Omaha Daily Bee Newspaper, February 26, 1888, Page 9

EFFIE LLSLER. THE OMAHA DAILY BEE: FF1E LLSLER. BOYD’'S OPERA HOUSE. Priday and Saturday Evenings, §And Saturday Matinee. EIffile Eillslerl MATINEE, CAMILLA. Satirlay Nie Friday Evening, THE ROMANTIC COMEDY, HG Y PT A Daughter of the Nile. Two Nights, . March 2d and 3d. Harvey's Great Play, oman Al ot SATURDAY NIGHT. THE FUNNY MAN'S DOMAIN Mean and His 8hoes—Had to Pay to Hear His Own Lecture. CAPTURING A SCHOOLMA'AM. non Sight — Not All Are ully Made—The Girl With the Jersey — Couldn’'t Be Fooled With—Jokeles, Man and His Shoes. Kate P, Ward, How much & man is like his shoes ! For instunce, both a soul may lose. Both have been_ tanned; both are made tight By cobblers; both get left and right. Hoth noed a mate to be complete, Anud both are made to go on feet. They both need heeling, oft are sold, And both in time will turn to mold. With shoes the last is first; with men The'first shall be the last, and when The shoes wear out_they're wended new When men wear out they're men_dead, 100! They both are trod upon, and both Wil tread on others, nothing loth, Both have their ties, and both incline, When polished iu the world to shine, And both peg out. Now, would you choose To be u fan or be his shoes! Had to Pay to Hear His Own Lecture. Fairfield Journal:. Theodore Tilton was about to lecture at a well known hall in Maine. He arrived at the door unattended and inquired for the man- ager, He was informed that he was within, but could not be disturbed, as the lecture was about to commence. ‘an I go in and speak to him?” he humbly asked of the highly important ticke K “Yes, »u have got half a dollar.” Tilton produced the coin and pa into the hall to listen tohis own lecture. He enjoyed the joke much, and said it was a good lecture and well worth the price of admittance An Uncommon Sight, What means this huddling crowd, this jam- ming mass That blocks the street and will not let me pass Has some disaster fall'n, some one been shot, “That all the people hurry to this spoté Has some one suddenly been stricken ill? OF lius some scaip. been tappiag some one's il Pray can you tell what sight uncommon raws These ;eager people here! Ah! there cause. ’Tis not an accident, nor yet a scamp; Pis but & workmaun cleaning a street lamp. Not All of Us, “The seripture truly says that we are fearfully and wondorfully made,” r marked a dear little lord, as he gnu.d at John L. Sullivan. *“What do you mean by we?" grufily demanded the great man. “Idon't see nothin’ fearful about you.” The Girl With the Jersey. You can sing of the maid Who, in faultless attire Rides out in her curtained coupe; Her robes are exquisitely fashioned by ‘Worth— At eve they are decollette; But I, T will sing of a muden more fair, More 'innogent, too, I opine; You can choose from society’s erust, if you will, But the girl with the jersey is mine. 1 know her by all that 1s good, kind and true, I'his modest young maiden I name; T've walked with her, talked with her, Danced with her, too, And found that my heart was aflame; T've written her letters and swall lullct doux, Revealing my love in each line; ou “u drmk to your slim, satin-bodiced e's the But 155 gist with the forsey,is mine, Glad He Took It Back: Chicago Journal: “Do you mean to call me a liar?” asked one railroad man of another during a dispute they had on business. ‘*No, colonel, T don’t mean to call you aliar. On the contrary, I say you are the only man in town who tells the truth all the time; but I am offering a reward of $25 and a chromo to any other man who says he believes me when I say you never lie,” was the response. Well, I'm glad you take it hack ]yllull the other man, as the tiger-like ook of ferocity faded out of his fea- tures. Tab Dote Couldn't be Fooled With, Chicago Mail: A waiter 1n the Palmer house cafe—a colored man in conven- tional attire—handed a patron a table d’hote bill. The gentleman didn’t care for the card dinner and selected what he wante! “You don’t keer for de tab dote dinnah, den, sah?” said the ter. “I told you what I wanted,” returned the gentleman. **You want dat off do sab de dote bill?” queried the darky. “I don't care; I suppose s0; any way %o that get it."” Well, sah,” replied the waiter, “ef you want it off de tab de dote you has to have it all; tab dote