Evening Star Newspaper, February 13, 1897, Page 14

14 THE EVENING STAR, SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 13, 1897-24 PAGES. ten Exclusively for The Evening Star. as well as work- ‘Barbers are blowers . wn barber, “and — ed a dow Uittle. If a barber can pri y wait on sixty customers in a day, he is doing a hard day’s work, as he wili find out before the day’s work is done. Even In the best shops—I mean by this in the shops where the biggest steady “trade is done—the fast- est barbers are satisfied with shaving fifty customers, though if they are pushed herd they can shave ten more. In inauguration times, when customers are satistied with anything in the way of a shave, or during any big rush, they may handle even more, but regular customers will not stand any such a hurry. beard properly lathered and than it does to shave a customer. ers will stand a rush as far as the hair is concerned, but they want to. gone over slowly when the razor is being used. In dry, cold weather it takes much longer to soften the beard than during damp weather, and as a rule it takes twice as long to shave a customer in winter as it does during the summer time. The actual time needed to shave a customer Is fifteen minutes. This includes getting the beard in condition, shaving and dressing the kair. To do this a barber is doing about all he can do. I was present at a barbers’ picnic once out in San Francisco, where there was a competition for a medal. One barber got away with the prize with a record of fif- teen seconds actual shaving time. We ail sympathized with the victim, for he stood a mighty good chance of having his nose or chin trimmed off as well as his beard. ee et * “All the talk of the chainless bicycle, of which so much was heard last fall, has simmered down to the fact that it will be some time yet before the chain can be dis- pensed with,” remarked a well-known pat- ent expert. “The bicycle makers are after the same thing that the agricultural ma- chinery manufacturers have been experi- menting with, without any marked succes: for the past ten years. I do not say that the chainless bicycle will not come, but I moisiened Custom- think I am safe in ing that the chain will linger wita us for scme yesrs. I 13> not know, either that any of the bicycle makers of the popular patterns or styles are very anxious to do away with the chain. Of « y do not desir that any of their rivals should put a cha’ less wheel on the market, for waether it Was a Success or not, it would cateh ail the buyers for a while. As it is now I am in- that the bie: control the high-grale whee! among themselves that they will not make any more efforts ta that direction as far as the wheels for 1807 are concerned. ‘The second grade or lower price wheels are crowding so upon them that they have as much as they can do to keep the marke from them, w spending any mon upon experiments on a chainless wheel, and for which there nev any demand except hat are known as bicycle cranks. tx & & “I had a rat iar experience one. said a well-! architect, “and while I little of dreams, thei at one I siderably. I fonally, and I Tr a residence, of any particular i A few nights after that I dream- ed that I had bought a Jot and that when I took possession of it I found that there Was a goat upon the lot, and I was tuld goat went with the lot as a sort of I did not want the goat, fer I never admired goats, but it appears I } him, and it was one of the Bi brand. The dream was so silly that I not mention it, even to my wife. So: Weeks after that I actualiy bought a lo and after the preliminary out I went up there one afternoon wit wife to show it to her. Here comes th strange part of my story. In the rear part of the let stood the goat I had seen in my dream, without any mistake, even to a broken or crumpled horn on the left side. Then I told my wife of my dream of three weeks befcre. away, but he returned az often as I did so. Weil, my wife and the purcha: ageertain wno not mpieted. I tried to get any very definite idea as to its ownership. The goat hung around the place while I was buliaing, and though I did want to keep the goat I had to do so. Billy died a few days since, having been a decided nuisance to me and others for a long time. Here was a case where ‘coming ents cast their shadows before’ if there ever was a clear, well-established case of the kind. I have no explanations or theories about it, but have stated the facts as they occurred. I leave the expla- ration for psychologists or dream experts.” a “I am glad to see that Congress is like- ly to appropriate Money to erect a monu- ment to the memory of Major L’ the engineer who planned this elty e marked an old citizen, “for I am one of the very few persons left who ever saw the major. It may not be generally kndw: but ft fant had a rather precarious ex- He had no regular income, and lived by kindnesses of friends. In addition to his great skill as an engineer, he had graceful manners, @ Kindly nature and a remarkably fine personal presence. In closing days of his life he was almost to- tally supported by Mr. Dudley Diggs, who then resided at Chilum Castle Manor, just outside of the District line, and which 1s now a part of the Riggs farm, about a mile and a half distant from the Soldiers’ Home. There Maj. L’Enfant lived during the last two or three years of his life, and on that farm for nearly fifty years resied his bones in the garden of the old home- stead. Through the beneficence of the late