that he would live mm"'lwu'l) Howlety, stopped drinking Give me some whisky' right there and laugbed all the way back to New NEW TREATMENT FOR CORNS ine by excessive perspiration, skin cancers and other forms of eczema can be cured by the X-ray are the asser- of Incidentally the fact was w York and other eastern cities in the use of the X-ray. Diseases allied to eczema are broug about by an abnormal condition of the cells 1f there is a superabundance When treated with the Roentgen rays by exposure to the rays for periods of specific length Inquiry among the charged with electricity caused annoyance to pedestrians passing | 714 Halsted street, Jobn Reed, an operator at the Canalport avenue police station, was at- Reed wore rubbers, and | it she doesn’t look out. did not feel the effects of the current. He assisted the boy from the walk, and Inter observed that others passing the An amusing account is given by a French commercial traveler who bas just returned from Persia, of the way ig which the shab “reformed” his harem on returning home ' from his recent trip to Europe. The harem contained 1,700 women and out of these, after duly, passing an inspection several the discharged women received £200 About ifty of them became the wives of his lldl ence. JMost of the other women soon found considered a great honor to take a wife | “This man was an old bachelor,” relates years old, owned a quarter section farm, | worth $12,000, and was free from debt He fell into the toils of a smooth-tongued land agent, who gave him a free ride up to the in British Columbia, where he was induced to buy $10.000 worth of range land at 38 per acre. He gave his note for the first pavment of $4,000, which his local bank discounted, and loaded him- be rented his good farm for $500 As be pald as much for his | as it will probably be worth | w, he has got himself ce Snancial fx. Had be married is mot likely that he would have dome so foolish | | thé AQiffering social conditions east and “The further west one goes.” says | the professor, “the more democratic be- I must comfess that 1 &id ot understand true Americanism. in obe Its phases at least, until 1 got far away the Atlantic coast. Coming to Madi- son, Wis, from Baltimore, Md., the freedom of intercourse between all goonomic classes and men of the widest divergence of wealth and intellect attracted my attention, but there are social differences even in Madison NOT ACREE ON GAME Rise and Fall of a Oard Club Com- poved of @irls. . High Five amd Poker eates, but Were Down for Solitatre. When the teli girl was invited to help make up a second table at whist she de- clined on the ground that she had had no practice at eard playing this winter and would &poil the game for everybody clse The hostess was surprised at that excuse. “That is strange,” she said. I thought you had belonged to a card club all winter You told me early last fall that you #nd a lot of girls in the music and art ciasses were going to play cards two evemings a week for recreation.” The tall girl sighed. I know I told you that,” she said, “and I thought we were going to. We had talked it over and had perfected all our plans. We even got far enough along to borrow extra tables, and ofie evening we met up in my rooms, but we never got any further than that because we couldn’t decide upon what game to play. “Personally I inclined to high five, be- ceuse you can talk when you are playing that and have a good time, and that is what 1 play cards for. 1 don't see any sense in sitting down to a card table in the same solemn spirit that you take to a tuneral. Wanted to Show Of “When I said that the senior art student accused me of being frivolous. She In- sisted upon whist. She just 4id that to or is INDIVIDUAL WHIMS RUPTURE THE DEAL | Each It is pure. It is gentle. It is pleasant. It is efficacienur It stands highest thow off. She has a memory about four yarde long, and she likes to play whist 8o she can make & display of her mental pow- ers. She never forgets what cards have been played and who holds them, and when the game is ended she likes to have people congratulate her and eay, ‘Dear me, what a wonderful memory you have. You mever forget a point, do you” 1 think it per- tectly awful for any girl to be so puffed up with pride as that girl is. Even if 1 @id have a memory that mever gave out I wouldn't inflict my friends with it all the te to said 1t was 50 restful after an all-day tussle with the features of Sophocles and Diogenes and Peter the Great. The composer from Indiana sald that the rest of us could play | any old thing we pleased, but as for her it { was hearts