Grand Rapids Herald-Review Newspaper, April 17, 1897, Page 7

some years I was quite out of health, and took much medicine which did me no good. I was advised by a friend to try Ayer’s Sarsaparilla' ¢ which I did, taking a dozen or more bottles before stop-}, ping. The result was that I felt so well and strong that I, of course, think there is no medicine equal to Ayer’s Sar- saparilla, and I take great pains to tell any suffering friend of it and what it did for me.”—Mrs. L. A. Murray, Kilbourn, Wis., Feb.11,1896, words WEIGHTY Ayer’s Sarsaparilla. | soothed, the stomach benefited by this delicious! beverage. HIRES Rootbeer H} Quenches the thirst, tickles H the palate ; full ofsnap, sparkle and effervescence. A temper- ance drink for everybody. Mede ouly by The Charles B. Hires Co., Philadelphis. f A package makes five gallons. POMMEL 2. SLICKER Keeps both rider and saddle per- Puy fectly dry in the hardest storms. BY Substitutes will disappoint. Ask for IAG 3897 Fish Brand Pommel Slicker— j)_H it is entirely new. If not for sale in iy 7 your town, write for catalogue to Ry A. J. TOWER, Boston, lass. le Ape and. supplies, 114 5. hk Street, MINNEAPOLIS, e CATHARTIC* @ex ove: GURE CONSTIPATION Regulate liver and bowels, cure eI & headache, never, sicken, nor gripe. “Eat vem liked uzgists, Samplex free, Ad- ‘COs, Chicago or New York, andy. 100, 25e,50c, A lress STERLING KREME! famicted ~ih! Thompson’s Eye Water. ‘A Dangerous Sentiment. “Stickenlooper, your wife has a very intellectual expression.” “Sh- Don’t let her hear you say that; she'll quit mending my clothes and go to reading Emerson.”—Chicago Record. Fortune Seeking Emigrants. Many a poor family that seeks the west- ern wilds in the hope of winning a for- tune, is preserved from that insidious foe of the emigrant and frontiersman—chills and fever—by Hostetter’s Stomach Bitters. So effectually does that incomparable medicinal defense fortify the system against the combined influence of a ma- larious atmosphere and miasma-tainted water, that protected by it the pioneer, the miner or the tourist provided with it, may safely encounter the danger. A Remedy. Editor—Your narrative is too bald.” Author—Very well, I will introduce some hair-raising incidents.’’—Pear- son’s Weekly. Two bottles of Piso’s Cure for Consump- tion cured me of a bad lung trouble.—Mrs. J. Nichols, Princeton, Ind., Mar. 26, 1895. A Searcity of Thonght. Miss Gingerly—Why do you smoke so much, Mr. Gulling? Mr. Gulling—Because a good cigar helps me to think. Miss Gingerly—Oh! It’s too bad that your dealer carries such a poor stock.— Cleveland Leade! Mrs. Winslow’s Soothing Syrup For children teething,softens the gums, reduces inflam mation, allays pain, cures wind colic. 26 centsa bottle. Cigarette. “Notice that boy who passed us just now?” ‘ “Yes. What of him?” “His father is an eminent linguist. Converses fluently in eight languages.” “I notice the boy is smoking fluently in three syllables.”—Chicago Tribune. “STAR TOBACCO.” As you chew tobacco for pleasure use Star. It is not only the best but the most lasting, and, therefore, the cheapest. Two bites into an apple picked up in a store cost a resident of Portland, Me., three front teeth. He concluded that that must be the kind of apple from which hard cider is made. IF YOU WANT TO BUY A FINE FARM in good fruit country, warm climate, impproved, $16,000 te $20.00 per acre, write tod. W. Car penter, Bolivar, Polk Co. Missouri. The origin of the phrase ‘‘on tick,” meaning credit, was ‘‘on ticket,” the idea being that articles bought and not paid for at the time had to be noted on a ticket. It is estimated that about 250,000 canar- ies are raised every year in Germany. ‘The most important market in the United States, which import over 100,000 birds per annum. Bernhardt gave a matinee for the bene- fit of the victims of the Cretan massacres, and every reference made to Crete or Greece was wildly applauded. Educate Your Bowels With Cascarets Candy Cathartic, cure constipation forever, lc. If C. C. C. fail, druggists refund money. NSION Wain pee Successfully Prosect es Claim: Late Principal Ext Pension Bureau, Syrsin last war, ]5adjudicating claims, atty since. The calamity of the Chodinka meadow at Moscow cost the Russian government 8,500,000 rubles. from cold in muscle, joint, or nerve. 