Omaha Daily Bee Newspaper, February 19, 1888, Page 12

———————-_ INCIDENTS OF="THE ALTAR, My Wifc—A Oheptér on Mar- riage. COLLEGE GIRLS AND MATRIMONY., b ,( ° American-Clinewe Marriages — The Wife and the Mule—January and May—A Bashfal Bridegroom —Young Love's Triumphs, My Wife. Bhe's the dearest little lady And her eyes are doep und shady As she kneels. And her look of pure emotion Bhows how true is the devotion That she feels. She is plump, and oh, so pretty, With her no one in the ity Cun compare. Of her charms I might make mention, Her sweet eyes argrlike the gentian, Blue and rare. Bhe has hair of rie Softest brown, with Here and | . On her cheeks a hue reposes Like the hearts of blushing roses, Yet more fair’ 1 could read a page of Latin Sooner than describe the satin Of her gown. Of its shade there's no divining, 8o I watch its silken shining Looking down. tinting, d gleams glinting, Oh, she's such a dainty treasure! I cvuld never, never measure All her charms. 80 I it and lose the preaching, Only thinking now of reaching Her soft arms. On the sermon's speedy ending, All the hopes are now depending Of my life. My excuse, if you'll believe me, Full confession will r She's my A Chapter on Matrimony. Ban Francisco Alta California: We do not hail this compulsory competition for sel(-»uplmn by, women as a whole- some sign, for it is not. There is a remedy that is in the bands of young men. = Perhaps its use depends upon increasing the certainity of work and the stability of wages, and csrhnpn, too, these must follow its use. ho can tell? This remedy is in_wife-seeking by young men. - We dai not agree thata married woman’s IiF is one of depend- ence, for it is not. In the management of her household and the nurture and culture ‘of her chifdfen, she is self- supporting in a higher sense than when working for wages merely to support her own necessities, Withdrawn from the wage-working ranks; the disappear- aneé of her competitidn adds to the volume of wages the margin between the cheaper labor “and e higher wages of a man, andJier.influence upon the temperance. and frugslity of her husband usually so far ¥gstrains. his useless or vicious expenditures so as to net in the volume of fea a0 amount equal to what she would¥n. As a social force, tendin@jo a better and more orderly life in man who mArries her, she becomes €¥host impor- tant agent of the state. She stand¢ in the place of prison and policeman, of indga and ju So the married woman s crowned with much honor and her life is full of glory. The advice to young men to marry is not limited to thoso who confess them- selves wage workers, but is applicable to those who boast of belonging to the salaried class—clerk, bookkeepers, sol- {citors, agents, foremen, bosses, etc. A man can marry sensibly and safely on 810 a week. At $20 a week he is without excuse for celibacy, and at a wage above that his abstention becomes almost a crime against society. He is almost sure to be wasting a large share of his earnings upon the major vices. He is a menace to virtue, a promoter of debauchery, a danger to the state. 5 If young men will not mdgry the up- right girls in their own statipn,who are willing to help found o homd they must expect to meet these girlg ia the strug- gle for self-support as wage workers in an increasing competition, which adds continually to the evils of society that flow from a lack of the normal percen- tage of marriages. r “inally, wages adjust themselves to a celihate society. In one of hisdecisions involving a question of labor and wages Justice Field has wisely said that wages in this country should be adjusted, not to the standard of self-support for_ the wage-worker himsell. They should be determined by the higher standard of his lbll!t{I to maintain respectably his wife and his children. To provide for them a comfortable home, which he owns, and the means to enjoy the wor- .MK #nd its elevating influences, and to seel roper schooling and culture. Therein he utterefghe law and the rmpheu‘ upon the*issue, which in- nvolves not only the domeéstic happi- ness of the individual, but the nro'.y wnd greatness of the state. ‘College Girls and Marriage.’ This is from a Vassar girl, who writes to_protest against: the many gibes at college girls which appear from time to time in newspapers. What is there, she asks, in a college education incom- patible with matrimony? Is a love of study and culture nfiamunistiv to perfect womanliness, and™-“perfect wifehood? Are the terms love and Latin, marri and mathematics, so incorrigible? ~Why, then those ranks of rosy-cheeked maidens, those tastefully decorated rooms one sees in the halis of girl grad- uates, those frequent desertions of the ranks of spinsterdom recorded in the annals of their past, not to speak of their many unrecorded womanly acts and offices? We hear frequently of the terrible dangers of over-study and e. . amivation to the delicate nervous or- ganization of our sex. But what of the ually terrible dangers of indolence, aimlessness, late hours, or social excite- ment which beset tie poy-studious, and develope fully as » Tysterical sub- jects as does the muyjch maligned over- study? There are.spdants whose am- bition causes them .to disregard the warnings of common sense, who trust to eram and frantic spurts rather than to a clear brain and steady work; but such are the exceptions. hy should they be quoted as the representative student who finds rather a safeguard from mor- bidity and ill helth in the regular hours, congenial io¢tupation, pleasant companionship, plain fare, and outdoor exercise of a student's lise at college? American-Chinese' Marriages. Chieago Heraldy. Dr, George B. ‘Walker, who has an office in the Mor- rison building, lays claim to the titles of doctor of medicine and doctor of di- vinity, and he performs the oftices of both whenever the opportunity offers itself. The stato board of health is dis- puting his l'ifihl. to ‘attach M. D. to his namo, but it has not made any effort to interfere with his practice pending a sottlement of the trouble. Thoe doctor’s chief wsotuluess as u D. D, has becn his friendliness to young ‘Chinamen who ired to become the husbands of white il “Hhe has wlennlud;n less :’h\;n nine of these que arringes, and, in fact, he. can ‘hy% 1o the fact of belng the pioneer jb the business, for it was ha who married Sing to a buxom German girl about two, ngo. Sing Lue, who is a sart m}m er among Chicago's yellow fin tants, was 80 well untlnlle; with the doctor’s work that he has given him & practicsl monopoly of Chinese weddings, and his wife has devoted most of her time to finding girls who were. willing to marvy Chinamen. She has been . successful to a remarkable degoee, for there are no less than & hundred Oriental residents in Chicago who have white wives, and nearly all of them'owe their happiness to Mrs. Sing Lue. Her latest y in the match-making line resulted in the marriage of a young German girl to Quong Yick, a Wellsstreet laundryman, on Monday. Dr. Walker tied the knot in this instance, but he did not make it secure enough to hold the new Mrs. Yick true to her vows, for within four hours after she left his office she fled from her almond-eyed spouse and took refuge with her mother. the Mule. Chicago Times: ‘‘We are presented with the absurdity that a wife may sue her husband for beating her mule, but not for beating herself.” Judge Wat- terson decided that Mrs. Crocker could not sue Crocker for beating her. If the provisions of common law which sustain this decision ‘‘are to be altered, it must be done by legislative dction.” Ah! there’s the rub. The common law pro- tects the mule, but allows the husband to chastise the wife, provided he does it with force proportionate to her offense. He may not do it with a clab, but he must take a rod the thickness of his thumb. A stout hickory or willow switch is within the common law. Crocker knew this, probably, and also that -Mrs, Crocker had no way of influencing “‘leg- islative enactments.” There are some modifications of thé common law in municipal affairs, and the mau who whips his wife does not always com- mand as high social positian as he once did, but still other Crockers can_ cut other switches and lick other Mrs, Crockers reasonable without danger of suits for damages. Many husbands have yet a great fondness for the old common aw, the older the better. Regently a reader of the New Ydrk ‘World asked that journal “‘if there was any way of compelling