Omaha Daily Bee Newspaper, September 19, 1886, Page 11

o+ ANONG THE WITS AND WAGS. | Maria's Obestout THE BALL PLAYER AND HIS SON treseing Candor of the Small Boy— “Englieh as She is Spoke”’—A Va- ricty of Pointed Paragraphs, Rare and Realistic, Strike the Gong. w to charge, adore more and wore, r tears ut Two years, Maria, strike the gong! This song 1 sing is very nice, Maria, strike the gong | I'm sure you want 1o hear 1t twice, n't want 10 say s § buy a chestnut well, ne g The O1d Ball P1 Texas 8 er and His Son. nkins was a ch asebuilist when the nationa first eame into prominence 3oth hands gpark of the o The r learned “that his d played hookey ir hand, } n, resolved to leng 1t all Pl &, trying to get a on the rawhide with his stif- been running awsy from wve ye! Don’t w schoolmaster teach your young bow to get 'emselves off proper) As the twig is bent the tree’s inclined, but you're bent on foolin’ away your time. 1 and you ain't inclined to study. But if yon don’t want to be taught at school (spitting on his hand grabs him by the collar) I'll teach ¥ Jo began to whimper and moan, “Can't ny fun.” “Fun! | his father. “What d've call fun he iaised whip to Playin® “Basc b z ball.” sobbed Johnny. 1d Plunkins, suspending “Where did you learn .1 know'd ever so long ago “And you belong to a nine?” The arm ped to his side Yes, the ‘Dusy Cutters” And we been playin® the ‘High-Lows' of Harlem. “Bur it's wrong to run away from schm.l,.hlmmy. Couldn’t you have put by Nary sub,’’ said Johnny, emboldened by secing his father sit down on the saw- buck and the rawhide lying at hus feet. “I'm short . You see it v just this way. The ‘High-Lows took the bat, and Stub-toed Joe led off witn a corking hit into the right field. Pinky Jones put a fly to centre field, which Slit-nosed Mike got under and muffed. . “He muffed it, did hes” sneered Plunk- ins, as he bresthed hard and his eyes began to glisten. “Yes, but the ball split his finge od enough. But go on.” “Fog-horn Pete drove a pretty one into left ficla and filled the bases. Frenchy made a wild piteh and Gridiron Sam scored and the two Harlems advgnced s bag." “A bag! Waat's thatt™ “Oh, you an't fly, dad. A bag’s a base, don’ cher know?"’ e “Yes, yes, I might have known. Goon.” “Furgy drove & mowing machine—"" "Moflng machne?'’ “Yes, a grass cutter—about half s foot out of Slim Jim's potato grabbers, and the two High-Low’s crossed the silver- ware. “The silver-waret"” oY the plate. Furgy was doubled with Skinny on s line fly to Littie Red and Dickey Bird give up the ghoston a Ewift bounder to Plunkey.”” “Plunkey " “Yes," said the boy with a grin, “that’s me “‘And you took it in?" cried the father. “Out of the wet,” said the boy, placidly. “Come to my arms, my son!” exclaimed Plunkins, springing to his feet and em- bracing him pleasantly. “1 was afraid you was foolin’ away your time at school and getun’ no edication, but 1seel was mistaken. Why, boy, you are fit toenter college this very minute. Come right along into the house and tell about the rest of the game to your mother and me," and they went in ‘together Jocked in s fond embrace. Mottoes. Life: Fora prize-fighter—“He that is down need fear no fall.” For a scamstress—" Be what yon seem to be.” For a Wall street speculs tempers the wind to the shorn lamb.” For the silver dollar—"1 would rather die than be debased For the fashionable dressmaker — “Worth overcomes ill-will.” For a messenger boy—"He who runs may read.’’ ¥or a negro minstrel—"“The bones are for him who comes late.” For s lover whose fisnce has a glass egfi—"\\ilh all thy false eve love thee sulL.” Yor a riding class—*‘Every one has his own particalar habit.”" For a boy who wishes to hirc out to & dime museum—"Two heads are better than one.” Silent Letter Jingles. Bostom Courier. A husband once seized o large knife Ana attempied to carve up lis kwite, But the neighbors ran in, in the mudst of the din, And sucoecded in saving Ler kiite, A maid, with expressioa benign, Whose dresses were costly and fign, Was wooed by & youth, But she doubled his truth, And W give him her band did declign. A waiden was scared by & gnome, As she climbed up the the stairs to the dhome, Of the Stute House one day For a view of the bay, And she uttered o shriek