W. W. Corcoran, all that was left of the great engiueer was afterward removed to Oak Hill cemetery.” eee * & “The heating and boiler plant of the State, War and Navy Departments build- ing.” said Commander Baird, U.S.N., sup- I tried to drive the goat | and so did I, | wned the goat, but could | It takes longer fo get thej erintendent of the building, “though not generally known, is the largest in the world. Indeed, there are very few heating plants in existence that even approach it in extent or power. To run it requires 5,000 tons of coal every year. During the re- cent cold snap this plant consumed thirty- three tons cf coal each day, the contract price of which is $4.30 per ton. In moder- ately cold weather, however, twenty tons of coal suffice for cach day. There are in the plant 12 heating bollers, 10 steam boll- ers, 2 engines for dynamos and one for the machine shop. These run the eight ele- vators and the two. printing offices in the building, as well as the hydraulic and steam pumps. The electric light outft {3 run at an expense of 4% cents per thousand Watts. In other words, the expense for elec- tric Ighting is less than one-half the ex- pense of gas, which was formerly and ex- clusively used. There is a gas service, should it be needed. There are 2,000 peo- ple In the building, and the questicns of ventilation, heating and lighting are very impertant to all concerned. By the ar- rangements in connection with the coal valuts, the coal goes direct to the furnaces, where it is consumed with one handling and at very little expense. In this respect the heating plant is also far superior to any other. The thirty or more cartloads of cecal which went into the furnaces each day last week were weighed also after they ar- rived inside of the department court, where there is a standard scale.” ees + ke KK ‘While down in South Carolina recently,” said a naval officer, “I found that the col- ored folks were terribly worked up in consequence of the wanderings of a blue gum negro, whose bite they regarded as even more deadly than that of a copper- head snake. The peculiarity of this biter was that his gums were blue and that he found the greatest satisfaction in biting many with whom he came in contact. On the 4th of January he bit another negro on the arm, and on the 25th, three weeks af- terward, the bitten man died. The super- stition among the blacks is that a bite of a blue gum man is exactly like that of a rabid dog, and causes death by rabtes or hydrophobia. The physiclans who made the post-mortem reported, however, that death was caused by blood poisoning, and that there was nothing like the symptoms of hydrophobia in the case. Notwithstand- ing this, there were pariles of negroes out hunting for tbe blue gum man, like the parties who occasionaliy go out hunting for a mad dog, and they we letermined to kill him if they caught him. ee * % * “Six years ago I met with an accident on a railread which resulted in my having to lose my leg,” said a department clerk, “and ce that time my life has been to a very great extent a double cne. Ina year I had lcarned to get about almost as good as ever, with the aid of an artificial leg—with- out it of course I cannot do anything, for I never made muck progress with crutches. I now have to calculate for myself and for my artificial leg. When I had two legs I only calculated for myself, but now 1 am to ail intents and purposes two beings. The moment I get to thinking about myseif there comes into my mind the thoughts of the other part, my wooden part. Strange enough, in all my dreams the artificial leg has never come in, and I walic about as I did before I lost, my leg. But the moment I am awake the thought comes, where is my artificial leg, and where I left it when I went to sleep. When I am I begin to think if the art tand the hurry. For myself I feel sure I an do the extra rush needed. but I am never sure of the other part, the artificial leg. If I could get it i mind that the artificial leg could be ed upon I feel that I would be as reliable for all kinds ot work as I ever was, but, as it is, I have m vie th : nd its than I have of myself properly. en makes me laugh outright when I b: al leg will I know. I have no i pains there as acu when it was a valu, ation. ft leg, and yet I ely at times as I did fe part of my orga When I had my left leg I suffercd rably from rheumatism in ft, espe- Hy in damp, cold weather. In that kind of weather i have as miuch and as many rheumatic pains in it as I ever did, though I haven't got the leg. x ee is the mi for brides and One of the last coupie’ who spent the first days of their honeymoon in the capital ciiy left yesterday. “The bride was very large, and the groom was correspond- sly small. At the first meal the groom confided in the elevator boy, and told him that his wife was of a very shrinking dis- 1, SO he wouid please have the clerk room. This was done. The groom appreached the clerk during the afternoon and told him that his wife was ef a shrinking nature and did not like to Zo out the public way and asked him if there was not a private exit through which Washir gto grooms. they could go to take a carriage drive around the city. The bell was rung cuite frequently during their stay, and the bride with the shrinking nature became a sub- ject of great curicsity to the help. When they left, the porter caught sight of her and stood in open-mouthed astonishment. The clerk angrily asked him what he meant by staring at a guest. “Couldn’ holp it, no how, boss. I jess hed ter look at t shrinkin’ pusson. I'd jess like ter know how long she’s be’, Shrinkin’, an’ what she ‘peared like befo’ she shrunk.” * ‘A man from the mountains of East Ten- nessee was in Washington yesterday, and visited the Capitol. He met Congressman- elect Brownlow of the first district, who knows every man in Tennessee, and calls them all by their given names. “Well, John,” asked the statesman, what do you think of Washingto: “Waal, Walt,” repiled the Ternesseean, ‘tween yo’ an’ me, I'm sorter disap- ted. I've bin layin’ out ter cum ter hington fer thirty-odd y’ar. I've heard ¥ | thet all th’ big men o’ th’ United States was hyar. I done sarched high an’ low all day fer em, an’ I didn’t see none. The fel- ler on th’ bench, th’ jedge, I reckon, he be, in one o' them two co’t rooms up thar is middlin’ hefty, but ole Abe Thompson thet runs the saloon in Bristol 'd make two o° him, ‘ith enough trimmin’s lef’ over ter make two or three boys. Th big men kyar, but I kain’t fin’ ae € & * One of the guides at the Capitol had an amusing experience: A’ coantryman was shown the wonders of the whispering gal- lery and the stone which deadens all sound. . After the usual experimeats were com- pleted, he astonished the guide by saying: “Mister, kin a bedy get a stone like that tha: hyar in Washington? Yo’ see, my wife gits cantankerous at times, an’ she kin talk pow’ful hard when ‘she gits started. If I could git oné o’ them things ter stan’ on out in our kitchen, I'd be willin’ ter pay well fer it.’ =: in a hurry |, ONE OF THE MBAN ONES. A Man Who Might Have Been Mean Enough to Have Stolem His Inherit- ance. Four or five preachers, at a preachers’ meeting last week, or, rather, after the meeting was over, were discussing some of the péculfar people they had been brought Into contact with during their various pas- torates. ‘The very meanest man I ever knew, said a pastor, whose nasal twang betrayed his Yankee origin, “was a married man, though, as a rule, the reaily meanest men are bachelors, for obvious reasons. This party was fairly well-to-do, and expected to be enriched by the death of an old uncle to tho extent of at least one hundred thou- sand dollars. He was a man of about forty-five, and was, on the surface, an ex- tremely pious kind of a man, with strict ideas of biblical interpretations. At this time the rich old uncle, a millionaire, by the way, was approaching ‘the scriptural limit of human existence—three score and ten—and his plous nephew had begun to figure cn what he was going to do with his share of the old gentleman's fortune. The latter, however, did not hold to scriptural interpretations, but held on until he was ninety-one years old. Then he departed, and as per expectation when the estate was ttled up the plous nephew re- ceived a hundred thousand dollars, more or less. He ought to have been satisfied, of course, but he wasn't, and af- ter mouthing around about his hard luck, he finally capped the climax by suing the trustees of the residue of the estate, which had been willed to charity, for the interest on one hundred thousand dollars at six per cent for the time that elapsed between the three score and ten limit and the date of the death of his uncle, a period of twenty- one years and three months, the whole amount of interest being $127,500. He even went so far as to swear that six per cent was too low, and that he could have got eight right along for the whole time if the old man had died when the Bible said he ought to die. Being in the family, how- ever, he was willing to discount the rate of interest twenty-five per cent. Now, did you ever hear of anything worse than that?” And not a man there did. LIKE RED PEPPER. Slang Should Be Used Very Lightly and With Discretion. From Harper’s Bazar. There is a fashion in slang, as in every- thing else, and that used by the youth of today is not the same as that employed by their parents when they were young. But, although slang may change, it never goes out of fashion. And I think I may safely state that among young people it was never more deplorably popular than it is now. It is argued that there is no harm in it; and when used only occasionally, among a se- lect few who know one another well, this may be true. But the harmful thing about it all is that the habit of slangy speech is easily contracted, and that it viliates the speech all unconsciously to the speaker. I have in mind a young girl, bright and well educated, who told me that in a circle of intimate friends she used slang so con- stantly that when she was with people to whom she wished to talk wcll and fluently she was obliged all the while to be on her guard lest some slangy idiom escaped her. She was at a dinner, and for the first half hour she managed to avoid all rocks and reefs of slang. Then she grew more confi- dent as she became interested in the con- versation of the man next her—a briliant litterateur. He was telling her of a young girl, rich already, to whom had been left a legacy which she was to spend upon just what she most desired for herself. Here he named the sum to be used for that pur- pose. Our would-be careful heroine forgot her caution in her amazement. “Imagine having all that cash just to blow in he exclaimed. And then she remembered, and remem- bering, flushed scarlet, and was overcome with confusion. She told me of it with tears of mortifica- tion in her eyes. “Just when I wanted’ to appear at my best!" she lamented. “Sut I