Evening Star Newspaper, November 22, 1925, Page 81

‘ words, ¢ THE SUNDAY STAR., WASHINGTON, 29 D. C, NOVEMBER 1925—PART 2. 5 Modern and Ancient Turkey Days and Other Thoughts of Home If You Use Only the Checks in Your Book, That Account Must Be in Good Condition BY NINA WILCOX PUTNAM. S the late Sultan of Turkeys once said in a exclusive inter- view to the Associated Press. “The popular idea about Tur is that it should always he accompanied hy cranberry sauce: hut the old-fashioned ideal about home made Thanksgiving dinners being the berries, f= mostly applesauce.” And how true them words are cer tainly was demonstrated to 1 and George, that's my hsuband, about this time last year. Geo. haa decided where it would he lovely to have a veal old-fashioned Thanksgiving din- ner, with « snowy tablecloth, & sno front vard and everything. We was to fnvite the mommers, his and mine, and Uncle Will. and Aunt Eata. It certainly was a beautiful idea, and he trotted it out about one month before the actual day, or, in other a safe distance. which is the point where enthusiasm is apt to run highest Nay Jennie, he says to me. what say we have a wow of a dinner Thanksgiving, and the dear oid home folks gathered ‘round the festive bhored? And I says why George Jules, don’t ask me what I say. it wouldn't be fit to listen to. But he s aw come on, he savs T'd like to see another of them real old tim with a groaning load of real eats on the mahogany And 1 s veh, sure, and A groaning .Junic after rds, not 10 mention the =roaning when the hills re made up the first of Dec. with Xm: staring ns in the face. Well, T n't heen married to Geo. Aall the yvears [ have survived of it. without being able 1o tell when he really wants something and when he —~—— is merely building castles under his ahair, as the old saving goes. And this time he meant what he said. Al ready he could see. in his mind. the zathering of the clans. Not Ku Klux, family. He had ‘em driving up in sleighsful with merry ha, ha's. cherry creetings and etc. Very likely he cven had the ladies in poke-bonne and the gents in high hats with shawls pinned around their shoulders and their pants stzapped under thelr boots, the same as on the conventional Xmas And so I didn’t have the heart e to do the cooking. <ides. T have found, the same as any normal wife. that when friend hushand wants something you can give him instead of the customary vice versa. why that is a good mo- strike him for the thing you sur own self. Hot Bozo! This was the time for me to spring the wid bhank account idea which he had for vre. veioed every time it come up)| ~for signature Say dear 1 says ht, we will have a real old t Thanksgiving. with turkey and pie and raisins and nuts and all the other relatives. hut T can’t manage it on household llowance you ave giving me per week Simply must let me have bhank unt of my own. then I can manaze the money this wa t wav more or less, if you idea. Otherwise hing de turkey he trotted in this house is the answer no? Well, says Geo.. if yvou wil prom- ise 1o keep the book balanced and not overdraw. I will open a acct. for you in your own name in the Bank of the River. So 1 says fine dear, T will halanc haok perfectly every place ¢ on the tip of my nase., while overdrawing. why T can't even draw a straight line and never could you needn't worry hout me © extremes on that end_of it atter baby next nizht he hrought cutest little cheque book the hank hook in its <ame as a mother Kan n 1 that doll. and me home th that carrled the * o ox % this cheque hook was just mmed full of cheques. and in the bank book was a bunch ires, something about one hun nd twenty-five dollars, but natu I didn’t pav no attention to that. hut rather to what Geo. told me about the cheques. and how simple it was to 1urn them into money. It seems 1 didn’t draw the cheques all. I was to write them, which was a big relfef to me, as per above. And the very next dayv in to do so. I didn’t really need ¢ anything, but 1 felt T had bet- ymmence making out cheques 1 forgot Geo.'s instructions. 1 went right down to the Emporium and hought Junior one of them new long pant suits s seven, and some toilet water, fiv-paper and hall carpet. and give my cheque for the raft. And the funnie i was they took it Well, for the next three wks, 1 went on along the same lines. Tt was certainly wonderful what I could gel, using cheques instead of money. It seemed like I was geiting threa times as much as before. But I am nothing if not sensible & economical 50 just the day before Thanksgiving I felt maybe I had better ease off a | litle on the spending. although 1| hadn’t drew more then 20 cheques.