and rav ghome® The Candor of the Small Boy. Drake's Magazine: The candor of the small boy is cocasionally very distressing to his friends and relatives. “In the wait- Toom of the Buffalo depot there was £ with 3 small boy, and also a be- lfl"&ll. looking old gentleman, who had # very singular protuberance on his nose, which attr tion youtk Mister, did God make that r on your nose® Hush, J ny,” s 1 ‘1 ain't talking to you, ma 1ng 1o this gentleman That's & wen on my nose rems T'hen your you saw God put t nose. didn't you, or did t nose when you was Here the »oy's mother managed to get him under control, but he broke out 1 a “Are yol Yes, my boy “You are not waiti went off ye “No, I'm i you was, you would get left. But you didn't tell me if you saw God put that lump— Here his mother shoved her handker- chief in his mouth and the scene was over. Why He Didn't Dare to be a Christian. St. Paul Herald: Evangelist to a mem- ber of his congregation, who seems to be siderably agitated: “"My dear brother, © you ever been a christiant™ Have you ever felt the army of the Lord?’ s, sir.”” “Won't you come out to-nigl clare yourself us a worker in t e to join t and de- he Lord's vineyard and set an example for y¢ fellow-men® L wi I dasn’t n wicked, ha' “Oh, yes, a little.” “Well, end, just say If to me, tnat e with my ¥ siness.” our busines: ness, my dear sir?’ and vou see this is time of year for putting , Sir; putty near the up stoves.” Not a Good Plan. Merchunt Traveler: A rural teacher was examining a new pupil in order to tell where to place him in her classes. The first question she asked w. “Have you ever parsed any The boy looked up wi surprise 1 his face, and aiter some he: tation b plied: “‘Yes'm, but 1 don’t think it's er good plan to parse, if ye've got anything big- ger'n a jack in yer hand ter dror t0.” A Convincing Argument. “Know dat onreligious mggar, Snod “Sho ‘nufl.” “Got converted de odder day You doan mean it! Who Absolom Jenkins, Then ’Lias got ter argifying, and La truf in de Bible, were, im. “Well, well. If dat doan beat all, ler think of 'Lias Snodgrass bein’ converted! How did Absalom ‘vince him?" “Wif @ raszer ‘Lias The Difference *Twixt Tweediedum and Tweedledee. San krancisco Post: “‘Oh, there’s plenty of patriotism left in the country,” said a journalist from Indiana at the vress headquarters yesterday. “It flames up all sorts of men on oceasion, I was working at the polls in Indianapolis on election day, 1880. The fight between the Garfield men and the Hancock men was bot, Itell you. A venerable man, one of our best citizens, rushed up to me late in the afternoon, pale and agitated, and cried out: ** ‘Brother Thompson, the other side are buying votes—buying them! “*You don't say so,’ 1 auswered. ‘How much are they giving?’ lhree dollars, the infamous scoun- “‘Well,” I answered, ‘we're givi four dollars. ; and we’ll raise 'em out of their , no matter how high tney go.’ “Tears came into the aged eyes, and a trembling voice he said: ***Thank God, the csuse of good gov- ernment is saf in Her Answer. Boston Cowrier. 1asked for her hand and She mwurmured ~OL, my " And gave we a swile Gom Her loveswinuuing eye. She gave me herhand, while Caressing ber poodle, And said, 1 aip yours, sir, 1f you've got thie boodie.” The Champion Grand Army Liar. San Francisco Wasp upnose you were in the war, comrad; ald & prom- inent Market street dry goods clerk as he sat down ain at a “post” banguet after telling a few select war incidents with great applans ed his neighbor, who had industronsly boen pufting away the shrimp salad and champagne during the spoech-making. *'1 was a member of the Michigsn ‘Big Foots.” ™ What regiment was thats" “Why, the Forty-fourth Michigan regi- ment, you know. “The men were selected exclusively on account of their big feet. 1 wear No. 26°s myself.” “Do, eh®” “Yes. You see the peculiarty of our fellows was they had such big feet they couldn’t fall down when they were shot. After au achon the officers went round calling the roll. When a man dida’t an- swer they knew he had been promoted to a fairer world, a happier land than ours; s0 they just dug a grave right behind him, flopped him over witha pole and filled himin.” And boh—mnl?' handing their hadges over to the champion incidenter ine members put out their camp-fire und went howe. Jugged for Plagiarism, Arkansaw Traveler: “What was that tall negro boy put in for?” asked a vis- itor, addressing an official at the peni. Plagiarism " ‘What! Plagiarism?" “Yes, sir.” ““That is indeed strange. Is such an offeuse punishable in this state?” “‘Seems to be. That fellow was sent up for two years.” “Tell me something about his crime.” Well, he weut iutoa Luhhc Library and stole an armful of books.” _“Yes, but does that constitute pls- giarism ™ “Of course, for is not that fellow a lit- erary thief?”’ Ready for Any Emergency. Buifalo Commercial: A Bufialo man went 1o consult & lawyer, and when ready < dar wa'nt 1o | and Absalom he say dey | and finally Absalom convinoed | he business that br tecn years ago T w lian of a girl €ix 3 d tly; fix English as She ts Spoke. ™ ¢ Was Ay never o To blusl wodle who never can lauch ade ids give him innocent chaugh d sent out to grass, $ all who may pass 'S no more than a caugh. There was an old man with a queue, Whose relatives made & to-ducve Because of his hair, But he bade them beware, For in future he weant to wear tuoue. was & youne man with a che que, de 1t by seooping the dequ When asked if he cared How the poor Lrish fared, mptly renlied, “Not a sp Not That Kind of a Ma Ponsonby—Owes you two and a half, does he? That will be Atlantic City hotel man—DButit ain't all right. 1 want to know who he is Ponsonby (with empressewent—Th is Arthur de Twirliger, one of the cre de e of P Hotel man (w t slick y fast, I didn’t know b one of the butter ae la butter. The Tender Solicitudeof a Dear Wife. k you you are very do )pen to you n take their soda I'm sure L don't ny better, but 1do new water with 2 see how that o hope that if you'll be careful not to swallow the k. 11 would be sure to choke you to death. You will be careful, won't you, Ch J No More Fun For the Boye. “Too bad!”" exclaimed the plethoric passenger, looking up from his news- paper. “What's too bad?™ asked the ger, sympathet Lit's t00 bad that »s of youth swept away in the tida interference.” “Eh* What have they b to these innocent little one: it makes my blood boil to think of it A dear little boy in 1o : cently sent up for giving and drying him off Kissed by Soft Airs. The Rambler: A beautiful West Side girl sat upon the piazza of her father's brown-stone front with all modern im- provements, including hot and cold gas in every room. The pi was shaded by thickly growing vines, through which the moon snone with refulgent rays, for it had been fall for several nights. Beside her was young Clay Pendieton Buford, only son of Colonei Buferd, one of ihe wealthiest cigar planters of Virginia. 1ow sweet the nightis”” she murmured, “and how I love 10 sit here and be by the soft airs from the south!” A sound u2 of a drove of cows meandering through A swamp smote the evening stiline when the fair but West Side grl recov- ered consciousn ized that she had been kiss 3 3 man. Her whole nature rebelled against the deed, and with her face aglow and flashing eyes she bestowed upon him the hatchet- pleasu doingnow bifter, satirical rebuke: *“You ought to be ashamed of yourself.” “How could I help itY” rejoined the young Virginian. Am I not 4 soft heir from the south? She admitted that he was. He Had All Kinds of Political Drinks. Kentucky State Journal: They w standing in front of a bar. “What'll you have!" said the bar- keeper 10 on “*A democratic drin “What'll you hav, second. “‘I'll take a republican drink.” “German or English™ “German. He had set before him beer. “And what'l! you have!” he asked of the third. ot any mugwump drin; es. And be set before him s mixture of beer and wiusky. He took it down, saymng fiis is what the president drink: One Simple Little Request. Somerville Journal: *“‘Well, darling, I he said to the have come to say good-by for a litle while,” said young Ferguson, sadly, look- ing into his Mabel's eves. “To say 20o0d-by?"” repeated Mabel, wonderingl: “Why, Archie, where are you goin “Oniy to New York, dear,”’ said the young man, clasping her closer as he spoke. ‘‘Just a little business trip, you know; I shall be back—""_*‘Oh, Archie!” interrapted the young girl impulsively. “Are you really gomng to New York