have learned my lesson, and shail stop using slang, if 1 have to be dumb to do it. Never, even in the heart of my own home, will I allow myself to use the hateful thing!” it Is a pity that more girls have not earned ie lesson. -A little slang used judiciously may be expressive. It is never eiegant, and should only be utilized in speech as red pepper is employed in very lightly, and with great dis- —-—----- 20. The Speedy Razorback. Florida Times-Union. A wild boar hunt was the exciting sport a number of the young men of South Jack- sonville had looked forward to last week with a great deal of pleasure. The wild boar was a razorback hog. He was in- stalled in a pen and fed with red pepper, gunpowder and dynamite, and became as fierce as his reputed wousin of the Black Forest. { On the day of the hiint a cavalcade as- sembled at the meeting place armed with javelins and spears made of bamboo with hunting knives tied to the end. The wild bo r was liberated and trotted away into the woods. He squealed a half- contented, inquisitive, where's-the-rest-of my-family sort of a squeal, with no thought of the pursuers who spurred and whipped their horses into furious pursuit. The wild boar trotted along—just simply and coolly trotted. He didn’t look as if he were going, but the gait soon distanced his pursuers, and they were thus robbed of the pleasure of “jabbing” him full of holes. ——— A Chinese McPherson. From the London and China Telegraph. In Newe Zealand the Chinaman abounds, and he has to resort to strategy to make good his position. In Otago, where Scetchmen are in the majority, a contract for mending a road was to be let, and the most acceptable bid was signed “McPher- son.” Notice was sent to the said Mc- Pherson to complete the contract, and lo! he appeared in all the glory of yellow hue and pigtail! “But,” gasped the prest- dent of the board, “your name can’t be McPherson “All lightee, cheerfully answered John Chinaman, “nobody catchee contiact in Otago unless he named Mac.” ‘The contract was signed, and the Mon- golian McPherson did his work as well as if he had hailed from Glasgow. ee Query of the Times. From the Chi:ago Post. The lover was enthusiastic. “She has poetry in her eyes,” he ex- claimed. 'Yes?” returned the cynic tantalizingly. “She has roses in her cheeks,” persisted the lover. “Yes?” returned the cynic again. “She has music in her voice,” asserted the lover defiantly. queried the “And what in the bank?’ cynic. ——- ~s@0 -- Just as Good ns Dead. From the Pittsburg Dispatch. An Atchison, Kan., man who was report- ed dead, came down town and told the Globe that he was very much alive. The Globe made the correction, but added that he was just as good as dead, as he had two carcers. ——__-- +e+___ Domestic Use of Science, From the Chicago Record. “It is certainly wonderful how much science can do for us.” “Yes; Mrs. Frontrow has learned to hyp- notize her baby, and ehe didn’t miss a club meeting the whole week.” “Hear what they are going to put on the. old planter’s tombetone?” “No. What?” “He wouldn't raise anything but corn on his plantation, so the epitaph is to be ‘Corn, but not for cotton.’ ” OUT OF THE ORDINARY, ihe 2 x The older man was the father of the wo- man in the case; the younger was the man who wanted td merry her. j The younger was the average. young man secking a '¢<no better, no worse. Why the father.did not want him as his Son-In-law must be answered by other fathers who so | ea as this one did. Per- haps there is nswer. So when the younger man came, the older was prepared to meet him as one who was by no mefiys first in his estimation. The younger man was aware of the older’s feeling, but quie,disregarded it. Perhaps It is = only successful method of treatment under the circumstances. That the young man was conceited goes without saying) bit he was not an isolated example, as any one may know who knows young men. “Well?” greeted the father, when the suitor appeared in-his presence. “I fancy you know, sir, why I am here,” responded the caller. “As you may be aware, it is to ask your consent to the, marriage of your daughter to me.” “Well?” said the father, with an inflec- tion which did not bode well. “I understand that you do not look fa- vorably upon me as the husband of your daughter, and I want to assure you that AGS not here on my own behalf, but upon ers.”” Sir?” exclaimed the father, half rising. “On hers, sir. I said,” the amazing young man went on. “She loves me, and to lose me would break her heart. I love her, but not as she loves me. You know one must love more strongly. than the other, and it is her misfortune to be the stronger in this instance. Neither of us is to blame. if I had ioved her as she loves me, my love Would have made me afraid to risk my hopes by asking your consent. As it is, I come to you in confidence, believing that you love your daughter so much better- than you do me that you will sacrifice your own feelings and wishes in the matter.” By this time the father was indignant and violent. “You are the most conceited ass I ever heard talk,” he said, “and if you are not out of here in two minutes you will be Kicked out.” “All of which may be as you say,” re- plied the suitor; “but I am telling you the Plain truth. If you will kindiy refer the ™matter to your daughter, you will greatly oblige her.” As the father rose from his chair the young man walked out. The next day he called on the young man. s “I have not changed my opinion concern- ing you since