Grand Rapids Herald-Review Newspaper, December 17, 1898, Page 3

OUR BUDGET OF FUN, SOME GOOD JOKES, ORIGINAL AND SELECTED. A Variety of Jokes—Gibes and Ironles Original and Selected—Flotsam and Jetsam front the Tide of Humor— Witty Sayings, Her Secret. “Here is a faded rose,” he said “That you let fall, one day— A flower that your lips had touched Before you dropped it by the way. Ah, you knew not that I was near; You knew not that I loved you when I placed it in my bosom, where I've worn it for your sake then.” since it was their joyous honeymoon; She looked at him awhile, And then across her features broke A knowing little smile, The while she said unto herself, ‘I wonder what he’d say if he could know I watched him when He picked it up that day?” The Wheelman’s Curse. The following is from the Etching- ham letters in the Cornhill Magazine: Here beginneth the excommunication of the dog. Cursed be this dog of infinite wick- edness who upset our scholar from his wheel. Cursed be he with all evil dogs which have been cursed from the be- ginning of the world. Cursed be he with the dogs of Sa- maria which ate the body of Queen Jezebel. Cursed be he with the barking god Anubis and all other dog-headed devils that ever barked in Egypt. May all the blessings earned by good dogs in heaven or earth be far from him. Let him in no wise see the age of Argus, nor walk with the angels like Tobit’s dog. Cursed be he by the heavenly dogs Sirius and Procyon and by the Hunt- ing Dogs. Cursed be he with a threefold curse the hell-hound Cerberus and his ee heads. ed be he before our lady the en and before the county council by all and every the muzzling orders. Cursed be he likewise by all wheel- ing things which the Lord hath made, by the prime mover of the firmament and his rotation, by the stars, the planets, the pole, the sun, the moon, and the earth, and by the powers of all the angels who govern their revoiu- tions. Cursed be he in cyclones and cursed in whirlpools. Cursed be he by the driving wheel of the universe, which is matter, and by the steering wheel, which is spirit, and by the chain, which is the pre-es- tablished harmony thereof. Cursed be he forever by the wheels of the winged living creatures which Ezekiel, the prophet, saw and by the swiftness of their rolling. Let the wheel of Fortune In her wrath crush him and ever cast him down to the meanest fate. Let him be whirled upon Ixion’s wheel and broken even as the wheels of Pharaoh’s chariots. Cursed be he in a whole and perfect round of cursing. So be it. Frightfal. “T never saw a man go to the pains to elaborate a joke that Tuffleigh does.” “What's the latest?” ‘Why, the other night he drank Rhine wine and then he drank gin. ‘Now,’ said he, with that knowing smile, ‘of what famous poem do I remind you?’ Nobody could guess, and Tuffleigh looked hurt. ‘Didn’t you notice what I drank?’ he asked. Yes, we all noticed it. ‘Then I should think,’ said Tuffleigh, ‘that somebody would say it might have been-gin-on-the-Rhine.’ ” Harking Back, Mrs. Acklins—“I don’t want to be impertinent, but how old are you anyway? Some of the ladies were dis- cussing your age at the club the other day, and several of them claimed that you were at least 35, but I insisted that you were not more than 33.” Mrs. Biswick—“F’m glad you were so kind, Of course, you didn’t men- tion the fact that you were ready to leave the grammar grade when I was in the primary class at school, did ~ou?” Sure. Bobby, you’ve been fighting, I,know it. But. Tommy ‘traddles called me a Spaniard and I had to prove I wasn’t. How did you prove it by fighting? I licked him.