| Naturally T had to have a new dress for this big home time dinner we was | giving on the day the Turkey angels | are made, so in the morning 1 went | down to the Emporium and picked up | the dearest model for a mere song.| The clerk made me write the words and music In my cheque book, but the whole thing, including godets and | few extra buttons only come to the tume of $39.50, and 1 had the comfort of knowing that. no matter what the | relgtives said about my cooking. if | they picked on my dress it would be | nothing but envy Right around the corner from the | dress dept. at the Emporium they have got a hat dept. planted right where any Mdy trying to make a economical exit is lable to lose her balance, if any, and fall for something | in the way of overhead. And as I tripped through it. T pretty near fell for a hat which might just of been made to go with the dress I had bought. This feminine kelly was only sixteen ninety-eight marked down and captureable, from seventeen dol- lars, but 1 wax firm. 1 savs to myself now Jennie Jules, I says remember it Is still « long ways to| the first of the month. leave it layv. And T done just that and heat it for| the market. * % HOT BOZO: when I got there, may be 1 wasn't glad T had saved all that money by not buvinz the hat! Also, I wished I had saved a little strength on account not over 99 per cent of the total population of the country had left buying their turkey until the last minute and in the crowd at the bird counter there was certainly some fewl plays going on. Busy? 1 never seen such 2 mob! They was | ready to give their cash to anvbody | who would take it, provided that per- | son would leave them get out of the | market with a turk. Tt was a clear | case of self-help, and there ought to| of been signs put up to the effect “Watch your turnips & cranberries, | the management {s not for heads of lettuce unless checke: by the cashier and not always then. There was no hope for me to get | at the turkey-coop when I first got in, so I commenced piling up ve- etables and groceries for myself. to save 1 and the clerk both trouble. 1 go 2 Ibs. butter, a flock of car- rots, 3 cans tomatoes, raisins, nuts, | 2 head of cabbage. and left them ali | in a heap while I dived through the maddening throng in order to stalk a little celery. | By the time I got back to my park-| o | minute I come inside the hous: | this is? responsibleé | ¢ “THE TURK STUCK HIS HEAD OUT THE OTHER WINDOW. space, a bigger. stronger lady then me was walking off with my stuff. So the best 1 could do wax grab off a few beets. cauliflowers, eggs and Swiss cheese that another had assembled, and fight my wa the poultry fancier, who was getting less fancy by the minute, and who prompily broke the news to me that they had no time to kill me a turkey, 1 would haf buy it on the hoof. I savs to him, to Kill a turkey! talk him to death the brute. ing Set up tonight and save the butcher, But even so. I says. I wouldn't know how to dress him. Why | not all in white? savs the feller. And that was all the satisfaction I could | get out of him except I did persuade him to rope and tie a 14 pounder, and then T was all set 1o make out cheque for my bill. pack the car with the stuff and head for home. 1 had honght such a bunch of eats that they took up the whole entire back sext. so the turkey had to set up in the front sea: with me. And maybe that was fust as well. on ac unt about then it commenced to w and I couldn’t see a thir through the windshleld, and so T stuck my head out of one window to watch the road, and the turk stuck his head out the other window, to watch his side. although what life meant to him At that date ix more than I can imagine. Well. finally we got back home. T thoroughly wore out, and the bird practically a nervous wreck. And of all things who would be there before me only George, in a perfectly awful temper. Lookit sr here. he shouted the very Look- it here. he says waving a notice of some kind at me. do you know what T am not a mind reader. 1 save, calm down and give me the specifications. Well, says he. it's a no- tice from the bank, vou're over- drawn—only three weeks since opened that account for vou, and you're overdrawn! Nonsense. 