yesterday,” he said, rather pleasantly tian otherwise, “and I am sorry for the girl, but I withdraw my opposition. I suppose sh2's that way because she’s a womar “I wouldn't be surprised,” replied the sone man. “Good morning. Much obliged.”” And so they were married, and lived hap- pily, too, to the end of their days—he never regretting, for she was rich and beautiful, and she always happy, for the man she joved best in all the world was her hus- band. W. J. LAMPTON. pe THE LANGUAGE OF THE DAY. The Use of It Caused the Broker to Shut Down on the Use of Slang. From the Detroit Freé ‘Press. There is a man in the Hammond block who hates slaxg with an abiding hatred. He is a» authority in the business world, and is frequently ‘called upon for advice. The other day a Utoker entered hurriedly. “I have a chance to go in with Blims on what looks like/‘a'-good deal,’ said the caller. “Is Blims % square man?” “No, sir; Mr. Blims is round as a marble and short and fat.” “You misunderstand me. Is Blims on the level?” ups and downs, just like the You don't catch on. Is there thing crooked about Blims? “He's straight as a ramred. Used to be my, you know. -Y, can’t you get next? Does this man s play fair, or is he always looking for best of i 3 Get next to what? Play the best cf what? You taik “Great Scott! hat? And get riddles,” Suppose. I, should tie up with Blin and we were getting the hot end of {t, would he duck, or take his gruel ke a many That's what.J'm tying to find out." Well, sir, you had ketter consult a clair- voyant. I can’t attempt to deal with such a mixed-up proposition. . If there's any- thing I can do for you, just please present your case in plain Urited States.’ “fs Blims honest?’ “Perfectiy so. He was with me for ten years and I found that he wouldn't even take so m: as a joke." Then the broker hastened back to his of- fice and isued is verbal order: ‘There's to be no more slang here, see? This is a new racket and it goes. The first one that gets gay and makes a break gets the g. b. —+o+—____ A Change of Venus, From the Troy Times. He was about as black as the traditional ace of spades, and two dusky damsels, each of whom claimed the right to. call him hus- band, sat bolt upright in the court room and glared at the defendant. “Yo'r honor,” said the prisoner, “I want to apply fer a change of venus in this “On what ground?” inquired the court. “I want @ change of venus,” repeated the defendant, “‘because one of dese women is prejudiced ag'in m: ————_— cee. His “ism.” From the Pittsburg Chronicle Telegraph. “Mrs. O'Rooney,” said the Rev. Father McMurphy, “why do I never see Patrick at church now?” Mrs: ©'Rooney shook her head sadly. “Is it anarchism?’ arse than thot, yer riverence.” s is atheism?” Varse, yer riverence.” ‘What is it, then?” “Rheumatism.” —-—_+9+ Misleading. From Life. Snooper—“This gloomy show which does not draw was advertised under two misap- prehensior: Swayback—“What were they?” “It was booked as an ‘attracti then advertised as a ‘comic opera.’ ” Price of a Postage Stamp. From the Chicago Record. “An American friend tells us,” says a foreign paper, “that he saw the following written up on a post office away back in the staies: ‘The price of a 2-cent stamp is 2 cents; licked and stuck, 3 cents. Any further information can be obtained from the postmaster.’ ” and THE LOCOMOTIVE ENGINEER. He Tells a Story of Love and Adven- ~ tare Which Sounds Like a Book, A locomotive engineer should be one of the most trutlful of men. That's why this Uttle story of a nouthern engineer should be belfeved implicitly. “You may talk as you please about red- heeded women,” he was sayirg to a group of listeners, among whom was a Star re- perter, “but a red-headed woman saved my life and established a home for herself all at once. I was- twenty-five then and iw running a freight on the C. and O. in th® West Virginia mountains, where it took telent to run an engine. My division enied at Hinton, and there was a red-headed gir! lived about six miles to the east, where there was a siding near a big cut and iil, ard it was 1 bad place, as the road was new. “The girl's name was Maggie Conroy, and she had. the reddest head I ever saw on a human being’s shoulders outside of a torchlight procession. But I didn’t care for that, and I did care for Maggie. One sun- shiny day I was coming down track with a stock train loaded with some extra fine cattle and sheep, and I had in the caboose three of the owners. It had been raining ard washouts were looked for, but I hadn't seen uny and was bowling along at a good speed when all of a sudden at the curve I thought I saw a red light rising just over the track. It seemed to shine like a blaze in the track, and before I took time for a thought I had shut off the steam, whistled vewn the brakes and was doing my best to stop.” ‘“Right then my fireman gave me the haw haw in a way to chill the blocd in the veins of a man who can’t stand teasing, and I took a look forward and found that the red light I thought I saw was only Maggie’s head of red hair sticking up in advarce as she pulled herself up the steep emba:kment to get onto the track. With an oath I opened everything again, but as I did so Maggie threw up her hands and dropped in a dead faint by the track, and I stopped off everything again, for I felt sure that something was wrong. I had half an hour or so leeway between trains, and I shook Maggie up as quickly as I could to find ovt what was the matter. She came around mighty soon, because