can’t be selected from, sah; tab dote is French, and means de whole hog, sah.” Oh! Solitude, Where are Thy Charms? Now the soltary oyster, Torn from his shelly cloister, Transported from his cozy homo iu ocean's bed afar, New Ioneliness enduring, He serves as bait alluring, In o milk-and-water fish-pond ut the giddy church bazaar. Lenten Observances. Washington Cr Pull down the blinds. Square up with your butcher. Organize Sackeloth and Ashes clubs, Smother your laughter with groans. Hire a pew. Knock satan endwa Shoot the receptions, Stab tho teas. Kill the germans. Great is forty-d The devil b Where are power piety. ed from socigty. ur wings Nine hundred and sixty hours of Sunday. Don’t erowd the mourners, Mr. Devil Prop the church doors open. Society.is taking a nap during sery Ta ta, Devvie, old_boy; sce you later, Wat till after Easte! Whoop la! Capturing a Schoolma’am. Boston Courier: “Yes,” said the young man, as he threw himself at the feet of the pretty school teacher,*I love you and would go to the world's end for you,” “You'could not go to the end of the world for me, James. The world, or the earth, as 1t is called, round like a ball, slightly flattened at the Yolcs One of the first lessons in the elementary geography is devoted to the shape of the globe. You must have studied it when you were a boy.” +Of course I did, but—" **And it is no longer a thec }-ummulg\lul' have established the act I know, but what I meant was that I would do anything to ple Minerva, if you knew void There is no such thing asa void, Jumes. Nature abhors a vacuum; but admitting that there could be such a thing, could the void you speak if there was an ache in the aching "l mean to say that my life will be lonely without you, and that you aremy “thought and my pightly dream. I would go anywhere to ‘be with you. If you were in Australia or the north pole I would iy to you. 1" “Fly! "It will be_ another century be- fore men can fly, Even when the lawa Matinee, Camille. of gravitation ar come there will still remain, scientific authority, the dift ully ul' m.nnhumng a balance—" Well, at all events,” exclaimed the youth, “I’ve got a pretty fair balance in the savings bank, and I want you to be my wife. The . "I\\nlll James, slnu) you putin that ight, I— Let the curtain fall, Another Insult, Detroit Free Press, “Why toss your head ¢ He said To the maiden fair With auburn hair. successfully owr- bright eyes gleamed, hair she grew; Tl ‘white hoss' you!” She screamed. Rebuked by His Shocked Parent. l)l-lmn Free Press: ‘“Well, Bertie, ¢ you & good boy at school to- ked a Kalamazoo mother of her son of ten “You can jist bet I was,” replied Bertie. “The boy that's perfect in our room for a month is going to get a prize, and I'm going to_freeze onto it myself.” ‘*‘Bertie,” cried hisshocked parent, ‘I want you to stop using those vulgar slang words and phrases. Where you catch on to all of them is a mystery tome. Every other word you speak isa slang expression and I want you to drop it, sir, Talk about ‘freezing’ on to a thing! What are you giving us, boy? Do you expect me to tumble to any such vulgarity as that? Not if I know my- solf I don’t. Now, you light out, and let it be a cold day before I hear any more such talk from you, aud don't you for- get it.” What Had He Been Drinking. Washington Critie: A Washington girl visiting in Annapolis was con- stantly confusing the naval lieutenants of different grades. and some of the superior grade didn’t hike it. One day she was talking to one of these and 1n- nocently made the usual mistake. I beg your pardon,” he explained, with immeasurable hateur, *I'm a full lieutenant.” *“Oh, are you?” she twittered. “Well, you ought to be ashamed of yourself, ‘What have you been drinking?" She would have gone on but he did, and left her there convinced that he was telling the truth, e SINGULARITIES. Jacob Walton of Augusta, Ga., is lh proud owner of a duck that lays black L'“,za A hen in Bay City, Mich,, strangled to death in attempting to swallow’ a live mouse. muel Meyers, of Avon, 111, has raised a fine watermelon this winter on'a vine planted in his cellar, A pig having five toe-nails on each foot was butchered the other day by R. H. An- derson at Timmonville, 8. C. Mrs. Charlotte Cain, of Milton, Mass., is ninety-four years old, and her favorite