Omaha Daily Bee Newspaper, December 7, 1890, Page 14

THOUGHTS IN LIGHTER VEIL Bomo Straws Gleaned from the World's Harvest of Wit and Humor, THE STORY OF A PATHETIC PASSION, Labeling Jokes—A Philadelp'ia Con- gregation Aroused—An Auxiliary Line Required — A Chicago Yarn — Met His Match, Komerville Journal, Love {8 no stranger to my breast; Its torments and its woes, Its wild desires, its fierce unrest No man more clearly knows. A thyobbing passion, deep, intense, Torments me day and night, And gives me constant evidence That something isn't right. wmaiden coy has won my heart, No woman more mature Has wounded me with cupid's dart— Of that you may be sure, , 1love! A be Ouhim who'll tell me why For oh! I love roast venison, And oh! T love mineo pie. After a Necessary Precaution. Somerville Journal: Editor—Why is it that you put 5o many of your jokes in the form of dialogues " . Paragrapher Oh 1 can_put a headline on them that will explain the joke, A Tactful Hostess. y: She—Our friend, Miss 11 today. she overexerted herself last Sho—How 1 He— She invited six persons to dinner and ns notone of them was on speaking terms with any of the others, shehad to enter- tain each ono scparately and at the same time, loo Bad. New York Evening Star: “Some people are born with silver spoous in their mouths.’” “You don't say! Gad! there didn’t any premium come with my bahy.” A Possible Case. Judge: Mrs, Smallware (on her husband’s turn ) What is this little package marked “For my only May? Mr. Smallware—That's a bundle of spring s-samples, my dear, 1 expect to be taken off the roud early in June for kuud L How She Remembered Him. New York Sun: Husband—How did you ®et along while I was away, my dear! Wifo-Pretty well. Every night I got out some of your old_clothes and strewed them around the floor, tracked mud all over the stairs and swore _at myself occasionally, ana it seemed really like hom The Erudite Rish. St. Joseph News: “What do you suppose started the impression that fish” was eflica- clous as brain food "The fuct that fish are themsclves edu- A Saving O Extract from a raiiroad 2 to the traveling publie—It should be distinctly understood — that the rates quoted by our agent on dressed hogs shall apply only as a freight and not as a pas- senger tariff, The St. Joseph. bulletin: Noti porience, Chicago Tribune: Grindstone (at restaur- ant)— What shall we ordor, Kiljordan ! Kiljordan (looking over bill of fare)—I bardly know. I am not very hungry. ldon’t think I want any meat. “Neither do L chicken.” Let's order a fried man” Donkey. Advertisement in an English Paper: For sale, a donkey, well educated, of gentle man- ners, good looking and @ good goer. Has been driven and cared for by a gentiewoman and isa gentleman, Only parted with be- «<ause uo further use for him, Price 50s. No more no less, A Piiladelphia Congregation Aroused Philadelphia Record: An up-town minis- tor to get even with a sleepy congregation, sang out in loud voico: ‘“Wake up here! there is a man standing before you with hatf a shirt on his back.”” The sleepers awakened and the sisters of ihe congrozation prasonted him later on with a dozen new shirts. He then explained that he was really not in need of shirts. He had a whole shirt on when he made the announcement, but half was on his back and half on his front. All present smiled and enjoyed the joke as” thoy now saw An Auxitiary Line Required. Jeweler's Weekly: Sam Washington— Now, sah, you's done sold me do weddin’ ring, has you got any razzors! Jeweler—We do not keep cutlery. Sam Washington- How’s ae bride gwine to pertec' de jewelry wifout a razzort ‘Wont Score a Big Run, “And what is the title of your 1" asked the manager. “The r Boy," repli d the author, as he prepared to unroll his M *It wont do,” said the manager promptly; Ywe wul-l never get a run out of the messen- ger boy.” A Difference. New York Morning Journal: Mistress— Mary Ann, Mr. Jones tells methere was a man in the kitchen when he wentdown stairs last evening. Dow’t you remembver that 1 told you that I did not allow the servauts to have their beaux come to the house! Mary Ann—Yos'm; but you see that