or nothing. That girl is too silly for any use. She really is popular with the men—I cannot deny that—but that :ureeame when there are other women around. The fdea of talking about a game | of cards as if she was only playing to get practice in the manipulation of real hearts between times. We were all perfectly dis- gusted with ber and we vowed that, mo matter what game we did decide upom, it most certainly should not be hearts. “Another girl wanted to play euchre. I am afraid that girl will come to a bad end She bas the true sambling instinct. She sald frankly that she looked upon cards as a means to an end and that she preferred euchre because it gave you the best chance to win big prizes at a progressive game. The Poker Advoeate, “The girl from Chicago came out strong for poker. There is another girl that will bear watching. Some of us remonstrated on the ground that you caunot play-poker without momey. ‘Of course you can't.” said the Chicago girl. ‘That is why I like to play it. What do you suppose I want to play for—peppermint drops” She seemed to think that was smart, but we 3id not, so we voted down poker. “Another girl put up a strong fight for seven-up, somebody else wanted fantan and each of the other girls held out for some favorite but impossible game. We talked matter over from 8 o'clock till 12. The discussion waxed real hot at times, and the hotter it waxed the further we got from an agreement. At last the Chicago girl sald that the only way she could see for us to play cards together was for each girl to have a table to herself and play solitalre. The whist advocate argued that there would | not be much fun in that and that if we were going to play solitaire we might as well play it at home and avold the risk of catching cold by running around to each other's bouses in bad weather. We finally agreed that there was some sense In that and so adjourned at ten minutes past mid- night in & tolerably amiable frame of mind. “So there you have the history of the rise and fall of our card club. Since I bave played mothing but solitaire for four months I am afraid I should not be a very desirable partner at whist and so would rather be excused."—New York Times. OIL BRICK FAKE BRANDED Order Issued Against a Com- cern Which Worked an Ohle Graft. to i of Last Friday the postmaster geperal Issued a fraud order ngainst L. M. Bryan & Co. of Cincinnati, dealers in “‘a trust-killing, mar- velous and supernatural device™ Intended to produce “mysterious, everlasting fire, | tree trom ashes, soot” and all other incon- | venlences incident to the use of common coal This firm offered to send to all appli- is | cants & formula for this wonderful inven- tion. Replies brought forth printed circu- lars describing the wonder and ending by offering for the small sum of §1 to supply the formula ard appoint the applicant as an agent for the concern. So easy was it to sell the invention, the circulsr stated, that the fortunate agent uld speedily find himself rolling in the lap of luxury. Ninety per cent was offered and the agent was assured that the fnves- | tion created “great excitement” wherever it was displayed { According to tbe postoffice amthorities | lettars began Sowing into the Cincinnat! | office. It was found, upon examination, that the wonderful Invention which “created lo; much excitement” was & simple ofled brick, | | and even this was not supplied by the com- pany. In answer to the letter of an appli- cant inclosing a dollar, another prinfed circular was sent, instructing him to pro- vide himsel! with & “brick, as it was less expensive for him to obtzin the same at bhome than for the company to send it,"” snd to apply thereto “coaline,” the formula of of to do 0 of | which was given and “could be purchased in | 8t the Dearest drug store. “Coaline,” it of | developed, was kercseme oil, with a few barmless admixtures. Prominently displayed across the face of the circular were the words, “death to the trusts,” in eormous letters. Den't Cough All Night. Restful sleep follows use of Dr. King's New Discovery, the best Jung cure in the world. No cure, no pay. 50c, $1.00. PFor sale by Kubn & Ceo. At the Whist Table. She trumps bar partner's ace. Her partner aits and plumps ortense.” says be, “you can't play whist; b How Hortense yearns to scratch his face! (Boe'd nuthing left but trumps) ow York Evening Sun. Why of of Figs the best family laxative It is not expensive. 