pet is @ parrot which she has had for fifty-five years, A hawk attacked a litter of young pigs in Calvert county, Mauryland, the other day and killed one of them before it could be driven off. George B. Bromer of Sacramento, Cal., has a canary that is eighteen years old. Although it has been blind many years it sings as well as ever. A resident of Lee county, Georgia, has tamed blue jaysso that they fly down from the trees and perch on his shoulders as he walks around his gafden, The wife of John B. Shelton, of Pllu‘n, Mo, recently gavé bifth to three fine bo, weighing twenty-two and oue-half pounds. They have been named Abraham, Isaac and Jacob, A farmer in Jackson County, Michigan, has & spriing of warm water on his farm which in Wwinter keeps the snow. melted, for yi SBRUARY ' 26, 1883.~TWELVE PAGES TUESDAY and WEONESD February 28 and 29, A dramatic event. Farewell American tour of the gredtest LMing nctress, JANAUSCHEK. Supported by compagy of acknowledged abil- “Mary Stuart.” Wednesday Evening, ' Meg Merrilics” —ed e Taesday Evening, Regulur Prices, Securd seats at box office, SIWEEP GRAND OPERA HOUSE. B ] The management finds great pleasure in announeing that it has secured for a brief season limited to three nights & matined THURSDAY, FRIDAY and SATURDAY, Friday Saturday Eve Parquette. .. Family Circle Gallery,... Z__THE FA MOUs ——AND: P A$l.25 Dress Circle i Balcony. . G CHANGE IN' ALL DEPARMENTS. IN CURIO HALL—The Oldest Living Slave, A Relic of Slavery Days, Lewis George Clarke, The Original George Harris of Harriet om’s Cabin.” old, and his facul Second and He has lived past the t Beecher Stowe’s Masterpiece, “Uncle Ilotted time of man, is over 100 years ties are still bright. Last Week of SEYMOUR, Wonderful Mind Reader. Whose marvelous pow advertising from newspapers than an vs have set the eity to talking. He has obtained more freo y other man who has ever appeared in the city. around. The spring serves as . winter ren- dezvous for frogs. Here is a most romarkable alliterative coincidence: An Englishman named John Haight. who lives at Haight, Carroll county. Maryland, will be cighty-®ght years old the eighthi day of the eighth month (August) 1888, A farmer in Piscataquis county, Me., cut down a tree and hauled it home the other day. When he went to splitit up for fire- wood he was greatly surprised to find a big bear enjoying his winter nap inside the hol- low log. A lady in Grant county, Va., about sev- cars of age, recently had quite a severe of measles, upon recovering from which it was found that she was entirely cured from rheumatism, with which she had long suffered. Mrs. Sarah Taylor, a colored woman of Kuoxville, Tenn., has three married daugh- ters, By a remarkable coincidence Mrs. Taylor and her daughters each gave birth to a baby on the same day recently, Such un- animity is unprecedented. The engineer in a Montreal printing office saw what he thought was a large picce of paper on the inner rim of the flywheel of the engine, but five hours later, when the engine was stopped, the object was found tobe acat, very much demoralized By its long ride. Near Crawfordsville, Linn county Oregon, afew days ago Sylvester Cochran killed & large cougar while outhunting deer. He saw a deer. He saw a deer lying down and was just in the act of shooting it when the cougar jumped out of @ tree on the decr. A mountain lion trotting along between the high banks of snow on the line of the Denver & Rio Grande railroad in Colorado recently was overtaken and thrown high into the air. The animal landed on its feet and ran quickly away apparently uninjured. About scventeen miles southeast of St. Augustine, Fla,, and four miles from the coast, is a huge boiling fresh-water spring in the ocean with a diameter of fully fifty foet, The water rushes up with such _force that it is almost impossible for @ vessel to get near it. A hog in Cass county, Mich., attempted to root a rat out of hus trough,but the ratcaught Lim by the nose and held on,while the porker ran around the pen as if ‘mad, squealing loudly all the time. The outery attracted the owner of the hog, who seized a hoe and killed the rat. A woman of Jersey City, N. J., recently brought home a strange egg as a souvenir of a trip and placed it on the parlor table. One week after she was _surprised to