gen- tleman ain't m bmu he uuly ‘wants to be, Not Perlshable. Washington Star: A colored man, who, a few days ago, obtained a marriage license, was at the clerks office today asking that it bo taken back and thp dollar rofunded. ko auxious clork asked if the license was not filled up properly und the answer was: 1 thought so, but I find thelady 1s lawfull married already, and of course I cau’t marry her. “You don't know," said_somo one in the oftice; “‘her husband may die or there may be a divorce, and the license will keep.! The applicant went off still holding the license. Just Appreciation. Somerville Journal: Experienced Mother —What does muke youlet Mr. Oelriohs flatier you so, my deart Invocent Young Daughter—Why, mamma, he w 't flattering me at all. He was only saying some very pleasant things to me about myself. An Unwise Prophet. Somerville Journal: Bjones—Who is that seedy-lookin fellow over theret enks—That's the financial edftor of the Duflly Nows, Bjones - You don’s say so! Why, he must #et a good salary. What makes him look so shabby ¢ Bjenks—They he buys auxks accord- g to his own predictions, Met His Match, Chicago Tribune: The two passengers were whiling away the time by a game of cards in the smoking car. *‘Want to bet on your hand " said the one with the diamond breastpin, casually. “T don't object,” answered the other, ing a fifty-cont cigar, “but I warn when I start in a game the limit's off." ““That sults me. Tam a retired plumber.” AAnd I am a retired paper-hanger."! There wasn't any betting doue ou that game, Priz> Essay. Oil City Derrick: A sweet girl graduate is credited witn thus deseribing the manuer in which a goat butted a boy out of the front yll‘\l “‘He hurled the previous end of his omy against the bov's afterward with an aramtnes and velod ty which, backed by the ponderosity of the goat's avoirdupois, im darted a momentum that was not relaxed until he landed on terra firma beyoud the goav's jurisdicti Boston Courler: 'nm Professor (at the din- per table)—O, by the way, Mrs. Chopsticks, bavo you scen_your littie boy Willie, lately} Mrs, Chopsticks—No, professor, 1 have not THE OMAHA DAILY BEE: SUNHAY, DECEMBER 7, 1800 IXTEEN PAGE seen him sinoe 10 o'clock, and I can't imagine what has beeoma of him. In fact, I am very much worried about him. Profossor—Well, seeing Martha pour out that glass of watet just now reminded me of something that T had on my mind to tell you some time ago, but which unfortunately os- caped my mind. 1t was just about 10 o'clock 1 think, ‘tnat T saw little Willie fall down the wel He Died at Last. 11 Rapsoda: After the battle of Custozza, r supposed to_have been killed, was upon the books of his company : “Died on the 24th June, 1806, ete. A few days afterward it turned cut that he was still alive, and the honest quartermaster made the following entry : “Died by mistake." At length there came a letter from the min- istry of warannouncing the death of the man at the hospital, w » sergeant recorded the fact as follow “Redied by order of the ministry."” Dy Boston T as the lightning “T'm onto yof mh Dialogues. ler: “Clome off the roof! id to the shingle. as the flea remarked to the 0. *“There’s flies on you!" was the remark the footlights made to the stage. “You're off your nut!" laughed the axle to the wheel. “You make me tired!" said Lhc wheel to the wheelwright. “Git onto the Jay ! remarked e Sparrow to the thrush, as the bluejay flew by. “It's nothing but a bluff!” said the chamols, as he looked over the edge of the precipice. “D'm stuck on you!" smiled the fly, when the sticky paper got in its work. It Was a Imlllrrullfl Blunder. Jewelers' Weekl, Minister (to partially deaf bridegroom—The ring! where is the ring! Groom (doubtfully)—Eh? Minister (running one of his fingersaround another) —The ring! Groom (exhibiting the stump of a finger oft at the second joint and looking relieved)— That's all right.” She knew it was off before we were engaged A Very Lovely Dress. Jolby Thomas A senator used often to quote a remark which he once overheard in the White Mountains at a hotel where he was staying with his family. On the piazza one day a girl near to him said to her com- panion, a damsel of her own age: “O Marianne, 1 do think that gown of ours is just too lovely for anything, and it 50 appropriate to wear up here!” 