1 says, T've got two checks left. But you | ain’t got the money to cash 'em with, Geo. velled, and 1 suppose vou have been ‘buying more stuff this after- noon? Why ves T have, I savs. and do vou mean to tell me my cheques was no £00d? Why. I wrote ‘em out person- ally myself, T says. 1 not only mean 10 tell 'you. I am trying to, says Geo. Why, for the luvva tripe, woman, he vs. don't vou know you can be sent 10 jail for giving a bad cheque? No! 1 says, scared lavender. Yes, says Geo. vou certainly can! Hot Bozo! I says, do you suppose they can arrest people on Thanksgiving, and me with all that cooking to do? I dunno! savs George, gloomy, but 1 guess maybe! And that was all the comfort I could get out of him. * ook ¥ ELL. the next day wasn't a very busy one for me. Here 1 hadda slave like one of these 1 don’t know how | | TO WATCH HIS SIDE.” orgles, or whatever they callsd them slaves that rowed them big old anclent | boats, and all the time I was expecting the cops any minute, and each time the front doorbell rung, why 1 pretty near had heart faflure. But no. it wal never the cops, much worse, it was a relative, coming to dinner. Well. ‘any lady with a family knows what them dinners are. 1 was up | that morning by 6, tearing bread to pleces and jamming it together again |in the part of the turkey from which | the machinery had been removed | Also I was not mincing matters with the mincemeat. and 1_was knocking the pumpkin ple-eyed. The cranberries was never the same again after I got through with them, and the ham which was about to renew old barn vard acquaintances with the turkey. had to be thoroughly manicured. Then 1 give the celery a boyish bob, made up a few biscuits for their part. pol | ished the silverware. ofled the dining | room table, washed out a few of the hest napkins. and then, after 1 had | swept out the dining room. shined the | windows, made sure there was nothing in the living room for George's mother to find dust on, or in Junior's reom for my Ma to erab ahout, why all I had to do was set the table. cook the rest of the food. ice the cider, instruct the hired waitress, clean up Junior. brush off George. change into my new blue crepe de snake dress, and try to find a welcoming smile some place around the heuse {0 put on at the last minute. And all this time 1 had a horrid fear of the phone ringing and a ominous | voice passing some remark to the | effect. this is the chief of police speak ing. | "Well. everyhody come ta the meal | as per schedule, hecause they thought | oh well. T suppose it is my duty to go. after all_this only happens onct a vear, and etc. And after they had acquired sufficient background for the in mfgrs. to get their percentage. v they set around until it w decent to go, which they done in hody, leaving me with the total wreck |of a meal. a stack of dighes higher then the Woolworth Building, and a pair of dogs which felt several sizes 100 large for their shoes. Absolutely T hadder sit down for a minute and rest, police or no police. Aishes or no dishes. And when T dona =0. I picked up the evening paper and this is the first plece T read: Enjoy Thanksgiving Meal: “Inmates of the county jall feast ‘bountifully on turkey and pie fur- nished free by the State. Na- tional holiday one of rest and en- joyment for the convicts.” ‘Well, when that registered, a awful funny feeling come over me! So that was life in jall! And before I hardly knew what I was doing, 1 reached for my check book and wrote out a bad check to the Emporium for the hat I had passed by. (Co | “Prisoners sright. 1925.) Questions for the Lucy Stone League About the Problems of Home Salaries RY SAM HELLMAN. ‘M thinking some of joining | the Lucy Stone League, re- marks the wife. “What's that?" 1 lnqulr‘.s.l A soclaty 1o buy shoes for harefoot eels | The Lucy Stone League.” explains | the frau. “I& made up of women that | keep their maiden names.” . “You mean.” says T, “a lot of shelf- | warmers that ain’'t been able to throw @ meal ticket for a loss?” | “No. T don't.” snaps the misses. | “Tha Lucy Stoners are all married, but they keep their maiden names Just. the same.” What for?” 1 “For the very turns Kate, “that <on why a girl identity because Why should I ns Mre. Twin Higgine “That,” 1 reiurns, is I hegan wondering ahout he honeymoon, but I don't see vhere you'd heen any better off ngging that monicker [ took in trade Kate MeGillienddy ain’t no name to perjure with.” “The McGillicnddye, he wife, “were. < ‘Yes, ves,” 1 euts in. “They were | kings of Ireland back in those davs when Treland didn’t have any kings. but they ain't been nothing but deuce spots in this country “What did the Iligg demande “the wife. “or one thing.” I replies. “they saved & McGillicuddy from having to totter through life with that kind of handie. Ior another. a HIggins signs the checks every first of the month that permits a Mc vat regular, and enring rezular ain't 1 fad of the McGillicuddy tribe. What ther Higgzinses has done T don't e, I'm siarting « line of ancesiors myselt.” \ “What a marked-down gonna be!” sniffs Kate. ‘1 guess, at t " save [LUIC1 take a few generations to wips the Me =l jieuddy strain out of the blood, (43 wants to know. | snappy reason,’” re-i they ain't no rea- | should lose her | she gets married. | have 10 