see a little turtle break the shell of the egg and slowly crawl out. The heat of the room had hatched it A tortoise with the Insc bert, 1717, was found in Schuykill county, Penisylvania. The name proved to be that of a man who owned and cleared the land n the vicinity in the carly colonial times, On the shell of the tortoise were signs of great 350, pare of the lettering being almost oblit- iption, “H. Dei #ia negress has gven birth to a six- teen-pound child whose fingers and toes are webbed to their full length. One of her neighbors brought into the world a still more wonderful being. Its two eyeballs were in one socket, and in place of a nose it_had two- and-a-half-inch trunk, resemblir 7 that of an elephant. 's hospital, London, recently, ed the body of a drunkarn which was much bloated, It was found that when punctured and a lighted match applied to the gus which cscaped it burned with {1 ordi- nary flame of carburetted hydrogen. As many as a dozen of these flames were burn- ing at the same tme. Mr. and Mrs. Turknet, f d eighty sixty-five, respectively, jvho live near Cisco, Eastland’ county, Tex., have become the happy parents of a bouncing baby boy. The venerable couple haye (raised and mar) ried off a good-siZAd fangily, and now declare that they feel just yound snd smart enough 10 repeat the experience; essrs. Brock jthe English pyrotechuists at their foum]ryn Kcv\luundl.u.d dog which revels in fireworks. He rushes into u shower of sparks with, as much delight as most of bis kind display in @ cold bath; and on A“gh\&l squib beipg thrown within his reach he will run and trample the smolder- ing stump \‘lm }z Mr. Bake! Embry, Kan., seat word to his doctor one night thut Mrs. Baker had a severe’ attack of ‘chelera morbus, and be waated him'to coine out .v. once and r:lleve S0 LASSOCIATE ARTISTS in the Following Unparalleled Reperton‘e' Thursday nghc and Saturday Matinee .... Seats now on sale. March Ist, 2d and 3d C.A.RLETON‘ OPERA COMPANY. Unquestionably the most complete and capable Comie Opera Organization in existence, without excepti MIRR. YW. T. OCARLETON including SO DOROTHY ERMINI THE MERRY WA CLYTE, Living Half Lady, Most Mysterious of Beings. Leopard Boy and Trained Serpent, THEATORIUM NO. 1. Miller Bros® Dioramic Views, a Trip to New Zealand, Australia, Tasmania and the Sandwich Islands. BIJOU THEATER. REEVES & FEILDING'S NOVELTY ALLIANCE, the Bright Lights of the Vaudeville Profession. DOORS OPE FROM 1 TO 10 P. M. 10c XADMITS TO ALY, 10cC CHAIRS FIVE AND TEN CENTS. her. Anhouror two later the doctor re- lieved her of a ning-pound baby, much to her surprise and that of ber husband, neither of whom had any idea, they said, that such an event was about to happen. A largo cagle swooped down upon a hen beg longing to Mrs. Berry, who lives in Maric County, South Carolina. Mrs. Berry, who is seventy-four years old, attacked the 'bird, which roleased Its prey and scized the old lady by the leg, burying its talons one and a half iuches in the flesh. Mrs. Berry fell down and screar The eagle held on until Mr. Berry ran up and cut its head oft. George Holmes, a smallboy at Macon, Ga., was riding @ horse the other day when it The little fellow held on manfully, and as’ the horse dashed down the strcet he passed the house of Mr. and was _recognized by Mr. The dog evidently knew that the horse was running away, and, run- ning ahead of him, caught the horse's’ lip in his mouth and stopped him, so that M Chauncey, who ran up at the time, could catch him. The sudden halt of the horse threw Master George to the ground, but he was unhurt. The Baddeck (Cape Breton) Reporter s A queer fish of enormous size was caught on @ codfishh-trawl near Englishtown on Friday by Georgd Fader. It was twelve fect ten inches in length, and as big around as a pork barecl. 1t was'liko a hakie in appearance. The liver was quite a load for P. Musgrave and Angus Morrison to carry on’ the hand- barrow, and_ will make avout eight or ten gallons'of oil. _ All the fishermen came to see; none of them had ever scen so strange a fish, and could not give it a name. It was cut through with the splitting knife, showing flesh as white as chalk. Thera were no bones n it. in it, Ak 2 PEPPERMINT DROPS, 11!'