9D~LD™*ED*OIOGEO®@ oD PISePeoe wo nt Re: to winter comfort i: éSoreness « Stiffness ar ee. St. Jacobs Oil warms, relaxes, cure: + DI~DI$D@*O $9649 000000: 29900 REASONS FOR USING 4 GF 3. Because beans of the 099000000904 000000000000000000 000008. Oeeoscesoccooooes: Valter Baker & Co.’s Breakfast Cocoa. ‘ Because it is absolutely pure. 2. Because it is not made by the so-called Dutch Process in which chemicals are used. finest quality are used. 4. Because it is made by a method which preserves unimpaired the exquisite natural flavor and odor of the beans. 5. Because it is the most economical, costing less than one cent a cup. Be sure that you get the genuine article made by WALTER BAKER & CO. Ltd., Dorchester, Mass. Established 1780. LOOD POISON A SPECIALT Y cossyornee tiary BLOOD POISON permanen| jcured in 15to35 days. You can betreated, \ nome for same price under same guaran- ity. If you prefer to come here we willcone ‘tract t¢nay railroad fareand hotel bills,and if we) fl to cure. If you have taken mere noch Sy, lodido potash, and still have ach 2:7) yPseoua Phiches in mouth, hore Trost, implies: Copper Colored Spots, Ul Pim eirot the boay, Hair or Eyebrows fallise er it le this Secondary BLOOD POISO: we rnarantee to cure. We solicit the most obsti- “i mal Taeccangtoure, tite disease Gincieire $2 iid the skill of the most eminent physt= mai guaranty, , Absolute proofs sent sented i coo! Bi3 $27 Sinsonic Temple, CHICAGO, oss Sty CURE YOURSELF! Use Big G for unnatural discharges, inflammations, irritations’ or ulceration of mucous membranes. Painless, and not astrin- \THEEvans CemicatCo, sent or poisonous. Sold by Draggists, ‘or sent in plain wrapper, by express, pre for 31.00, or 3 bottles, $2.75. ircular sent on request, 1g oe ‘ PATENTS i232: 22303 OPIU GET RICH quiets; | way, New Yors. and WHISKY habits cured. Book sem FREE. De. B, M. WOOLLEY. ATLANTA, GA. Send for “300 Inventic. Eagar ‘ate & Co., 245 Broad THE JOKER'S CORNER. WIT, HUMOR AND SATIRE ORIG- INAL AND SELECTED. Che Storm at Sea—A Rival’s Severe Jest —Cause of a Sudden Shock—She Never Kissed—The Prise Fight Up-to- Date. The Storm at Sea. HE cloud was sit- ting on the air; The air was stuffed with breeze; It made a nice, soft easy chair, bouncy as you please, As ? The sea was moist as moist could be; So moist that you and I Might mop through all eternity And never mop it dry. There came a bang of thunder loud; It bumped against the poles; The lightning jiggled through the cloud And pricked it full of holes. The raindrops trickled down like tea Or ginger-beer upset; They trickled straight into the sea And got their feet all wet. She Never Kissed. “I reckon if I wuz to ketch my daughter kissin’ a man I’d just natchel- ly cut him into mincement ground fine,” said the old man from the swamps of the Bracken hills. “Then your daughter won‘t kiss the boys?” ventured a Dover youth with spectacles. ‘*Well, I reckon not, young man,” and the old man gave him a look that dazzled his specs. “But—ah, you know, some girls— who are engaged—you know—some- times kiss their—their—their—boys— you know—and—it’s right and proper na The old man looked at him real hard, and, after watching the youth wilt like a tobacco leaf in an August sun, thun- dered out: “Well, my daughter never kissed a livin’ man, not even her pap— ner a poodle dog, ner a cat, ner noth- in’. “But, there’s no harm—and why—er —why—er?* stammered the brave youth, “Well, I reckon the principalest rea- son why my daughter never kissed nothin’ is that I never had any daugh- ter.” And the thoughtful silence of the young man was so dense that you could hear the price of farm lands drop quietly, drop by drop, while the farm products hanging in the tobacco shed tier by tier—Cincinnati Enquirer. Prize Fighting Up-to-Date. First Slugger—It’s understood, den, dat we divides even up on he vitascope pictures? Second Siugger—Yes, dat goes. Of course, I gits de rake-off on de peanut privileges? First Slugger—Not unless I skims de lemonade stands. Second Slugger—Well, dat goes, wid de understanding dat I’m to have sev- en-eighths of de profits of de boetblack stand. First Slugger—I take eighth-sevenths of dat myself. Second Slugger—Why, you git nine- teen-elevenths of de bar privileges al- ready. First Slugger—An’ ain’t you a-gittin sixteen-ninths off of de seegar stand? Second Slugger—Yes, but youse is raking in heavy on de fotygraf line coz you tink your mug is so beautiful. First Slugger—Say, dat’s me own bizness, ain’t it? Second Slugger—Well, alike er de fight is off. First Slugger—Den de fight is off. Both exit haughtily.