be known | something ever since choote out nses ever do?" line that's ng the Higginses for a mo- | ment interrupts the misses, “and | atting the subject back to decency, | © that » woman who has herselr under her maiden name ought te take her husband’s just because she's mar- ried “Well, says T. “I don't see where it’s hurt Mrs. Fiske or Mrs. Pat Camp- bell any. T admits that it might be a flop in some cases, but those are ex- ceptions. Why should the average skillet wrestler want to keep her maiden name for—you for example?” “Because,” answers Kate, ‘“they ain’t no more reason why I should take your name than you should take mine. We're equals, aren’t we?” “Will you put that in writing?" I demands, excitedly. “Why?" asks the frau. “Do you realize,” T goes on “what | vou have just sald—that I'm as good 28 vou are, that T have as many rights WELL-WELI HELLO MR S| in this house as vou have, that—- Hand me my pipe. I want to smoke here among the new curtains.” “You just dare!” snaps the misses. “What an equal I turned out to be,” T sneers. “I thought you admitted that I had the same rights as you had. Mrs. McGillicuddy. Do them Lucy Stoners still keep the misses?” No,” returns Kate. “They just call themselves Jane Brown and Ruth Smith, without any miss or misses to it. Of course, there might be a little trouble before the Lucy Stone idea spreads over the country, but we women are going to be independent of our husbands no matter how much trouble it takes.” “Independent of our bank rolls, 7" 1 wants to know. b KIMY = AND How ARE VYou MisS BILTER] FITEHKY ? “THE L.UCY STONE LEAGUE.” EXPLAINS THE FRAU, “IS MAD! OF WOMEN WHO KEEP THEIR MAIDEN NAME! ‘Certainly.” returns Kate. “The time is coming when husband and wife will have their own salaries and——" ““How soon is that time coming with vou?” 1 cuts in. “I'm earning my salary right now,” snaps the misses. ““Keeping house for vou ought to be worth fifty thousand a vear, anyways. “I suppose,” I remarks, “that when the Lucy Stoners get going strong a guy’ll propose to a gal and she'll ask what salary he's willing to pay. If he say=$5,000 a vear she'll come back with a crack that some other bimbo’s ;v_lllsl;n] to punish the bankroll for Vhat's wrong about that?” asks Kate. “Nothing.” says 1. “I'm for f{t strong. Here you are around 40 and Why shouldn't I give you chick that's willing to work for $15,000 a year?" “You're silly.” argues the miss “Why,” I wanis to know. want to put the home on a b basis, don't you?" ‘“Yes,” she admits, ‘‘but— ‘““There are no buts about i tinues. “Every business concern in the world gets rid of olJd men to put young blood on the pay roll. Why shouldn’t the same thing be done in the marriage business?" “I suppose.” sneers the misses, ou'd have a woman sacrifice her youth for you and then you'd throw her out? “I'd give her a pension like the cor- porations d says I, “and pay the real dough to a flashy young fily. Where does the sentiment come in with this Lucy Stone lay-out. If a woman aint got sentiment enough to stand for such a trifiing thing as tak- ing the name of the man who's dress- ing and feeding her, what kick is she got coming if the provider gives her the snow and ice? The trouble with vou frills is you want to be independ- ent, but you want some fish of a man to pay for the upkeep. I imagine when vou change your name back to McGillicuddy I'll have to pay the ex- penses of having your duffie mono- | srammed all over agaln.” % Kate. "I T con ‘Good heavens!” never thought of that.” (Conyright. 1825.) you think you're worth $50,000 a year. | the air | and get me another wife—a young | BY STEPHEN LEACOCK. ITH the approach of Thanks- giving day throughout the U. 8. A., the thoughts of all thoughtful persons, such as the readers of this jour- nal, ought to turn to the considera- tion of what éverybody on the North American continent has to be thank ful for. Of late there has been a tendency to repine. Again and again I go into aman’s office and find him all humped up in his chair, repining. T have to lift him up by the coat collar and set him_straight again. After all, whatever troubles there may be around us, here we are on the good old earth still spinning round as usual. When I say spinning, per- haps I ought to qualify it a little. It appears more and more from the dis- coveries of Professor Einatein of Ber- iin that she is not spinning quite as she did. It seems that the spacial content of the cone described by the prolongation of the earth's axis is not what we thought it was. But, personally, I never expected that it would be. Things never are. It is proved now that space is only a relative conception and that the earth is really moving constantly round a corner. This means