Grand Rapids Herald-Review Newspaper, March 2, 1901, Page 7

Here's a Story That Hlustrates WHAT Ts A JOKEt ite Well the Border Between Wit und Humor. What is a joke? And how are you to know one if you see it? My justifica- tion for this wanton malice is, and I think I have discovered the charm to lay these haunting presences to rest; that I have in some sort discovered the true inwardness of humor, and have been able to draw the shadowy line di- viding it from wit. Here is a story which seems to come close to the heart of the secret. The scene is laid in the wild and woolly west. A mustang has been stolen, claim jumped, or a poker pu found to contain more r bowers than an arct.c br Nemesis has descended in Manila h The time has come to break s to the family of the yutation goes ahead, s at the door of the bereaved homestead, asking: ‘Does Widow Smith live here?” A stout and cheerful person replies: “I'm Mrs. Smith, but I ain’t no widow The deputation answered: “Bet you a de r you are! But you've got the laugh on us just the same, for we've lynched the wrong man.” ible. Itis as full of sardonic fire as anything in all liter- ature; but you would hardly call it hu- mor. It scems to me to lie so directly on the border line that we may use it as a landma lantic. ago a le transaction He d by Nichol. ad a doctor's on for sm, which the t was filling. In the course of ation the good lady said: “I ye one hundred doll: nediately replied: “Give me and I will guarantee to cure Mi: hols tells the story as fol- s Kidney Pills vers. I able li five years wit times and I could only walk with diffic and could not go out of doors if the a p or cold. I took poisc when 1 pre ather than helped. One day druggist was putting up 4 tion for me I remark wo ve one hundred dollars remedy that would make me better.” “-Give me five dollars and I will guar- antee to cure you,’ he said. I r agreed, and he handed me a box of Dodd's Kidney Pills, s ‘They are 80¢ a box.. Two box ay cure you, but I am sure that ten will.’ I left my prescription intact, and, instead, took these Pills, and I found them, as I before, to be veritable life pre- servers. Bcfore I had finished the sec ond box I had my first perfect night’s rest in years. I gradually improve: I had determined to use the ten boxes uld give up, but imagine to find that before half ity was used I y com- pletely cured. This was two years ago, and I have not had a twinge since.” N Nichols is Vice Grand Baxter, Re! 1 Lodge I. O. O. F., and is one of the best own and most highly re- spected ladies in Kansas City, and her experience will be read with interest by her many friends. Dodd's ney Pills never fail to Cure Rheumatism. They are 50c a bo six boxes Buy them fr your local < ou can. If he can- not supply send to the Dodds Y. Medicine Co., Euffalo, N. Mer Sweetheart’s Double. A young married woman who haa new apartments on Capitol Hill "ing her pictures arranged. Onc was a framed potralt of James Whitcomb Riley. “Who is that?” asked the chamber- maid, after looking long at Mr. Riley’s “That is Jal Whitcomb Riley,” was the answer, in a way inconsistent with the idea that the maid would not know Riley from a foreign potentatc. “Reason I asked,” explained the maid, “is that he looks exactly like an old sweetheart of mine, and I thought you might have had his picture.”—Denver News. What Do the Children Drink? Don't give them tea or coifee. Have you tried the new food drink called GRAIN-Of It is delicious and nourishing, and takes the lace of coffee. The more Grain-O you give he children the more health you distributo through their systems. Grain-O is made of pare grains, and when properly prepared tastes like the choice grades of coffee, but costs about 44 asmuch. All grocers sell it. « 160 and 2c. Bright Fature Ahead. ‘But,” protested the wise one, “have you enough to marry on?” For a moment the lover “was thoughtful. “How much is the license?” he in- quired. “Two dollars.” “And the wedding fee?” “Then,” said the lover, jubilantly, “there is nothing to make me hesitate. I have a $5 bill and 28 cents in change.” —Chicago Post. You Oan Get Allen’s Foot-Ense Free. Write to-day to Allen S. Olmsted, Le Roy. N. ¥., for a FREE sample of Allen’s Foot-Ease, a powder. It cures sweating, damp, swollen, aching feet. Makes new-or tight shoes easy. A cer- tain cure for Chilblains and Frostbites. At all druggists and shoe stores. 25c. Fami Ties. “How close is your relationship to that millionaire?” “Oh, his brother married my brother- in-law’s sister.”—Detroit Free Pess. Nl players: Golf players; all play- oc chew White's Yucatan whilst playing. AAS PETA ay The sense of sins committed must come before the assurance of sins re- aitted. 