Omaha Daily Bee Newspaper, January 19, 1890, Page 10

THE OMAHA DAILY BEE: SUNDAYy; JANUARY 19, 1800.~-SIXTEE THE CIRCUS AT THE CAPITAL, "It Is Undoubtedly the Blygest Show on Earth. POINTS ABOUT THE MUSEUM. Four Hundred Pounders and Living skeletons —Two Albinoos — The Mairy and the Hairless—The Funniest Man in Congress The National Musee. (Copyrighted 1890 by Frank G, Carpentsr,) AsHINOTON, Jan. 15. — |Special to congressional mu- soum is the most wonderful show inthe United States. The three acre tent 7 which covers it is our national capi- tol and the two i rings av either end of the build- ing are opened precisely at 12 o'clock every day. In one the senatorial acrobats balance the cannon balls of legisiation on the tips of the fingers and go their Rymuastics on the parallel bars under the eyes of Vice Pesident Morton, and in the other the 830 political giants and pygmies, clowns and freaks trot out and show them- solves to the buz-saw directions of the big- gest giant of them all, Thomas B. Reed, the spenker, It is a costly show. The people of the United States pay nearly $,000,000 a year to keep it going and the house of representa- tavos ring costs fully 2,600,000 yearly. T he nctors of the lower house are paid $1,800,000 a yoar in salaries, and the doorkeepers and understrappers who run the messenges and cloan the spittoons get 700,000 more. The actors of the senatorial circus cost us about £500,000 & year, and we pay just as much to John J. Ingalls, who spits fire from his mouth continually, as we do to George of Mississippi, whose chief distinction lies in the fact that he has sworn never to weara dress swit or ride in a carriage. ¥ A COSTLY SHOW. The most amusing part of the show is the the house of representatives. It is the cost. licst dime muscum of th.e nations and, as I Bit in the press gallery, the bigrest legisla- tive hall in the world lies below me. It eovers fully a quarter of an acre of ground and six man as tall as Stewart of Texas, who is over six feet in his stockings, might stand, one on the head of the other, and,if tho socks of the first rested on the floor, the gray hair of the sixth would just graze the ceiling. The room is thirty-six foet high and its floor is covered with 1,700 yards of green velvet of a quality so good that it must have cost 83 a yard. The light of the show room comes in through the csiling and this is made of iron and glass, This ceiling is made in panels which are vainted and gilded and each bears the coat of armsof a state of the union. Helow this ceiling all around the room run banks of galleries which termnate at the cdges of a great cen- tral pit fiftoen foet deep, which forms the bear garden of congress. In this wide pit the curiosities are caged. It is 151 feet long and fifty-seven feet wide and its walls are paneled in pink and buff paper, and around oach panel is a frame fine enough o bind a Titian or a Coret. In these walls are cave=~ like doors which lead to the cloak rooms, the barber shops and the lobbies of the house, and at each of the outer doors stand two men to keep the outside world away from the congressional animals, But let us take a look at the animals them- selves. There are 830 of them and they sit in half moon rows of chairs rising one above another on the sloping floor of the chamber. Xach has a little white wood desk in front of him with a id covered with blue baize. Be- hind each row of desks there are cane-seated office chairs so fixed upon springs that the sitters can lean back and put their feet upon ther desks whon they will. Dockery of Missouri is sitting so now. ‘The middie of this half-moon of rows is bissected by an usle, and on one side of this aisle are the democrats while the other side is given over to the republicaus. p Behind a marble desk and under the Amer- jcan flag, with the reporters above, sits the heud showman, Thomas B. Reed of Muaine. He is the most curious figure in the whole museum and i8 a freak of nature in both brains and body. Six feet two, his body is all muscle and his bald head, as big as apeck measure and as white as_a boy's new drum, i8 nothing but brains. He lacks the dignity of the ordinary ringmaster, Sitting, he leans over his desk, resung his football of brains on his veefy-like shoulders and playing with his gavel. ~ Standing, he throws his paunch 10 the front as though he would lay it down for the time on the speaker's desk, and shrowing his head back he pokes the gavel at the members as he bobs both it and his heaa o the front in counting the roll. He 18 the lughest-priced member in the whole con- ressional show. He gets $5,000 a year and @ 18 worth it. THE FAT AND THE LEAN. ‘The congressional mnseum has its fat men und its living skeletons. The fattest has mlready gotten & national reputation from his suderabundance of adipose tissue. His n is George Barnes of Georgin, He weighs 400 pounds and he