the father of a large family, who is in the habit of beating his grown-up girls for the most trivial oflennenl to keep the peace, with- out publicity.” The World replied as follows: “*In a case like this the grown-up girls would be justified in using their united strength to tie their brutal father to a bed-post and kncg him there until he would promise to desist. A taste of his own medicine, or a little hot water trickled down his back, might help him to reform. If this is impracticable,a con- fidential statement of the facts to a po- lice magistrate might secure from that official a private admonition to the brute that he would be arrested and punished if he did not_stop his barbar- ity. Wife-beaters and girl-whippers ought to be flogged at a whipping-post.” To the last sentence no respectable citizen objects, and yet wife-whipping is a very common crime. There is no ad- equate punishment for it, and no day passes in which cases do not occur, gutr rageovs and shameful. It is probable that not one in a _hundred reaches the B:buc. A special punishment should provided for wife-beating. The mere fact that there existed such a statute would protect many poor women. Besides this, it would empha- size the scorn of the public for the brute who bets the woman he should protects with his life. The old common law has more respect for a mule than a wife, Januury and May. Edith Johns, aged seventeen, was re- cently privately married to Jesse Tyson, aged sixty-five, at the residence of the bride’s parents in Baltimore. - Owing to the great disparity in the ages of the contracting parties, the wealth of Mr. Tyson, the social prominence of both, and the postponement of the marriage, which was to have taken place some time ago, whereby a fashionable au- dience that had gathered at the church to witness the ceremony was left 40 shiver in the cold, there was wide- spread interest in the event. It was intended to have celebrated it elabor- utely at Emanu El-church, but the death of Mrs. James Tyson, sister-in- law of the bridegroom, necessitated a change of programme. Only the imme- diate families of the bride and groom and a few special friends were present. General Laughren Wister, of Philadel- phia, acted as best man and a younger sister of the bride as bridesmaid. Itis stated on good authority that during the afternoon Mr. Tyson settled $100,000 on his bride-elec The Ceremony Repeated. Atlanta Constitution; A romantic marriage was performed ‘at the little town of Newton, N. C., which attracts much attention, and is the sequel of a curious complication. Scventeen years ago Mrs. Elizabeth Ferguson was living in Rowan county with her first husband, John B. Ferguson. One day. he, on some pretext or other, went to Georgia. The wife patiently awaited Hhis return for two years. and finally heard he was dead. After many years of supposed widowhood, she went to live as a house- keeper in the family of Mr. A. Hale, a wealthy retired jeweler of Char- lotte, who had moved on a farm he owned in her neighborhood, on account. of the delicate health of his wife. Mrs. Hale died, and eighteen months ago Mr. Hale married Mrs. Ferguson. They lived happily until a month or two ago, when it was discovered that Ferguson, after going to G rin, had married another woman and < was still alive. Steps were at once taken by Mrs. F , now Mrs. Hale, to obtain a di- . and proceedings were begun in vba county superior court by pub- lishing notice to Ferguson. The ca came up yesterday, and heaving the facts, the court at onco granted to Mrs. Ferguson an absolute divorce. Last night, at the Haynes house, in the pres- ence of Judge Boykin, ex-Congressman Armfield and muauy prominent lawyers, Mr:. Haledand his wife were united firmly. They were serenaded by the band, and a large crowd wus attracted to the house. All felt.in sympathy with the bride and groom over the happy termination of their trouble. A DBashful Bridegroom, Nashville American: Down at Flat Creek in this state there was afew years ago a couple who were engaged to e married, The time was set. and all was made ready. The time was about up, and the preacher asked the young man where his license was. The fellow said: *I thought the preachers had the license.” As the