Lakeland Evening Telegram Newspaper, February 19, 1915, Page 4

New Fable & Susan and the Daughter and the 3 3 ¥y t By GEORGE ADE by MeUlure Newspaper Syndicate) Once there was a full-blown Wild b, registered in the Family Bible | Susan Mabaly. | Her Pa divided his time between | ting at & Toll-Gate and dehnd-' the Military Reputation of Andy | kson. The family dwelt in what was then jarded by Cambridge, Mass., as the | light Zone of Semi-Culture, viz., | iszett County, Pennsylvania. Susan wore Linsey-Woolsey from ; onday to Saturday. She never had | mpered Wwith her Venus de Milo! ppography and she did not even sus- ! that Women had Nerves. | When she was seventeen she had a pre-Arm like a Member of the Turn- rein. ; She knew how to Card and Weave pd Dye. Also she could make Loose | oap in a kettle out in the Open Air. | Susan mever fell down on her Salt- | T they-were - 1 the Hand of anulene:.m. ki | When thedamily ran low on Quinine, | all he had to do Was to hook up nnd' | drive ity miles to the nearest Town, where he would trade the Furs fo; Necessities such as Apple Jack and Navy Twist, and possibly a few Lux- llr:)el such as Tea and Salt. M one of these memorable T: t:e;!:le Bu:re. adMood Which combi‘:zs ment an seized upon mm-reckleu ety He thought of the brave Wi Who was back there in the lona::ull: E::ck{, lho(;lng the Prairle Wolves y from the Cradle, and ! to reward her. i With only three Gills of Fence under the Wammus, he -.g::: his Wild-Cat Currency on the Coun- ter and purchased a $6 Clock, with Jig:saw ornaments, a shiny coat of Varnish, and a Bouquet of Pink Roses on the door. Susan burst into Tears when she saw it on the Wall, alongside of the Turkey Wing, and vowed that she had married the Best Man in the World. Twenty years later, Jennie, the first begotten Chick at the Log House in the Clearing, had matured and mar ried, and was living at the County- | Seat with Hirom, Money-Changer and Merchant. i Railroad Trains, Side-Bar Buggies, Coal-Oil lamps, and the Civil War had come along with a Rush and disar- ranged primitive Conditions. The Frontier had retreated away over into Kansas. In the very township where, of late, ! the Beaver had toiled without Hin- ! drance and the Red Fox dug his hole unscared, people were now eating ! Cove Oysters and going to see “East ! Lynne.” “Hiram was In rugged Health, hav- ing defended the flag by Proxy dur- ing the recent outcropping of Acri-' mony between the Devotees of Cold | Bread and the slaves of Hot Biscuit. : | and a la Mode. sing Bread. Her Apple Butter was The Substitute had been perforated be- fways Al. i yond repair at the Battle of Kenesaw It was commonly agreed that she | Mountain, proving that Hiram made ould make some Man a good House- | no mistake in remaining behind to | eeper, for she was never sickly and tend Store. | puld stay on her Feet sixteen hours When Jennie moved in where she t a Stretch. could hear the Trains whistle and be- Already she was beginning to look | 8an to sport a Cameo Brooch, she own the Pike for a regular Fellow. could barely remember wearing a Slip | In the year 1840, the Lass of seven- | 80d having Stone Bruises. | een who failed to get her Hooks on | Hiram was Near, but he would | ome roaming specimen of the Oppo- | loosen up a trifle for his own Fireside. ite Gender was in danger of being The fact that Jennie was his Wife | hispered about as an Old Maid. Celi- cy was listed with Arson and Man- laughter. Rufus was destined to be an Early Fictorian Rummy, but he could lift a paw-Log, and he would stand without being hitched, so Susan nailed him jhe third time he came snooping round the Toll-Gate. Rufus did not have a Window to hoist or a Fence to lean on. But here is no Poverty in any Pocket of he Universe until Wealth arrives ind begins to get Luggy. Susan thought she was playing in re Luck to snare a Six-Footer who pwned a good Squirrel Rifle and could put-wrassle all Comers. The Hills of Pennsylvania were be- roming congested, with Neighbors not more than two or three miles