says ho would not tuke 1,000 for & single pouud of his flesh. Ho is nearly six feet tall and from the center of hisspine to the button which rests over the center of his front he measures three eet, five and one-half inches, His flesh is solid and he carries it weil. He is by no means an intellectual nonentity and he ranks asone of the leading men of his state, He has been in congress for several terms and I am told by Georgians that he will stay here until he becomes tho fav old father of the house. Rife of Penusylvanla is as broad as he is long, and 1n fatness alone he may be called one of the freaks of the house. He bas been o tanner for she last twenty-two lfl s and he is a lving proof of the ealthfulness of the trade, He 1s & man of means as as of flesh and is the president of a railroad company as well as & congress- mau, The thin men of the houss are legion, Gen. Joo Wheoler does not weigh more than ninety-five pounds. Wickham of ‘Ohio has not un ounce to spare and John T. Cawe of Utah is all bones and brain, 1t is wonderful o think of the different amounts of beef it takes to run human brain. Roswell P, Flower with his 200 pounds of flesh and bone has made a fortune, while Jay Gould with IWKoundl of ainow has his tens of millions. McAdoo of New Jersey weighs about 100 pounds and he 18 brainy enough. McKinley Weighs 100 and Buchauan of New Jorsey kioks the beam at 225, It takes 4,000 ounces of flesh and bone that make up the speaker's welght to nourish the gray matter on Tom Reed’s cranium, and nearly the same amount is required to supply that used up duily by Baker of New York. General Spinola car- ries about 155 pounds under his big collar and the 140 pounds of Frank Lawler elevated him from & Chicugo saloon to the house of ropresentatives. One hundred and forty- five pounds have suficed to get up Henry Cabot Lodge's blogravuies of statesmen and all of Holman's economy is ground out under the support of pure bone and sinew. Ben Butterworth weighs 200 and the oil of €00d living as well as that of good nature shines forth from his countensnce. Dorsey of Nebraska gets along nicely on 150 pounds, and Charley O'Neill of Pennsylvania weighs 150, and his stomach is good. The total ‘welght of the house of represontatives is nearly 50,000 pounds and at the rate that we pay for the congression unimal show these men cost us just $00 a pound every year, Estimating them at an average height of 5 feet 8 inches their total heltmt is 1870 {eet and the average cost is nearly $1,500 o foot. It is the dearast beef and brain that 'Was ever sola or hired by weigut. CONGRESSIONAL ALBINOES. _There are two albinoes in congress and they are both men of weight. They are venor 0f Ohiv and Hreckenridgn of tucky. Hoth of these have bair as white -slacked lime, and the fuces of both f Brecken- b head. well padded and his hoad is stroug mkm w:pmr of broad shoulders. strands of hair are of the finest ot froxed r and his short full beard is of silver Heis s handsomo fellow and bis sreddar blue eyes ‘snap and his face grows and his hair seem whiter than ever when he makes a political speech, He is known as the silver-tongued orator of Kentucky, and he comes fightly by his elo- quence, for in his veins flows some of the same blood that produced John C. Brecken- ridge. He is well worth his £5,000 as a show figure, and ke comes out into the arcna At every political tussle. ‘The other albino, Charles Grosvenor, is now walking about the house with his hands in his pockets. Ho is a straight, good-look- ing long-whiskered freak, and he has as many outside tricks worth notinz as has Mr. Breckenridge. He is a_good spoaker, and 18 haopiest when engaged in_a politioal fight. He sirikes from the shoulder and des lights in espousing the extromest views of his party. THE MAIRY AND HATRLESS, Speakiog of hair the congressional animal show has ail kinds of color. There are twen ty-seven red heads in this congress as there was in the last, but the house has still its share from the brightest vermillion to_the brickdust hue, and from the black of Dal- zell of Pennsylvania to tho silky white fuz of Tom Reed. Fully one-third of the mem- bers are more or 1ess bald, and this baldnoss runs all the way from the little white spot as big as a fifty-cont piece which now appenrs in the center of Ben Butterworth’s crown to the vast expanse of rosy-white which covers the brains of Cole of North Carolina. Hitt of Illinois neeas the services of the seven long-haired sisters to revivify his scalp, and Hurry Bingham of Pennsylvania has no more hair on the top of nis bead than you will find about the rosiest dimple of Madam Langtry's cheek. J. D, Taylor of Ohio is fast becoming baid. McCreary of Kentucky has a forehead whichis climbing toyards his crown and thero is nothing but a fuzzy down left on the big heaa of Roger Q. Mills of Texas, Amos Cummings’ braius aro eating away bis