town was near by where the license could be obtained, the wedding came off, and things went on all right till about hed-time, when something was said about it being time to go to bed,und the groom said: *Well, it is time I was going home,” “No, that will never do; you must stay all night,” said some one of the family. “Yes, I will have togo home, forI didn't tell pop that I was going to stay all night, and he wouldn’t like ft for me to keep old Sall out all night.,” 8all was the name of the nag he was riding. Married for Money. Special New York Dispatch to the Globe-Democrat: Young Jacob Wilson wanted to, marry Mary A. Kouwe, and she wouldn't. Many atime he asked her: many a time she said no. He hasa broken nose. By way of counterbal- ancing advantage he had a father, also, Jacob Wilson, & South street wholesale liquor dealer, who had #200,000. cording to Miss Mary, old Jacob told her, on March 24, 1883, that if she would marry young Jacob he would ive her a house in ,i]uinnmwn, N. 15,000 cash and 8100 a month. This time Mary said yes. The contract was sut into writing,and she married young #cob the very next day. The house and lot were deeded to her, and she re- coived her #100 a month regular- lf ur to the time of her ather-in-law’s death on May 20, 1883, Then it “”‘;,pcd. She neyer got the 815,000 cash, The case was on trial before Judge Andrews in the supreme court yesterday. The defend- ant in the suit{s Ella Wilson, the widow and second wife of the old man. She says she knows nothing ot any such con= tract. Miss Mary didn’t know when she married young Jacob that old Jacob had a wife, but he had married his ser- vant. Ever since his death the estate has been in litigation. Mrs. Wilson testified yesterday that she had never seen the contract since her father-in- law first showed it to her. She had re- quested her father-in-law to keep it and put it in the safe for her. Her husband, Jacob Wilson, also tes- ged about the contract, and in additoin stated that about a week after his father’s death arrangements were made to examine his papers in his safe at his office. He went there and found his stepmother and his uncle, Joseph Wil- son, examing all of his father’s papers. When asked if he wanted to look over the papers, he remarke “No, I am left out in the matter entirely.” He did not see the contract among the Pu-' pers. There was other corroborative evidence. The trial will be continued to-morrow. Young Love Triumph: Kaneas City Special: A little over a year ago Miss Pattie Alexand daughter of C. Alexander, lionaire banker of Paris, Ky., saw loved Owen L. Davis, but, as Davis was only a clerk in an expressoffice and Pat- tie was only “‘sweet sixteen,” the pa- rents objected, and in order to prevent any entangling alliances Miss Pattie was sent to Paris, France, at once. A year sed, and the maiden re- turned to her Kentucky home. But ab- sence instead of curing the passion only made it stronger, and, as an attempt was made to elope, the parentssent Pat- tie to make a prolonged visit to her . uncles, Messrs. Hall and Kelley Brent, of this city. About three weeks ago Miss ~ Pattie left © one uncle’s house, ostensibly to visit the others, and when evening came a telephone message announced that she would remain all night. On Mr. Brent's arrival home he was told of the circumstances and he at once sus- pected that all was not as it should be, and called up his brother who informed him that the girl had not been there. The two brothers at once instituted a search and found her at the union depot ready to take the train in com- punf' with young Dawvis. The irate uncles at o demanded return, but Davis put in a veto by saying they were married and his wife should go with him. Hewas asked to show the wedding certificate and it was then learned they had not been mar- ried but were on their way to have the ceremony performed. The next day Pattie started back to Kentucky in v{mru’e of one of the uncles. For a_while all went well, but on the morning of January 28, the lover got a ladder to the fair one, and the pair, braving the dangers of a river full of Hoating ice went in a frail skiff to Aber- deen,O., where at 7 o’clock in the morn- ing they were made man and wife. The parents succumbed