1t is good for children. It is excellent for ladies. It is convenient for business men. It is perfectly safe under all circumstances, It is used by millions of families the world over. laxative, with physicians. If vou use it you have the best laxative the world Because Its component parts are all wholesome. It acts gently without unpleasant after-cffects. It is wholly free from objectionable substances. It contains the laxative principles of plants 1t contains the carminative principles of plants It contains wholesome aromatic liquids which are agreeable and refreshing to the All are pure. All are delicately blended. Al are skillfully and scientifically compounded. 1ts value is due to our method of manufacture and to the orginality and simplicity of To get its beneficial effects — buy the genuine. Manufactured by (hutroria fig yvryp ¢ San Francisco, Cal. New York, Louisville, Ky. the combination. PRI ~ = AT DN N. Y. FOR SALE BT ALL LEADING DEUGCISTS. Amazing Cou rtship Of Peter Spiggot Short Story by OLIVER THUMM. (Copyright, 138, by T. C. McClure) Every time Imee & pair of happy lovers or resd a tale of true love I am re- minded of the remarkable devotion dis- played for the Widow Dickens by myr friend, Peter Spiggot. Ab, but she was well worth the winning: a fime, plump woman pot over 30, light of foot and gay without folly, with & complexion like a lady blush apple, soft, silky hair, with a glint like a copper kettle where the sun ruck it, and & voice that was better than any medicine in & sick room. Peter was bound to have ber, and small blame to him, but the poor man had some terrible flaws, He was barely turned 43, and,.you might say, in the very prime of life, but hé was bald as a pumpkin, brown as & potato and gangling as a beanpole. When he first began to court the widow she] looked on him as & fair good joke, but he let her see right away that be was plump in earnest, and, in spite of his looks, the widow soon began to like him mighty well. But when it came to th; point of marrying she kept telling him “‘No.” “:t:r‘.' she :&ll at last, after be had been pressing her hand for s season, “you're kind and free-hearted; you've got enough of this world's goods to malke a wife comfortable and 1 don't mind owsing up that you would be iy first cholee it it wasn't for a few drawbacks. For one thing 1 never could marry & ‘man by the name of Spiggot. Dickens aif"t-such an uncom- mon name, T'll allow, but it ain’t & patchin® to my maiden name, which you're going to {ry to grow a mew head of bairt” “Yes, 1 Go. T've got & metwork of tubes and ditches running all over my keeping it supplied with Darlington's Eu. reka Excelsior Scalp irrigator. Invented it mayself and ii's a wonder. I've got four hoge over on my place that's wearin' the finest, healthiest crop of wool that ever took the place of bristles. Transplanted it from some of my Spiggot improved sheep and Darlington's Eureka Excelsior Scalp * sald Peter. “It'd keep bair alive on a door knob, I homestly do believe Now you just pick out the color of hair you favor. Take your time to look ‘em over and send the kind you want over to the house.” 4 “Well, I swan!” sald the widow as Peter went down the road; but she couldn’t belp feeling a little proud of Peter for his smart. Dess. The next day she sent over a little skein of hair she had clipped from her favorite co “There ain’t no bair 1 know of looks so much like that Ewede bair,” sald Peter when he saw “] don't take much of a shine to it myself, but what suits her suits me.”" Peter began to watch the trains day after day from then until he found a healthy young immigrant with a fine head of hair that was just the right shade, and hired him to stay long enough to buy every fifth 1 married Henry Dickens to get rid :’; hair in his bead. Ope hris at a time, roots that unchristian name and I've llm;.: | And all, he dug out of that young fellow's that I'd never marry again except to ®"| scalp and tramsplanted int6 his own. It myself. The very next day Peter came cver to took iwenty immigrants, celected out of over 2,000, to supply his whole head and her house with a piece of yellow wi ”:i:‘- put the fmishing touches on, but when he paper, on which he had written & ? names, ane for every letter of the alpba- bet. “Just cast your eye over that, Marth said he, “and eee if you would ltke any of them names if you bad the picking of husband out of the lot? “] wouldn't especially lean toward any of them,” the widow remarked after Jook- ing over the list quite earnmestly. ‘“The tact is I'd already made up my mind that 1f 1 had the choosing of & Dame for my pext life pardner 1'd be-mighty well satis- fied with Darlington. You see it's & fine sounding name and moreover it begins with a “D." All my pillow shams end five sheets and table spreads that I've