Lakeland Evening Telegram Newspaper, November 17, 1914, Page 6

MULVEY THE MACER By CLARENCE L. CULLEN. Mulvey the Macer, not being & member of the Panhandlers’ union, works his independent or open-shop andling route anywhere in Broad- way between Madison square and Longacre square. In one of the intersecting streets he was in the tranquil if loguacious enjoyment of an evening of rest and relaxation at his Tenth avenue hang- out, a maltorium where the hops flag- ons are high hats and hard-stuff meas- ures are short-handled dippers. He greeted me cordially and hospi- tably. “I read that t'ing o’ your'n in the Horseback magazine—ye-eh, I gotcha, The Cav-leer—about the macin’ game,” said he, a certain note of deprecation in his tone. “All I gotta say about that plece is this: It was and it wasn't, w'ich is long f'r yes and no. “Y’ don’'t wanta lis'n to these pan- ners that blurt that this town is goin’ bad. I ain’t sayin’, un’stand, that the macin’ t'ing is what it useta be here. But it's still wort’ w'ile if you know | how to duck the bulls and are hep to characterreadin’. Them’'s the two ! main wires: Flaggin' the rough-necks and knowin’ how to slant up the right marks to brace. “0’ course the first t'ing a macer’s i got to remember that expects to have the price of all the suds he can lick up when he knocks off woik is to keep | from gittin’ the souse on when he's ! operatin’ his beat. This is hard, o course; but it's gotta be done by a panner that wants to make a success o’ pannin’. “Y’see, the souse can be put off till after sundown, and it'll be all the bet- ter after you've waited for it. Jes’ take a peek at the fun I'm havin’ wit’ | meself right now, f'r instance,” and Mulvey the Macer staked himself to ! another dipperful of the “fine old mel- | low bourbon, only five cepts,” as the large placard on the barrel proclaimed it to be, and tossed the heavy shot into his system without the use of water or any other ameliorating fluid as a chaser, with every evidence of ' extreme relish, ! “As I'm chatterin’,” he went on, “that’s the first gag f'r the macer that ' act'ally expects to succeed—to hold off on his package till his woik’s been | done and all the loose duft's been | picked up and pouched. “The idee is, y’ get me, there's a | lot o' folks that objec’ to diggin’ up to a macer that looks like he wants | to lean again’ a lamp-post of a’ awnin’ pole while he chirps f'r the change. I don't know why they should objec’, | but a lot o' them do, as I'm sayin’. | “Different macers has got different ! fdees about the kind o' people thnt'li the best perducers. F'r mine, [ allus | make it a point to brace the big stifts. The little terriers ain’t diggers gen’al- ] ly. The sawed-off stift nearly ullul‘ wheels on the macer and calls him a bum and gits the clutch on his cane and swells out his 26-inch chest and | turns back his head and tries to make hisself look like the picture o' the bantam champeen. It don't make no difference what kind of a ditty the panner slips the little man in the way ©' a splel, it's allus or nearly allus the same. He gits the hoof. “The big stifts f'r mine, all the time, as I'm sayin’, and the kind wit’ the swell scenery. I allus pick out a swinger that pounds along as if he's | got a mortgage on the pavement and ! swaggers llke a man-o-wars-man at: -the beginnin' o' a four-day pickle. | Y’ can allus dope it that a heavy- breezer like this has got the change right in the little side kick, and that | he likes to hear what a warm rag he ! .Y ‘Maje,’ says I to one o' that kind, ‘youse looks like youse can chuck a | minnit's time to lis'n to the chirp o' | distress of a poor bloke that's hit the , coral reef,’ and then I sort o’ slant his | raiment over wit’ envy in me wicks. 