she had oniy fainted from overexertion, and she told me how a big boulder had fallen on the track in a curve near her house that I wouldn't have seen till it was too late to stop for, and she had run across the spur of the mountain to stop me in time if she could. “That's what she was trying to do when her red head shone like a danger signal and stopped me. Later the owners of the stock gave her money enough to buy a nice litte heuse at Hinton and six months later I moved in. We've got the house yet, but e Gon’t live in it,” concluded the enginee: “for it wasn’t big enough for a family six children, and not a red-headed one in the jot.” & ge DER HER THUMB. But He Enjoyed It and Gave Her a Pleasant Surprise in Theater Hats. From the Chicago Dispatch. He had not been married over a year, and his friends asserted, with some truth, that he was still under his wife’s thumb. While admitting the soft impeachment he was accustomed to plead in extenuation that it was a very nice little thumb to be under. When he had cracked this joke for the fiftieth time people began to say he was uxorious. Several accused him of genius and some of possessing originality. It was 7:30 o'clock. They had just fin- isked dinner, and he extended his legs across the hearth rug with a feeling of luxurious ease. The cheerful blaze behind him imparted a friendly glow to his whole being. He drew forth from his vest pocket, as had long been his habit, a smail pili bex, which he held meditatively between his ‘thumb and finger. “Edwin,” exclaimed the wife reproach- fully, “do you remember what you prom- ised me “I—ah—I don't,” he stammered. “That you wouldn't dope yourself with any more of that wretched allopathic med- icine.”” This {s not allopathic dear,” he retorted; “it and it is intended for you.” “For me?” “Yes, for you. In view of the present state of public opinion I have determined that you shall take your millinery in home- 0} ic doses.” Look,” he added, as she sank on her knees in astonishment. And a cry of admiration escaped her as he pulled from the pill box the latest style tn Plotke invisible theater hats which had only cost him $25, a Mrs. Hojack’s Resolve. From Life. “Charley, dear,” said Mrs. Hojack to her husband, if I were to die would you marry again?” “What a question,” replied Mr. Hojack, evasively. “I think you might tell me. But then, I just know you would.” “Well, dear, the children would miss their mother’s tender care, and it might be a necessity for their sakes, however much I might dislike the idea of a second marriage on my own account.” “But, Charley!” “Well?” “Suppose that the children were all mar- ried and settled In homes of their own.” “In that case, love, think how lonely I medicine, my is homeopathic, should be. I might almost be compelled, to take an- by force of circumstances, other wife.” A Defeated Plan. From the Detroit Free Press. “What's the matter, chum?” asked the ccllege student of his roommate, who was making the air a dark blue. “Matter? I wrote the governor to send me some money for text books, and here he’s sent me the books. I can never pay my bills at this rate. +o+—___ Dr. Fahrney’s Big Book. From the Boston Journal. Of “biggest books in the world” there is no end, but it is believed that the blank book of greatest weight, size and bulk be- longs to an eccentric physiclan of Balti- more, one Dr. Fahrney. It was made in Chicago, in 18M. It weighs exactiy 259 pourds and 7 ounces, and has leaves made of the very best rope manilla. The cover of this giant 2% book weighs 50 pounds, and is provided with two complicated pad- locks. The book cost the doctor $65. From the Chicago Tribune. “My friend,” said the traveler with the skull cap, putting his head out of the car window as the train stopped at a desolate- Icoking village. “what is the name of this dried-up, God-forsaken place?” ‘That's near enough,” responded the dejected cit- izen who was leaning against the red shanty. “Let it go at that.” ————_+e+___. ‘ause of the Deficiency. From the Indianapolis Journal. “I think the picture lacks atmosphere,” said the kindly critic. “Fact is," said the artist. “I had a hard time raisfhg the wind while I was painting. +o Appropriate. From he Chicago Tribune. “What sign do you think I ought to put up in front of my place of business?” ask- ed the man who had opened a morgue. ‘Remains to be seen,’ suggested the friend who had dropped in. ‘ see. An Accomplished Mother. From the Cleveland Record. “It is certainly wonderful how much science can do for us.” “Yes; Mrs. Frontrow has learned to notize her baby, and she didn’t miss a club meeting the whole week. ——__ + e+ ___ Better Learn, From the Detroit Free Press. “Going skatin’ ‘fore long?’ asked little Jimmie of his sister's beau, who was watt- BY PHILANDE! JOHNSON» Written Exclusively for The Evening Star. A Classic Reminder. ‘The young man who is genuinely afraid that people will not enjoy themselves if he does not exert himself conversationally was doing his best to entertain Miss Cayenne. She looked fatigued, but his mind was on his mission, and he did not observe the expression of her face. “I don't know when I have seen su h elaborate arrangements for a social occa- | sion,” he remarked, by way of an opening, “as were made for that fancy ball.” “Yes,” she repiied, in a perfunctory tone; “it was very magnificent.” “By the way, speaking of that reminds me of base ball. They will soon have to get the lawn mower ready. Perhaps you don’t perceive exactly