hair and Adams of Iilinois has a bald spot the size of a trade dollar ab his crown around which tho remainder of his brown hair radiates. Cabot Lodge has short brown hair which stands up all over his head and La Foliette of Wisconsin is aflicted with o cowlick all over his cranium, Ashbell I\, Fitch of Naw York lacks hair. Crisp of Georgia would give $1,000 an inch to_have his bead replanted and Silver Dollar Bland will soon have a pate as white as the coins which -he believes the country ought w0 use, Carlisle is fast growing bald and Holmin's hair is. thinning McKinley's head is still dark and well- thatched. Henderson of Iowa sports a mag- nificent brush of iron gray, and McComas of Maryland has hair as thick as the fur of the seal and as black as the raven. Martin of Texas ofls his hair with bear's grease, and the locks of Ex-Speaker Banks are thick and well brushed, though they are whiter than snow. Cheadle of Indiana has brown hair and a sandy beard, and he is a freak of the first water, and it was ho who by his movement in favor of Milburn made the democrotic blind parson the chaplain of con- gress, HISTORICAL CURIOSITIES. Our historical curios are numerous in this congress. Buckalew of Pennsylvania was United Stutes minister to Equador before the war, and he was a United States senator in 1563. Heis a smooth-faced dark complexion man of sixty-nine years of age, and he has as yet made no remarkable specches. Banks of Mussachusetts is one of the most noted char- acters in American history. That tall, straight, slender, fine lobking man with the gray mustache and the mass of snow white bair is he. He sits pear the speaker on the republican side of the chamber and he has as much iron in his blood as when he learned the trade of ma- chinest in a cotton factory. From mechanics he went to the law and he was elected speaker of the nouse of representatives as a knownothing in 1855, He has been governor of Massachusetts, was a general during the late war and has fora number of times served in the house. ‘Whitthorne of Tennessee has been in_the senate and McCreary of Kentucky and Gear of Towa have been governors of the states they represent. Ex-Speaker Carlisle may pose as an his- torical curiosity and General Joe Wheeler, that tight little dark faced-man with a long beard was one of the most noted cavalry leaders of the confederacy. Out of 830 members fully ove-half have war records and there are ninety union soldiers in con- gress and eighty-five confederate ones. Hooker of Mississippi,one of the most noted of the southern members lost an arm_on the battlefield and it was in battle that Hender- son, Bootman of Ohioand Laws of Nebraska each lost one of his legs. THE LITERARY FEATURES, There are some literary curiositles in this great show. Amos Cummings way be called tho editorial freak of the house. He isabout five foet eignt inches high, dresses in busi- ness clothes and has the student's stoop. His faceis fair. He has a broad forehead, dark brown hair and a sandy mustache which hangs down over a 2ood mouth, He sits in front of the speaker and writes at his desk ull day long using a percil and a pad of print- ing paper. He carries on & newspaper bureau in addition to his congressional work and doubles the amount of his congressional salary with his pen. He is the only man in congress who writes editorials at his desk sud he reminds ove of Horace Greeley who did work while he was in the house and ‘Whose famous wileage expose has hecome a matter of hstory. Ex-Governor Ding- ley of Maine is the editor and proprie- tor of a newspaper. Boutelle also owns a mnewspaper and O'Donnell has 4 paper in Jackson City, Mich., which is said to pay him $10,000 a year. John T. Caune, the Mormon delegate, is interested in the Salt Lake Herald, which 18 & paying sheet ana well edited, and Henderson Henry Cabot L,odge adds to his income by writing ‘works of political biography. He haa a num- ber of books in the American Statesmen series and his pen is a fluent one, CONGRESSMEN WITH HOBBINS. Judge W. H. Holman of Indiana 1s the economical freak of the housa museum, He has been here for twenty-four years and during the whole of that time he has been cutting down the expenses of the government on every item. His knowledge of the cost of things is wonderful. He knows to a cent just how much every charwoman in the treasury gets and he can tell you to a mill what every brick in the new peunsion buila- ing cost. He is known as tho great ‘‘ob- jector” wnd he hes killed many a bill by sliuging out his long finger av the spenker and saying “I object”’ Judge Holman is six feet tall ‘and a foot and a half broad across the shoulders. . His business are hung upon his frame and nature has been as stingy in he> appropriation of fat to him as he is to the civil service in his giving out of the government funds, beurd is now turning to iron gray brown hair