apart, so [Rutus and his Bride decided to hit New Trail into the Dgrk Timber nd grow up with the Boundless West. Relatives of the Young Couple taked them to a team of Pelters, a Muley Cow, a Bird Dog of dublous An- cestry, an Axe, and a Skillet, and started them over the Divide toward the porilous Frontier, away out yen- der in Illinoy. It was a Hard Life. As they trun- dled slowly over the rotten Roads, to- ward the Land of Promise, they had to subsist largely on Vemison, Pral- rie Chicken, Quail, Black Bass, Ber- ries, and Wild Honey. They carried their own Coffee. Arrived at the Jumping-Off Place, they settled down among the Mink and Musk-Rats. Rufus hewed out and jammed together a little two by twice | Cabin with the Flue running up the outside. It looked ornery enough to be the Birthplace of almost any Success- ful American. The Anopheles Mosquito was wait- ing for the Ploneers. In those good old Chills-and-Fever days, no one ever blamed it on the Female of the Spe- cleg. Those who had the Shakes al- 1 gave her quite a Standing with him. He admired her for having made such & Success of her Life. They dwelt in a two-story Frame with countlees Dewdads and Thingum- bobs tacked along the Eaves and Scal- loped around the Bay Windows. ‘The country people who came in to see the Eighth Wonder of the World used to stand in silent Awe, breathing through their Noses. Out on the Lawn, surrounded by Geraniums, was a CastIron Deer which seemed to be looking at the Court House in a startled Manner. It was that kind of a Court House. In her Front Room the daughter of Rufus and Susan had wonderful Wax Flowers, sprinkled with Diamond Dust; a What-Not bearing Mineral Specimens, Conch-Shells, and a Star Fish—also some Hair-Cloth Furniture, very slippery and upholstered with After Hiram gave her the Black Silk and paid for the Crayon Enlargements of her Parents, Jennie did not bave the Face to Bonme him for anything more, but she longed in secret and Hiram suspected. Jennie was a Soprano. Not a reg- ular Soprano, but a Country-Town So- prano, of the kind often used for aug- menting the Grief at a Funeral. Her voice came from a point about two inches above the Right Eye. She had assisted a Quartet to do things to “Juanita,” and sometimes she tossed out hints about wishing she could practice at Home. Jennie was a Nice Woman but she did need Prac- tice. Although Hiram was tighter than the Bark of a Sycamore, he liked to have other Women envy the Mother of his Children. When he spread himself from & Shin-Plaster, he expected a Fanfare of Trumpets. It took him a long time to unwind the .String Jrom the- Wallet, byt .he WOUId DT 11T thought Be Was Boost: . ing his own Game. i By stealthy short-weighting of the : Country Trade and holding out on the | Assessor, he succeeded in saltingaway | m)mrr:us Kopecks in one corner of | afe afe, While in Chicago to buy his Winter Stock, he bargained for two days and finally bonght a Cottage Melodeon, With the Stooi thrown in. Jennie would sit up and pump for Hours at.a time, happy in the knowl- edge that she had drawn the Capital Prize in the Lottery of Hymen. In the year 1886 there was some Church Wedding at the County-Seat. Frances, daughter of Hiram and Jen- ! nie, had knocked the Town a Twister | when she came home from the Female ' College wearing Bangs and toting a ! Tennis Racquet. All the local Gallants, with Cocoa- Oil in their hair and Rings on their Cravats, backed into the Shrubbery. Hiram had bought her about $1,800 ; worth of Hauteur at the select Insti | tution of Learning. All she had to do was look at a Villager through her Nose-Specs and he would curl up like an Autumn Leaf. A Cuss from Chicago came to see! her every few weeks. His Trousers seemed to be choking him. The Pompadour was protected by a Derby of the Fried-Egg species. It was the kind that Joe Weber helped to keep in Public Remembrance. But in 1886 is was de Rigeur, au Fait, i Frances would load the accursed’ City Chap into the high Cart and ex- Ribit him up and down all the