—Truth, A Little Picture. As I was walking in the street one | day I passed an open window where a man sat writing, says the New York Commercial Advertiser. His head was bent toward the light and his hand was flying at furious speed over the paper. In such a sleepy old town, on such a drowsy summer afternoon, haste like his was almost a crime. No wonder I stopped with some suspicion to look*at him. And, will you believe me, as he fin- ished each page, he tore it into small pieces and tossed them out of the window. And every time he tossed out his handful of waste paper a pulf of wind would suddenly spring up, catch the white fragments impetuous- ly into the air and scatter them down the sidewalk or over the neighboring wall, “Surely the man is mad,” I thought, “to be toiling there so fatuously on a heavenly day like this.” And I called out to him, almost indignantly: “What are you doing there?” “Fame, fame!” he cried, without pausing to look up; then scribbled ahead as if his life hung on the work. I was amused at this and puzzled; and I watched him with the fascination of a gamin, at once quizzical and un- easy. As I stood looking a heavier gust than usual came scurrying up under the trees, and-whirling dust and leaves and sweepings in its coil, flung them with a final burst of temper through the open window in: the writer’s face. I could see him screwing up his eyes and sputtering the dirty grit from his teeth in a smother of disgust. “Fame, fame!” I jeered, in ecstasy of gleeful impudence. Then I wandered off down the street to an old orchard where the bobolinky were going mad with June. A Trifling Defect. “Oh, how handsome I'd be, if it wasn’t for these bowlegs of mine!”— Truth, Suspicious. Mr. Blimbus—I’m afraid John has got into bad company down at college. He must be gambling. Mrs. Blimbus—Why, what makes you think that? Mr. Blimbus—I got a letter from him this morning in which he didn’t ask for money. I wonder if he knows how to stack the cards? A Sweet Memory. She—I shall never, never cease to enjoy the memories of my college days. He—What incident connected with them is brightest in your memory? She—Let me see—oh, yes! those ele- gant ice cream sodas we used to get down at the village apothecary’s!~ Roxbury Gazette. Risky. “Did you know,” said the old colored man, “dat curses, like chickens, come home to roos’?” “I’s hyuhd it,” replied Mr. Erastus Pinkley, “an’ I ’specks it’s so. But ter tell de troof, I allus thought chickens wus takin’ big risks "bout gittin’ home in dis neighborhood.”—Washington Star. Great Discretion. Younger Sister—Why did you tell Mr. Callagain how old I am? Elder Sister—You’re too young for that to make any difference. Now, it would be different if you were to tell him my age. Well I didn’t. I only told him you were ten years older than I am. Strictly Neutral. Mr. Neverpeigh—“Old Redash has declared neutrality at last.” Mrs. Neverpeigh—‘“I don’t under- stand you.” Mr, Neverpeigh—“‘He. has_ refused to let us have any coal.”—Judge. Watch Case Photography. Mr. Sweet—“‘Is it not strange that Harry will never permit Edith to open his watch?” Mrs. Sweet—“Humph! There must be another gir] in the case.”—Jewelers’ Weekly. Took Two Days. He—“I don’t understand why you al- ways take two days for shopping.” She—“Oh, it’s very simple. It takes me one day to buy the things, and a second day to change them.”—Tit- Bits. The Bard Who Failed. He started out to charm mankind And win a place on Fame’s high slope; Today he lives by writing “ads” For a manufacturer of soap. Every Two Minutes. your cycling, Captain Vert? He (a beginner)—Oh, splendidly; get- ting on about every two minutes,— London Punch. She—How are you getting on with | _be compared with adulterating it with qin natural history. "DAIRY AND POULTRY. INTERESTING CHAPTERS FOR OUR RURAL READERS. flow Successful Farmers Operate This Department of the Farm—A Few Hints as to tbe Care of Live Stock and Poultry. Some Points for Milkers. In the course of an address deliver- 2d by the Dairy Instructor for the Bute County Ccuncil, says Dairy World (Exg.), several suggestions were made by the lecturer as to the operation of milking, which we may summarize as follows: To milk a cow “clean” has always been the ambition of the milk- er, and when the end was attained he was perfectly satisfied. But to milk a cow in a cleanly way, although of equal importance, did not in a large percentage of cases come within the scope of his consideration. Good cows have been quite spoiled through bad and careless milking, and there are very few milkers who understand any- thing about the cow’s udder or milk vessel. A word or two on this point may not be out of place. The cow’s udder is divided into two chambers by an impervious membrane. This divid- ing substance runs in the same direc- tion as the backbone, and the milk