has many white strani He is fond of tobacco and he sits in us seat with his pencil in his hand and figures and chews all day long. He is fond of fine cut but when he makes his campaigns in Indiana he is said 10 carry @ plug of pig-tail twist which he offers to his constituents, He is too economical to allow bis voice melody and fullness, and he rasps out his speeches with the sound of a buzsaw when it strikes a koot. He gestures in pump-handle atyle, and he is in short a statesmah of the blue jeans Williams type, Heis @ kind hoarted fellow withal and is as honest as the day is long. He is worth about #100,000 and has a tine farm in southern Indiana. Silver Dollar Bland has made all the repu- tauou he has out of the bill which boro his name. 1am told that Senator Allison is the author of the bill, but that it was given to Bland and ho got the credit of it. Bland is @ semi-bland, brown-whiskered, common- faced man of fifty-four, He dresses in bus- ness clothes, and ovidently wears' bis suits a long time. He looks more like & country grocer thun & famous congressman, and he evidently nas not a surplus of the silver which is being coined in his name, He comes from Ohio, and first came to congress in 1808 from Missouri. THE FUNNIBST MAN IN CONGRESS, Ho is too good a fellow to be called the clown of the congressional museum, is Allen of Tupelo, Miss. Allen 18 possessed of the genius of humor, Fun shines out throu, overy line of his solemn face, aud he is the best after-dinner speaker at Washington, Straight and slender, with the sallow com. ploxion of the south, he has a low forehead which is rapidly rising through his paucity of hair towaras bis crown. He has & brown mustacue, bfichl bluck eyes, and s face like & funeral, He 1s & #ood speaker, and is of good abilities 1a other w.ll than those of humor, He is the onl{ wit left in oongress, and he is the prince of those who have gone before. He outshines Jim Bel. ford and throws O'Neill of Missouri and Tim Tarsney of Michigan into the shade, Ho 1sa botter story teller than was Sam Cox, and he could make a furtuue as @ leoturer. THE TALLEST AND THE SHORTEOT. ‘I'he tallest man in the houss is sull Stews wrt of Texas, aud the shortest s litile La Follette ot Wisconsin, Stewart s big all over. He weighs close to 275 pounds and he has aleg as big around as Joe Wheeler's watit. Ha bes beea In congross for alx years, and his speeches in the Congressional Record, if the pages were pasted together, would not bo as long as his frame, La Fol- letto is nearly a foot shorter than he is and has twice the reputation on the floor. He 13 8 member of the ways and means committee and notwithstanding his five foot three mches, his 100 pounds weight and his boyish look, he has made a place for himself in the house. He appreciates the disadvan- tage of his size and it1s smd that he once had a great ambition to be an actor, He calied upon Edwin Booth and asked his ad- vice about studying for the stage. Booth told him that he had no doubt that he p sessed histrionic talent, but he said; refer- ring to one of Shakespeare's plays: ‘“‘Sup- pose you were fighting a duel in which you were to bo the leading character; you would probably hear a cry from the gallery asking your opponent to take one of his size. You are a bright fellow but you are too little to be an actor.” La Follette ¢hen dropped the stago idea, studied law and 18 now making a reputationas a statesman, OTHER ATTRACTIONS. The new congressmen furnish their share of the curiositi The only_colored man in congress is Cheathem of North Carolina, who is a bright-eyed, well-dressed, ginger- bread mulatto who has been a slave and who is a college graduate and a lawyer. “‘Rising Sun'’ Morse is a broad-faced millionaire from Ma: husetts, who makes a big head look bigeer by a pair of t side-whiskers. He started in ife by pedaling stove polish, and he is now devoting himself to sending goods from the agricultural department to his constituents. John J, O'Neill, one of the funny men of the last hause, is succoeded by a millionaire, and one of the brightest of the new men from Missouri, a black-haired brunette named Frank, who is all nerve and brain. Another nervous little fellow is Wil- son, from tho state of Washington, who tells enough good stories to enablo him to laugh himself fat, but who is as thin as a rail, and who looks as overworked as the horse of a bobtail car. Carter of Montana is a middle- aged man of moro than ordinary ability, He is tall, brown-haired, fair-faced and has straw-colored chin whiskers, Hansbrough of Norta Dakota is a rosy-cheeked, brown-mus- tached man of thirty who rejoices in coming from Devil Lake, and who is an_editor. One of the curiosities of the houseis Bullock of Florida, who states in the directory that he has a family of thirtesn children. He does not say how many of his children ure girls. He is sixty years of