Resi- dence Thoroughfares. On nearly every Front Porch some ' Girl whose Father was not interested | in the First National Bank would peer | out through the Morning Glories at the Pageant and then writhe like an | Angle-Worm. The Wedding was the biggest thing that had struck the town since Fore- Peoria to Decatur. Frances was not a popular Girl, on account of being so Uppish, so those who could not fight their way into the Church climbed up and looked through the Windows. The Groom wore a Swallow-Tail. Most of those present had seen Pic- tures of the Dress Suit. In the Fire- side Companion, the Gentleman wear ing one always had Curls, and the ‘Wood-Engraving caught him in the ' act of striking a Lady in the Face and saying “Curse you!” The Feeling at the was that Frances had taken a Des- perate Chance. s The Caterer with Colored Help in | ‘White Gloves, the ruby Punch sus- pected of contalning Liquor, the Jap- anese Lanterns attached to the Maples, the real Lace in the Vell, the glitter ing Array of Pickle-Jars, and a well defined Rumor that most of the im- ported Ushers had been Stewed, gave the agitated Hamlet something to blat | Seat. He changed the Terms in several Leases and was ensbled to slip her a hot Surprise on the Birthday. When she came down the Steps for the usual bowl along the Avenue, so as to get some Fresh Smoke, she be- held a rubber-tired Victoria, drawn by two expensive Bang-Tails in jingly Harness and surmounted by import- ant Turks in overwhelming Livery. She was so trancified with Delight that she went right over to Willough- by and gave him a Sweet Kiss, after looking about rather carefully for the exposed portion of the Frontispiece. Frances did a lot of Calling within the next two weeks, and to all those who remarked upon the smartness of the Equipage, she declared that the Man she had to put up with carried a Throbbing Heart even if he was an Intellectual Midge. In the year 1913, a slender Young , all of whose riabiliments seemed melting and dripping down- ward, came wearily from Stateroom B. as the Train pulled into Reno, ; Nevada. ¢ | She seemed quite alone, except for & couple of Maids. After she had given Directions con- cerning the nine Wardrobe Trunks ; and the Live Stock, she was motored to a specially reserved Cottage at the corner of Liberty Street and Hope Avenue. Next day she sat at the other side l of a Table from a Lawyer, removing the poisoned Javelins from her fragile Person and holding them up before the shuddering Shyster. She had a Tale of Woe calculated to pulp a Heart of Stone. In blocking out the Affidavit, her sympathetic At- torney made Pencil Notes as follows: Her name was Ethel Louise, fa- vorite Daughter of Willoughby and Frances, the well-’known Blue-Bloods : of the Western Metropolis. | insatiable love for tobacco. to Okeechobee on the yourself Journey Jacksonville. Okeechobee Fs yield big crops of corn, cane, cowpeas, velvet beans, rape, besides raising Bermuda, Rhodes, Para, Natal and other grasses these crops available, cattle, sheep and hogs can have green food the year round. Thousands of Acres of Our Land at the North End of Lake Okeechobee Are Now Ready for Cultivation These lands do not need draining just what these lands are. Note that Okeechobee is now only a trifie over twelve ts, kudzu, spineless cactus? '::nl‘:-y and pasture. With [ other than small ditches necessary on farm. Make & :amtdday.udn Investigate This Wonderful Country While You Can Have a You will find it unexcelled for general farming, livestock and poultry raising and for kinds of vegetables common to Florida as well as the finest citrus fruit. This town and rate during the next few years. We also have excellent land and lots at Chuluota and sville—the former a fine lake section in Seminole County suited will grow at an amazis fruit growing, trucking and general farming, and the latter a fertile pine land country in County especially adapted to stock raising, general farming and fruit growing. Write today full particulars to J. E. INGRAHAM, Vice-President