made | ever since 1 was & young girl are marked with a “D,” so you see it would come awfuly handy Dot to have to change them.” Six weeks later Peier came across lots | to the garden where the widow was setting out some tomato plants and hapded her a big document with & £0ld and red seal on it. He had had his psme changed to Peter Darlington by act of congress. It had cost him a pretty penny, but he knew that the | congressman from his district bad to live, | 50 he mever grumbled “Well,” said be when she had slowly read the paper through from beginning to end, ] suppose now you're ready to name the day when you'll be Mrs. Peter Darling- ton ™ Mrs. Dickens thoughtfully emptied the entire contents of ber sprinkling can on the tomate plsnt she bad just set out be- fore she answered. “No, 1 ain’t,” she eaid at last. Peter climbed over the fence, picked up | (he empty sprifkling can, went to the well | and Silled it, and set it down beside her. “Why?" be asked. “Because,” she answered | “1 was afraid it was some dreadful scan- | sl like that,” said Peter, nmot meaning | was done he had a splendid head of hair, although it was a little spotty in places where the shade was not quite matched and it had cowlicks scattered around in odd corners where one could never expect to find them. You would hardly believe it, but still the widow wasn't satisfied. She had made up ber mind beforehand that he wouldn't quite | do for a husband and it was mighty bard for her to give up the idea, she being whet you might call just a little mule-headed in her ways. “Give me a reason, Martha Peter. “Well,” said the widow, bunting like sixty for a drawback that couldn't be fixed. “You're too tall by two good Inches. I just couldn’t go ‘round with a ganglin’ six- footer, makin' me look like a pumpkin at the side of a bean pole!" When Peter left the house the widow looked after him with the glint of a tear- drop in her eye. “Maybe I hadn't ought to bave done it," the mused, “but I guess I've got Mim set- tled for good this time.” ' She did mot kmow Peter Darlington if she thought she had him stopped. The very next day Peter went 1o the city and hunted up a doctor who had made a great name by sawing people to pleces and put- ting them together again. “Looky here, Doc,” said Peter, comiag to the poimt without any waste of words, “could you saw two inches out of & man's legs, below the knee, say, and join them together agin, bones, muscles, blood, veins and all, just as good as new?” “Yes, it could be dome,” answered the doctor after thinking it over. “All right then, let ‘er rip,” says Peter, taking off his coat. “T'll foot the bill." “But, my dear sir,” says the doctor, * demand: “You owe me a good reason by this any barm, but being maturally sarcasticp”there’s nothing the matter with you. I lke. The widow blazed right up. | “Look here, Peter Spiggot Darlingtos, if you must kpow the reason, it's because you're bald-headed! 1've tried aud tried to | overlook it, but you're so almighty bald | that 1 can't. And I never could marry bald-headed man, even If his pame | Darlington!™ “Mrs. Dickens” Peter sald with the me narrowing of his eyes that be used in & horse trade, “will you give me the retusal of you for, say. #ix months®" | “Well,” replied the widow, who bad her- | self traded & horse or two without loss “six months is & long time, but I dou't| mind doing a favor for &n old friend. So Il give you my word Dot to consider any offers till next November. “Much obliged. Fine weatber, ain'tsit?” Without waiting for an answer to this last question be was gobe. It was & month before reter called again and then he stalked into the kitchen with his hat on and & litle paper package in his hand. “Good morain’, Mr: Dickens” he said, “I just come over to find out what color of bair you liked best He opened his little Jackage and spread out on the kitchen tsble twenty white en- velopes, on each ope of which was neatly pasted & sample of d\fferent shade of bair. The widow gasped. “Look here Peter Splg—Darlington,” she ejaculated, “you're not gOIng to buy & wig! You might know I couldn't abide s man with & wig. Why don't you take off your couldn't do & job like that. be against the law!