—Cleveland Plain-Dealer. we shares Cause of the Shock. Dr, Brown—Your wife has had some sudden shock; if you can tell me what caused it perhaps I can help her. “I can’t think of anything, doctor; but—hold on a minute—I guess I have it; I got in before 12 o’clock last night.” Delayed. “I have come to tell you the story of my love.” The form of the beautiful girl at his side stirred uneasily. “Not yet, not yet,” she said, imper- lously; “I must wait——” She glanced furtively in the direction of the curtained alcove off the parlor. “For my stenographer.” Better Than Opening a Vein. Mrs. Aronstein—Oh, mine huspand! Of you only could know dot gasket you vos in gost a tousand tollars! The Undertaker—No, madam; a hun- dred dollars. Mrs. A.—Hush, I know dat. I vas merely drying to see vedder he really vos tead or nod. A Merited Fate. He was an aspirant for honors ag an amateur humorist, and he had invited in a few of his friends to give them some specimens of his genius. “Now,” blandly he began, “what was the greatest physical feat ever per- formed in the United States?” Nobody spoke. “Why, Wheeling West Virginia, of course,” he said, triumphantly. The silence was ominous. “Now,” he continued, not one whit abashed, “what was the greatest sur- gical operation ever performed in this country?” If anything, the silence was still ominous. “Lansing Michigan!” Then they fell upon him and rent him limb from limb, and scattered the fragments of him from Wheeling, W. Va., to Lansing, Mich. Considerate. “You say,” remarked the debonnaire debtor, “that I am owing more money than anybody else that your firm has on its books?” “Yes, sir,” replied the collector. “And that I am about the only per- son with whom they have trouble in getting their money?” “That’s what they told me.;” “Young man, I like your looks and I like your manners, and I’m going to be a friend to you. I hate to have that debt knocking around my accounts, but for your sake I’ll put up with it. If I were to pay up, the chances are ten to one that your firm would find collec- tions so easy that they would discharge you and then I should never forgive myself.”—Washington Star. Didn't Know When to Stop. “Darling,” said she, “do you love me as much as ever?” “Yes, dearie,”’ said h2, with his nose buried in his newspaper. That ought to have satisfied her, but she had to ask “Why?” “Oh, I dunno. Habit, I guess.”—Cin- cinnati Enquirer. A Rival's Jest. Miss Charming (who has two beaus to her string)—Mr. Quill says thal when he writes those funny jokes of his he first allows his mind to be before perfectly blank. Mr. Dullwit (the rival, who can’t write jokes)—Well, I should say Mr Quill was always in splendid conditior for joking. A Doubtfal Compliment. Belle—Clara exhibited some of her paintings to Mr. Dauber and asked for his criticism. Mamie—Well, what did he say? Belle—He said, “Miss Clara, you dc paint well.” Mamie—I suppose Clara was: delight: ed with the compliment. Belle—Not exactly. He looked right in her face when he said it. Not from the Great Cryptogram. When Shakespeare wrote The line we often quote— “Now is the winter of our discontent,” "Twas evident The poet meant To call Attention to the fact, With subtle tact, That he was married sometime in the fall. A Good Boy. Patents Issued. List of patents issued last week to Northwestern inventors: David E. Arne, Chapin, Iowa, auto- matic measuring faucet;; George W. Aulman, Des Moines, Iowa, clay grind- ing machinery; Frances H. Gorrell, Newton, Iowa, hook and eye; Hiram A. Harrington, Anoka, Minn., seal lock; Edward P. Hummell, La Porte, Iowa, tagging needle; Edwin G. Rust, Prim- ghar, Iowa, metal polish; Lorens Swen- son, Cresco, Iowa, fire escape ladder; Henry C. Vernon, Parker, 8. D., disk sharpener; Benjamin C. Brown, Crest- on, Iowa (design) buckle. T. D. Merwin, Patent Lawyer, 910, Pioneer Press Building, St. Paul, Minn. She Wanted to See and She Saw. On Wednesday evening a large blonde lady—good-looking, too—passed by the messengers who guard the part of the senate wing which is reserved exclusively for the press. As she went by one of the messengers said: “That is private, madam.” “Oh, I just want to look out of the window,” she replied, and walked along. The messenger aurried after her and continued: “But this is private and you are not permitted to go back there.” She didn’t blink an eyelash, but walked along. “I beg your pardon,” said the messen- ger, coming up with her. “Oh, you can come along with me if you want to,” she replied, smiling at him sweetly. “I want to see what is to be seen from this window.” And she did—Washington Post. Another Kind. “Jiggins is the worst base ball crank I ever met.” “T thought he disliked the game.” “That's just it. He can’t talk intelli- gently about it himself, and loses his temper when other people try to.”— Washington Star. To Cure Constipation Forever. Take Cascarets Candy Cathartic. 