age, has nided in founding a female institute and has rased enough of a family to start this acad- emy. Hitt of Illinois wears a red necktie, Bayne of Pennsylvania always has a peppor- and-salt business suit and Cabot Lodge parts his bhair in the middle. Willlam M. Springer never abpears in the house without & rose in his _ button- bole and Stahlnecker of New York prides himself on his glossy side-whiskers and is the handsomest man in the house. The youngest man is Magner of Brooklyn and the oldest in point of service is Judge Kelly. Martin is, without doubt, the slouchiest congressman, thongh he has improved since his coming berea few years ago. Henderson of Towa is the loudest. You could hear him acgose a ten-acre field. Boutell of Maine is andther loud talker and he gesturos quite as violently as he speaks. John D. Wise of Virginia is one of the most_eloguent of the southern men and Ben Butterworth can make as good a speech as any man on'the repuolican sideof the house, ~ All told the congressional show contains a number of rare animals and though at least 200 oat of the 830 amoug them could not make their $5,000 a ycar any place clse, fully one~third are worth the price paid for their employment and earn 1t FRANK G. CARPENTER. ——— Dying in Harness. John Boyle O'Reitly, Only a fallen horse, stretched out there on the road, Stretched in the broken shafts, and crushed by the heavy load; Only a fallen horse and a circle of woader- ing eyes Watching the frighted teamster goading the beast to rise. Holulhf_or his toil 18 over, no more labor for im; See the poor neck outstretched and the patient eyes grow dim; See on the friendly stones how peacefully rests his hoad, Thinking, If dumb beasts think, how good it is 10 be dead; After tho burdened journey, how restful it is to lie With the broken shafts and the cruel load, waiting ondy to diel Watchers, he died in harness. died io the shafts gnd straps, Fell, and the'great load killed him: one of the days mishaps, One of the passing wonders marking the city road, A toiler dying in harness, heedless of call or goad. Passers, crowding the pathway, staying your steps awhile, ‘Was it the symbol? Only death; why should ‘we cease to smile At death for a beast of burden! On through the busy street, . That1s ever and’ever echoing the tread of the hurrying feet! What was the sign’' a symbol to teach the tireless will, Does he who taught in parable speak in par- ables still? The seed of the rock is wasted, on heedless hearts of men, That gather aud sow and grasp and lose, labor and sleep acd then; Then for the prize!l A crowd in the street of ever-echoing tread, The toiler, cru?hud by the heavy load, is there in his harness, dead | t — PATTI AT SIXTEEN, When She Appearsd at Sa Salle, Til., in Company With Ole Bull. The following from the La Salle (Il1.) Republican is very interesting just at the present time: A number of resi- dents here have, during the past week or 8o, gone to Chicago to hear Adelina Patti. Many of them were not born when she sang in La Salle, as per the following announcement, which is a fac similie of the orignal except in the dXsYlnv type, which appeared in the La Salle Pross under date of Wednesday, August 20, 1856: Great Musical Attraction At the Baptist Church This Evening. Ole Bull respectfully announces to the . citizens of La Salle lnnd :Ilcmh,y that he will give positively only one il Grand Concert, On Wednesday Evening, August 20, Assisted by the following eminent artists: Adelina Partti, The Wonderful Vocalist, surnamed “The Young Malibran;” Louls Schreiber, The Great Cornet Player; Franz Roth, ' ' The Distinguished Pianist and Composer. & For particulars see Programme, Tickets 81. Reserved seats 81,60, to be had at J, W. Garfield’s music store, where adiagram of the house may be seen, Tickets also for sale at the' Hardy house and at the door. Doors open at 74 o'clock. commence at 8, Ole Bull was taken sick a day or two after that concert, and went up to the Sulphur Spring house, then kept asa hotel, where he remained for a week or more and was attended by the late Dr. H. M, Godlre{, then a resident of this g\m. Pattl stopped at the Hardy ouse, then kept by J, Anthony, for three or four days and roomed with the landlord’s dn:,hur. She wasat that time apparently filteen or sixteen years of age, swarthy as an Inaian and full of ginger. © She took great delight in carrying on 8 bandkerchief flirtation with a young man who was then a clerk in Cruickshank’s bank across the way in the Sharp bulldiog. Iu view of her brilhant and wonderful career and the universal fame ghe has achieved, this little reminiscence of her early life is not without interest. Concert to THOUGHTS T, LIGHTER VELN, Waifs From the World of Wit and THE KICKER'S NEW DEPARTMENT, It Will Be Editgd By a Gambler of Thirty Years Experience—Ex- cossive Politeness—All His: anlt, The Kicker'a New