Really and truly, Archiey” of course 1 am, my cluld; why shouldn't 1 Is there anything so strange about that?” *Ob, I am so glad! Now, Archi won't you do me one little favor whil you are theret Something I want yvou to do so much, tor my sske.” “Why, of coarse I will, my darling; there is noth- ing I would nof do for your sake; your slightest wish is 8 command to me; tell me what it is, and I will do it before 1 attend to anything else: what is it you want me to 40, my child*”’ *“You are so zood, Archie,” smd the girl, tenderly, while her voice sank 10 a whisper, “‘and 1 have set my heart on it, too. 1 want you to jump off the Brooklyn bridge.” —— Closing Week of the “Wild West" at Erastina, Staten Island. New York Mercury: Philanthropy has been combined with business ai this pros- perous Indian encampment, and several thousand orphan and indigent children of thiscity and neighborbood have been nstructively entertained during the past woek as the special guests of Buffalo Bill und Nate Salsbury. The season here will close in a ful:lkl;lfbl, and then the entire show, it is likely, will be placed under cover in this city for the winter. Last Friday a contract was signed in London whereby six acres of space in the American exhibition in the Bntish metropolis has been secured for next summer, beginning May 2. The re- ment will be for six months. The entire addition to the stands, stables, tents and para) will be trans- ported st a east of §100,000. The season “Whv, ves, | BY TWILIGHT. 1f we dream that desire of the distance above us \ ild be fettered by fear of the shadows that seem. 1f we wake, to be nonght but to hate or to If w a i HOAEY FOR THE LADIES, favor. the embro- the pattern. are of beaded silk and sa d leath rnover collars are & new feature in and costumes. of surab w es of cloth. 1 be worn with win eost Jooping at the back. Grenadine ribbons have brocaded d outlined by bea Plaid velvet will be used in combd for handsome costumes, Tulle Rusee is used for veils. had in fashionable colors. Velvet bonnets beads or self-colored silk. Fruits and vege s are in the ascendant forbonnet and hat trimmi Jackets of brown or nav Vests and past: menterie anc ool Velvet skirts have the bodice and over- dress ot wool, with velvet accs Silver galoon and used for trimming « Pocket h ker have borders of del t Mrs. Frank Leslie withouta man's enjovm de-meshed tulle int | will be worn over sk k jackets will r ks 0f cheviot in li Belva Lockwood ¢ ¥ ne batistie y work andfather recently rdant. " held a ¥ ainted the inte: t E. Colfax. acous jer Colfax. is, and has been for twen the lighthonse at M beauty now vis ting Inverness stag throngh the heart, ki instantly. 1t was her first shot at game of ize. my word for it,” said an eld ockland, N. Y., there's roin Mrs. tisa can is somet cou! e)—*1 will Cierk (recent from the dress goods department) —*Yes, ma'am; someihing -that won't show din?’ the same time it is ail that any one can do with her ears to hear herself 3 Tam o’Shantereaps and turbans are tte lead- ing shapes at the French watering pla Let any but lovely young faces bewase of the former shape, for whlle enbancing youthful heanty, it accentuates the commonplace and plain. A London paper says: the accouchement of the Princess which was expected for November, will not take place,”” The postponement of an event about which S0 reasonable a certainty is clustered is doubiless unavoidable. Paris cloaks forautumn wear are of coarse ], striped with colored cables. chains or Reseda aud ecru, purple and pigeon f them k. “T understand that Beatrice, eray, dark red and blue, are some of the com- binations. These cloaks are lined with 1k the color of the ground, and are trimmed with Tibbons 10 correspord. Juckets will be worn with tailor-made cos- tumes. These jackets are fastened in a ve- Tiety of wa: s with a double 1o of buttons curving from right to left: again with & single reverse and tliree large buttons from the bust to the wais: line, or they have Wwaisteoats or revers of velvet. umn wear show no marked cs_in desizn fram those worn in the ng. There is muen latitude in the matter nts; they may be 1ong GF short, pointed, round or squire, according 1o the fancy the wearer. Generaly the backs are loi and Darrower