10c or 25c. (fC. C. C, fail to cure, druggists refuad money. The Dismal Dawson—I got a good notion :o make faces at the first copper comin’ along, and git meself in jail. Everett Wrest—Don't you do it. Just break a winder. You make faces at a 2op an’ you'll git your head knocked n.—Indianapolis Journal. Wiser Plan. The wild elephant is a wise beast, but chere are some who will argue that he has 1 depraved taste. He is fond of gin, it s said, but will not touch champagne. Both the Utah senators were born in Salt Lake City. INDIAN WISDOM. Their knowledge of the Cura- tive Properties of Herbs considered remarkable. A noted Professor, Dr. C. von Spiegel of | Saratoga, N. Y., credits them with many remedies used by him in effect- ing difficult cures. Useful hints to many who suffer, where | they might enjoy the Indian’s pro- verbial good health and longevity but for the prejudice of Ignorance. The once existing idea that no possible good or knowledge could be obtained from an Indian is fast disappearing. When such a man as Dr. C. von Spiegel of Saratoga Springs, in an article published in the daily Saratogian of Sept. 14, states | that he is indebted, not only to the North | American Indians— Kickapoos, Cheyennes, ‘Arapahoes, Pawnees, Apaches, Kiowas, Com- anches, etc., but to the many socalled uncivil- ized nations of the most remote corners of the globe,— for his enormous collection and the knowledge of their virtues, of roots, herbs, barks, gums and balsams, by whose use he has effected the most extraordinary cures in innumerabie desperate cases, it would seem that the world at large should no longer hesitate to look for help from such simple but potent agencies—no matter their origin — instead of dragging out miserable lives of sickness that is aggravated by poisonous | i drugs. Father—Well, what has Tommy been doing today? Mother—He cut off a piece of the cat’s tail, broke three windows, black- ened the cook’s eye and built a bonfire in the cellar. Father—Is that all? Tommy must have been a good boy today. Stands Alone. “J wish I had been born a man,” said the young woman in the course of the controversy. “Really,” said the young man, "I think Adam is the only person on rec- ord who had that experience.”—Cincin- nati Enquirer. Not What He Wanted. Haskell—What’s Bobby crying for? Mrs, Haskell—Oh! the poor boy caught his finger in the pantry door. Haskell—H’m! he evidently didn’t get the jam he was looking for that time, Dunned. Landlady—Did you receive your let- ter, Mr. Hardup? Hardup—Yes, Mrs. Hash. Landlady—A love letter, I presume? Hardup—Well—I might say—a little bill—ah!—due. Must Have. Professor—You disturbed my lecture yesterday by loud talking. Student—Impossible. Professor—Then I must have talked in my sleep.—Fliegende Blaetter. In the Bible Class. The Dominie—What is the tower of Babel? Little Tommy—A. warning to prize- fighters. PROF. CHRISTIAN VON SPIEGEL, M.D. With such words of praise from a man of Dr. von Spiegel’s standing, a regular physi- cian, a graduate and member of several uni- versities, a man who has built up an enviable reputation by his many cures, some of which have been almost miraculous, we are doubly encouraged to call the attention of atin humanity tothe merits of our all-powe: specifics, The Kickapoo Indian Remedies. The best known of these is Kickapoo Indian Sagwa, that greatest of blood puri. fiers and corrector of all derangements of the stomach, kidneys and liver. It is purely ‘vegetable and contains no poisonous ingre- dients whatever. Thousands are enjoying healthy, happy, active lives today, who but for its timely use would now be leading the miserah’e life of adependent cripple, or sito @ premature grave, the victims of blood, ner'vousness, consumption, Srerepei, rheumatism, dropsy, kidney and liver complaints. Each year it becomes better known and more highly appreciated. Each day hundreds pas the happy ones who have been cured by its use and sing its praise. ‘We want sufferers everywhere to give ita single trial. You will be convinced of its wuerits and bless the day you first heard of ‘a. All druggists sell it. you wish medical advice free, write us; one of our staff of physicians will gladly ive 78 such information as you may desire. He ‘ickapoo Indian Medicine Co., New ‘aven, For the Kidneys, Liver and Urinary Organs. HERE is only one way by which py Ingrmead can be ph that is by removing. ‘the cause, what- ever it may be. The it medical authorities of the ire that near- bp Ee A disease is caused by nged Kidneys or Liver. To restore these, therefore, is