'he other smiled self-approvingly. ' she said, smothing down the folds vk in question, *I do think this off the mountains better than any other I ever had on.” Ireland Merry, though Poor. Lewiston Journal: Iroland has compara- tively few towns—her cities seem to be fin- ished, Real estate isn't worth half price. You can_ buy property in Irish cities for a song. The decline of the city is due to the prior dechne of the country. ~There is noth- ng doing in the country ; the farm is fallow. “There is so much heaviness in the air that T am homes Jenu,please spin your Irish yarns and let some sunshine through these leaden sikics,” 1 say. ““Well,” says Jehu, “I was at Blarney last week with an English tourist who_began chafling me, and at last I got a little over- done, *“Tell me the biggest lie you ever told,” said the Henglishman to me. ‘You're a ge tleman I’ says I—and he didn’t say no more A Chicago Yarn. Chicago Tribun “I'm going to tell you something that you'll swear is a barefooted lie,” said Clerk Taylor of the Wellington to- day, “‘but it's the cold truth s’ help me. Fel- low came in the other night from some place down in_the country. Hold up, here’s his name, J. S. Mather and wife, Metropolis.’ Gave him a room. He came down after a while and said: ‘I wish vou would send somebody up with a pitcher of water and washbowl, How do you expect abody to wash when they ain’t no water? Itold him there was water in the room. ‘Just turn the hand Isaid, ‘Well, I did,’ he answered, ‘and every blame time I did, the light goes out.’ Well, sir, believe me or not, but that fellow had been working with the electric light and hadn't been near the washbowl.” “Don’t you believe a word of it,” said Charley Hilton, “Taylor comes from Kan- sas, Hecan't help it, but the folks down there have to move away to other states fore they learn there is such a thing as truth,” The Dominie Didn't Sing It. Washington Star: There is a big Baptist church—colored —out in the northwestern part of the city. A man standing at the in- tersection of Vermont avenue and T street it hit it with a stone without overtaxing himself. The pastor of the church is a good deal of a vocalist and nothing pleases his congregation more than his excellent rendi- tions of gospel hymus. There was a meeting in that church one evening last week and ev- erything was moving along very pleasantly when the pastor said: “Now, we are going to take up a collection, and if the amount do- nated 18 satisfastor large I will sing for ng anything you ask for.” 'he congregation then shelled out its con- tribution. It must have peen “satisfactorily * for the pastor stepped forward and “I'll sing now. What shall it bet Ex- s your preferences. Annio Rooney,” said somebody in one the rear seats, and the preacher’s wrath was momentarily shrouded ina peal of laugnter. “PIl ‘Annie Rooney’ you. shouted the offended shepherd, but the joker had depart- ed with sensible alacri A Model ot Uprightness. Chicago Tribune: *‘No, my son,” said Mr. Verizood, I have nev put my foot inside of a board of trade building. I have never countenanced by my presence any mstitution conducted by gamblers, All speculative busi- ness, my son,”’ continued Mr. Verigood, with increasing emphasis, ‘‘all business that depends upon the future for its profits is in the nature of gambling. I have never in- vested a cent in a gambling speculation, and I never will.” “How did you make that £,000 you were telling us about the other day, father: “I made that, my son, by judicious invest- ments 1 railroad stocks. “Goiug to buy more railroad stocks with “Well. no. They are a little shaky just now. 1 have invested 1t in--cr—an insurance volicy on your mother’s life, ny son.” L) A fashion writer says *‘the leg-of-mutton sleeves have not proved successful,” but Dr. Bull’s cough syrup still continues to be used by everybody for coughs or colds. Don't you know! Why, get a bottle of sal} vation oil; it will cure ‘toethache at once 25 cts. ——— Dr. Birney cures catarrh, Beo bldg A New Bridge for Fire Hose. The adjustable bridge for fire hose, which some time ago was extensively recommended to the notice of five bri- gades, has been doing good work in San Irancisco, in which city ative recently took place the attendant incidents of which showed how valuable would have been the device which has since shown itself so useful. When the Grand hotel in that city was burned the fire hose blocked the five cable lines converging on a principal thoroughfare for many hours in the early morning, so that all the merchants, mechanics and others going to work at that time were obliged to take other lines or walk. The cable company lost, it is said, between $600 and $800 in fares alone by the detention, while the inconvenience to the public was vory great. All this could have been obviated by the use of the hose bridge. The bridge consists of aniron framework, the sides of which stand clear of the car track on either side. On llu- top of the frame is a support for the h which is thus carried above the top of the car and no longer impedes the traftic on the road. E— A Carrier Pigeon Service, A service of carvier pigeons is to be established between Zanzibar and Lake Nyassa, in Africa The stations will be thirty miles apart. e The most popular EIft nowadays is a rich piece of cut giss. Dorflinger's American Cut Glass stands unrivalled in_beauty and finish. See that their trade-mark label isgon evel ce. Your dealer should show it to you. e SR Dr, Birney cures catarrh, Bee bldg. SITING ON A POWDER MINE. Buch is the Cheerful Ocoupation of the Aver- age South American, BULLETS ~ VERSUS BALLOT BOXES. Where the Yankee Oast His Vots tho Southern Brother Gets His Gun—Interesting Political and Financial Gossip. eN0s Avres, Nov, 2. ¢e.|—Things are improving! So says the mmlun Times, with dignity, at a distance of 7,000 miles, So says the powerful Buenos Ayres press, hilariously, and on the spot—or so0says that part of it, at least, which is sub- sidized by the national goverament. 80, 00, say all the honorable congressmen, with noisy and eloquent patriotism, during the ime that they draw salaries for this sort of eloquence, beginniag promptly at 8 o'clock cach day while congress sits, And 8o says the president himself, just as every other Areentine president has said from 1820 until the prosent day. Yet, despite such an o ver- whelming ununimity of opinion, the state- ment deserves to be taken with more quali- fying phrases than even an English journal can crowd into one sentence. Three months ago occurred the re volution which made this city a three days subject of comment allover the civilized world. At its close, when Juarez Celman was forced to de- part rather hurriedly by a back exit from the presidency, the people went_wild with joy; business. houses were closed and covered with flags, the strects were jammed all day with crowds and a street orator could never get more than two syllables of the word “liberty’” out of his mouth before his voice was drowned in the YELLS OF AN EXCITED POPULACE, It was two weeks before the people grew tired of this sort of thing. Then they stopped yelling and began, as it were, to pick up the pieces, The army officers who had been de- prived of their ranks for taking part in the rebellion were restored to their former posi- tions. Help was solicited for those who had lost friends or property—even street beggars who had been droning out the same tale of woe for half lifetime without ever having been known to vary it by a syllable, now added the snnouncement that they were “revolution sufferers.” A public mass was held for the dead oes. Pensions were given to their widow New recraits filled the gaps in the army’s ranks. And then, just as affairs were becoming dull and peaceful once more the public suddenly took itself by the buttonhole and whispered into its own eur the intelligence that another revolution was coming to enliven thing: The difference between North and South American republics appears to be just this: When the North Americans wish to settle a political matter, they