Omaha Daily Bee Newspaper, December 20, 1880, Page 7

PEPPERMINT DROPS. Applejack is reported so plentifal in Nl’.l:' {Ioney that people bathe in it. Out in the mines they shoot a man who refuses to drink his soup straight from the plate. To remove superfluous hair—Send your well filled matress to be done over by a cheap upholsterer.—[Boston Commercial Balletin. Patrick comes tothe morgue to olaim a lost relative. ‘‘Hashe any peculiarity by which he can be recog- nized?” asks thelguardisn. ‘‘Yes, he is dumb.” “Where are you going so fast Mr. Johoson §7 ““Home, sir, home; don’t detain me, I have just got a new bon- net for my wife, and must deliver it before the fashion changes.” A witnessunder cross-examination, who had been tortued by alawyer for several hours, at last asked for a glass of water. ““There,"said the judge, *'T think yon'd better let the witness go now, as you have pumped him A patent medicine notice in many of our exchanges is headed ‘‘an edi- tor's escape.” We haven't read it, but weareglad that he escaped. We suspect that while the man with the bill was coming up stairs the editor jumped out of the window and slid down the rain spout. Iy this Mexico?” excitedly asks the editor of The Oshkosh Northwestern. For the sake of the Mexicans we hope not. A lsrge and prosperous country like this might stand one Oshkosh, but to start another one ina republic already weakened by internal strife would bea little too tough. The last fashionablecraze is the collectinn of fancy kitchen utensils. We fully expect to see newepaper office utensils become fashionable yet —old paste pots, pencil stubs,’decayed shears, broken down horses, spittoons on the retired list, and superannuated offioe cats.—[Myran Advertiser. Christmas draws near, and the savor of roasted goose will soon assail the grateful nostril. Inmerry Eng- 1sndithey still have the boar’s head on the table, but we Americans have made an ‘‘improvement” on the cas- tom. Instead of a single one on, we often have half a dozen bores’ heads around the table. There is no word in the English fanguage, no matter how complicated, that Dave Robinson is not as famil- far with as if he had made it himself. “‘Are these terrapins you have here on Galveston itland smphibious 7" asked newly arrived stranger. “‘Are they lamfiberous? Why, boss, dey is one ob de chief delikicies ob de sea- son. Epicacs jess live on 'em. I should say dey was lamfiberous”— {Galveston News. “My son,” said a south end father, as he prepared to lather the lad with a clapboard, “I regret the nscessity of punishing you. I had rather be whipped than punish you. I amsure it makes me feel a great deal worse thau 1t does you.” And the lad who felt mighty revengeful toward the old man, all the same, told a friend abou¢ it, and said thet if he believed the old man that worthy would be kept thumping him all the time.—[Boston Post. While the present cold snap has de- layed the mails and frozen up the water pipes, it has also given us ex- cellent skating, and those who enjoy this healthful exercise are wisely making the most of it. One of the old poets, has compared skaters to “‘Homeric gods, striding with wirged feet over the sea transmuted into solid ground.” This is a bold figure, but 1t is all right as long as a skater keeps his forked end down. When he fails to do this he is anything be- fore he is a Homeric god.