from one chamber cannot pass into the other, For this reason, it is advisable that the milker should operate, say, on the front and hind teats on the side next to him, and having emptied one chamber of the cow’s vessel, should proceed with the other. This is not, however, the general practice. It is customary to operate on the teats of different chambers simultaneously, on the ground that that method of proced- ure preserves the natural state of the udder, whereas such a contention is quite contrary to fact. The lecturer stated that he was quite sure that the general method of milking is mainly responsible for much of the malforma- tion in the udder of so many cows, That, of course, is a great evil, as it detracts from the appearance of the animals, and lowers their money value when offered for sale. Sioa Milk at Three Cents Whether or not a farmer can pro- duce milk at three cents a quart, de- pends, first, on the sort of cows he has, says Hoard’s Dairyman. A cow that produces 2,325 quarts yields within a fraction of 5,000 pounds. A good cow should produce 5,000 pounds of 3.75 to 4 per cent milk. At three cents a quart the cash value of 5,000 pounds of milk is $69.75. With good farm manage- ment such cows should be kept for $40; we have then a profit above the cost of feed of $29.75. The labor cost should not exceed one good man to fifteen cows. There are several questions to consider when farmers say they can- not afford to produce milk at three cents a quart. Such as the following, for instance: ‘Why can I not afford it?” “Is it because my cows are too poor in quality? I certainly ought not to expect to make any profit if I will not make a practical effort to have cows that average at least 5,000 pounds a year of four per cent milk.” “Am I making any real intelligent effort to keep better cows?” “Have I been study- ing this question as a business farmer ought?” ‘Have I taken pains to breed and raise better cows or have I depend- ed on buying cows bred by men who know less about breeding a good cow than I do?” Dirt in Milk. D. H. Otis, of Kansas agricultural college writes in Farmers’ Review: The dairy secured samples of milk from persons that were engaged more or less in the dairy business, and plac- ed these in long, narrow glass tubes. After being allowed to stand for sev- eral hours these tubes were examined and notes taken on the amount of dirt that settled to the bottom. Consider- able difference was found, some sam- ples being almost free from visible dirt, while others had so much that it formed an irregular ring along the lower edge of the tube. While this test is a good one to detect solid par- ticles of dirt in the milk, it is by no means conclusive, as where milk is handled in an uncleanly manner more or less dirt becomes dissolved in the milk and cannot be separated out. This goes to illustrate the importance of the utmost cleanliness in handling milk. We object strongly to milk being adul- terated with water, but this is not to dirt. A Distressed Duck. The following duck story is clipped from a daily paper: Perturbation on the part of a hen who has hatched ducklings has been pictured often, but the reverse of the scene is a new thing Louis V, Bauer of Phillipsburg, N. Y., started a duck on the way she should go. Bauer’s young son, hoping for some amusement, slip- ped one hen’s egg into the nest, the re- sult being a brood of ducklings with one chick. The old duck eyed the chicken suspiciously, but, as it had come from her nest, decided: she must train it with the rest. But her ideas do not agree with those of the inter- ldper, and guests of Bauer’s hotel are making bets on the outcome. The old duck headed her brood for the pond one day, and, as usual the ducklings promptly set sail. But the chick, de- void of swimming instinct, held back and peeped mournfully. This annoyed the mother duck and she left her own family and returned to the shore. She seemed to remonstrate with the cow- ard without effect. Finally, being a good disciplinarian, she gave the chick a shove into the water and quacked a fierce order for it to join the others out in the pond. The chick splashed the ?zowned before the old duck. picked’ | it up in her bill and carried it to the ' shore. The cld duck was not satisfied with one lesson, however, as she has made half a dozen attempts to teach the chicken to swim, all being rank fail- ures. Now the boarders are making bets, “Do or don’t” on the result, some . holding the chicken will drown and others that the duck will teach it to swim, Refused Pounded Crockery. The writer has read what all the, chief poultry writers have written | about the importance of feeding fowls with pounded crockery. Of course we never believed any of it. Some three weeks ago when cleaning off the feed- ing boards a broken saucer, an axe and a hatchet happened to be near, and, looking about to see that no one was observing the foolish proceeding, we proceeded to manufacture some new- fangled grit. Twenty-five hungry hens and three roosters stood anxiously around apparently wondering what all that meant. The fragments were care- fully spread on the boards, and we then stood back to see the fowls go for the stuff. But they walked away in disgust. Then some wheat was scat- tered on'the boards with it. The wheat was promptly attacked and completely disposed of, but not so the pounded crockery. It is there yet, and has been there about three weeks, and if any of it has been used by the fowls it can- not be missed. After a while we wil) sweep it off and pound no more. pt The Economical Hen. The hen is an economical adjunct to the farm, The horse, the cow and the sheep are consumers of waste products only to a limited degree. The sheep may eat weeds, but will not eat grass- hoppers and crickets to any alarming extent. The feed that is put into the cow and the horse has a market value, and this cannot be said of the food consumed by the hen. The food of the latter is exceedingly varied. Weed and grass seeds abound in every locality, and these she carefully hunts up and makes into a marketable product. She is also a lover of many varieties of in- sects, some of which are very destruc- tive to the plants grown by the farmer. Moreover, she is a constant visitor to the grain field after the crop has been removed and is a veritable Ruth in her | gleaning propensities. On many farms , the product from the hen is about al) profit. Milk for the Hens. Miik is one of the best foods that can be given to the laying hens, but it should not be sour, nor should it re- main exposed to become distasteful, says an exchange. We are often asked if milk cannot be used as a substitute for meat. The fact is, milk is superior to meat, as it is a complete food; but when we realize that meat is concen- trated, compared with milk, the dif- | ficulty of substituting milk for meat is plainly seen, for the hens cannot drink enough of the milk, there being about eighty-six per cent of water in ; it. That is, to derive fourteen pounds of solid matter from milk the hens must drink eighty-six pounds of water ; in the milk, which requires quite a | length of time. Milk should be given ; even when meat is fed, as it contains mineral matter, and also because it is more convenient to be obtained thap meat. : Egg Production. Doubtless the largest profits from | the farmer’s poultry yard will always be those arising from the sale or use of eggs. The egg is nearly always cash. It comes nearer to a circulating medium than almost any other thing the farmer produces. The demand for strictly fresh eggs seems never to be fully supplied, except in the immediate locality where the eggs are produced. | The farmer that produces eggs knows ' that he can always sell them for cash, and that usually there is far more profit in the exchange than is the case with any kind of flesh. The produc- tion of eggs is increasing from year to year, but not more rapidly than the de- mand. Factory-Made Butter in New South Wales.—The production of factory- made butter appears to be steadily in- creasing in New South Wales. In the season which ended on March 31 last the total output was 29,409,966 pounds, of which 23,713,509 pounds was, accord- ing to the Melbourne Journal of Com- merce, made in factories. The total produciion was the largest on record, and, whilst the proportion made in } factories in 1893-94 did not exceed 60 per cent, it now represents 80 per cent. The quantity exported, 6,526,673 pounds, valued at £258,725, was much in excess of that of the previous year. A decline is recorded in the production of cheese, which only reached 3,937,168 pounds in 1897-98, as against 4,019,844 pounds in the preceding year.