vote upon it; under similar circumstances THE SOUTH AMERICAN GETS HIS GUN. Twenty years ago a revolution occurred in Buenos Ayres to destroy the power of a cor- rupt ']mh cal ring. Ten years later itre qmm several months of fighting to decide where the national capital should be locatea. And in July, 180, the people, instead of wait. ing until election time came around, once ~[Special to Tue more took up their guns and pointed them at | an objectionable president, From July to October, and the trouble now is—a minister of the interior! This gentle- man, one of the cabinet of the deposed ad- ministration, has been continuel in oftice by President Pelligrini because he deserves it, Unlike many Argentine officials, he is somo- thing more than an expensive figurehead; he is honest and enterprising, and is possessed of that sound common sense called common because so remarkably rare. But the fact that he was associated with the ex-presi- dent's government was suMicient to call down upon him the righteous wrath of that gangot jonal patriots who constitute the Ar- gentine army. These, therefore, served no- tice upon him a few days ago that he must get out or suffer the consequences, which would be, of course, the only conséquence which ever enters the head of a South Amer- ican man—a revolution. Instead of being frightened at this, Minister Roca sent back word that he was there to stay, and that he was prepared to give the consequences a warm welcome whenever they should chance to come along. That was a week ago. Since then Buenos Ayres has stood braced up for almost any kind of a shock., Sometimes the policemen are withdrawn from the street corners in the early evening, gathered into the station- houses and armed with muskets, ready to do duty if the occasion arises. Some- the dead of mnight the timid citizen walkes and hears the distunt rumble of drums and marehing feet, and he hurriedly looks to ings of 'his shutters, and doubly his doors. Sometimes he falls asleep thinking of the many similar experi- ences which he has gone through in the past. And sometimes he is arousea a little later of a ringing bugle blast which b was endeavoring o blow through his mouth and nose. But morning never oriugs mo than renewed suspense--unother day of wait- ing for the BLOWS AND RIFLE SHOTS which may come before evening, which ma not come for many montus, or which m at all, ation of sitting over a powder mine waiting for it to explode is inte i but not especially unusual down her little-boy republics of South America go along the same perilous pathway, until presently one of them stumbles over o poltical or financial obstacle and falls down. Not many months ago the republic of Chili, through a slight excess of profit-pay- ing politics, found herself torn by a revolu- tion. The Argentine Iepuolic has just arrived at the same end in a slight- ly different way. Little Uruguay, too, one of the most fertile countries in the world, is levying taxes enough to run Russia; never before has she e, peace as at present, und shehas ov 1o prosper, yet she is keeping half the paper mills of England busy supplying her with money—the only kiud that she_ has, and now Prop: to double all her postage r order to replete her empty treasury not far from steps like these, taken in time of peace, to the ultimate tumble. And finally Brazil, which came into the bles publicanism only a year ago, is financially going to thedogs at such a vutothat she promises s00n to overtake her older competi- tors. Kvery oue of these countries presents the unique Spectacle of 4 people prospering for they do prosper—in spite of their gov- ernment, Brazil, in common with the Arvgentine Re public, employs au immigraut ugent. No creature on this earth, no matter how b sotted, vile and altogether worthless, neca feel without a friend while theve exists an immgrant agent. So long as the creature be possessed of sufficient endowments to en- able him to pass as a bona fide member of the genus homo, capable of counting as one, he is promptly embraced by his friend the ugent, given a paper doliarand a ticket to Brazll aud sent off Lo thav TURBULENT LAND