—[Cincin- nati Enquirer. “Now, you know,” remarked the new Sonday school teacher, as he beamed kindly on the intereated class of boys, “that Robert Bruce, as he lay in the bed, saw a spider cast its web seven times, failing every time, but the eighth attempt was success- ful. Now, what was the result?” And he looked into the eager, up- tarned faces before him. And then an exceedingly small boy, with phe- nomenally large freckles,-at the foot of the claes, whose folks had been cleaning house the week before,spoke up and said that the woman came in the next morning with a broom and -dustpan, and carried the spider out, a clay-cold corpse. And then the school sang, while the new teacher sat down and wiped his forehead. — JRockland Courier. “‘My ‘sperience in dis life has taught me dat de man who swaps mules wid his eyes shut am sartin to git de wust obit. Brudderly feelin' goes a good ways in case ob sickness, or want, or death, bat it seldom reaches down to a hess trade. If I war buyin’ a mule oba manI had knowed ali my life, I should begin at de hoofs an’ look dat animile ober clear to de pint ob de nose. I shouldn’t ’spect him to tell ‘me dat be had filed down any teef or puttied ober any hoof cracks. My ad- vice am not to lie or deceive in trad- in’ mules, but to answer as few quesh- uns as you kin, an' ssem sort o’ keer- less whedder yo offer am 'cepted or not.”—[Brother Gardner in Detroit Free Press. IMPIKTIES. You must excuse the reverend gen- tleman if his sermons lack substance just now, his time is s» much taken up with grab bags and raffl .s. Mr. Sankey asks: ““Oh, where are the nine?” Oh, they are banda:ing their sick thumbs and poulticing their lame eyes for next summer's cam- paigo. Talmage is bounded on the morth by his ears, on the south by his feet, on the esst and west by his elbows. g‘;n. Where does his mouth come Fourteen female missionaries have me out to work amoag the Utah ormons. It is hopad that they will not all marry the same man and so contract their usefulness. “Why," asked a Sanday school teacher of a little boy, “did Jacob marry the two danghters of Laban?" ““I dunno, except perhaps he was sat- dafied with one mother-in-iaw, "' Occasionally men turn wuwp as THE DAILY BEE: DECEVMIBER 20, 1880, preachers who claim to be reformed actors, whatever they may be. When a reformed preacher, however, leaves the pulpit and becomes an actor on the dramatic stage, he must rest h'a merits on what he is rather than on what he bas been. A Cleveland boy was asked by his teacher if he did not “want to be an angel and wit) the angels stand.” Saud the boy: I would rather stand here until after Christmss, snd see if Santa Claus does not briug ms a top and a new sled.” A cute little five-year old, whose parents were connec ed with the Pre:- byterian church, said : “ Mamma, was Christ a Jew?” *Y-s, dear,” re plied the mother. * W.lI, that's ange, now isn’t it, mamma, when father, God, was a Presbyterian 1” The minister asked the Sunday school: “With what remrkabie wea pon did Sampion at one time slay a number of Phillistines?” Fur a while there was no answer, and the minis- ter, to assist the ch 1d.en a little, be- gan tapping his jaw with the tip of fioger, at the rame time saving: ““What's this—what's thi-1’ Quick as thought a little fellow qui'e 1uno- cently replied: “Tae jaw oone of an ass, sir.” A few thoughts in church: “This sermon is a bore” ‘‘How much longer will he preach?” ‘‘That min isn’tat all bad looking.” “I wonder if Emma is enzaged.” “Well, if old Mrs. Foo Fooisu’t wearing a turban, too.” “I wonder how much that bonuet cost.” “It eounds as if he was going to close up the sermon.” ““I do wish that Bernhardt season had commenced.” *‘‘I've a grest miud to have it trimmed with scarlet” ‘I must order a new pair of of thoes to- rorrow and the material for that wrapper, and visit Mme. X's to try on that dress.” ‘‘There’s Ed. Cochunk we saw in Newport last summer.” ““How that girl does lace!” *‘Amen! My!isn't it nice to get out.” EDUCATIONAL. Philadelphia hss at present no night schoole, as all the appropriations made for the purpose were long ago exhausted. The preparatory department of Lin- coln Universi'y hss sent altogether 400 young colored men to