41t he mooches right on, sayin', ‘on ; your way, bo, before I swing on youse ; £r luck,’ I fall in half step behind Bim and hurl him that one about my onct. bein’ able to flash the same kind ' swallaring togy that he's makin' such a hit wit. That gen‘ally snags® the big stifts. They pretend that | they're not listenin’, but they're lap- pin’ it in all right, and then all you‘ve' gotta do is to keep up that line o' bunk, slippin’ in one or two about ben- | ev'lent count’'nances and prosp’rous, : charitable looks, and all the like o' | that, and nine times outa ten you'll | see the big stift’s mitt makin’ f'r the change-kick in his tundc. “W'ile he's goin' f'r the chunk o change you wanta nudge in that one about Lis lockin’ as if he’d never had a day's bum luck in his life, and then he'll come back: | “‘Don't you ever git that idea in ycur bean—you don't know what hard ° Inck means. “I don't know W'y it is that ev'ry gy in th2 swell push, w'ether he was ' born wit’' the gilt fork in his chops or not, and that never was hungry of | t'irsty f'r a minnit in his life, likes to ; make hisself and others t'ink that he's : had about half o’ all the hard wallops | that ever was dished out since the be- ginnin’ o' the world. “'Don’t youse mnever t'ink I ain been over the jumps harder'n youse ever dreamed of, bo’ the big easy stift wit’ the joy togs on will say, and ‘w'en he hands you that his piece o’ change is jes' as good as salted in y'r nankeens. . “But o’ course they's different kinds ] J 4. THE EVENING TALEGRAM, LAKELAND, FLA. NOV. 17 197 ~ — o Qu—— 'o' big stifts. 1If, f'r instance, w'en | you brace the biz boob with the money | tailorin’ he hands youse the merry ! twink outa his windows and tells youse he needs all the booze coin he can earn f'r his own low appetites, then it's youse to slip him the candid spiel. Jis ‘Oh, well, I see youse is nex’, judge, says I to that kind, ‘and youse is the kind of a man that can symp" thize wit’ a bum that ain’t lifted the price o' a hooter f'r two days—not 0’ course thai youse was ever in that bad a fix y'rself, says I “‘Oh, 1 wasn’t, hey? the mark nearly allus rebates when I give him that, and he gits to musin’, as he plods along—and me not far behind | him—about the times w’en he's been i marooned in a prohibition town | somewheres w'ere he couldn’t spring a ball, and that nearly allus makes him skate to the center wit’ the price. “I've had boobs like that, in slippin’ me the kale, say: ‘Look a here, youse, it ever I hear o' youse buyin’ grub wit' that, or doin’ anythin’ else wit’ it ‘ceptin’ gettin’ as much nose-paint f'r it as it's good f'r, I'll have yoose DAVIS’ 100 pct. PURE PAIXT eagily leads in the quality race. YOU CAN'T GET AHEAD OF DAWVIS' PAINT. Week, Commencing Monday, November For Sale By MODEL HARDWARE CO. Lakeland, Fla. | take it back ! anyway?” sloughed,’ meanin’ pinched. “But at that we can’t allus pick ’em right. ‘A w'ile back I gits it right on topa the bean from one o’ them big breezers. He was swingin' along the big trail, ’'long about time f'r me to knock off—I crly woiks till dark, see | —and, as he has one o' them good-na- tured buns wit’ him, says I to me- | self, ‘There’s two bits walkin’ on two legs. “So I eases him the chirp ’bout my needin’ jes one to make me t'ink life’s wort’ livin’, and he stops and hands me such a beamin’ grin that the two bits looks as good as wheat in the bin. “‘So youse needs jes’ one pooty bad, hey, chum?' says the big stift, jammin’ his mitt into the side kick of his coat. “‘Never badder since I made me big entrance, maje,’ says I, and it looked so soft that I was hopin’ maey- be he wouldn't have anythin’ on him smaller'n four bits. “‘T’ink jes' one 'ud help youse a hull lot, hey?” says the toppy stift with the grinnin’ pickle on, pullin’ out a hull handful o’ the bright two and four bit pleces and runnin’ ’em over wit’ his lamp. ““Guv'nor, says I, ‘it's almost a matter o' life and deat’ wit' me.’ “‘Me poor, unfortnit feller man,’ says he then, suddenly cuttin’ out the grin and puttin’ on the undertaker’s map, ‘yours is indeed a sad, sad story, and the bowl, I fear me, has been the roon o' youse. Ilere’' take this, and read it carefully; it'll cheer youse up.’ “Wot d'ye t'ink it was he handed me wit’ his left fin as he put the change that he had in his right bac . in the kale kick? 1 hope to be nibbled to deat’ by rabbits if it wasn't the ‘Annual Report o' the Methodist Mis- slons in Africa.’ Jes' eases it to me, the big stift, and trudges on, and me watchin’ hie shonlders shakin’. “Macin’ the skirts is a different gag altogether. When youse sets out to ! stick up the calicoes in the shoppin’ | distric’ youse is got to switch the cut all aroun’. Youse don’'t wanta stack up ag'in’ the big, strappin’, coiney- lookin’ skirts at all. They won't do f'r any part o’ the journey, and they're It’'ble to follow youse f'r four blocks to put one o’ the biddies wit' a badge nex’ to youse. “Nothin’ like that stuff f'r mine. In playin’ the calicoes along youse wants pick out the quiet-dressed, unassum- in’-lookin’ little fringes that ain't got no strut about ’em at all, and that walk scrt o' wit' tholr han's in front of 'em, olfashioned like, and their lamps on the ground.” —— Vital Point. Mr. Porter's judgment was vindi- cated. “Ah, ha,” he exclaimed triumphant- ly, “do you remember that little mag- nifying glass I gave a dollar for the other day? You said it was a clear waste of money. Well, it has more than paid for itself already.” “How s0?" inquired Mrs. Porter. “It detected a ccunterfeit $2 bill to which I had the presence of mind to apply it. These tills are so well exe- cuted that even (he experts can hardly tell them from the genuine, but my lit- tle magniiving glauss brought out all its defects ™ “How clever you are,” said Mrs. Por- | ter, “to think of examining money with a magnifying glass. Now you can make the person who gave you the bil! Mr. Porter's jaw fcll. “By George!” he said, “I aon't re- member.” Auto Not Safe in Thunder Storm. Let anyone who believes he is per fectly safe in a motor car during a thunderstorm, because ! tires are an effective bar to the pass- | age of the electrical discharge, try the following experiment, if he dare: Standing on the ground:beside the; car, with its motor running, place a) finger on the top of the spark plug. | He will not have to wait long for re- As the Scientific American re- | the high tension current read- ily finds a path to the ground, regard- Why should not a sults! marks, less of the tires. bolt of lightning find a similar path? Domestic Loyalty, “What you want to do,” said the | 't ' health expert, “is to sleep with the win- | dows wide open, regardless of the tem- l perature.” “An ton. “No, sir! My life is dear to me, hiut myv home i Washington Star.. Who did give it to von| the rubber | d let a frost sneak in and kill the rubber tree!™ exclaimed Mr. Meek- even more $0."— The Offending Lamp-Post By Peggy Powens “Sue, why are Norval and you an- gry at each other? Everybody is talking about it,” said Ruth. “It's all on account of a horrid old lamp-post. I'll tell you about it,” an- swered Sue in a burst of confidence. “About two weeks ago a lamp-post was placed directly in front of our house. The neighbors could see everything that happened on our porch every evening and the next morning they would talk about it. Besides it threw its glaring light right into one’s eyes. I was miser- able about the hateful thing. “About fifty times Norval promised to blacken the glass of the lamp for me. That is, the part that faced our porch, but so far as he got was to promise. “So last Tuesday evening 1 said: ‘Norval, if you had the faintest re- gard for my wishes you would have painted that glass before this.’ “He answered, ‘Sue, you know your smallest wish is dearer to me than life itself, but I do hate to make a show of myself painting that con- founded lamp. The neigkbors will think I've parted company with my senses.’ “Very well, Mr. Bardon,” I sald. “Bince you care more for the opinion of the neighbors than you do for mine, here is your ring. “‘Oh, Sue, dear,’ he cried. ‘Don't be silly. I'd paint a thousand lamp- posts rather than have you angry with me. Where 18 the paint? Where 1s the brush? Where is the sterflad- der? I'll do it now—only never men- tion that disgusting lamp-post to me again, I beg of you.’ “We descended to the basement to secure the painting outfit. It was pitch dark down there. Norval fell over an old sideboard—bumped his head—strained his ankle, tore his coat and cut his arm in three places Furnish All Attractions 12 High Class Shows an FREE ATTRACTION Featuring a $40,000 Trained Wild Animal Sho With BABY SUE, the Smallest Performing Elephant on Earth Vitucie’s Royal Italian Band Shows Open Every Afternoon Night Grounds Beautifully Illuminated Location--BALL PARI A GONFESSION Hopes Her Statement, Made Public, will Help Other Women. | | 1 i Hi Ala.—*“] z nes, .—*l must confess”, says Mrs. Eula Mae Reid, of this place, "thyai' Cardui, the woman’s tonic, has done me _agreat deal of good. Before 1 commenced using Cardui, | would spit up everything I afe. | hada tired, sleepy feeling all the time, and wag irregular. "I coul hardg' dra, around, | and would have severe headaches con- tinuously. l Since taking Cardui, I have entirel: genellmsspigtoin .ug“ w:lalt lf ehatt. afie{ylhin{‘ ¢ ig Ti| gained 10 pounds in wefi;hf." e | ouL' l‘l’s" :om ca victim otf any of the numer- i ommon | wrong to suffer. o ke h. For half a century, Cardui has by i { Heving just such ills, as is provenet?; l'lfi; : | thousands of letters, similar to the above, | | Which pour into our office, year by year, | Cardui is successful because it is com- | : posed of ingredients which actspecifically | ! on the womanly constitution, and helps | | build the weakened organs backtoheal’()h : Lakeland Electrical Supply ( Coming Soon 5 SO OO HN Phone 46 THE ELECTRIC STORE 307 E. Main St. | and strength. Cardui has helped others, you, t00. Get a bottle | won’t regretit. Your druggist seils it. as It went through the glass door.! Writeto: Chattancoga . His white flannel trousers were white = ¥!sory. Dept., C"""“Wfl‘-fim"?slfi:gm * no more when he came out of the ' Freriondon et ent o e, Dooks N ;cofll bin where the stepladder hap =—e—————— pf:'- lz_c pened to be. { has"a way of coming off. Oh, Ruth, “By this time my sympathies were YOU 8hould have seen that man! Then aroused and 1 begged him to go no after completing his task, when he farther with his undertaking, but W88 ready to descend to terra firma, ! with the air of a Spartan of old he IR Some Inexplicable manner his coat. { exclaimed, ‘T do or dle’ collar caught and there he hung { “I bad completely forgotten that _ 1 should have helpei him, I know, | the post of the lamp had been paint- . Put he looked so funny hanging there een that afterncon. Fresh paint that 1 couldn't—I just laughed and M__ PEE | laughed and laughed until I cried. YT e wes | “Finally an old man came along | and helped him down. He grabbed | his hat and snatched his cane. With | head high in the alr, without so much ' a8 a ‘good-bye,’ he walked away.” | , and will help “There He Hung!™ today. You Buy Your Electric®, Light FROM US SAVE MONEY Your Monthly Light Bil § Florida Electric and Mach ner) YINE 3 10t | § 00000 0ene00ettesssesnns JIM SING : Chinese Laundry ~ Guaran'® Work Called for and Delivered I have been a resident of Florida for 20 years well known to many prominent gentlemen, al of will recommend me as doing First Class Work 3 able Prices JIM SING 218 Pine Street Phone FEPPPPIPIPOT T FOTOBODOPOICIVISOELIPLIE | BRI There Will Be Some Scene. “I see that England is bu | of Missouri mules.” | “Ha, ha, ha!” | “Goodness sake, what are you laugh- ng at?” i “I was just thinking what's going to , happen when a stubborn Sfissouri mule balks on an equally stubbora Englishman.” that cough hang on. Stop it before it goss too far. Heed the warning. Get oy for courhs #nd ¢ First Class W | | | | i | A=W - A 3 The Rivals. Riggs—Singular, isn't it, that neither of your stenographers wants a vaca. tion this year? Griggs—No; it's easily explained 1 recently took a good-looking young ! man Into the office and neither of the girls is willing to go away and leave the field to the other one, Ve oW | ' | | - - i b d FOR SALE IN LAKELAND BY HENLEY AND HENLEY BHGHDDBHPIHBODPPDPPBHDDD