to the inevitable, and now the young couple are happy in the banker’s home. o ST CONNUBIALITIES. It's getting to be that in nuptial aftairs ‘The rule of precaution enforces. The wedding certificates being prepared ‘With a coupon or two for divorces. Congressman Hopkins is engaged to marry a daughter of George Francis Truin Solomon Lowell Dyer and his wife cele- brated the sixtieth anniversary of their mar- ringe ot Hinghum, Mass., last Tuesday. Cupid can spell the most difficult name that ever crossed the sea. A sweet Phila- delphia girl has become Mrs. Szezepankie- W The Kentucky legislature will prohibit marriage where persons have “a violent tem- per.” It can't be done. Violent tempers are discovered only after marriage. Two men of Lead City, D. T., played seven-up, best six games in eleven, for & young lady’s hand. It was a foregono con- clusion that the young lady and one of the men would lose. A Proposal of Marriage.—*‘Just think, Laurie! what happiness! Here is a proposal from the wealthy owner of an immense me- nagerie, and he ussures me that now heis in want of nothing mare but me. The cross-cyed inan has found his prov- ince at last. Itis love making onthe sly. An Indiana farmer, whose daughter ran away with a cross-eyed farm hand, declared that he never could tell when his hired man was looking at his daughter, and therefore he didn’t suspect him, My dear Agatha, will you be my wife?” “Only if papu is agreeable,” replied the duti- ful girl, “I never do anything without {mpu's consent.” ‘‘Butdo you think it likely that your father will give his consent?? “I should think so, indeed! Papa does every- think I wavt to.” Mrs. John Grueber, who was buried at Reading, Pa., Thursday, had outlived seven husbands, though but' forty-one years old. She was not quite sixteen when first married. The clergyman who conducted the funcral se- lected as his text the passage in Luke co cerning the seven brothers who married the same woman, S(‘i'{lh.‘u] people have their doubts about Lilli Lehwann's forthcoming marriage, for the lady had been offcially engaged once before. Now it is rumored, however, that Herr Kalisch, who has won the affections of will take place here. y whose engagement had been reported last summer was met recently by an old time acquaintauce at a Boston recep- tion, whereuvon the latter seized this first opportunity to congratulate her, ut, my ear, I'm not engaged at all,” answered the rry damsel. *But I saw it announced,” » ted the other.” ‘“‘Ah,Iknow: but you see my dear, it was only a Bar Harbor en- gagement,” was the complacent explapation. The marriage of Maurice Bernhardt and Princess Terka Jablonovska was brought about by B“ka('t handkerchief. Sarah was playing “Frou Frou,” and Terka was so agitated that she dropped her handkerchief wnto the pit, where it alighted upon Maurice. He sent it back to her next morning with a portrait of Sarah and a dedication written by the latter herself. That brought Terka to Sarah’s residence, where she met Maurice and loved him at first sight. For some time two colored swains of Steu- benville, O., courted th@same girl unknown to each other. They were intimate friends, and when one had made arrangements to marry the girl he asked the other to act as best man, and sent him for the marriage li- censo one dsy last week. The best man played the John Alden game to perfection, and took out the license for himself and mar- ried the girl while the other fellow was wait- ing for his return with the lices ‘i‘hum is @ charitable institution in Boston —we will say Boston—and each day one lady has to take charge of a publ deglnmonl of it. One young lady has selected Wednesday as herday, and the first week sie was to commence her round of duties another lady rieeived from the president a little note: “Dear Mrs, : Can you take charge on Wednesday! It was arranged that Miss — was to be here, but she forgot thatit was the day she waf'to be married, and she can't come.” | 3 SOME NUGGETS OF HUMOR. Bleepy—Where the Laugh Came In— A New Version. UNCLE RASTUS ON POKER. A Stormy Night—He Loved Her—En- titled to Special Privileges—Re- Jected—Not Much Meat—His Strong Point—Jokelets. Bleepy. ‘,‘A‘fow wake me up at six o'clock," Said he on foiuu to bed. “To-morrow