& a wise child that knows its own birth- place. A popular boarder tale—T will scttle next week. The joker knows how to pull the guy ropes. “The only thing a chronic borrower willnot take is a hint. A good many dough heads are still found among the upper crust. Boston people have no cyclones, but they have lectures by Joseph Cook. There is a good deal of difference between “a flea in the ear and “a bee in the bonnet.’’ It would be a great thing for the world if .\\' gner had only died with all his music in himm It is the men who write poetry when they don’t have 1o that the public can never for- give. Cable street car companies should join some sceret society in order not to lose the grip. In spite of our best efforts our delinquent subscribers are holding their own—und a lit tle of ours. “Apple green will says 4 fashion note. mer cholera, Ashabby coat is no disgrace,but it is a great impediment to the successful negotiations of a small loan, Never ask a crust of a crusty man. Ask him for meat, for he'll give you ‘acold shoul- der with pleasure. The Grand Duke Alexis has become an ad- miral. Heis now prominent enough to be blown up by a bomb. ‘What are pauses "' asked the teacher of the primary class. “Things that grow on cats,” piped the small boy at the foot. A Charlotte Harbor man has seta hen on aligator eggs. The hen will think she has the jim-jams when the shells break. The reputation of the ground hog as a weather prophet is slowly but steadily full- ing to & level with that of Wiggins, Nutural gas has been found in Texas, and the determined natives have sternly warned Congressman Martin not to blow it out. Some young meun are brave, we know, but a young wan who accepts an invitation to a leap-yearparty is foolbardy, not brav “Ilive for those who love Philadelphia poet. If he is like most ama- teur poets, then, he hasn't much to live for, Landlady (to boarder)—*‘How is the butter, Mr. Dumley¢". Dumley (a produce broker) —“Quiet, but strong, madum, and in little de- maud,"” 1t is now "the ,season . of. sackcloth and be_the spring color,” It will also be the sui- ith ing wi eaming Burlesque, “The New Adonis. The Performance Conclud W. R. Goodall's Scr up betomingly and the ashos must. be uslics of roses. Mrs, Blogg (to inquiring straneer)—Yes, ¢ arc in a musical community. You have no how many executioners of music we have in town. Many a man who remains “at the office’ till late at night to balance his books finds considerable difficulty in balancing himself on hus way home. Bill Brown, a poor but honest N newsboy, went to Dakota seven yesterday without a rag on his bac 13 Goversa with toum: Family Physician—I am afraid you have ecn eating too much cake and sweet stuff, Letme see your tongue. Little Girl—Oh, you can look at it, but it won't tell. Dlgnatius Donnelly complains that the print- ers’ strike in Chicago has seriously d work on his book, Strikes are notalays 8o bad, after all. You may shout and fume und stamp and rage, Aund swear and hoot and blas But you'll nev With the Lorse car i A new st 'w York ears ago . Now he is past. 1 gun has been designed for our As the enemy appr le his attention is attracte o N @ nickel in the slot and see the gun go off, Kitty was on the lounge, as she could, and Katie was coddling her. “Oh, mamma,” she cried all at once, “‘my kitty has got & washboard in her throat, and | can feel the noise rub over it,” Selsby—Good moining, Mr. Grayson Can't I show you some of our new suitings and trouserings! Grayson—Not to-day. I only want a fow collarings and cuftin and, say, what can you give me in the way of good bootingst Mr. Jinks (to landlady)—What kind of a duck did you_say this was, Mrs. Dinkly? Landlady—"1 didn't say. .1 simply orderéd a duck from the butcher's.” Mr. Jinks (strug gling with a second _joint)—"1 think he has purring a8 loud sent you a.decoy duck.” | | | PRESS CLUB BENEFIT Monday Evening, Feb. 27th. e 1SIL] TONSULIT 18910 MUSEUM. 1018 - Farnam - Street, Max Meyer's Building. LIST OF CURIOSITIES NOW ON EXHIBITION, Tallest Lady Albino Giantess, 9-Foot Cannibal Glant, A Congress of Giants, Muedame Ashley, Snake Charmel Royal Marionetts, Moss Haired Lady. $10,000 Hcerodian Mysicry, A Genulne Circassiin Lady, pnograph --- wonder, ful Talking Machin Prof. De Glubo in Magle, Exhibition Afternoons & Eveningy Special invitation 1o Ladies and Chal dren, Admission ‘= 10 Centg CHILDREN, § CENTS, .-