—Ex, Death in Ventilation.—The hardest task yet undertaken is to prevent poul- tryrsen from killing their birds with fresh air. Fresh air has killed more birds than all other causes combined. A breeder, during a cold day, whose first hatch for the season was just out, had the top of the window down to give the tiny and tender little chicks “fresh” air, and yet he had 54 in a basket not a foot long, » all nt | under a blanket, which he had not yet put in a brooder and which did not suffocate. A poultry house can , hardly be too close in winter. No one | would suggest the withholding of pure air, but it is affirmed that in winter the ventilator, by causing draughts, ° kills the birds.—Ex. Dr. Pritchard, Royal Vet. College, says: The check rein is a great cruelty. It interferes with breathing, injures the mouth, induces paralysis and causes stumbling. All veterinary water about in fright and very nearly surgeons condemn it. The Cornfed Philosopher. “Trifles,” said the Cornfed Philoso- pler, “the well known to make the! greater sum of woman’s happiness, which’ is doubtless the reason why a woman is generally so happy with a trifling man.”’—Indianapolis Journal, Railroad Tra to Run Slower. Railroad officials claim that it is very expensive to run their express trains, and are talking about reducing the speed. It is likewise expensive to the health to struggle and compete in busi- ness affairs as men do nowadays. The whole system gives out. For restoring strength Hostetter’s Stomach Bitters is the proper remedy. Animals and Their Toilet. Cats, large and small, make the most : vareful toilet of any class of animals, excepting some of the opossums. The lions and tigers wash themselves in e: actly the same manner as the cat, wet- ting the dark, india-rubber-like ball of | the forefoot and inner toe and passing | it over the face and behind the ears. The foot is thus at the same time a sponge and brush, and the fou tongue combs the rest of the body. Hares also use their feet to wash their fac for a brush that it is used to apply the “paint” to the face for the stage. WESTERN CANADA PRAIRIES. Fature Welfare of the Continent Lies in Their Fertile Fields. The rapid progress that is being made in the settlement of the fertile Prairies of Western Canada is leading to the investigation of its resources by those interested in having provision made for those living in the crowded east, for those who have been strug- gling for years on impoverished farms, for the renter who is unable any longer to bear up under the strain imposed by the landlord, and for the farmer who, unable to purchase farms for his sons in his own neighborhood, has to look around for lower priced lands. The investigation shows that it is impos- sible to meet these conditions success- fully outside of Western Canada. Al- ready millions of bushels of wheat are | being grown there each year, while as many as 50,000 head of cattle were shipped out this year, A representa- tive of The Germania, Milwaukee, one | of the leading German papers in the United States, recently made a_ trip through Manitoba, Assiniboia, Alberta and Saskatchewan, where lie the free government lands of Western Canada, and in a future issue will appear ex- tracts from flattering letters contribut- | ed to the Germania and other papers by their special correspondents. AS an inducement for immigrants to make their homes in Canada, the Canadian | government offers 160 acres of land irce of cost to any settler. For further information apply to Canadian Government Agent, Depart- ment Interior, Ottawa, Canada, or residents of Minnesota address Ben Da- vies, 154 East Third St., St. Paul, and residents of Wisconsin address T. 0, | Currie, Stevens Point, Wis. Safe Proceeding. “I hear there were some very high | words between Smith and Ellis yester- “Yes. Also about a mile of telephone wire.”—Cincinnati Enquirer. He that wants money, means .and ent is without three good friends, Could Not Keep House Without Dr. Seth Arnold’s Cough Killer. Barton, Boyd, Wis, 25c. a bottle. Mrs. E. J. That man may safely venture on his way, who is so guided that he cannot stray.