Land and lm!utrill Department, Florida East Coast Railway Room 218 City Building Never a companionable™ bua has at least one human weaknec: One of ?hb had finished off at Miss Snif- | ¢y methods used by Arabs in taming fie's exclusive School, which over ! wijiq camels is to fix a kind of cigar paugh stopped over on his way from | looked the Hudson and the Common | polder in the animal's mouth and in- | School Branches. | sert a huge, loosely-rolled cigar. As After she learned how to enter a | goon as the camel starts to draw, ft { Bal-Room and while on her way to | pecomes remarkably docile, and quick- | attack Europe for the third time, the |y Jearns to inhale the smoke and emit | Viper crossed her Pathway. | it through the nostrils. The one draw- She accepted him because hisname bpack of the system is that the know- was Hubert, he looked like an Eng- | ing brute becomes a cenfirmed smoker i lishman, and one of his Ancestors and refuses to budge without his ci- ! turned the * water into Chesapeake gar. Bay. | | Some of the Most Valuable Discov- ‘While some of the Wedding Guests | eries "Have Been Brought | County-Seat ' were still in the Hospital, he began to practice the most diabolical Cruel- ties. He induced her to get on his yacht and go cruising through the Mediter- ; ranean when she wanted to take an Apartment in Paris. At Monte Carlo he scolded her for . borrowing 3,000 Francs from a Rus- sian Grand Duke after she went broke at bucking the Wheel. She had met the Duke at a Luncheon the day be- fore and his Manners were perfect. ‘The Lawyer said that Hubert was a Pup, beyond all Cavil. Cairo, Egypt, ylelded up another about for many and many a day. The Bachelor of Arts grabbed off by the daughter of Jennie and the granddaughter of Susan was the owner of Real Estate in the congested ! Business District of a Town which came {nto Public Attention later on through the efforts of Frank Chance. His front name was Willoughby, but Frances always called him “Dear,” no matter what she happened to be think- ing at the time. Part of State Street had been wished on to WHioughby. He was afraid to sell, not knowing how to reinvest. So he sat back and played safe. ‘With growing Delight he watched the Unearned Increment piling up on ev- ery Corner. He began to see that he would be fairly busyeall his life, jack- ing up Rents. [ The Red-Brick Fortress to which he conducted Frances had Stone Steps in front and a secret Entrance for lowly Tradespeople at the rear. Willoughby and his wife had the high courage of Youth and the Finan- clal Support of all the Money Spend- ers along State Street, so they start- ‘Park Chapter of History. | 1t came out in the sobbing Recital ! that Hubert had presented her with a $900 prise-winning Pomeranian, direct- ly related to the famous Fifi, owned ' by the Countess Bkidoogan of Bil- Later on, he seemed to feel that the Pomeranian had come between him | and Bthel. The Situation became | more and more tense and finally, one | day in Egypt, within plain sight of the ! majestic Pyramids, he kicked Preclous | ever 80 hara and raised quite a Swel- | ling. The Legal Adviser sald Death was too good for such a Fiend. In Vienna, though, that was where he went so {ar that Separation be came inevitable. BEthel had decided to take an $80,- 000 Pearl Necklace she had seen in & Window. It was easily worth that much, and she felt sure she could get ! it in without paying Duty. She had been very successfub at bringing things Home. She could hardly. believe her Ears hen Hubert told her to forget it and | | wl ed in on Period Decoration. Each'p .. up and come out of the Spirit room in the House was supposed 0, woriq and alight on the Planet Earth. stand for a Period. Some of them ! o ).g been Heartless on previous stood for & good deal. Occasions, but this was the first time A few of the Periods looked 1Xe 1o pog peen Mean enough to renig on Exclamation Points. |a mere sideissue such as coming The young couple disregarded the ' .. 