Department, Detroit Free Press: Last week wo established a uow department in The Kicker—that of answering questions concerning disputed points on games of chance, as well as making decisions thereon. Thess games will include ouchro, old sledge, saven-up, pedro, whist, keno, faro, roulette, ete., taking in, in fact, each and every game known to the sporting world. This department will be edited by an old gambler of thirty years’ exporience, and who carries sevon knifo-wounds and the scars of four bullets as proofs of his his literary caliber. The fact that such a department hit the bull’s eye is evidenced by the fact that we have added twenty-one new subsaribers within a weelc, and they ure still coming. We were intending to devote this space to religious news, but after looking the ground over, and dis- covering that there was nono to chron- icle, we gave way to the urgent de- mands of the boys amd instituted the new departure. It is the general belief that this will do mora to boom our town than if we had secured ,000 for a new government building. All com- munications intended for this depart- ment should be addressed: ‘“‘Gambling Department of the kicker.” Write only on one side of the paper, and do not attempt to write with blood. Polite and Untruthtul, Youth’s Companion: It is possible that there is sueh a thing as being too polite: at least, one may err in the di- rection of a too obsequious courtesy. It is said that a royal personage once asked a courtier what time it was, and the man remarked with a low rever- ence and with hated breath: “Whatever time your pleases.”” Doubtless the king would have beon better pleased with a less flattering and more definite answer, There is a tradition in a certain house that one of its guests was so polite that none of her preferences could be ascertained, and the following incident is always quoted in illustration of her phenominal courte **Now, Kitty,” -suid her hostess one morning, ‘‘we car'either row or drive this morning, which would you pre- fer?” s “Thank you; that will be charming,” was the nou-committal regly, and as her hostessafterward declared, *‘wild horses could not have drawn from her a further avowal,” Such careful Courtesy is often exceed- ingly amusing, and when used by an Irishman, one can fancy that it would ve provocative ‘of smiles. An Irish sailor once called the captnin of his ves- sel from a coffed house with the flatter- ing statement “*An’t plaze yér honor, the tide is wait- ing for ye!” y Surely the eaptain might have thought himself more than the equal of King Canute, who found, by aetual ex- periment, that“He was unequal to con- trol the sed. Perhaps the advice of a certain dear old lady applies to etiquotte, as well as to other affair® of .ife. ‘‘Speak the truth always,” she was wont to say, *‘but speak 1t gently. majesty A Tough Goose. Texas Siftings: Old Zack shuffed forward, ns his name was called, closely followed by the officer w ho had captured him in one of his nocturnal chicken- stealing expeditions, He held his cat- skiu cap tigntly under his arm, rubbing his wool:y "head thoughtfully with his disengaged hand. “Well, prisoner, what if your name?" ‘*Zacharius Tobias.” “What?” ‘Zacharias Tobias.” **Are you sure it is not Ananias I ain’t sure of nuffin’, yer nonor; but I spacts 1t'll b Donnis 10’ 1 gits out ob yere, ? **Well, Dennis—I should say Ananias ou were found in Deacon Smith’s chicken-coop this morning at 8 g’clock, I believe?” *“*Quarter pas’ three, yer honor.” *Well, then, 8:15, to be more exact. I 8UpDOse you went there to read 5 *‘Did you go there to read poetry?” “Eat pouttry? ‘No, sar; don’t” want no raw poultry ’bout dis niggah. Don’t eat poultry till it’s done cooked.” **Welly Dennis, I am afraid your poul- try will be cooked this time—your goose at least. Do you thini you can get it done 10 tairty days?” “It’s pretty tough, yer honor—"" 0'“Well, then, make'it sixty days, so as to be on the safe side,” And asold Zack moved away he mur- mured, softly, ‘‘Dun flxed it dis time; bound to get three square meals a day fur de next two months, sho’.” A Great Lmprovemant. Arizona Kicker (Detroit Free Press: Colonel Obediah Shaw, our popular register of deeds, has presented us wivh anew 38-caliber revolver of the Smith & Wesson make, as a token of his es- teem and affections, and we feel as proud as a boy with his first pair of boots. We have been,,ns some of our friends know, greatly hampered in our work during the past year by anold fashioned revolver which could never be depend- ed on'in an emergency. It was out of repair all along@he'line, and when we brought it down!'on a man we never felt sure which of us would get the con- tents, It was | also large for our plx)l i pocket, and on three or four occasions the other man had opened firedbbfore we could gev it out. When Arkansas Bill met us in front of Taylor's k one day last sum- mer