that the future life of our planet is greatly shorter than had heen supposed. Instead of the fifty million years that we had confidently expected, it appears that we are not likely to have more than five million. But what of that? Let us enjoy our five million vears while we can. It aarth doesn’t spin as well as it it still spins. That's something. Then in the next placc we look ahout us at this glad Thanksgiving time and we see the beautiful pros pect of a world at peace. Thix alone after the terrible recollections of the war should make us thankful—the mere thought that we have peace. At least, when one says peace I sup- pose one ought more property to mod ify the expression just a little bit. Tt appears from recent dispatches that the French have taken another biff at the Riffs and that General Lyautey says that if he can have another hun did, the | __HIS POC “ANY MAN CAN FETCH HOME A GALLON OF CRUDE OIL A BUSHEL OF OATS AND PUT 12 CENTS CLEAR PROFIT INTO AND {dred thousand men he can things up even better. But never mind. with men enough and gunpow der enough. they can pacify the whole map of Africa. It also appears. or at least rumored, that the Bolsheviki may make a drive on British Indis: either that, or perhaps they will combine | with the Japs and take a drive at China. Moreover, the Little Rus slans, aboutstwo hundred thousand o the wee fellows, are said to he think ing of a drive against the Letts or |the Laps. Bur let them drive. They've | Rot the driving hablt and can't get over it. All that they need is that speed it = same one should start up golf whare they live and they'd he all righ There's a little of treuble and there in pl Hindoos all over India are sald be in a state of effervescence Never mind. Let them seethe They say, too, that there may he monarchical revolution at any mo- ment in Germany, and there's talk among the Arabs of a Jehad or sacred war against the Christians, and the native Christians in Arab plot tng against the French Still, all said and done, this is peace. And if any one breaks it we can always write and tell the League of Nations. wee F here ather too. The Thankful Thoughts for Thanksgiving Inspired by Better World Conditions One turns to the home. Is it not at least momething to he thankful for at this season of Thanksgiving that | we stfll have a roof above our heads | \ l 10 shelter us? When I say “we have a roof,” possibly it would be better to shade the expression somewhat. It is unfortunately true that a good many of us have no roof, owing 1o the shortage of houses The census now shows that we have about 120,000,000 people in the United | States and Canada, with housing ac- commodations for only 100,000,000 There are 20,000,000 homeless people among us this Thanksgiving time It is only too true. 1 have myself seen them sitting round in the cabarets and palm rooms at 2 o'clock | in the morning. Another very real reason that we have for being thankful is that at last the dreadful pressure of the high cost of living is passing away. Prices are coming down. Wheat has fallen 2 cents. Rolled iron is off at least 32 a ton and steel bars is getting cheaper every day. In other words, all the old home comforts are coming back to us Crude oil has come down 4 cents a gallon and oats R cents a hushel Any man can step out Thanksgiving ning and fetch home a gallon of ude oil and a bushel of oats and put cents’ clear profit into his pocket More than this. the market repor how t leather is very nerveis and there strong under currant in cement: and lonk at bric and tiles. 1 tell vou are coming It our own very fast Rut the hest of all is 1hat we hate zot indusirial peace. There strikes—apart from coal mines, facte ries and a few places like that. Times are said to he getting hetter and het ter. Only last week a Belgian firm placed « in Pittshurgh for a sewin No one is out of work except unemployed In short, it is not such a bad old world as we might suppose. It is het- ter to sta nd be thankful 2ht. 1975.) m. at a are on it (Coos Presenting a “Hitherto Unpublished” Tale of John Alden and Miles Standish RBY RING LARDNER. To the Editor: On the eve of Thanks giving Day the writer has received more than one (2) letters from foreign born readers asking information fin regards to this feasi. when and where it started and a brfef history of same | since the Inception of same. [ thought at first of replying by personal letter but decided that In thees days of jazz and guzzling amongst the young fries why mavbe they's a great many of my readers has not had time to make themself familiar with the meaning of Thanksgiving, will answer the auery through your columns in the be- Ilef that enough subscribers is inter- ested to make it worth while. The first Thanksgiving Day on rec- ord was held in the New England States In 1621 after the then Pil grims had gathered in thelr first harvest. 