what conneccion there is between a lawn mower and base ball. Of course not. Ha-ha:; that’s the joke. They need the lawn mower because an uncut diamond is of very little value.” She turned an appealing look upon him, but he did not desist. He really meant to be kind. “The mention of diamonds,” he blandly proceeded, “reminds me of a rather large solitaire which a friend of mind persists in wearing on his shirt front. Somebody asked him one day how he fastened it there, and I said—ha-ha—I said that it didn’t have to be fastened; that, being Paste, it naturally stuck ther He did not observe with what stutlied slishtness she concealed a yawn. “That allusion to a friend,” he resumed, | “recalls to me an acquaintance of mine who is always fishing for compliments. He came to me for an indorsement of one of his notes, and—ha-ha—I would willingly have done co if he had not insisted on singing it. And, speaking of singing— “Really,” interrupted Miss Cayenne, “peo- ple will regard you as being quite funny, if you go on at that rate.” “Oh, 1 don’t mind that in the least. I have the highest admiration for humor. It was a quality in which Shakespeare excel- fed, you know.” “It 18 quite a coincidence,” she mur- mured. “What you have been saying re- minded me of a quotation from that au- or.”” “You are immensely flattering! What is fread ‘One woe doth tread upon another's heels, so fast they follow.’ ” * x * There Were Others, “Josiar,” remarked Mrs. Corntossel, as her husband sat down to supper, “I’ve been kind 0” gittin’ worried "bout our domestic life. I've allus believed thet a woman orter keep up weth her husband in knowin’ whut’s goin’ on; but sense ye went ter town, I'm gittin’ kind o° ’fraid thet ye've got a leetle the start of me. So I've been a-practicin’ up; an’ ef I make a few mis- takes, I hope ez how yell be patient an’ sorter boost me along gentle, so’s I won't d'scouraged.” m blest ef I know 3, Whut ye're drivin’ }at,” was the reply. “Ef it's style, of course it wus ter be expected thet I'd pick up a thing or two whiles I was in town weth the boys. Ye can’t expect ter keep right up ter date on- less ye go ter town oncet in a while.” “SU! it seems kinder ei I recolleck thet when I told ye this afternoon thet some women wouldn't put up weth yer dila- toriness "bout the chores, ye turned around lemn-like an’ said I was not the on the beach. That's a purty good one, ain't It, Everybody ter town is a sayin’ that now.” “An’ then, says you, ‘Mrs. C., you ain't the only date in the alm: You kin git canceled. “Yes. I heard a feller standin’ in front of a theayter say that. too.” It's a fine one, “But I don’t see ez it constitutes any ex- | cuse fur not gittin’ in the fire wood. I know ye clean furgot it; an’ I concluded that I don’t express myself in sech a w ez ter ketch yer attention an’ impress yer memory. I'm goin’ ter try a new plan. I fust wanter call yer attention to ther fact thet the wood box is empty, an’ nex’ ter the fack that you do more settin’ around an’ gittin’ warm, an ‘less carryin’ in wood than any other man in the town- ship. Incidentally I desire ter remind ye thet you ain’t the only checker on the board. You kin git jumped.” Whut’s that?” “Keep quiet, Jesiar. You ain't the only brick in the pavement; you kin git walked on. Likewise, you ain't the oniy gold brick in the metrop’lis; you kin git sold.” “Looky here—" “Held up, Josiar. I ain't a-goin’ ter waste all the studyin’ up thet I've did. You ain't the only trump in the game; you kin git turned down.” He stared at her in silence. “I aimost wish ye weren't sech a pence- able mar, Josiar. In that case they’d be some reason in my tellin’ ye that you ain't the only ticket in the railroad office; you kin git punched. Neither are you the only doubtful county in the ‘lection; you kin git throwed out.” She opened the door that closed after him as he made a precipitate exit, and, calling out into the back yard, said: “I wish ye’l remeber, too, thet the first stick ye happen ter put yer hands on ain’t the only tune in the church organ; it kin lay out.” viput the noise of the ax wholly obscured the remark. * * * A Determined Pursuit. It was very early in the morning when the policeman saw a man lurking about the dcorway of a residence. Hé would go out and peer up the street, then he would march up and down the front walk for a few minutes like a sentry. Whenever a wagon rattled along an adjacent street he dodged into the vestibule. The promptness with which he reappeared showed that he had not gone into the house to get warm. ‘The policeman’s curiosity was aroused and he went over and accosted him. “What are you loitering around this place fer?” he inquired. “I pay rent for this place,” was the rath- er ungracious reply; “I've read the lease over and there isn’t anything in it that says I can’t loiter when I feel like it.” “But what are you carrying that gun for? Don’t you know that I could arrest ‘you for carrying concealed weapons? You might as well make a clean breast of it.” “Well, it isn’t anything to be ashamed of. ‘This gun isn’t loaded. I just wanted to seare him with it.” “Whom?” “The ice man.” “Why, you're not taking ice in February, e you?” “I've tried not to take it. I ordered it left here last May. About the middle of November it occurred to my wife that .we might just as well have it undertook to tell the ice man that we didn’t want any more. But he would ring the dcor bell an@ run, The servant irl tried it. She yelled with all her might. But