is my busy day, P11 get right up,” he said. {8 patient wife, who previously " Experiments had tried. Baid nothing —only looked at him, And softly, sadly sighed. The night passed on; the morning came, At six o'clock she said, ‘‘My own. 1t's six o'clo You know, you said—" He grunted, “‘Lemme 'lone!"” At seven she gently tried again, But once again without The slightest semblance of sucoess— He only snapped, “Get out! " At eight her rournfie almost failed And turned to wholesome-dread, For as she spoke, she had to dodge A boot flung at her head. She thought he swore at nine o'clock And gave up "'Vmfi then, And he whose bysy day it was Got up at half-past ten. Then came the tide of bitterness That overflowed her cup; For he remarked, ‘‘What! half-past ten? Why did’'nt you wake me up?” Where the Laugh Comes In. Detroit Free Press: He stood strok- ing his smoothly snaven chin in front of a barber shop on Michigan avenue, and when asked if anything was wrong, he chuckled heartily and replied: “Ftinniest thing; I every knew?” “What was it?” “Why, I came ago here a while ago and went_in there. Feller told me to sit right down and be shaved.” “Well?”? “Idid. Hadno sooner got out of the chair than he held out his hand for ten cents. Ididn’t haveit.” *‘And what did he do?” “Led me tothe door and.gave me a kick—one kick—ha! ha! hal” “Where does the laugh come in?” “Why, I've been in Detroit for the last thirty years, and_there’s hardly a day I haven't been kicked. Have al- ways been booted from four to six times for ten cents, but this!elld-unlfy got one —ha! ha! Say, go in and tell him I'm at least eight cents ahead. First time }l‘vle”bcnt anybody in five years—ha! ha! a A New Version. Mary had a little lamb, And it was black as soot, And into Mary's milking pail It popped its little foot. Now, Mary, a straightforward girl + Who hated every sham, Raj "v‘od out a naughty little word ich rhymned with Mary’s lamb A Stormy Night. ‘Washington Critic: One stormy night about four months ago a little girl came into a family up town where there was already a- boy three or four years old. One bad evening this week the father and mother were going out and the boy wanted to go along and take the baby. To this the mother objected strenuously, and for a final ar- gument she sai “But, my son, don’t you know we can’t take little sister out such a stormy night as this?” “Well, I don’t-care,” he replied, . ‘It was a'good deal stormier than this the night she come here.” He Loved Her, Indeed. From the Graphte, ‘Were her eyes gray or blue? I dare not say. How could 1 judge of their soft;lcent ray? 1 only know she looked at me $he way That angels_look ‘When mortals pray. . ‘Was her voice proud or kind? 1 do not know. It whispered to me as I turnedtd go, And stole into my heart's recesses so 1 thought it sweet, And soft, and low. ‘Was her hair gold or brown? 1 cannot tell. Its clustered glory wrought on me a spell, While dreamy eyes beneath her:lashes fell I knew full well. ‘Were her fevti small—or large? 3 ow ; Shé owney r of number nines, you know, Broad at the heel and spreading at the toe. Don’t mention it, Iloved her so! A Lesson in Poker, Uncle Rastus—Ye see, Sammy, three ob a kind will beat any two pairs. Sammy—Yes, uncle, but what yo’ do when five ob a kind turn up? Uncle Rastus—I think, chile, dat would be a good time fo’ ye te hab your razor kinder handy. Entitled to Special Privileges. Puck: **We shall need about three tons more sulphur for pit 537,”said one of the subordinate devils, as he put his head inwo Satan’s private office, ‘‘and half a load of brimstone, and anew poker. There’s a tough consignment just sent down—two murderers, an anarchist, an incfiwdim‘y, and a conversational puns- ter. “Is he one of the kind that makes uns on people’s names?” asked the ead of the establishment, medi- tm‘.ive!y.fl “Well,” said the chief: “T hate to waste sulphur, but I guess you can give him a pit all by himself.” Rejcted. Journal of Education, Wo met beneath a bower Of overhanging trees, Iyielded to her power And fell upon my knees. I took her hand and pressed it, She turned her face away ; My coming fate I wuessed it— She could not say me nay. I saw a tear-drop tremble, Caught on her downy cheel, Said