1 will copy down a report of the celebration as it appeared in the Stockbridge (Mass) Gazette of which Edward Crowninshield was editor. “‘Graditude Day’ was celebrated in Stockbridge and in general all over New England yesterday. It had been declared a holiday and the public was urged to spend it in merrymaking and also in returning thanks for the luxuriant crops recently harvested Here In Stockbridge the majority of citizens and a big crowd of saps from out of town visited the Ice Glen in the morning to work up an appetite for noonday dinner which was served at the golf club and consisted of sardines, all.day suckers from New York and 22 kinds of pie. “In the afternoon a foot ball game was played between Amherst and Cor- nell in which the far western hoy were victorious by a score of 7 to 0. The Biz Red Team scored their touchdown on a forward pass which according to Ambherst players. touched the ground 4 times before it was pick- ed up by Right Guard Juke, who was ineligible besides, but Referee Miles Standish allowed the score. It was said afterwards that he was cock- red on Bronx cocktails. I told him * sald old Mrs. Standish last night. ‘to lay off that raw stuff. but he thinks anything that has got a Plymouti label is real pre-war gin. Live and let learn.’ “The climax of the celebration came after supper when the entire com munity and guests attended a dance at the new Elks temple. Young Stan noxious when he observed Miss Pris- cilla Mayflower, to whom he had been engaged, doing the Charles. Miss Mayflower resented his in terference and her part was taken by voung John Alden, or Junfor Alden. Junior was pretty well boiled himself. “‘Where do you crash in?" demand- ed Miles. ‘She ain’t your hotsy-totsy, is she? “To which Juniox replied hy stand- ing on a table, pointing to the | BY ED WYNN. EAR Mr. Wynn: My son, who is in Bridgeport, Conn., has gotten into some sort of trou- ble and has been arrested. 1 have been advised to get a | eriminal lawyer for him. Are there any criminal lawyers in Bridgeport? Yours truly, E. LIZABETH. | Answer: There probably are sev- leral, but you'll have a hard time prov- ing it. * Dear Mr. Wynn: 1 just visited the City of Washington and went to all the Gowernment buildings. I was par- ticularly Interested in the Senate chamber. I saw a_minister sitting next to the Vice President of the United States. Tell me why is the minister there—does he pray for the Senators? Sincerely, A. SITESEER. : No! No! No! The minis- ter does not pray for the Senators The minlster takes a look at the Sena- tors, then prays. Dear Mr .Wynn: Why do so many people buy their milk from a milk- man? Why don’t they get it direct from the cow? A cow gives pure milk. Truly yours, CARRIE PALE. Answer: It is true that a cow gives pure milk, but the difference between a cow and a milkman is that a cow doesn't give credit. . Dear Mr. Wynn: dish still had a bun and became ob- | | i | | { “MISS PRISCILLA MAYFLOWER | WHILE SHE WAS DOI | Eut RESENTED HIS INTERFERENCE > THE CHARLESTON.” around the house a certain length of time, well. I remember once while I was an employ the Chicago Tribune and Mr. Fielding H. Y sent me a ev for Christmas and It came to the office in a big pack ,age that did not say turkey on § or nothing else and I happened 1o be on my vacation the boys in the office put the package on top | of the radiator and in after vears the hear mention of the Michigan foot ball team seemed to upset them As for President Gloppo it is well known that there were no Thursdays during his tenure of office. He des pised Thursdavs. People still living in Great Neck remember President Gloppo's campaign slogan: “'No tang ling foreign alliances and Thursdays ant. he turkey first hecame the official hanksgiving plece of resistance >resident J. H. Taylor. but in the bird was melted into soup {and drunk through a straw. A Thanksgiving song, “Turkey and the Straw,” was composed by Irving Ber lin and the singing of it was a part of the celebration all through the first haif of the last c ry. It was on Thanksgiving night the first vear Taylor was president that One-Eyve Connolly was strollin ound the White House grounds and chanced to encounter the executive who announced that he was taking the air on account of something he had eat which had disagreed with him. “What nolly. “I had a gobbler,” Taylor. This was afterwards used as a title did you have?" asked Con replied President heroine of the occasion and singing {a weird song which began something itke th “'Yes, sir, that's my baby! | No. sir, don't mean