the Sou'h as teachers or mis'ers. The col- legiate department has gradnated 133 students. The Siberian University is rapidly becomiug established. The Russian government bifore the founiation stone was laid had expendad $355 000 A library of 35000 volumes has al- ready been c llacted. A very large majority of the classi- cal teachers and ot the classical first- class men who recently voted on the qnestion of the eatabl shment of a scientific degree at Cimbridge Univer- sity were on the lueing side— hat of science. Common schocl education is receiv- ing quite a general discu:sion through the pressof the country. The opis- jon obtans in many cases that the great mistake of our system is thit it does not seck to provide pupils with an industrial education. After several years’ exparimenting with costly machinery and apparatus, the Indianapolis school board has been compelled to direct the comwittee on buildings and grounds to iavestigats and report the cost of ficting up tha buildings now heated by steam with stoves. Stesm-heating has not proved satisfactory euhar in ventilation or the d'stribution of heat. There are s1x cosmopolitan achoola in San Franc's:o in which French cr Grrman is taught. There ar- 438 pu- pils studing Kreuch and 2.065 »t dy ing German. Of »ll these pupils 639 are the children of Americin parents. | The annual expenses of these schools amount to $6,028, and the progress of the pupils 1s exceediogly satisfzciory. It is proprsed to est blish a cosmo- politan primary school. In Kirgston, N.Y, the graded school yst.m 18 pronouvced a tailure by the boara of education. One of its members says: ‘“We are obliging every pup 1 to prepare to ¢o into and through the acidemy; we are bound down with too much red tape; and all the energies of our teachers are ex- hausted in forcing compliance with certain prescribed rules and regu'a- tions, and the poor vicim zed boys and virls are given to understand that sumum bonum of existence is in re- m mberiug the necessity of turning out the toes at a certain angie when standing in cless.” While this state- ment may seem a litt]s too impetucus, it is not wihout reason. There is nothing so destructive of thorovgh and intelligent teaching as ‘‘cast iron rules,” and of these the American school systm is full. A Poll Parrot. Bt. Louis Republican, Dec. 16:h. Tom Hand, thedeputy constable in Justice P. J. Tsaffs's court, went out yesterday to se'zs $20 worth of goods from Mrs. Robert Morton of No. 717 Chestout street. When he got over there he found the house cleaued out and nothing 1<ft ia it but Mrs. Mr- ton’s pet poll parrot, which was parched away upon a window sill. Tom nused all around the house, and not finding anything was sbout to leave with empty hands, when the parrot sung oui: *‘Hilloa! Hilloa! Hlloa!” Tumlcked up and siw the bird. ‘“‘Here’s s)mothing,” axii he to himself, *“‘that’s woith $20; I'll hitch on to 1.” He reached up to graso P11, but Poll would not be seiz3d and pecked at him and sung: ‘‘Hands ofi! Haunds off! I'll call the | pe-lers!” *“I'm a constable,” said Tom; “I'va got the papers there, and you can call whom please,” ‘Durn the bapars,” said Poll. ““Police! police!” _ Tot made snother grab, and this time caught Pull by the throat and carried her over to court. When he got thera he put herin a basket. As soon as Poli's throat was free again ehe opened enother tirade on Tow. | She called him all manner of 1 mos, and ended each sentence with, “You cau go to Chicago; you are nu gentle- man, Poll had bagun to give the well as the constable a e mind when Mrs. Morton « paid the $20 sued for. S would sooner pay $40 th: art as : of her and vd she lose her Poll. Then she picked Poll up and kissed her and carried her away; and ay she went out of ¢ urt Pi1l called with a loud v iice, ““O, the