i the wantles. tume of irt crenne A ha ay cloth aied, SLOwin the front of bene it auy the when a child n’s skill in baby nursing was famous M , Who at- | acquired from | tended ber ma | royal children. This exc | great favorite with 1 nt person was who honored grieved, feling she had lost a true friend, be old nurse to the lsst proved worthy of her mistress’ confidence. e — CONNUBIALITIES. Baron de Worms, a conspicuous man of the Hebrew faith, is o take as 8 wifea senile woman of England. A wan cawe to Dudngue, In. all the way from Garwanyto witbess the marriage of hisbrother. Three days after he started on Lis return journey + Jumes Connor, of Worcester, Mass.,, ma ried Miss Nellie Jordan, & prominent young lady, while on ber death bed. Miss Van Vechien, whom Mrs. Grundy spoke of at one tiwe iu the same breath that mentioned e while bouse, is soon 1o Teturn from Europe to marry Justioe Gray. Standing before a clergyman who was ahout 1o marry him.s rustic was asked, “Wilt thou have this woman®’ etc. The man startod iu swprise and replied, “Ay, surely. Whoy, I kummed 3 puppus. A young Atlantacouple went o Westmin- ister, 8, C,, Wednesday, were married and returned 1o Atlants the same evening The marriage is noi to take effect for 1wo vears and all concerned in it are bound to secrecy. The marriage of Professor George Huut- sity, to hss Mary €lifton the Hon. D. P. Wood. of Syracuse, 100k place at St. Paul's cathearal, Syracuse, Wednesday eveniug, September 15. A couple who desired & peculiar kind of marriage got it ou Tuesday, on the line of the Lake Erie & Westean railroad, at Lafayetie, {nd. The bride siood on one side of the line, is Onio, and the groom on ibe Indiana side. An obliging winisier stond with one of kis Teet on either side of the dividing Live, and it Draperies are long and {ull ana have no Itisto be are embroidered with nE wrong Iy ar- i of ope one at Three | during shot a_ larze | ’t 1 think of | spring | ington Williaius, of Jolns Hopkins univer- | Wood, daughter of | 1 | may vet take & d whether the mart old. Helis a wid and oneson, His love. courtship and marr | followed one another s persons kpew of his ¢ agement. went west she rec o my ived the let x aaid the_voung woman, also laagh- ing. The sunt did so. the young man wrote. the young woman answered the letter, and the result of the correspondence that foliowed ‘was & wedaing last week between the young folks who, until a few days before, had never seen one another. Thelr friends say they both have done we Subirl PRSI Write His Card, “Go to! go to!” our Sedgwick cnies, War down in Mexicos “The papers lie about that toot, 1t's moonshine, don’t you k Ves Us pain 1 reports at band n hin nal Revenue. in her nding a b hers may see it, | dices, pointed in front, short over tt 01 fnw | nd with postillion backs, are in bigh { Had beiter write a card. | .- | PEPPERMINT DROPS. actors? “Read the answerin Sowething _lingering—Dot one lunches in & Lurry.—Burlingion nobody ever hea New ng of furming, romplaining of & poor crop. Haven News. We have in_our 2 was used d ational Weekly In summer we office the identieal um- ng the reign of have n Free Press. nothing sweeter th A Denver paper devote: c aus of space to & negro murderer who W neea there last week. T with a single line. ¢ led for ten says a florist, b ne while they ate being ew Haven News Mrs. Liebenstein— hiw to bring der bott faney vine coolers, der 1ing der next table mit. mi: Moo a.gonl ny rising youly san t | A New York theatre has in_preparation a them in the crowded horse car unless the | PIay entitied e Bandit of Wall Sreet™ 1t woman who wiants 10 get on has more than | 1S BO! Zor Tibel an ordinary skare of youtn and beauty. e b 2 Kate Ficld savs that women hear with | , A storekeeper in Boston has put a dram in theireves. We reckon that Kate is right | his window to which ie attachid s card Bith | When a numberof women are conversing at | 1€ [rice thus O | ab! there’s where the stick comes in. young man get a start »d question weari ling ut pre -fashioned this, | ent that gets h the bent pin.