5qq with the Loose Cbange. TollGate Period and the Log-Cabin ““pute ™oL e oI® o ined to | Period, but they worked in every one | j,5yq tnat Neckiace, but the unfeeling of the Loules until the Gilt Furniture : )1 tried to kid her out of the No- gave out. | tion. . The delighted Caller at the House % beside the Lake would pass from an ! ‘:‘:? -h: %“T.m": :«“;..:.:".5 East Indian Corridor through su Early | . rondg as a Compromise. Ethel be- Colonial AnteRoom into & Japapese | oon "l Bo ihe “pact that she had “With Cosca Jil in Their Hair and Rings on All the Local Gallar it et Into the Shrubbery. Their Boudoir and, after resting his Hat.' would be escorted into the Italian | Renaissance Drawing:Room to meet ' the Hostess. From this exquisite Apartment, which ate up one year's Rent of & popular Buffet near Van Buren Street, there could be obtained a ravishing glimpse of the Turkish Cozy-Corner beyond, including the Battle-Axes and the Red Lamp. Frances soon began to hob-nob with the most delicatessen Circles, includ- | ing Families that dated back to the | Fire of 1871. i | She was not at all Dizzy, even | when she looked down from the Moun- | { tain Peak at her yappy Birthplace, 15,000 feet below. i ‘Willoughby turned out to be a satis- factory Housemate. His Voltage was | pot high, but he always ate Peas with a Fork and never pulled at the Leash when taken to a Musicale. In front of each Ear he carried a | peat Area of Human Ivy, so that he eould speak up at a Meeting of Direc- tors. Until the year 1895, the restrict- | ed Side-Whisker was an accepted Trade-Mark of Commercial Probity. This Facial Landscaping, the Frock Coat, and a steadfast devotion to Toil- et Soap made him suitable for Ex- hibition Purposes. Frances became almost fond of him, after the Honeymoon evaporated and their Romance ripened into Acquaint- | anceship. It was a gladsome day for both when she traced the Dope back through | Swiszet County, Pennsylvania, and | | discovered that she was an honest-to- goodness Daughter of the American Revolution. Willoughby could mot ask a repre- sentative of goodold Colonial Stock to_ride arpund.in g stingzaCqupe with 1 joined out with a Wad. While she was pulling & daily Sick Headache in the hope of briaging him to Taw, the Maharajah of Umslopagus came along and bought the Necklace. That was when Ethel had to be taken to & Rest Cure in the Austrian Tyrol, and she never ‘had been the Same Woman since. To all who had come pleading for Reconciliation, Ethel simply »ung out the Card, “Nothing Doing.” After a Brute has jumped up and down on the Aching Heart of a Girl of proud Lineage, he can't square himself in 1,000,000 years. S0 said Ethel, between the flowing Tears. Furthermore, there had been hope- less Incompatibility. In all the time they were together, they never had been able to agree on a Turkish ciga- rette. The professional Home-Blaster sald che had enough on Hubert to get her four Divorces. The Decree would be a Pipe. Ethel said she hoped so and to please push it along, as she had quite a Waiting-List. Moral: Rufus had no business buy- ing the Clock. Four\-!!tod Smokers. The camel, say men of eastern ex perience, has the most disconcerting mouth in the world until you are used to him. You think you will direct him, say, to the right by pulling a rein that way. But the consequence is that a great face with large eyes and larger lips turns back over its own neck and looks you in the eyes. But the direction of the camel's progress meanwhile continues unaltered. About by Chance. How to make starch from corn (maize) was discovered accidentally by Thomas Kingsford, a mechanic. One day he threw a mess of corn meal mush into the garbage pail. His wife emptied some lye into the same pail and in the morning when he emp- tied the pail he was astonished to find a small quantity of starch at the bot- tom. Thomas Bolsover, a Sheffield me-| i | 1 ! chanic, was mending the handle of & | knife made of copper and silver. He | saw these metals fuse together and, the idea of silver plating was born in his mind. He