loafers; O, thedirty loafer-!” Cunsta-le Carroll, his deputy, and all the other «fficers of the court say that Mra. Morton’s parrot can ‘‘cuss’ louder and more to the poiut “‘than any man they ever see.” THE COLORADO BUSINESS COLLEGE Thisinstitntion, located at Denver, Co'or do, the Eduation and Commercial center of the West. is pre-omin ntiy the vest and most practl- cal of its kind for the MERCANTILE TRAINING Young Men and Ladies. G. W. FOSTER, President, D. W. CADY, Secretary, The most extensive, thorongh and complete nstituion of the kind in the world. Tnousands of accoun-ants and Busincss men, in the prin: cipal cities and towns of the United States, owe their success to vur cvurse of training. The Right Kind of Education for Youog Men and Ladies. Fine, new brick block. at junction of three street car lines E'egantly fitted and farnished apartments for the application of and carrying oat of our novel and systematic methods of BUSINESS TRAINING. Young men who contemplate a businees life, and parents having sons to educate, are partica- larly requested to send for our new Circular, which will give full informition as to terms, ondition of entrance, etc. Address @. W. FOSTER, President, - A-3m Danvar, Coloradn. BENOEBSLSIOR Machine Works, oMATA, NEE. J. Hammond, Prop. & Manager. The we-t chororgh appointe and complete Machine 8hoj A Foundry in the -tate Castings of every d scr ption maiufactad Fneines, Pumps and eve y class of machinery made to orger. pecial stten'ion given to Well Augurs, Pull: ys, flangers, Shafting,Bridge Irons,Geer Tatting, etc Planstor new Machinery, Meachanical Draaght ng, Models, etc., neatly executed. 58 Enrnsvv St Bet. 14th and 15th. BUSINESS COLLEGE. THE GREAT WESTERN: Geo.R. Rathbun, Principal, Creighton Block, - OMAHA Send for Circular, nov20dEw bt LARA’S East India Pile Care. The only specific for all forms of Piles. In use in foreign coun- tries for years, lately intro- duced into America. Warrant. i ed to give instant relief and a gcrmunent cure guaranteed. Sold by all druggists or mailed free on receipt of price, 50 cents, by the American agents, Richardson & Co. \\'Im?esnle Druggists, Saint Louis, Mo. ZARA’S BILIOUS PILILS, guaranteed to give immediate reliefin all cases of Bilious and Liver Complaints, Cos- tiveness, Sick Headache, In- digestion, and cleansing the system of all impvrities. Price 25 cents. All druggists sell ‘them. LARA’S IN USE FORTY YEARS, Dr. Storm’s CELEBRATED SCOTCH Gough Candy ASafe and Pleasant Remedy for COUGHS, COLDS, ASTHMA, HOARSENESS and Strengthen- ing the Lungs. SOLD EVERY WHERE. Price only 10 Cents. A. W. NiSON. DENTIST, Orrios: Jaoob's ¥ ek, coruer Capitol Ave. and 16¢h Stroot, Omada, Neh, PHE DAY BREK OMAHA PUBLISHING CC., PROPRIETORS. 916 raruhain, bel. Yt and 10tA Streets TERMS OF SUBSCRIPTION, 1 Oopy 1 year, in advance (postpaid). . 6monte @ e 3 months s L 1Me T BLES THE MAILS. , 11:40a. m. Lincoln, 10 & m. opoamqona orenine ., 11 a m, 11 p. m, , 930 p. m. n., 11p m. incolu, 12:10 p. my . m m@oanana .0 § P- M. s for States lowa leave but once s s m pen from 12 to 1 p, m. Sundays. THOMAS F. HALL Postmuster. And Departare of Trains Arrival UNION PACIFIC. TIME CARD OF THE BURLINGTON. LEAVE OMABA. ARRIVE OMAHA 40 p m. lxsm- 10:00 a. m, :00 & m. | Mall. 0:00 p_ o Bundays Excepted. Eundays Excepted. CHICAG O, RO( K IBLAND & PACIFIC. out of Omaha to Union Depot, OMAHA & NORTHWESTERN AND [SIOUX CITY & PACIFIC FATLROADS. Expross......8:00 a. m. | Fxpreen, Daily Except Sundays. B & ¥. R.R. In NEBRASKA. LEAVE. ARR V] Fxpres.......8:%0a m | Freight Froght ...... 6:65 p m | Expra 8 SIOUX CITY & ST, PAULR. R. Mal... 6:10am | Fap ese. Expross 840pm | WABASH, ST. LOUI= & LEAVRS. Mall......— 8am | Mall—. Express..._8:40 p. m. | Express E BRIDGE DIVISION U. R. Leavo Omaha, dafly.