OF FREEDOM. Fifty thousand such arrived to strengthen the country duriug the mouth of August just lnnu They came from every extreme of lsurope-- fruul Ireland, from Italy, from Nor- way. The change of climate had its nat- ural effect, and b per cent reported to have died before the end of September But the best agent yet reported is oue who used to acquire wealth by bringing meu from Europe to Buenos Ayres, getting his pay from the Argentine government here, and then posting them off by next steamer to Rio de Juneiro, where he received a second com- mission. But genius such as this could not long slumber in ulm'urilf;, and that agent has forsaken the immigrant business for politics, Buenos Ayres, has no Bedloes island from which to welcome her assisted immigrants, But in the center of the Plaza Victoria stands @ colossal statue of liberty; and tho statuo and the government which put it there aro strikingly like each other, The goddess is, at & distance, a very majos- tlo looking creature. Sho Eriaps 8 spour with one hand, and, if I remember rightly, a PRAYER BOOK WITH THE OTHER} | the spear, however, isin her right hand, as likely to be of mose practical usefulness. This statue glittors ‘in the sun with all the appearance of purest marbie: but a closer view reveals the fact'that its glitter is due to 8 coat of white paint. Searching a little further, you will motice a break-down near the base, and witkin'this nole may bo seen the ordinary brick and mortar of which the figure is built—of which the s is built, p ~for the intawior is absolutely and sug- gestivele hollow, Occasionally, when this queer affaic has become worn and dingy, an- other coat of paint fsiapplied, but this course deceives nobody unless they be strangers and view it from a long Way o T'wo hundred million dolla issue of this very imposing 's, the bank-note republic, is _likewise a figure when viewed by a distant observer., But he will find, by searching a littlo statistics, that allowing for her immense for- cign loans, this country’s real wealth has not increased one cent during the last five year Besides foreign loans, she 18 paying interest on her cedula dobt, The cedula_is exactly the scheme proposed by Senator Stanford of Califernia when he introduced his bill pro- viding for government loans to farmers. It is A mortgage bond authorized by government, issued by the provincial and national banks, and secured by mortgages on land, the inter= est on these bouds being guaranteed by the government. The cedula scheme struck this republic in 1882, and the people rushed into it with mouths character lly wide open. plastered the country ail over with ced In eight years the amount of mone, borrowed in this w has been $110, per inhabitant, against nee and #10 in Sweden, the highest Kuropean countries. And now it is discovered—and here is the HOLE IN THE STATUE that the land upon which these motes were issued v in many cases estimated at two or three times its real worth, so that behind a good part of thisnoteissuethere is absolutely 1o value whatever. A very large sized hole it is, and fresh coats of paint in the shape of new issues only serve to bring outits dark outlines more distinctly. Revolutions, crooked politics, worthless im- migration, and harum-searum financeering— ip is an interesting picture of improvement, isu’t it And yet I really believe that Ywhen apd ‘if and “provided” several hundred desirable and improbable lhlngz come to puss, the Argentine Repu get upon its feet again, or at am «ome 0s near to it “as can reasonably be ex- pected.” And the London Times thinks so. too. Cuanies H. Pratr. e — PEPPERMINT DROPS, A son of Mars—A boy with a stepfather. Dall care keops our noses to the grinstone, but never puts its own there. “‘You're just the man I've been laving for,” as the brickmason said to the contractor. “I would give anything if 1had & musical ear.” “Why don’t you take quinine?’ “Qui- nine!” ‘Cértainly; quinine will make your ears sing, Sawts are not made in a day, but sinners can be m: ina moment, Sitting Bull begins to think it time he got. up. One wouldn't object to hold the mirror up to nature if it was a good-looking lass. In orderto stand up under misfortnne it frequently becomes necessary to stand up s friends. *‘Does the celiar leak!” *Na two feet of water in it ever since 1 Nota drop has got out.” joy to the heart of Anthony Com- stock to read about aship skirting'a bare headland. 'he most dreaded vesult of the Indian ex citement is the revival of all the Sioux-p anuated jokes on the subject. He (at | )—I declare, the lamp is going out! She—Yes, the lamp scems to have some idea of tim Scribbler T have just lots of fun writing my jokes. Eriend ~Then that explains it. 1 wondered where the fun came in. Bingo—Dear me, ['m tired. My wife got me up at 6 o'clock this morning. Kingloy — What did she get you up so eal Bingo—She wanted to cateh the noon truin. Sanso—~When 1 was in China- Roda— I never knew you Hgd been in Chm Sanso —I was once when | was i college. [ was jammed through the carth in u football tackle. A Night since so thereby, Christmas would be very lonely if Santa Claus failed tolend us the light of his pres- ents, X-mas-tide is full of #10derness, A Christias pm.-m —this one. The da think more of Christmas 6vo than ur their first mother. *My dear you have traveled in Africa! Do the African ladies suffer as much as we from the tyranny of gt Y0, nu,tln‘ ladies there have special privileges “How I long to be there!” ‘“As [ was going to say, atail the banquets the lady captives are always first eaten, Husband--The marks on my collars aie getting so faint 1 can't read them, Wife— you would get another botle of ible ink. t's had been in of the Garter—Christmas eve, many stockings are suspended nparalleled Offcr. wvith o w4 e e tos Ta desr at 0 cut ' dhe plture of our UEBEF Full engras e s, pn Dew gensine ¥ awh apeeiud el 01 plat ) ver roveinen 3| P I 1l exprons charges aud It is h..r.,mn-r....‘, 4y uotbiag and it e e o et EAR TR i e ':m ons o (0 Sl 0 e g suoetion. Cuh aaihing v b THE NATIONAL 1#F0, & IMPORTING CO. (lacorporated.) 91 & i33 Clart: St., Chicago Planta Bealrics WHAT IT % WILL DO, Produces a Beautiful Complexion, Whitens a SallowSkin. Re moves Moth'gn d Liver Spots Prevents Sanburn and Tan. To Traw slers 1t [s Indispensable, Keeps the Skin perfect in any Climate, PLANTA BEATRICE, PER JAR 5 FLESH WORM PASTE. Skin Refiner and Pimple Remover, Will refine a COARS| ROUGH, POROUS SKIN, & positive cure for PIMPLES, eruptions, and entirely Tomoves that disagrecable It S with which s0 many are amiciel. Per jar, 81, e goods Are absolutely PURE and HARMLESS and can be oblained at the followlng representative aruggists': laslie & Lesll and Dodge Streets. rner 15th and Douglas street Line. 1402 Douglas street. Richardson Drug Co,, 1007 and and Wholosale Agents 1011 Jones streot, Or of Sole Manufacturers, London Toilet Bazar Co., 88 and 40 West 234 St,, New York. Wholesale Office, No. 2) East 17th 8t. Treatise on the complex bove add ress free or sent o any address o o recolpt of 4 cta into | NEW YEAR AND PARTY PRINTING. Ball Programs, fifty designs. Invitations, fifty designs, Wedding Invitations, all styles Birth Announcements, Mourning stationery, Death announcements. New Year Announcements, New Year Cards. Fine Commercial Printing. Dan C. Shelley, Superior Printer, Fourteenth and Farnam ¢ (A N. M. Ruddy, Practical Optician, 211 South 15th Street, e T 85,00 {8475 Gold Eyeglasses Genuine Lemaire Opera Glasses.. A good steel framed Spectacle correct- $].UU [yEtted e g Artificial Human Fyes. Largest stock in the west. Selections sent to customers outside the city. "R EF\LKE COUGHS OR COLDS . F. C. Werner's COUGH DROPS Are highly recommended after seven years of successful experience by the sole manufacturers, Kopp, Dreibus & Co., STEAM CONFECTIONERS, 1106 Farnam St,, Omaha, Neb. Sold everywhere, 50 per package. Send for samnles. Chinese and Japanese ¢ NOVELTIES s DO Holiday Presents. Silk embroidered gowns for la- dies’ and gents; silk smoking Jjackets; fine china ware, fire screens; fancy baskets, fine em- broidered table cove handker- chiefs and shawls; carved sandle wood bric-a-brac and thous- ands of novelties which make appropriate and suitable pres- ents, that cannot be found else- whereinOmaha. Chinese lillies. TEA and COFFEE. | WING TAL, (CRIO STORE 521 N. 16th St.