laid a thin plate of sil ver on a heavier one of copper and! heated them till the edge of the silver | began to melt. He took them from the fire, let them cool slightly, then rolled | and hammered them to the desired thickness. This was the origin of “Sheflield plate,” all of which was made in this way until electroplating was invented. H Cornelius Dubbel left a bottle of' aqua regia (a mixture of nitric and muriatic acids) on a shelf. It fell | over; the acid ran down over a win | dow and dropped into a bottle con- taining an extract of cochineal. This turned to a vivid scarlet, Dubbel found that the acid had digsolved some of the tin of the window casing and the combination had produced a new color, A few experiments added the most brilliant color to the list of dyes. f Polish That Brings Out Natural Tint. A superior polish that is said to have been kept always on hand a century ago in the best households is a sim- ple mixture and 18 made 8o Inexpen- sively at home that it can be used as freely to keep the hardwood floors in order as for polishing furniture, says the Washington Herald A quart of turpentine may be used and added, cut into fine pleces, & quar- ter of a pound of the beeswux—the old yellow variety. It will take several days to dissolve the wax, but a little shaking at intervals will shorten the time. When it is ready to use it will be of the consistency of cream, and should be used sparingly and rubbed fn well with an old piece of flannel. | It used lavishly as one is tempted to do with things that are cheap, it will look smeary. The luster from this polish is beau- titul and enduring. Every time it s used it seems to onrich and bring out the natural tints of the grain. |The Newest Introduction! NO HUMAN HAN in a plant where the san dled it, write * nd we » \ Order it at the fountain, at your favorite store. If your dealer has not yet han- Choice of Locations for Your Farm % g - ST. AUGUSTINE, FLORIDA oy il ; Il il It's A Pretty Good Plan to Shingle | ! | It's a Pretty Good Plan to Build some Sheds To keep things under cover— The plows, cultivators, binders And one thing and another . And you'll find it a pretty good plan TO LET US FIGURE YOUR Lumber and Building Material Bills Lakeland Manufacturing Company LAKELAND, FLORIDA tefore the roof begins to leak; I't a pretty good plan to batten Before the wind begins to shri POPCO0S0SOICSOIOY Moved! The Lakelard Sted Co. HAS MOVED TO WEST MAIN STREET, NEAR YATES HOUSE Seed Irish Potatoes White and Golden Dent % Beans, Corn g Onion Sets Sweet Corn L Millet, Rape and Rye Blackman’s Stock and Poultry Powder; also Dr. Hess' Magic and Bee Dee Liniment and Dip & % Call and See Us in Our New Quarters. 'S THE LAKELAND SEED COMPANY. S 0ee0008000n 415 114 000 POLOPIPOCSOFOIIHTIDI0ITODHTI0SS P asaaaasas ad s R S ] YOUR EYES Are worth more to you than most any other part of the body. When you feel them growing tired, hurting, smart- or drowsy, think of Cole & Hull for your glasses. We do our own lense grinding, all broken lenses duplicated. “A PLEASURE TO SHOW GOODS.” COLE & HULL Jewelres and Optometrists Lakeland, Fla. Q4 Q40 $ O STFOTTRRHRCEBRRRICRMHRIOD " The Cream of All lce Creams People all over Florida can now secure this wonderfully good cream—the kind that has captivated the people every- where, To the scrupulous care in making is due its flavor. - I'he raw cream comes from the finest Government in- spected cows. It is tested in our own laberatory for its per cent. of butter fat. % The very finest quality of fruit and nuts are used in THE VELVET KIND. = To make sure of the destruction of all bacteria all milk is Pasteurized, subjected to 180 degrees of heat. After the ingredients are mixed the cream is gradually cooled to 32 degrees—then it is placed in freezers and fram the freezers it is transferred to the cooling room to harden; this room is kept at zero at all times. DS TOUCH IT at any stage of its making—and it is made itation could not possibly be improved on. ”. its richness— ¢ will see that yon are supplied. ®