—[Burln, The personalit n ached a climax brother heatedly advised a_loathsome contemporary 10 keep nis shirt on, and subsequently ascer- tained to his horror that the contemporary W4S 8 Woman. “What 15 & dead center?” asked Mrs. Fan- gle, looking up from an article in which that Term occurred. “Ithink & deceased rat be- n Christanas, me.” vyou know, ma. I shall have 10 get int stockings, and they don't hold mueh. Stadent 1L, we treated the patient i the most approved way.” Doctor— How R Stndent L we put himon milk diet: then he put on wine; then we put him on electrien] © then we put him on quinine—" 1 ou will put him on jce.”—[Hotel Mail A sovereign prince on his travels, when | passing throngh a village, expressed 10 1he native magistrate his astonishinent at seeing s0 many of the children runninz aboul with your bare feet. ‘“‘Ach, worthy official dren hereabouts ighnes: replied s the way with e ull born so oundation skirt of acajou velvet. m Lilg said a Dakota s Ds 10 the knee Juttons of eray pearl the noise outside I | outline the seams. producing a very novel ngon. Youare all exc | effeet. Tue back draperies are Jonz and full and watch it. Don't being caught up Ligh on one side 1o show the look better 1 velvet skut. long loops and ends of the aud he shot out | velvetdepend from the waist almost o the | wild rush of the bottom of the skirt, ] is round in | front and has st the velvet | A Maine man proposes to | outlining the ss which from the | Joon nfty feet above the Brookiyn | bust 1o the w »w bands of the | thirteen pounds of irou stiached 1o L | velver are faste 1f be w 118 programe and | sad Q % feet above terrs a pile of roc e will be one SINGULARITIES, son of Cavour, D. T, while out her with her coniidence upon the most deli- | bunting, killed eighteen wild ducks at three | eate matters. When Mrs. Lilly died, in her | shots. Dinety-second year, ber majesty unafleciedly | Men employed in sinking a well at Cole- | man., found & live {roz imbedded in the earty 55 feet below the surface. An eagle bas astonished the people of Mys- tic, Conn., by appesring in the sky Wit a bell about its neck tnkling merril; C. W. Jones, of Richiand. Mic pound_Poland-China hog a1 the lowa state lair. The animal is eight feetlong and a yard wide. has a 905 Hiram Southward, of Fairfax, Vi, has a | curiosity in & ehicken with tweive tGes, and | be has & squash that measure: feet in cir- cumferenc Near Del Mar can be seen the rarest tree, probubly, in the world. Tnis is the Pinus Torreyana, which has never been found any- where outside of San Diego county, and only within a limited area bere.—San Diego (Cal) Union. The Bengal tieress Cleopatra gave birth to three cubs in Central Park menagenie, New York, on Sunday. Two of them, females, wepe born dead, and the third, » male, which is very feeble, is being f6d with cow’s milk from “abotte. This is the frst uger ever bory alive i the park. © Senator Stanford of California has a parrot which cost hiw seven Lundred doliars and is | & wonderfully educated bird. 1t speaks four languages—English, French, German and Italian. The strange part of it is that the JArTOl, B SOUD &5 bears auy one speak, uows in what lauguage 10 address the per- son. | e Was Not the Hired Girl. Overheard in s street car: *I tried to kiss my wife ai the front door to-night as 1 was leaving bome, and, do you know, she wouldn't let me. She said she didu’t want the peighbors to be taking her for the bired girgl.” tween the joists is a dead scenter,” replied Fangle, who had. uot long before, succeeded in prying one out of s sition. “] think, Charlie,” said Mrs. Smalifa 10 her youthtul, “that I shall put you into trousers very soon.” “But not unttl after | )i, beeanse | THE OMAHA DAILY BEE: SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 19. 1886.~TWELVE PAGES. THE CHESTN Oh, he wasa New ¥ es 1 man. u I e A€ he ealmly % A c \ ie sat W 1 b ' MUSICAL AND DRAMATIC. 