™ Peter had done & lot of reading and he knew there were only two kinds of people who couldn't get around the law—poor peo- ple and people with no spunk “Couldn't you do it in the interest of sclence?” he asked. “That's so!" said the doctor, perking up. “If it's in the interest of science we can Why, it would do most anything. Only it will cost you a | lot more that way. “Sharpen up your saw'!" said Peter. Two months afterward be went back home measuring just five feet nine and a haif in bis stocking feet. The widow began to cry when she saw bim. “It ain't now use, Peter.” she sobbed “If I'd knowed you'd go and fly in the face of Providence this way 1 bever would let you do it. I'd a told you the truth right out. The fact is 1 can't bring mayself to mary you Do metter what you do. You don’t £x up one thing till I see another that looks bigger than all the rest. Your face is wrinkled and you're freckled and you got false teeth and a big nose and Jop ears. But 1 don’t want you now 1o go and sk yourself or transplant new teeth i Jaws or pare down your nose and ears, be- cause it wouldn't do any good. Clear down at the very bottom of 1t all is the real rea- son that you're too everlasting old for me."” — | the 014 Red Brush school when they wanted | to be believed. { “Well, of course you're the doctor, M | Dickens,” said Peter, trying to smile cheer- { fully, “but there's mo reason we can't be | | good friends anyhow. I'm bound to say | that knowing you has been improving to me | {:n all ways, for when I first begin to keep | company with you I was baldheaded and {too tall for comfort, and my mame wasn't | | 8¢ for anything on earth but to sign checks jon the bank with. In epite of all I've pained, though, 1 wish you could have told | me in the first place that I was too old. 1 | needn't have wasted all this time.” When Poter weat away this time the { widow Dickens sat down to peel potatoes |and cut her finger. At dinper time she burned the meat and let the coffee boil | | over. For two days she had a motion, off | | and on, to send for Peter, but she didn't, {and Peter didn’t come sround to bother | | her. He just laid fn a new stock of drugs and went mussing around again After awhile bis live stock kept dying off, one at a time, al an awful rate, but in a few months he began to buy up all the ©0ld tough stock he could get, and also be- | gan to sell the tenderest and juiciest young | shoats and calves and chickens that ever | came off a farm. Aided by his mighty love for Widow Dickens be had discovercd what the wisest men of all the ages had failed to find—the Elixer of Youth! When he had it down to where be knew 1t was perfect and could be relied upon, he took a bottle of it and went down to the widow's house. “I've come to make a last appeal Martha,” he said: “and 1 wast a clear up- derstanding with you. All I want is a plain answer to ‘a plain question. T I was younger would you marry me?" “Peer,” the said, “1 would! “Then here goes!" said he, and with that he tilted up the bottle, emptied the Elixer of Youth down his throat and tumbled down in his clothes, a squalling baby with an amazing shock of dun-colored hair! | You see Peter had, some way or other, | miscalculated the strength of that elixir and took an overdose, and it set bim back |about thirty years farther than be had meant to go. Well, the widow was flustered and ®o sorry she didn't know what to do. Now that it was all over and eternally teo la she saw (hat, in the end, she really meant |to marry Teter all the while. In the meari!rie something practical had | to be done, so she snatched the baby eut | of tte plle of heavy clothes and wrapped | it up in a Manket till she could borrow some baby clothes. Then she gave it some milk and sat down to think over what she should do, There was all that property.to look after and Peter had no chick nor child, 1o kith mor kin of any kind. 80 she up and married that baby! They tried to keep her from getting a license, but she proved he was 43 years oM and in his right mind, so what could they do? The last time I saw Mrs. Peter Darling- ton she was just giviag ber husband su | all-fired good spanking. “Look bere, Peter Spiggot Darlington,” sbe said as she slammed him down on the | fioor, “If I catch you pulling that cat's tall again I'll Just fairly skin you alive!” ESCAPED A SPY'S FATE Georgia Comgressman Had a Narrew rein for His Life in War Tim i | | | One of the most popular members of con- gress is Represcotative Liviagston of Georgla, former confederate soldier, who was thoroughly “‘reconstructed” soon after the last gun of the confiict had been fired. | Coggswell and myself were as fa He was telling & story of the war in the appropristions commitiee room at the cap tol the other day of his narrow escape once | from Yankee soldiers during’ operations ai | | Atianta. He and a Texas scout were sent | jon & pertious missicn in citizens’ clothes. | “I knew every pa'h leading ‘o the city and the streets as well as ! 