's to get | | advertisements in | winter time they suffer terribly from AFRICAN TREK OX. Its Use as Transport and How Its Work Is Done. At the present moment, when the | efficiency of our army in South Africa largely depends on the stability of its | transport, it may not be amiss to con- sider the capabilities of the trek, or transport ox, who, after all, despite | mules and traction engines, is the mainstay of South African transport, says the Pall Mall Gazette. The imperi- | al authorities in the Cape Colony and ‘atal are now busily engaged in buy- ing all the available ox transport they can, as is testified by their numerous it Colonial papers. | Oxen are less expensive than mules. They are slow, but sure, never doing | more than three miles an hour, or/ twenty miles a day, which is consid- ered a good trek. The Zulu ox is the | best bred animal, but small and unser- | viceable when compared with the bas- | tard Zulu or Natal ox, which thrives on both the “sour” velt or coast grass and the “sweet” or up-country veldt. | Oxen, however, require very careful handling, and must on no account be ; overdriven; they. must have at least six hours a day for grazing purposes. In the winter they can find a picking on the parched veldt where a mule or horse would fail, They are naturally in poor condition till the green grass of the spring arrives in September. They } are very liable to lung sickness and | red water, and whole spans sometimes perish from these fell diseases. In the the cold, and on no account should they be worked in the rain during that sea- son, for, among other things, the yoke when wet gives them sore necks, thus rendering them usele The ox’s best work is done at night time, and moon- light treks are the usual thing with riders” after their teams » been grazing all day. They are never kept und the yoke for more} an eight hours during the day, two s ches of four hours each. From 4 o'clock to 8 in the morning and from 6 o'clock to 10 at night are the favorite hours for trekking. As to their haul- ing capacity, a “span” or team of | hteen oxen will easily draw a buck gon (weighing a little over a ton), loaded to six thousand pounds, over | the South African roads, many of which are little better than tracks across the veldt. Twenty miles a day for a heavy baggage column in such a country as South Africa is really good going. msport BROKERS OF LONDON. A Modest Class Who Do Not Advertise Their Business. Speaking of stockbrokers in London the Daily Mail says they have little in common but a desire to avoid public- ity. The individual member must not advertise his business, and he shrinks from advertising himself. The New York broker rejoices tosee his name in print, but the London broker, before vouchsafing the barest information to a newspaper reporter, insists upon a promise that his name shall not be mentioned. This modesty, however, only holds good so far as the stock ex- nge is concerned, ‘and it is doubt- less due largely to that mysterious fear of the autocratic committee, which only finds parallel in the schoolboy’s awe of his master, or in a Russian ed- itor’s deference to the censor. He likes to see himself mentioned in so- ciety paragraphs—he is even susp cted of occasionally seeking this— and he enjoys the publicity that comes from sport, speechmaking, subscription lists and prospectuses. He used to be con- tent with a small business and regard- ed himself as well off with an income which now some of his clerks would despise. He did his business on con- servative lines; he liked to stick to in- vestors, and by cold-watering specula- tors—especially speculators in a small way—he did much to encourage the bucketshop, with its tapes, its covers, its knavery and its false hopes. All that is now changed. Stockbrokers have more than doubled their number and competition has brought down their commissions. They encourage their clients to speculate by all legiti- mate means, and they frankly confess that they cannot live by invesiment alone. THE TRUEST HERO. He Is the Man Who Knows Fear and Fights Against It. “It is so easy to mistake bravado for bravery and recklessness for courage,” says Richard Harding Davis in Ey- erybody’s Magazine, ‘and it is always necessary to discriminate sharply be- tween the man who “does not know fear” and the man who knows it in all its sickening horror, and who fights against it and persists in his duty. People always speak of the man “who does not know what fear is” as though the fact were something greatly to his credit. Instead of which, of course, it is something for which he is only to be envied, and for which he should| be most grateful A man who smokes a lighted cigar over a powder magazine if he does not know it is a powder magazine performs no surpris- ing feat, and praises bravery which comes from ignorance of fear is like applauding a man because he is not ill at.sea. The ship's steward, who is so sick that he cannot hold up his head, but who forces himself to perform his duties, is a better man than the stew- ard with the cast-iron stomach who iaughs at him. The latter is in the same class with the hero ‘who does not know fear.’” Mrs. Mary Wardell has retired as organist of the Greenwood Baptist church, Brooklyn, after serving con- tinuously for thirty years. Mrs. War- dell retires that she may have more time to devote to temperance work. ——}-— Some Very Old People. More people over 100 years old are found in mild climates than