and opened, 'fire he had pulled the trigger three ufl}qp before we could get our old shootingsiron on line with his left lung. We didn’t expect to drop him then, as the (hammer was out of true, but when we pulled he tumbled, and he lived lofg &tough to tell us that he made the mistake of his life when. he set out to remove the editorial head of Arizona's great weekly newspaper, This new weapon adds to our editorial zeal wnd enterprise,and puts the Kicker on a more certain foundation. We have had only one week’s practice, and yet we can draw it and send two bullets rlgfilng through a fellow-being’s carcass while an average school boy can get his mouth pucke: to begin the first line of Henry Clay’s great speech. We shall not be llflngd until we have done a littlo better than thar—five seconds better. Meanwhile, undy one hankerin, for our scalp can find us at the usi place, prepared to do the best we can under the circustances, He Objected o Oigarettes, New York Times: Three laborers were smoking their pipes durh&thu Boon hour & few days ago on South Fifth avenue when a well-dressed young man oame briskly along holding an un- lighted cigaretté in his fingers, ‘My man,” eaid he to one of the laborers, “will you accommodate me with a light?” ‘“‘Sortinly, sor,” roplied the laborer stolidly, and he fumbled about his clothing until he found a match, lighted it and passed it up to the young man. *‘Thanks,” said tho cigarette smokor, “‘but it wasn’t nesessary for you to light a matoh, I would as liof lighted my cigarotte from your pipe. “Oi don't doubf it. Sor, Oi don’t doubt it,"” returned the man. ‘‘but do ye soe, Oi wouldn’t as liv ye would, Whin- ever ye wanta light for yer siggerit an’ Oi have a match, it's yours, do ve see, but if Of don't n mateh ye'll niver light wun of thim things in my poipe.” The cigaretto smoker passed on some- what abashed. Preaching and rractice. Rochester Domocrar: He was'an old and benevolent-looking gentleman, and in company with several others he stood on the platform of a South avenue car one afternoon when it was raining and seats were at & premium. One of the men on the platform had been caught in the rain without an umbrella and he was wet. He was mad also, and used his time in cursing the weather and his luck and several other things sotto voce, T novolent old gentle- man heard and, tapping him on the shoulder, sai “Dear friend, don’t swear. It's a wicked and useless havit. It does not do u bit of good. Don't swear, I beg of you.” Tho car door was open and the B, G. stood with his hand on the casing of the door. Just at this juncture the driver banged the door shut and the old gentleman’s hand was pinched. The old gentleman howled with pain and called that driver more names and said more ‘‘cuss words” in a minute than could be writted in ten. The man who was wet reached over and rapped the old gentleman on the shoulder and said: *“‘Dear friend, don’t swear,” but be- fore he could say any more the old gen- tleman jumped off “into the rain fol- lowed by the laughter of the carful of people. Not So Bandy-Legg+d as He Linoked. San Francisco Chronicle: They sat ou the sofa. They had just come to a mutual understanding and he had measured her_ finger for the engage- ment ring, and they were in tho first throes of tender rominiscence. *‘You do not remember,” he said in a trembling voice—‘‘you do not remem- ber when you tirst suw me.” “Yes, I do."” “Did any little vhrill or throb tell your heart this happy moment would come? Noj; that could not be ex- pecte “*Yes; something did seem to whis- per thut wo might become man and wife.” *My darling,” he said, and he kissed her fondly. “Yes, I remember I saw you from the window leaving the house and I thought you were bandy-legged, and I thought how awfnl it would be to marry a bandy- legged man, but it was only the glass in the window that was uneven and made you,look so.” Couldn’c Kool Him Globe Democrat: Cautious Investor— How did you get at this natural gas, anyhow? Officer of the Company—We bore a hole in the ground till we strike whnt isculled a pocket of gas. Then we run it through pipes to the houses of con- snmers. “But mightn’t somebody else bore down and strikke the same pocket?”’ “‘Not in our vicinity. We own all the land for miles.” “Got a good title?” “Been examined by the best lawyers in the county and pronounced perfect.” “Any lawyers in your company?’”’ “I think we have not less than six, and some of- them own large amouats of stock.” O(Buttoning up his coat). *‘Six lawyers and only one Poclmu I've got no money to put in it, b’gosh!’ Disagreeably So. Boston Times: Hospital physican (looking into the ambulance)—The man 18 dead, His skull has been fractured and his face is beaten toa pulp. Where did you find him? Officer 7001—At the surprise party down the street sor. ‘“Who was surprised, did you say?” *“The corpse 1 t’ink, sor!” Whav is Necessary. New York Sun: A gentleman of stand- ing and reputation in the country was at an informal dinner given the other night to half a hundred New Yorkers. He was called upon for a speech. He chose for a subject ‘‘The Harrison Ad- ministration,” and when well along in his remarks he told what, in his opin- ion, were the chief requisites for office under this adwministration. “Gentle~ men,” said he, *'in order to get an office under Harrison it is necessary to be either: () A son of a president, ‘A son of a clergyman, *Or a son of a gun,” It brought down the house. A Candic Tramp. Texas Siftings: Gilhooly says he does not think it right to bestow promiscuous charity. | Not long since a hard-looking tramp stopped him and asked for a temporary. loan. Alvhough Gilhooly was disposed to regard the tramsaction more in the light of a permanent investment, he nevertheless advanced an entire dime. “Thank you, colonel, thank you. I 39 office room, yourself, gas, ether or electricity. cation. Open evenings until § o'clock Cutthis out. Mention thispapor, can tell by your looks that you know how a fellow feels who has had no edu- cation and has to beat his way,” replied the tramp in a wild outburst of mingled gratitude and candor, A Good Legal Practice. Philadelphia Society: Young Law- yer: *You have advertised that you are going to retire from practice and want to sell out.” Old Lawyer: ‘‘Yes. Do you wish to buy a good practice?” *“Yes, How many clients have “Two.” *Isthat a practice?” ** One’s a claimant under and the other’s fighting (They come to sixteen years. & contested wil an Alabama claim.” terms.) A Fearful Blunder. General Manager: “Angry parent— ‘What! been discharged after only one week’s work as brakeman? Son—VYes; they said 1 was too green for them, Parent—Well, well, I thought you were protty well up in that kind' of business. hat mistake did you make? Son—Called the names of the stations 80 the passengers could understand them first time. The Wrong Door. Time: First Prohibitionist—Yes, I saw Touchnot, ote of our leading pro- | bibitionist, coming out of the front door & saloon yesterday, Second prohibitionist—Youare right, and there is no excuse for it, either, Why, there isn’t a single saloon in th'h place that hasn’t a back door. I'll speak to him about it.” i — Tosist on haying the genuine RedCross Cough Drops, 6 cts a box. Sold every- where, L FUILLIL Bisssene SET OF TEETH ON RUBBER | For Five Dollars. DR.R. W.BAILEY, Dentist, Paxton Block, 16th and Farnam Streets. We Are Here to Sta $9 and having within the past two ymunnw largely increased our are now better prepared to turn out the best class of work, and much more rapidly than heretofore. ofteeth on rubber for FIVE DOLLARS, guaranteed to be as wel made as plates sent out of any dental office in this country. let others influence you not to come, but make us a call and see for We make a full set Do not Teeth extracted WITHOU'T PAIN, and without using ehloroform Filling at 1o west rates. DR. BAILEY, Dentist, Paxton Block. Take elovator on 16th street. Remember the lo- 16th and Farnam. MAX MEYER & BRO. JEWELERS, ‘Will sell for the next 10 days, at the Lowest Auction Quotations, all of the stockleft of our retail department. Some of the most desira- ble goods in Diamonds, Watches, Jewelry, Art Good Bronzes, Clocks, etc., etc. Remember the opportunit days only. Store for rent an will last but 10 Fixtures for sale. MAX MEYER & BRO. Cor. 16th and Farnam Streets. - L. M. PICCARD, Best Gold Spectacles Reduced B4.00 Ramge Block, Corner 15th and Harney Streets Omaha. WO00D'S Ice Tools WEGARRY a COMPLETE STOCK. WRITE FOR CATALOGUE AND PRICES. JAMES MORTON & SON, Agents. Telephone 437, 1511 Dodge St. A RINNEY, ELECTRICAL ENGINEER AND CONTRACTOR, REPRESENTING OHICAGD OFFICE Brush Electric Company. Estimates and plans furnished. Correspondence solicited, 882-888 N, Y. Life Building, Omabha. DEWEY & STONE, Furniture Company A magnificent display of everything useful and ornamental in, the furniture maker’s art at reasonable prices. ETCHINGS, - & EMERSON, ENGRAVINGS, % S HALLET & DAVIS ARTIST SUPPLIES 88 &5 KIMBALL, MOULDINGS, - 3 &5 PIANOS & ORGANS FRAMES, r WFSHEET MUSIC. 15613 Douglas Street, Omaha, Nebraska Ice "T'Oools HIMEBAUGH & TAYLOR, Send for catalogue, " 1405 Dougias St. MAX GEISER, Tmporter of and Dealer in All Kinds of man, I’ve lived off these two c\ienl‘?‘:}z’g 1 Blllfls] Fis]] all[l Rallfl Ammals BIRD CAGES, FOUNTAIN AQUAR. IUMS, SHELLS, ETC. IMPORTED BIRD SEED A SPECIALTY 417 S. 15th St, OMAHA - - - send "“-"-‘ val i el CVery b | ddres, -noolu.coll- 1811 Omal Dougias OTIS' Neb, ? n 4 Drgfisman, Complete ol vies, or E}*:Sh”..?fif:‘-:’y" nd Blub Prints furnished. 4 PATENT OFFIOB WORK A BPEOIALTY, GHICHESTER'S ENGLISH PENNYROYAL PILLS. AED CROSS DIAMOND BRAND, = Dr. JOHN C, JONES, DISEASES OF WOMEN, Oftice, B, K. Cor, 1%k sad Dougles Bla., Omabs Now L /] et