11 e e e e e e - oce 1 T nd, has d 2 wowan, Mrs. Martin, a8 aking « of & Mg, who died nt Fort ot & Clement's oif Russell, Wyo, lay, | was ring A recewt perform: | THnISterin i D S s O - o ¢ when he appointed chapial son, the variety actress. who sbot | 1ol Orjo regiment. During the engage- her husband at Leave h, Kan., recentiy, | ments around Winchester e took & musket is now nursing hitm back 10 recove and went into battle, and was captared and Edmund K. Collier's stellar tc 1 B here he was confined England is very sucoessful, esp 1 At the close of the war be vigorous revival of “Metamora. conference and in 1888 he Richard Mansfield comes naturally by his nted 1o & post ¢ oy by Presi- vocal gifts. His mother was the ocelobrated ur. prima donna, Madame Rudersdorfl. lose Levere is studying the part of Par- in “Ingoma She w wale ita 1 her coming starring tou Miunie Hauk hassung forty-one different o e different Ia but she husband in & “My Cou: was ater, pay ihead is A man w the once mentioned by and when in her prime rmidable rival of Malibran, Miss in cos- at Milwaukee, elled to play Port ecked to St. Paul by misiake. t parade of Forepaush's Canadas, 8 Wagon con- s was_overturned and ed off. A fire hiad to o keep the lions in uade, and then the wagon aid of two elephants. s comimenced under immonds & with nd is annot Juck, while Patti Danc- the eross and Tepeat il Fillio, e Santo Spirito. el IMPIETIES. The only fruit crop that did not yprovea suce in" the Garden of Eden: The early I A mouse weut into an Aristook Sunda sehool and the superintendent knocked ! aown and killed b a bibl One Luth v and 160,000 o lons of New England rum were recently s 19 the Congo islands iti the sawe ship. 1t is said that everybody in the town of Yakutsk, Siberia, zets drunk on New Year's auy, the bishop solemply setting the exarupl The late Archbishop of Canterbury once remonstrated with a celebrated Parsee for worshipping the sun. “Ahl your erace,” was the reply, you should see it once 1ty good Lit at English fox and prejudic cathedral, there isa locality known as “Hell” Soule time azo an advertisement appeared in a Dubli newspaper nnder the head of lodgings **Lodgi s in Hell; well suited for lawyer: elc., ele. Washington's bible ls owned in Though he carried it all it is not injured juside, ared, nor the margins doesn’t Jook as If it was e Tuis shows what a remarkably neat man George Washington was. An orthodox preacher in Storin Lake Jowa, thinks that the Universalist preacher of the same place 18 objectionable. So he prayed the other day in church that the Lord would change the art of the Uni- yersal bim. : te citizens are watehing him clos usly 1 i reported as saying 1 it Jesus CLFist “run a carpenter here in this city there are fully one-hal our church_metubers who v up to their A St. Paul cler in their fine es would not k 10 hii, ition un clonged 10 christian SYTALOL tened 10 r L' David™ went Jewish ae with LT with usual ¢ old by bis ® 10 the same 1 5 Ah!” said the clergy- ) of relief it 4 nts 1 L WOl lered why Saul threw juvelin at David chimond Religious Herald: A freewill itist from the north came south, and s ing a church bumiding, be asked a colored wan what kind of a ¢ L “Dat i promptly replied: del be noriherner asked: tist—the freewill or the other : 1 dunno about de fre church. 1 specs dey i Ah, how many of these * there ave! Hevrew Btandard: A pious western rabbi entered & saloon Dot Joug ago, and Lo his in- finite surprise and unspeakable mortification discovered his parnass seated at a card table indulging in the wicked game of euchre shabbas,” He remonstrated with him and left the place; and looking at the vacant chair at the table he noted that his parnass Lad left & very prowising hand, and so he sat down and finished 1t and raked in tbe pot Thus is virwue. A few evenings azo at a dinner party in Middieiown a clerzyman was sealed betworn 1wo Jadi One of the ladies noticed that the reverend gentleman was s Lat ab- stracted in his wmanper, and in a sotio voee asked him if bhe was not feeli we. The clergyman replied that he was s alarmed about Lis bealth snd strokeof paralysis. e ssid: “I've pinching 1oy Jex ever since | sat down 10 1 been particle of feeling in 2 pot 1o be alarmed at he bad been pinching. lumediately recovered Lis The Church of stome has declared itseif positively . A upanimous call has been extended to Rev. Charles C, Pierce, of Linco! Neb. the congregation of the Third Bay L of Germiautows, st & salary of $1L,500 per au- Bum. 1t is rumored in Catholie cire that Leo X1 has formally given permission 1o a well known English peer 10 send bissons to Ox- ford or Cambridge any utlerances of the Eug- lish Catholie episcopale votwithstanding. Rev. Duncan L. Jerowe, an evan wes receutly