in the high- er latitudes. According to the last cen- sus of the German empire, of a popula~ Entitled to Half Rates. Beggar—Please give a poor old blin@ man a dime! Citizen—Why, you can see out of one In England there are 146; in Ireland, | est person living is Bruno Cotrim, born 578; in Scotland, 46. Sweden has 10 and | in Africa, and now living at Rio de Ja- Norway 23; Belgium, 5; Denmark, 2; | néiro. He is 150 years old. A coach- Switzerland, none. Spain, with a popu- {man in Moscow has lived for 140 years. lation of 18,000,000, has 401 persons over | --Indian Medical Record. tion of 55,000,000, only 78 have passed | 100 years of age. Of the 2,50,000 inhab- —— eye. i the 100th year. France, with a popula- | itants of Servia, 575 have passed the You cannot draw the wagon of ‘Well, then, give me a nickel.—Chica- tion of 40,000,000, has 213 centenarians. ! century mark. It is said that the old-| worldliness with the yoke of Christ. go News, «4 Mian is as old as he feels, and Woman as old as she looks.’” -_ | Makes Health and Beauty for Women. Remember! Not Age, but Disease, Weakness and IIi Health a ' Make Women Look Old! You cannot look your best unless you feel your best—that is, unless you feel well, strong, vigorous, with pure blood, strong and steady nerves. If you have no appetite, poor digestion, are bilious and constipated, your skin will be dark, sallow, pimply, with unhealthy pallor. If you are sleepless, nervous, irritable, despondent, with nerves all on edge, feel as if you could fly, and are startled at every sound,—these nervous troubles will certainly line your face with wrinkles like age, make you look haggard, hollow-eyed, take the lustre from your eyes and the elastic spring from your step _ _ If you suffer from female troubles, the dragging pain, the aching head, the tired i limbs, the utter weakness, prostration and misery will turn youth to old age unless cured j at once. j Scauty Means Good Health, and Good Health : | Always Mearns Beauty for Women. DR. GREENE'S NERVURA | © 3 Alwaus Makes Good Looks Because It Alway i | Hl Makes Good Health. Dr. Greene’s Nervura blood and nerve remedy will make you look and feel young. It will restore your energies, vivacity and enjoyment of life. It will make rosy cheeks, bright eyes, and fine complexion. It will give a rounded form, the grace and elasticity % of perfect womanhood, and the kind of youth that is not measured by years, and which ought to last till past fifty. It is a veritable fountain of youth for weak, fad- ing and despondent women. “Dr. Greene’s Nervura Cured That Dark and Sallow Look.” Mrs. William Bartels, 289 East 87th St., “ My Face Broke Out with Pim- ples, but Dr. Greene’s Ner- vura Cured Me,”? Mrs. Elizabeth Brown, of 286 Hartwell’s Ave., bs Providence, R. I., saya: “My face broke out with pim- ples, and I was almost giving upin despair when I got Dr. Greene’s Nervura, Now 1 am well and strong, thanks to this wonderful remedy.” New York City, says: “Dr. Greene’s Nervura madea wonderful improvement in m health, and that dark, sallow lool left my face. My friends hardly know me. Ihave gained in flesh, and am like a different person.” Take Dp. GPeene’s Nervura For Your Health, Your Strength, Your Beauty. Beauty of face, of form and feature belong only to good health. It is possible to every wo-= man who takes the matter in hand intel.igently. Use the wonderful restorative, Dr. Greene’s Nervura, and get advice from Dr. Greene, the successful specialist in these matters. He will ; teli you why all this is so, and show you how to avoid the stumbling blocks that bar woman’s way to happiness. You may consult Dr. Greene without cost by calling or writing to him at his office, 35 West 14th Street, New York City. Don’t throw away your health and beauty. Write to Dr. Greene to-day. Sour Stomach? Back up a sewer, and you poison the whole neighborhood. Clog up liver and bowels, and your stomach Is full of undigested food, which sours and ferments, like garbage in a swill-barrel. That's the first step to untold misery—indigestion, fdul gases, headache, furred tongue, bad breath, yellow skin, mental fears, everything that is horrible and nauseating. CASCARETS quietly, positively stop fermentation in the stomach, make the liver lively, tone up the bowels, set the whole machinery going and keep it in order. Don’t hesitate! Take CASCARETS to-day and be saved from suffering! aby | bre. x “After I was induced to try CASOA= | j,, 1 Iwill never be without them in the war]! house. My liver was in a very bed shape, | obv” id, | 224 my head ached and I bad stomach trou- | th, _ *| ble. Now, since Cascarets, I feel fine. aich| My has also used them with benefi.ial | mea he os, on hea aad Congress St, St'Louls, Ma | play, sat Ire His Snap. NEL see meee ain Seach aoe 10c. 25c.. 506: NEVER SOLD IN BULK. DRUGGISTS ted billonsne: sein’ foul mouth; GUARANTEED TO CURE all bowel tronbl. bad breath; Bloat Resanches Tages elk, Wind on the stomach, bios Mh 4 Plexion Rostton, Pim ins acter, eating, liver tronbi yw com: fete wr starter tere aiterwrn aay the tear Baars