I: “You well dissemble The joy you will not speak.” Alas! my fond delusion Dispelled she with a glance; Yet 1, in wild confusion, * Clung to my only chance. And pressed her for an answer, When low she hissed with scorn, Release, at once, my hand sir; | You're kneeling on my corn" « §Not Much Meat in that Joke. 1 hington Post: A Baltimore man nAm&& Marrow was in the “Row” yes- terdny with a friend meeting some of the newspaper men. When Colonel Massey came up the friend remarked: “Colonel Massey, let me present my friend, Mr. Marrow, of Baltimore.” “Ah, Mr. Marrow,” said the colonel, “glad to meet you. Are you related to the Bonapartes?” ‘“Not that I know of,” responded the gentleman, inno- cently, and the colonel took his little joke out in the back yard and broke it with an ax. It Was a Conflagration. Chicago News: ‘‘Papa, what is a con- flagration?” It is & big fire, my son.” 4 And what do they call a little fire?” “There .is no special name for a little fire. Oh, they sonietimes call it an in- cipient fire, and—let’s see—well, it is sometimes called an inconsiderable fire. Whev 3 “‘Well, I see your cont-tail is on fire, and I was wondering whether it was & conflagration or an incipient fire.” In a few minutes the young man had reason to think it was a conflagration. Grammar His Strong Point. Cincinnati Enquirer: Justice of the Peaco—Had you ever saw this man be- fore? Witness—Yes. ‘‘Had he came before you had went?” ‘No.” ‘Is them your e, what you saw stole?” o i b “Yeos.” **Would you have recognized them if {;nu had seen them before they was rung here?” . “Yes; I would have knowed them.” “Speak grammatic, young man! It ain’t proper to say ‘have knowed,’ you should say ‘have knew.’ A Brave Maiden. San Francisco Post: I have seen the bravest girl in San Francisco. She had the brightest of bright red haig, and she deliberately walked up to a brewers’ wagon, to which were hitched two big white horses, and stood there till the wagon moved away. She had a look on her face when the lumbering team started which said plainly: ‘‘Now, I hope every nincompoop who has passed has seen the white horse.” i PEPPERMINT DROPS. At all events—the prominent citizen, In wrestling with adversity one gets somo terrible throes. A dog rarcly points a moral, but he fre- quently adorns a tale. To get a poor grip in society a man should have a claw hammer coat. Rumor is a_stout-voiced old lady, and she does her talking through a sprinkler. The poet who is il aglow_ with his theme is what we mean in speaking of a verse- afire, Description is 80 continually beggared that it ought to be arrested as a profes- sional. 1t would be.a good thing to reduce the duty on the solder that fastens the top crust on mince pies. v Some ono says, ““A dollar goes further now than it used t0.” Yes, and cousiderably quicker. There is nothing that will warm upa man's language so much as dropping a chunk of ice down his back. It is a little funny, isn't it, that a little draught causes u cold, cures n cold and pays the doctor’s bill, Bitter strife prevails between Milwaukee brewers and their men. In other words, they are at lagerheads. Walt Whitman has written an ode “To the Fellows Who Got Left.” This is kicking a mau when he is down. The wise man does not hesitate to spénd in advertising what a lawyer would charge for superintenning his assignment. My joy beyond the power of numbers is tosingi” exclaims & poet. Somebody has evidently invited the poor fellow out to din- ner. There is a man in Kansas City who, it is said, can eat ninety epgs at a meal. This ;Xluss be the fellow that the heus ate “laying or.” ‘What is the use of talking about_removing the internal tax from whisky! Whisky will always be an infernal tax upon those who use it. = The old-fashioned coasting sleds are still holding their own. It is also noticed that the young men who ride on these sleds are doing the same. After all their exertions to carry their point in the settlement of the tariff question it i8 more than 'possible that the wool men may get worsted. “‘Who is that extremely peculiar and inter- esting looking man with the long hair?” *Oh, that is a previous poet. He has a great fu- ture before him?” Many o man whogremnids ‘‘at the office” till late at