—8 2 m,93.m,10 & m., tlam.lpm,2p. m,3p.m,6p m,6p. m., Leave Conncil BinfTs; s m, 2andb6p. m 11:25's m., and 2:25 PASSENGER TRAINS. Leave “maba:—6 3, m., 7 a m., 8:30 m., 4:50 p. m., 7:26 p. m., eave Council Biuffs:— 6:18 a. m,, 9:40a. m., 1140 8, m.5:25 p m., 7:00 p. m., 7:50 p. mw. Daily except Sunday. OMAAA & REPUBLICAN VALLEYR. . ARRIVE. 4:35 p. m. Mail... . m., xcept Sundays. ATTORNEYS-AT-LAW CHARLES POWELL, USTICE OF THE PEACE—: orner 16th and <} Farnham Sta., Omaba Neb. WM, SIMERAL, TTORNEY AT LAW-Room 6, Creighton Black, 15th St, OMAHA NEB. 0. L. THOMAS, TTORNEY AT LAW—Loans mouey, buya £\ and sells real estate. Room 8, Creighton Sinck, A. €. TROUP, TTORNEY AT LAW--Office in Hanscom's Block, with George K. Pritchett, 1506 ‘ambam St OMAHA. NEB. DEXTER L. THOMAS, TTOBNKY AT LAW-—Crujcxsusnk » Suaild fng ardd A. M- GHADWICK, TTORNEY AT LAW—Office 1504 Farnham ~ R|tr et. WM. L. PEABODY, ¢ AWYKE —Ofice—In Crelghton Block, next te A Post Ofiice, OMAHA, NEBRASKA. 2@ Patents Procured. B “OTARY rUBLID. OOLLEOTIONS MADR "OPiEH & BARTLETT, Attorneys-at-Law, OFFICE-Unlon Block.Fi*teenth and Farnham® D S. BENTOMN, ATTORNEY AT LAW. ARBACH BLOCK, COR. DOUG- & I5TH 8T8, OMAHA, NEB. W. J. Connell, Attorney-at-Law. Offioe:—Frout rooms, up stalrs, in Hanscom's \ew brick building, N.' W. comer Fifteenth and Farnham Btrecte. . KavIoK. CHAz R. BEDIOK RepickE & REDICK, Attorneys-at-Law. al attention will be given to all vuits corporations of description ; will ractics tn al ithe Courts of the Btate and the Jnited States. Office. Famnham 8t., opposite Jonurt Honse. EOWARD W. SIMERAL, TTORNEY AT LAW—Room 6 Creighton Block, 16th and Doavlas streets. noSdn $. F. MANDERSON, TTORNEY AT LAW-—341 Omaha Nebraaka. W T. RICHARDS. ©. J. Hout RICHARDS & HUNT, Attorneys-at-Law, 077105—215 South Fonrteenth Street. VINEGAR WORKS ) ERNST KREBS, Manager. Ma- ufacturer of all kinds of VINEGAR. J-es St Bet 9th awiluin, ONMAHa, NEB KAILISEL THE MERCHANT TAILOR, fsprepared to make Pants, Suits and overcoats to ordez. Prices, fit and workmanship guarauteed o ruit, One Door West cf (Iruickshank’s. 101y JNO. G. JACOBS, (Formerly of Gish & Jrooba) UNDERTAKER Neo. 1417 Farnham 3t., Oid Btand of Jacob Glo ORDKRS B THLRGRAPH SCLICITH = Xp 778 ek gl2a diy st oms easily male; czsh B 40arat ten. Add vess Tras & Co.Portiad, e, » | Shuida Cloths and Momies, HOLIDAY GOODS A Ceaichshank 4 Co. A Cruickshank g Co. “APPROPRIATE GIFTS,” Suitable for a Christmas Present. Satinand Pearl Fans, Emb’d Fancy Baskets, Pearl Card Cases, Belts, Purses and Fans, Silk Hosiery, Collars and Cuffs, Sets in Faney Boxes, Ladies’ Ilan,lkerclliel’s, Gentlemen’s Handkerchiefs, Children’s HandKkerchic f5, Ladies’ Fine Hosiery, Gents’ Mufflers and Ties, Initial Handkerchiefs, Fancy Jewelry, .arris Kid Gloves, Foster Kid Gloves, Gorvin Kid Gloves, Spanish Lace Ties, Real Duchess Lace, Turkish Satin Ties, Laece Fichus, Real Lace Ties, Guinet Black Silks, Guinet’s Cashmere Silks, Telliard Black Silks, Te.liard 24-inch Silks, Alexandre Black S:lks, Party Dress Silks, Brocade Silks and Velvets, Cloak and Dress Velvets, Nilk and Wool Dress Goods, Lupin’s Black Cashmeres, Plushes and Satins, Cloaks and 7 olmans, Walking Jackets and Hamlocks Ulsters and Circulars, Fur Lined Circulars, Camel's Hair Shawls, Fine Wool Shawls, Blankets and Robes, Piano Covers and Spreads, Tab!e Covers and Tidies, Satin Emb'd Tidies, Lace Curtains, MILLINERY. MILLINRY. SCARLET UNDERWEAR. We Particularly urge the gentlemen to come and make a selection from the above named articles, being confident that we havethe largest and best assorted stock in Omaha, and many noveltles ex- cluswvely our own. Although we have a large an efficient staff of help, we ask an early call, to avoid the afternoon rush. A. CRUICKSHANK & CO0., - Importers and Relailers. HOLIDAY GOODS.