4id the bog paths areund my own farm, and Geperal Hardee directed me 1o ascertain faform- ation about the epemy, which 1 believed 1 could do from & women living in the eity,” said Mr. Livingston “We rode up to (he back gate, but to our astonishment tbe Yankees were in her bouse. 1 sprang back inio my saddle snd we galloped away, the Yankees hot after us Years ufterward, the late Gemeral Coggs- well of Massachusetts and | met here in this committee room, and 1 bappemed to| learn that be was 'he military commander st Atlants st thet time. Thes I told him my story. “When 1 finishe? telling it Geze, 1 Coggs- well put his arm on my shoulder and said: “‘Let us be friends through life. ‘1 am mighty glad the boys did not catch you. As a soldier, you know what would have been your fate under the ciréumstances and we never would have met under such delight- ful comditions.’ “From that day urtil his dcath General friends as any two men who ever wore the blue and the gray. 1 was one of his pallbearers and w him laid to rest among the people bhe served so vell” Same Line, Different Branch. There is one man in Tennessee who, DO matter how many years pass over bis genial head as ex-Governor Taylor, will remain to the great majority of his {riends simply “Governor Bob.” His wit is as keen a8 his oratory is clear. When Dr. Duncan, a noted southern di- vine of the Methodist persuasion, resigned from the cunference to enter the business world, it was announced that he would into tnsurance.” “Tusurapce? “Lite or fire”" “Why, life, of course,”” answered Gov- ernor Bob with his infectious chuckle. “Hasn't he just resigned from fire insur- ance? ' —New York Times. repeated a questioner. Made Stalls His Bed, Because Peter Clark of Chicago built two stalls in his bed and refused to provide his wife, as she says, with sufficlent money to properly manage the household, Mrs. Rosa Clark ssked Judge Chytraus to grant her a divorce. Peter admitted he bad placed a plank z edge down the center of the bed, but sald it bad beem Cobe at the request of his wife. This she Genied. On the ancial question Mr. Clark Ceclared that he had given his wife the larger rbare of his wages, and then, when he went to her for small sums, he was refused. Mrs. Clark asserted (hat she was frequently left at home with nothing to eat and had to go (o her mother's to secure a meal. Making it Eas; “My dear sir,” wrote the editor to the persistent young author, “in order to simplify matters somewhat, we esre in- closing & bunch of our ‘declined with thanks’ potices. If you will put ome of these in an envelope with your manuseript and mall it to yourself it will make it casler for all of us, and you will be saving something in postage as well "—Chicagy Post. Deing Her Best. “But why,” ther asked, “do you keep a cat, a dog and u parrot? Dom't you know it annoys the melghbors®" Of course,” replied the old mald in the epartment building, “but annoyance of some sort seems to be considered the proper thing, and 1 baven't any chiliren. 1 om doing the best I can under the circum- stances."—Chicago Post. Accommodating. “May T ask you for the loan of a dollar?” “Certainly. (After & pzuse) “Well, where is 1t?" “Where is wha “Why, the dollar. “Blessed if 1 kmow. Wish I aid—I'd divide with you. Haven't got extra cigar in your clothes, have you™'—Keneas City Journal. o R A Identined First Gateman—Who Is that woman who bas asked tweuty times in the last five miputes sbout the schedule, for feer her train will get sway? Second Gateman—Sbe's headiz' a bunch of delegates goin” down t' a meetin’ o' th' American League o' Don't Worry Clubs— Baliimore News. e Meadow Lark. Ob flute of memory faintly blown Across the twiight — Across the shadowy land where. loue The trees like mourners stand— Oh flute of mystery that doth bring About the fading hill, The stars in tender biossoming— The darkners strangely stili— Oh flute of memory’ Ab! 1 hear The volces silent long; The afterwhile of Fate is near he hand-clasp and the song Oh flute of longing' Thro' the mist i reach my hands to thee. To thee, my heurt's evange) Of music yet to be. Oh flute of mystery, spirit flute, Blown gently from afar Across the walting feids and mute Where dreams the holiest are— Fore'er thy tender Established 1823. your > WILSON WHISKEY. Peter was hard bit this time, but only for & mioute or twe. “Then it's really just because I'm too Bbat “I can't Martha, geting my scalp. “lrigailag Ml " bhe replied, *“Tm irri- You dou't mess to say | olar™ “That's all, Peter, cross my heart, hope to dle.” She laughed, gay and free as she | THE WILSON DISTILLING OO crossed ber heart” as they used to do at Ba.tmore M4 That’s All!