night to balance his books finds considerable difficulty in balancing himself on his way home. A dyspeptic traveler recently committed suicide in a country hotel by hanging him- self to his bedpost with & rope made of twisted doughnuts, A trotting horse fell down on the ice in a race on a New Hampshire pond, and slid in ahead and won the heat, a thing he could not have done had he kept his footing. A forty-pound crocodile covered with wooly hair has been discovered in Florida. The theory is advanced that it had inadvert- 'u:uy lunched on a firkin of steamboat but- T, Wife (looking up from her book)—*‘‘You know u good many things, John. Now, what do you think should be doneina case of drowning!,” Husband—“Have a funeral, of course.” One of the most serious aspects of the burning of that New York hospital by a little girl is the turning loose of the word ‘‘pyro- maniac™ on a country with no adequate coust defense. X A man in Utica found a black snake four feet long in hisbed on_the 15th of Junuary. He thought the reptile got into the room through a knot hole. More likely it came through a bung hole, ‘ “How would you like to have your hair cut{” inquired Spinola, one of the Morse building barbers. *‘With the scissors,” re- plied the customer, and silence fell on the place with a dull thud. The museum at Niagara Falls is talked of If the biggest fee paid a hackman in that vicinity could be passed it would be a great attraction, but it was swapped off for a pala- tial livery stable yeurs ago. Misprints on occasions are of a very pain- ful nature. The cditor of atemperance paper who wrote, “Getting drunk is folly,” was horrified to read in his sheet next day that “Getting drunk is jolly.” Franklin Mills (ordering the cigars at a popular cafe)—What's your brand, Jack{"’ Jack Steares, (from Texas, between gulps)— WCross an’ arrer on diamond on right paunch, an’ left horn-tip sawed off ! “Ah, glad to see you back, old man " said a local merchant to & returned citizen. *T'm glad to be back,” said the other. “Where have you beent” ‘‘Been over to Boomtown.” “In business there!” ‘Yes.” ‘Make any- thing?? *Yes, made an assignment.” A Boston boarding house woman caught & poarder putting buttons and toothpicks into the hash. Well, if Buffalo men don't find what they are ' accustomed to at home, we don't see that they can be blamed for trying u{uflx up, their fare so that it will be palat- able. ——— Croupy suffocations, night coughs and all the common affections of the throat and lungs quickly relieved by Dr. J. H. 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Hadig sty yerance teacher VERY YOUNG MA e HoUT OF FOOLISHNERS has triied away his 87 : m‘nA LITY or PROCREATIVE Poh w' whe ENGTH, ‘enker his Mind, Unstrung his Nerves or sapped his IJUAI- | 21) &=7"Evel E| T nndlg? nfiwl 2’5’;&3"""" o u‘fi'fi-fi NOEXED b\ ERY.ENGSS dile'aged and 0id Man &1 ug from who finds POWER and VITALITY, NERVE and sensibly weakened, finde himself o 1, CAPACITY and VIRILITY WHETHER BY EXCESS OR NOT. or who bashed and nlh;med of his UIIIILDIIH can MPOTENCE and WEAKNES, lasting and ¥ m ‘Al N o UND-ATS L 8 of them a fatnesiig sy te; recommends the (0 the greatest known Kestoratives of RIED MEN and willfind in this great A s tpchfi s GEREATY ERFECT SEX Twenty Years Extensive Trigl has only served IALE TREATMENT ‘s’ Tiasue of 'tho bod e B INVIGORATED AND B OF LIFN. & ¥MANLY VIGOR Prof. O , France' WEANS of GAINING VAL HEALTU AND VIGOR. 10 Fix and Widen the great reputation of Prof. Civiale's Methods middlcaged, men ‘from weakness, debility oF impotency, wa e B v o:gf';'flu'm'l O b oled ton &8 thoes of (b ] i ? ir ot le1g¢ of it gty were w0 (0 5 Wi it mun il And hecith A a8 follows: “Ata very e TR T O e o o it & inember of the' M EDICA s v e Ve [ t in Amerios as 1t his bee \iIrk Lo peraoh and found that th H e, it Chual §oF Lkl would be didBei 0 G | mpotent Rkl Fote ERA LS i o0 e whaw equal f brated El iteing Crad BEMEDIAL call becam AGENCY¥, 173 Fulton Et. : : edi Director,_of the Ctvial A A Eg'm"‘ £ Tribune & For l o his fu %, e —Dr. Wo scnd to any address, ‘auscs, Patliology and. testimonlals, &0, Al . wo wi treatise, giving tho Nature ‘with endorsements A VARICOCELE J§ Now Youly OMAMA . MEDICAL # SURBICAL INSTITUTE,