mayhe. Yes, sir, that's my baby now! “Standish was finally taken home in quart bottles and the evening wound up in a round of pleasurabla kissing games.” Thus tha first “Gratitude day.” or Thanksgiving day, as it has subse- quently been called. Since that time the celebration has been held all over the United States every No- vember. except during one year of the administration of President Hotchkiss, who was in the White House between President Hayes and wedding whith Is to take place in the afternoon. Can I wear a pair of tan shoes? Truly yoprs, . GAGED. Answer: You can if you so desire, but if you haven't any more, clothes than that, don’t go 1o the wedding at all” Dear Mr. Wynn: I wonld like to get a job cleaning out banks. Can you advise me how to go about it? Sincerely, C. KING WORK. Answer: First you must write and tell me just what you want to be in the bank, to clean it out—president, cashier, bookkeeper or janitor. Dear Mr. Wynn: I am sure I met | it is unbelievable. He wanted President Fillmore. and also the en- tire administration of President Gloppo, who succeeded President Polk. President Hotchkiss was known as the “Jocular President.” His familiars in fact, used to call him Joc Hotch- kiss. It was his perverted sense of humor that made him “forget” one vear to {ssue the proclamation with- out which the Thanksgiving holiday was not legal. The housewives never forgot this on him because they had all ordered their turkey and kept wait ing and waiting for the proclama- tion so they would feel free to stick the bird in the oven, but of course the proclamation was not forthcom- | ing and when a raw turkey has heen the meanest man in the world. This man, as soon as the cold weather comes around, goes down to the rail road tracks and calls out all sorts of vile names at the engineers as they pass in their engines. It seems the engineers get angry, but they can't stop their engines, so they throw pleces of coal at him, trying, of course. to hit him. That's just what this man wants. He has a bag with him and as the engineers throw the coal at him he picks it up and takes it home for his furnace. Did vou ever hear of any one meaner than that? Truly yours, 1. GOSSIP. Answer: That's pretty stingy. but T knew a man once who was o stingy to com A “Brass Brain.” 'HE ‘“Dbrass brain,” a device that can predict what the tides will be in any seaport in the world at any time—for tomorrow or 100 years from tomorrow—is in constant use in the laboratory of the Coast and Geo- detic Survey, says Popular Science Monthly. The machine is said to do the work of 60 mathematicians, and actual check on the predictions proves it to be nearly 100 per cent accurate. At present the ‘“brass.brain” {is being used to predict the tides at 85 ports | all over the world. As a result of those predictions the department {is I am Invited to a able to tell two yedrs in advance what | men's pocksts this A the high-water mark will he at 3,500 other ports. The idea was conceived by R. A. Harris, chief mathematician of the department, and the plans and con- struction were under the direction of E. G. Fischer, M. E. It took 15 years to perfect, and its name is derived from the fact that practically all of its 15,000 parts have been made of brass. Even the extra day in leap vear is given consideration by the wonder- ful “brass brain.” Fall Fashion Hint—Little change in ar, “THE RED TEAM SCORED A TOUCHDOWN ON A FORWARD PASS WHICH TOUCHED THE GROUND 4 TIMES BEFORE IT | WAS PICKED UP. Meanest Man and Nearest Competitor | Both Discovered by This Investigator mit suicide and he went next doer to use his neighbor's gas. Dear leather banana Mr. Wynn: 1 know makes good shoes, but skins make good slippers? Sincerely, that do R. HEEL Answer next week. THE PE (Convright. FECT FOOL. 1925.) Novel Railway Car. ARRYING its own private wate fall to run itself by a water tur- bine, a railway car utilizing a new type of power transmission s attragt- ing the attentlon of Swedish transpor- tation engineers. The prime motive power consists of an internal com- bustion motor of the usual type, but instead of using gears or electric transmission, the motor operates a centrifugal pump, which supplies water under pressure to a turhine di- rectly geared to the driving axle. The speed of the car is governed by the height of the artificial “head” of water created by the pump. With a motor of 180 horsepower the car has attained a speed of 50 miles per hour. An especial advantage claimed for the new transmission method is free- dom from jerks in starting and stop- | ping. Swedish railroads have alread ordered the manufacture of four mo- | tor railroad cars and one Diesel loco- cotive equippad with the new %Sy- draulic drive.