—Walter Scott. TO CURE A COLD IN ONE DAY Take Laxative Bromo Quinire Tablets. All druggists refund the money ir it fails to cure. %c. The genuine has L. B Q. on each tablet. Leisure for mem of business, and business for men of leisure, will cure many complaints.—Mrs. Thrale. I know that my life was saved by Piso’s Cure for Consumption.—John A. Miller, Au Sable, Michigan, April 21, 1895. Tommy—Paw, what is the difference betweer a liar and a preyaricator? Mr. Figg—It is a difference in weight. SMrs. Winglow’s Soothing Syrup. For children teething, softeus the gums, reduces in- flammation, allays pain, cures wind colic. '25c a bottle. Light ‘is the task where many share the toil—Homer. , and the hare’s foot is so suitable { | See a SROW {Storm in Summer ? { We never did; but we have seen the clothing at this time the year so covered with dandruff that it looked as if it had been out in a regular snow- storm. No need of this snowstorm. As the summer sun would melt the falling snow so will Ayer’s Hair {Vigor melt these flakes of dandruff in the scalp. It goes further than this: it prevents their formation. i It has still other properties: —_ it will restore color to gray hair in just ten times out of every ten cases. And it does even more: it feeds and nourishes the roots of the hair. Thin hair becomes thick hair; and short hair be- comes long hair. We have a book on the Hair and Scalp. It is yours, for the ! asking. If you do not obtain all the benefits you expected from the use of the pai write @ doctor about it. Probal there is some difficulty with your gene | eral. system which may be easily re- | SY moved. “Address { en Se i ] } DE. J.C. AYER, Lowell, Mass, BEWARE OF IMITATIONS. | | i } { ‘The Goodyear RubberCo. Were the first to make Ribbed Lum= bermen’s Rubbers. The only genutae “Gold Seal” Lum- bermen’s has a ‘Gold Seal’ sticker on every Made of PURERUBEER, —T ‘ \ SOLD BY DEALERS. — Made by Goodyzar Rubber Ga CURE YOURSELF! t : and not astrin- Sold by Dragyisis,, QF sent in plain wrapners by express. prepaid. PL FM. 0r 3 bottles, 2.75. ‘ircular sent on request DROPS Y Mir eiscovEny ire gases. send for bok of testimonials and 10 da: (eatment Free. P-.#. #. GREKN’S SONS, auiari:. As « Poke Stiff: in Warm up with a rul It drives out the Cold and ST. JACOBS OIL. Boil Sore—trom a cold. ib of Cures, te and lo rae ave chic ise Singae ig ae Ces Ere ig { 120 PAGES is dxizxz inches in size, } lustrations, ied AES mort } ue ever THE Agricultural Machines, € Guns, Revolvers, Fane Tackies Bieyeles, Phot: . ‘cells jographi Just what your storekeeper at honte must pay for everything he irre ‘and will beonanyt the postage Stamps nevent hiin from overc! explains just how to order, how mu ing you on anything you bu: relent. express or mail will BOOK COSTS US NEARLY St, Cut this advertisement out and send to us with 15 ceatsin hing tovourtown. THE alone. OFFE ‘to help the 80 cents iT nd t} ol i sone LAX Det oma ‘post ones a id the Big Book will be sent: Eintes the 19 centayou send, asa key ofeverything, say #0, and we witl immediately return your 13 come, Tou dion & say st is worth 100 to the lowest wholesale prites MAT THE PRESS SAYS ABOUT THIS CATALOGUE: on, it is 9 monument of business information.’ i anernte “A Sonderfal plece of work Chicago. "Chicago "Washington National Trib catalogue isa -Mauchester (N. H.) Union, ask Co. ‘is one of the largest houses of its kind in r Oceal forms one of the finest shopping medians thatsoula Possibly besent into a cistpict.” store boiled down.””— Atlanta Constitntios : partment: ¢ is certainly ® merchandise encyclopedia.”—Chicag be passed compelling the use of « Shiscataloeuein all publicschool Pstag ROEBUCK & & co. nc.), CHICACO, ILL., U.S. A. 0 Epworth He 1e Hon. G. A. Southtoun. ‘ONCE and you will receive the 4-Iby book by retara mall, “WHERE DIRT GATH ERS, WASTE RULES.” GREAT SAVING RESULTS FROM THE USE OF SAPOLIO FARM LANDS Join the big immigration to the St. Paul & De Tuth country in Minnesota. The best location. and cheapest iand in the country. Maps and ulars free. Address, HOPEWELL eee Land Commissioner, St. Paul, al