ro, one would have thought he heard her if he hadn't He sends his MBqrhy don't you retuse to pay the bills?” “Then he'd sue me ard make ts.” 3 ewhy don’t you hunt | And you in rhzmi lived in the grasp of tyraany long enough, ! and now I’m on the oppr or’s trail. Or- dinariiy I'm as forgiving ss a one-eyed Kkit- | ten, but I've worked myself up i the | humor for this undertakin, and now, com- | pared to me, an Eskimo waiting over for | seal to come out of his hole is a cyclone of | impetuosity. I'm not ge ly with | the situation any longer. ten leave jof absence from the offic: for today and | I'm going to catch him in the act of jeav- ing that ice and have it out with him, man to man, if it takes the entire twenty- four hours of it. How very frequent patriots finds Theirselves somewhat perplexed By need o° makin" up their minds Whut bus’ness they'll try next. And it’s surprisin’ whut a lot Who riz to hights sublime (Which means the offices they got) Is puttin’ in their time Jes’ lecturin’. Human destiny’s the same Any way ye look. An artist finds it was the frame An’ not his work thet took. ‘The artisan concludes he'll be A walkin’ delegate: Ain’ so they go it, loud an’ free, ‘The small ‘uns weth the great, Jes’ lecturin’. An’ there's a case much nearer home I recolleck the day When "Mandy s'posed thet life would roam Bternaity through May. 1 was her bright ideal whe Our hearts we both confessed. Her disapp’intment came. Sence ther She's been like all the rest, . Jes’ lecturin’. * * * The Colonel's Aversion. | tf tneun’s anything that I dislike,” re- marked Colonel Stilwell, “it’s supereroga- tion, Taeuh ahe too many people in this world who insist on telling you in the most solemn mannuh, things which any puhson might of awdinary intelligence would readi- ly take foh granted. I was recently at a city on the coast where I met a young friend of mine. He was very courteous. One of the first things he did was to ask me if I would not like to go down the beach a short distance and get acquainted with their life-saving arrangements.” “You went, of co’se,” suggested Major Mott. “No. I told him that the journey was quite unnecessary, as I had a flask in my me, and if st should have sought society with. “The conyuhsation went rather slowly howevuh, he made an effort ani on a disco’se about the ocean. He dwelt upon the majestic waves that rolling in to the sho’ and said that it him with awe to gaze across that str of water into the infinity of space.” “That was a remarkably impr thought.” “To be sure. That obsuhvation had some reason in it. But his next remahk roused my indignation. With the air of a man who propuses to astonish you with hi cleverness, he proceeded to say that it was fine to look at, but that it was mighty poor comfort when it came to a pinch, as it wasn’t fit to drink. What do you think, suh, of a full-grown man’s wasting words to construct a sentence like that? “But,” expostulated the major, “he meant that it was salty.” The colonel glared at him. “Puh-haps he meant that that ocean was salty and puh-haps he did not; but will you be Kind enough to tell me, suh, what the that has to do with the question, ive * * * A Climatic Theory. “Come hyuh!” exciaimed Pickaninny Jim's mother. mme whut yoh done leara in school terday.” “I done learn er lot er tings,” was the reply. pid y mm anyt'ing “bout dishere provement dat dey calls coil one ain't said er word ter Well, yoh tell me when jey does. De fus’ time anybody stahts in ter teach yer collecktricity, yoh come straight home, even ef yoh has ter break de rules. Dat day yoh quits school an’ goes ter wuck in er ck yahd.” “What is yer got agin it, mammy?” “It gibs folks too much chance ter show dah meanness; dat’s whut I got agin it. Dahs meanness ‘ruff in nature wifout callin’ in d: he’p o’ science ter bring it clah’s, mammy, I don’t know whut you's talk *bout.” 4 “I's talkin’ "bout groun’-hog day; dat's whut I's talkin’ "bout." , “Den whut makes yer keep mentionin’ sometin’ else?” “I's ta'kin’ "bout ‘em bof tergevver. Did de sun shine enough on de second o’ Feb- ‘uary ter gib dat voodchuck a chance ter “An’ ain't it gone ahaid, jes’ de same, an” snowed an’ blowed an’ friz an’ slushed, jes’ like de groun’-hog hadn’ had nuffin’ ter do all dat day, ceppin’ wink at de sun?” “Hit sutn’y hab been scan’lous.” “How does yer ‘splain it?” she inquired, growing oratorical. “Temme dat; how does yer ‘splain it?” ‘I dunno. “I does. I didn’ ax nobody; I stood dah - at de’ wash-tub a-weshin’ an’ a worryin’ teil at last my mind told me. My mind says ter me dat dese white folks is gittin’ mighty smaht "bout de wedder. "Tain’ so long ago dat dey wus shootin’ at de clouds tryin’ ter skyah de rain down. Whut some- body done wus ter stan’ long side er dat hole waitin’ foh de grovn’-hog ter come out. He had one er dese collecktric lights wif ‘im, an’ ez soon ez de animal begin ter look aroun’ fer ‘is shadder, dis man flash de light. Dat's some peo habbir’ er good time. An’ now, ev’y time it blows up er storm, he jes’ Jays back an” laugh an’ holler ter hisse’f "bout whut er good joke, donenplayed on de res’ er de sopulatiod Y \ ( The }<h: Valentine, of Stella rise Her lips, her! Jus: as the m And iF breaks the gloom, The band ; near. The muse departs. The crash js her cherished erts— “Brerrodal ‘Zing Boom! ys holds its place; hate‘er the’tune, {tis always found, Une as a star In space, t earthquake in the realms cf sound. And\Fancy, to Sis Sheen sped, the crawd for room. di The prelude