seat 1o thls county b, stwho | placently - EDUCATIONAL. of Yale college have been 10+ 0N in Hve years. rvard college woek of L onime < week, Tt will be the amon will be two coloy nts from Washing- ton. The Vaticap library contains 24,000 manu- ntal, 3,052 plete cata- £ pre- d and is to be publi uthorities of the University of New Orleans offered the presidency of that justi- tution to Rev. Georze A. Phinney, of Pea- body. Mass., but that tleman, for per- 1S o reh. son a: lined, and will remain with his own et Kent a pudlic | 56,000, 0ver ¢ schools, ale semi- i here is not a sa- ors, and _intoxicating o Be sold for any pur- libra: es act, by the terius of which a tax not exceeding ope penny in the.pound i charzed to defray the « public libraries Dir. Gautsch. the Austrian mi eation bont to issue a ¢l uthorities in universities 1o express ONS a8 16 S0 proposed radieal in the university cirricu br. Gautsch proposes to modernize undergradu- i rank in ex- and re! ister propose 1ghly study con- AN UNFORTUNATE LAWYER. He Tackles a Deaf Witness and Gets Worsted. Detroit Free Press: Several 3 while Antriin count Mich., « tion a breach of the cirenit court = one Eliza J. Spooner, alleged that Will'am Smith had trifled with her young affections se: ously much. He had, by promise to \rry.induced her to give up one Samuel nes, who was also an admirer of bers, and who, under the smart of her refusa. had since joined himself in the bonds of hoty matrimony to Lucy Skinner, and,in conseguence, was now out of market, which the suing party claimed had blight- ed ber fondest hopes and cast about $125 worth of gloom over her future § The plantif’s vrincipal witness was “Uncle” Dave Bagley. Me was over seventy, and very deaf. One of his pecu- liarities was to always answer a guestion, and 1t made no diflerence whether he un- : his reply was ready. wyer for the defense was a hitle, asthmatic, choleric man named Somers, :Lmd this was his cross-examination of Incle “Mr. Bag you have taken a solemn oath to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. You say that | upon a certain night you saw said Eliza J. Spooner and William Smith—the man before you—together. You also said that they were seated upon Mr. John Spooner's back porch w you will please state 1o the jury the exact date of this oecurrence,” izy June Spooner was a Smith's lap, an’ he— Hold on!" interrupted Som- nswer my question di- nd ‘unequivocally.” scttin’ on Bi o, sh tly Bill had his arm sround her a hug- % the gin’ h pursued old man com- The defense it the wit- ness, and then glanced around the court rof Evi 1e wore & look of extreme felicitylthat was litlelealenlated to soothe his ruthed temper. Turning to the wit- ness again he said emphatically You do not seem to catch my mean- ing. 1simply nsked the date of this oo- currence.” ol that's w'at 1 said Kissed her forty-seven times in less'n twen utes, an’ then Somers ed the atmosphere ex- eitedly and howled “When did this ¢ “Oh! W’y didn’t e say so afore, young man*” Then, reflectively Waal, bein' 's 't I'm under oatn I sh'd jec might ‘n’ a leetle after 11 o'clock 't night.” The 1awyer nearly choked, but secing that he was fast losing gromnd with the jur\.]h partially ra“u-...f:sud said quite slowly ‘1 mean the of this “Oh! 1 sh'd jedge sh half an bour, 'n then the lie 5ot on This was too much all convulsed with laughter. The judge’s n face widened into a grin_ Som- ers jumped up and began speaking ex- citedly Uncle Dave watched him for two or three minutes, and then. thinking thai be w Iking about Miss Spooner, he squeaked out *Now, you look a here, young feller, don't ‘e mever say nothin' agin ‘lazy Jane, 'Lizy Jane’s fine er gal's ever trod sole lesther. "Taint nothin agin her if Bill Smith codded her ap to think he'd splice up with her. But the old y was removed from the box, and as he walked down the room he growied out E young fly teap! 'E may young gal out'n her feller, but 4 oe date. What was the date sot on his lay changed off 'n The jurymen were fool a e can’l con an old wan like Uncle Dave Bagley. No siree. Take one of Dr. J. H. Mclean's Liver a1.d Kiduey Pillets at night before going tand you will be surprised how ant and vigorous you will feel ner Only 25 couls & vial, 10 b | buc | e