the only way by which heaith wi : tation. It ACTS DIRECTLY: UPON THE KIDNEYS and LIVER and by them in a sciaty meagtton,tt dis: pain the system. Large bottle or new style smaller one, at your ists. Its reputation—* Twenty years of success,” in four continents. Warner's Safe Cure Co, Lon- don, Rochester, Fran! Bourne, Worentos for Mel- WE BRING YOU GOOD TIDINGS OF GREAT JOY THROUCH THE [Mjacical reatment FOR MEN OFFERED BY THE State Medical Co., OF NEBRASKA, A corporation that has paid $200,000 for a se— cret treatment that has been tested in private practice for nearly ten years. Thousands of men who have given up hope of being cureé are being fully restored by us to cheir former selves. The “STATE MEDICAL COMPANY” is chartered by, and under the laws of, the State of Nebraska, with a capital of $250,000, sub- scribed by leading business men of large means—men who, after the most severe experi- mental tests of this Magical Treatment, organ- ized themselves into a strong corporation for the sole purpose of placing before the public the most wonderful treatment ever known for the cure of LOST VITALITY and RESTORA- TION OF LIFE FORCE, and NERVOUS DE- BILITY in old and young men, who have indis- creetly, through lack of proper knowledge, sapped the VITAL FLUIDS and shattered the nerves, until they have become despondent, ir- ritable and otherwise discouraged, and many feel that life is not worth living. Thousands of graves have been filled by suicides from this most deplorable disease. It causes Loss of Memory, Weakness of Body and Mind, and other difficulties which we cap only explain in our private letters. The original owner of this MAGICAL TREATMENT was often strongly urged to place it on the market, but always refused, saying: “I cannot advertise withcut being classed among the great herd of quacks, who are always preying upon and humbugging suf- fering humanity." And, right here, let us say. that when you see a FREE-CURE or a FREE- PRESCRIPTION advertisement, or an adver- tisement of ‘‘one honest man” (?) who claims to have been cured and wants to give the in- formation free, just set it down that there is NIGGER IN THE WOODPILBE somewhere. We have NO FREE TREATMENT, NO FREE PRESCRIPTION, but we have a treat- ment that will cure all curable cases, and we have cured thousands where the best remedies known to the highest medical authorities have failed. When you see an advertisement which claims to ‘‘cure all," no matter how BAD, don’t you believe it, for there are some cases beyond all medical skill, that even our MAG- ICAL TREATMENT cannot cure. But, where we think we cannot cure, we will promptly tel? you so, and always, when we make a mistake, ‘we will cheerfully refund every dollar. When any one claims he can cure so that the disease WILL NEVER RETURN AGAIN, he makes false statements, because these same troubles and diseases will return under the same. conditions that originally breught them on; but one who has for a time, even a short time, been deprived of his manly vigor, when it is restored to him again will be more care- ful in his after life, and thereby continue to enjey these blessings during the rest of his life. ‘We do not send medicines C. O. D. until the patient so orders it, and we do not wish to be classed among the great band of quacks plying their vocation all over the country. We know what we have, and know it to be a wonderful) remedy. We have made many marvelous cures among those who have tried the best known treatments. The State Board of Health has for years recognized the necessity of a remedy for these diseases, and a living evidence of its great importance may be found in the State Insane Asylum of Nebraska, as well as in every other insane asylum in the world. There comes a time to those afflicted when they will reach a point beyond all medical aid, and you should not delay longer. ‘We want you to write us for particulars an¢ Jet us furnish you with absolute proofs of ous honorable, upright methods of doing business. ‘We can treat you at home as well as here, under the same guarantee to cure or returz your money, but if you prefer to come here write us and fully describe your case, and it we think we can cure you we will make ar iron-clad contract to pay your railroad fare both ways, hotel bills while here, and make ne charge if we fail to cure. If we cannot con- vince you that you are safe to do busines: with us we will allow you to deposit our fee ix any safe bank, to be paid to us when a cure is effected. We cannot Go better; who else will da as well? Address, . STATE MEDICAL CO., OMAHA, NEB.