——— Osthoff Block. ST. :\\l)I\l ASBERG CAN \I\H\ Canarle in your life chonpy MAX (JLISLI:R 417 S. 13Lh Sl..Olnth iOR LADIES’ SHOES POLISH. Try one bottle and ‘ou will use no other polish for your Shoes. Only Shoe Dressing ever awarded a silver medal. ARC and INCANDESCE NT Isolated Electric Light Plants. (The U. S, System.) Electric Motors and Generators, for prices and estimates. H. H. HUMPHREY, Agent, New York Life Bu Iding Omaha, Neb. Write hour cu s, maule or . FORLADI¥S ONLY--Dr. Leduc's Feriodic the Fronch remedy, act on the menstrual s from whatever cau pills should not bs 't Pill Co.,, Royalty |~m! A ¥ A e ik Th Bugale, N. ¥, Don'tprefer VIOE ‘to ADVICE. DR, GLUOK, EYE AND EAR, Farker Block, 16th and Faroam. Telephoue 64 © Tell your Grocer & you must have ium. quantities named. ren. In striving for these iums. loaf. three and five o’clock. HOLIDAY Sl\nl(x Bn) lery, Sci SOI's 1407 s . - lhut Person Had. sive their Iu'emh may b Seventeen yoars experionce (heureatent suc yous, Chr nd P'ri oFmatorthene, Lot Nanbosd, & of the Blood, 8kin und Urin ure. Consultation free. Book 0 12 Btove repatrs of all descriptions for caok \ttachn Telephone 96(_) Nothing Chests of Tools, Fine Pocket Cut- and Scissor Cases, ers’ Triple Plated Knives and Forks, ~“WHAT A TERRIBLE BREATH This is not all, in a cavity of decay is constantly being swallowed and the cause of diseases of the stomach, which in many ce other complicated diseases of the general system, should be then, to keep your mouth in a clean and healthy state, forso much of your health, comfert and happiness depend upon it. DR. BATLEY, The Dentist, And have your mouth locked over. NO CURE! Dr.DOWNS 1818 Douglas Street, Omaha, Neb. A regular graduats in 0’0 Dis 3, Night Losses. | N B 1 guarantee §40 1. steries of Life) sent freo When SANTACLAUS Soar comes their way; RBAN 3oty MADE ONLY BY NKFAIRBANK&CO.cpicAg, geta Christmas Present Sfor e / Commencing Monday morning, December Ist, to every loaf of GARNEAU’S BREAD, there will be attached a red tin tag. Your grocer will give you a circular containing a list of prem= iums to be awarded buyers of our bread and holding tin tags, in tha These premiums are suitable for grown persons as well as child= premiums you pound loaf of bread for Be, but also a tag which, when the proper quantities are collected entitles you to a premium, You may take your choice of any of the articles noted on the cirs cular, providing you have the necessary number of tags. One person may get enough tags to receive two or more preme \ not only get a Do not delay; this chance won'’t last very long. Be sure you geta tin tag stamped ‘“Garneau’s Bread” on every Premuims awarded every Wednesday and Saturday, between JOS, GARNEAU CRACKER G0, 12th and Jackson Streets. HIMEBAUGH &% TAYLOR IRIINNRE G00DS ‘ Carving Sets, Rog- Tea, Table and * Omaa, Neb. S[00, 9] S Save these tags, deliver them to our office, and get a prem- full I Could Hardly Talk With Him,” Fhere is not a person wha reads this that has not bhoth heard and made a similar ex- pression to the above, perhaps many times, yet few r-ver think what the cause is. Nine cases outoften a bad breath is caused by decayed teeth. These cava- ties of decay form recepticles for the accumulation of food which bacomes decomposed, hence the otfensive odor. One decayed tooth will often make the breath almost unbearable tothose with whom you converse. It being a sensitive subject to mention be- tween friends frequently one goes in ignorance of how offen- The decomposed matter equently s bring on How important it Visit Examination and advice free, Office 312 Paxton B’ldg. Telephone 1085, 16thand Farnam Sts. NO PAY. Aeine, as diploms show, Ls stil) treating with A permanent eure g ranteed for Catarrh, Syphills, Strictura, and all dis- ery case | undertake and fall to Olicehours—0a m. ot p. m Bundays 10 pote OMAHA STOVE REPAIR WORKS 1207 Douglas Streeot. heating stoves, tamily and hotel ranges. nis o spocinlty, Wates ROBERT UHLIG, Proprietor, C. M. EATON, Manager, -9 “