Evening Star Newspaper, December 14, 1895, Page 19

THE EVENING STAR, SATURDAY, DECEMBER 14, 1895-TWENTY-FOUR PAGES. 19 THINGS HEARO AND SEEN I called upon an old lady the other day. Everything about the house was scrup- vlously clean, but betokened poverty of the bitter grinding kind. My hostess was beginning to be a little childish through excess of years and trouble, and excusing herself retired, for a few mirutes, return- ing clad In an old black silk dress, made in the style of fifty years ago. It had been a wonderful dress when first made,and have cost what in those days was a im of money, and there was some- thing abcut my hostess as she sat in the finery of her girlhood, In the bare, unfur- rished room, with no carpet on the floor and nothing around but a few straight- back wooden chairs, that was more pitiful than anything she could have said. There is something touching to me at best about the adows which rest over the end of Ife's pathway, but when the faltering steps lead through desolate ways, while youthful Vanity occuples the mind, it {s almost a tragedy to live. x KKK * I was talking to a hotel clerk, and he faid: “Talk about kleptomaniacs at dry gcods stores, they are scarcely a circum- Stance to those at a tIrst-class hotel. Peo- ple who cheerfully pay $5 a day for board will steal a 10-cent cake of soap and put themselves to a great deal of trouble to do it. But the principal things guests take are toweis, and the collection of those articles has become a regular fad. They are taken as souvenirs of the hotel, and a lady who has traveled a great deal will have a whole trunk full with the names of the hotels on them. This {s conclusive preof that they have stopped at those houses. and a person whose towela bear the marks of hotels throughout the civilized world is to be en- vied as possessing a most interesting col- lection of memertos. A few napkins are taken, and occasionally spoons. Door keys and checks teed to disappear in great num- bers, but none of these equal towels in the eyes of collectors of hotel souvenirs.” xe kK KK “There is a singular idea that prevaile @mong many people that if @ little is a good thing, more is better,” gaid a physi- cian to a Star representative, “and an in- calculable amount of harm is done. There @re cases where a little quinine does good, and the patient instead of going to a phy- sician ard finding cut how much they want buys a quantity at a drug store and takes so much that it Is a positive detriment. When persons_have been sick ard obtained @ prescription they imagine they know just what to do the next time they are ailing, and increase the dose, often with mest dis- a@strous results. The careless use of medi- cine by those not familar with its conse- Quences causes more trouble than almost ny other source of ailment to which the human body fs subject.” ae KR I heard of a case in Southwest Washing- ton that interested me greatly. An old lady is saving every nickel in order to lay by $100 for admittance to an old lady’s home. For three years she has denied herself all of the luxuries, and many of what are wsualiy termed the necessartes of life, and mow she has very nearly enough to insure her being cared for the rest of her life. ‘Twenty years ago her husband was a prom iment merchant in Chicago, and when he died left what was, in those days, a large fortune, to his widow. She had a son, her only chiid, and the boy, in a drunken quar- rel, killed a man. Many thousands of dol- lars wore spent to save his life, and after several trials he was sentenced to spend his remaining days in the penitentiary ‘Then the balance of the fortune was ex- Pended in years of unsuccessful work to obtain a pardon, and with an income barely sufficient to suppcrt her, the heart-broken Mother cam? to Washington, hoping that the influence of prominent men might be obtained to help her in the fight for her gon’s liberty. And now the former society belle and honored member of the most ex clusive set in Chicago has given up hope that her son will ever be released, and the sole ambition of the wrecked life is that its days may be ended In an institution provided by charity for the unfortunate ores whcse sunset hours are obscured by clouds. xe KOR OF The demure young women who affect the turned-back, lace-trimmed cuffs and collars, thinking meanwhile of the good example they are setting their more frivo- lous sisters who affect the fads of popular actresses by wearing Della Fox curls, Lil- ian Russell hats, Bernhardt girdles and sim fancies, are probably not aware that their particular craze had a dancer for its originator. Such Is the case, how- ever, for Fannie Elisler, the original of the beautiful painting “La Sylphide” in the Corcoran Art Gallery, first introduced these dainty appendages to feminine at- tire. The “Ellsler cuffs,” as they were called in those days, some forty years ago, were the “proper caper,” and every school girl's wardrobe and bridal trous- @eau contained several choice sets of “Ellsiers.” ee KKK I heard some people talking the other ay of the fact that so few comparatively of the young men and women in the de- partments found their partners for Ife among their co-workers. One of the Speakers explained it in this way: “In the first place, they see too much of each other, and while a certain degree of pro- inquity is ‘conducive to affection, there is a saying that applies to this condition of things in a modified way, which says that famillarity breeds contempt. While contemot is not the proper word to express My meaning, I wish to indicate that con- stant official intercourse reduces men and women's regard for each other to a mere- ly mechanical basis, and the two sexes in time come to look vnon each other as Parts of Uncle Sam's machinery rather than as possible husbands and wives. “Another reason,” he continued, “is that the women know to a penny just what the men’s incomes are, and as in many cases Matrimony would mean for two people to live upon exactly the same amount that barely suppli@s the wants of one, the wo- men are a little saucamish about accept- ing the yoke, to say nothing about the men. In addition the clerks as a class have outside social connections, and hav- ing often the entree into exclusive sets nat- urally hope to marry into a different clr- @le, the cpa, the lookout for rich girls @nd the women hoping for more advan- tageous pcsitions than ‘gas-stove brides.’.” xe OK KOR A combination of romance and reality ‘Was witnessed at a wedding which took Place not long since which shows that the commercial instinct {# still flourishing gmong us. When the wedding party had taken its position in the vestibule of the church in waiting for the appearance of the bride, one of the ushers, who had re- cently gone into business and was rather a wag in his set, produced circulars of his wares, and with the remark that “he was glad to have this most propitious oppor- tunity for introducing to their notice the finest brand on the market," distributed to the laughing group circulars advertis- ing his wares. When the bride alighted from her carriage and entered the church she was greeted by a most astonishing Gollection of merry men and maidens. tk ke One of this winter’s debutantes has set her heart upon having at her coming-out tea a huge bunch of violets, such as Lillian Russell has been photographed with. This Gesire seized a Richmond girl last winter, and In obedience to her behest her best young man ordered for the occasion a bou- Quel of twothousand violets. “But,” remonstrated the florist, on re- celving the order, “such a bouquet will Welgh nearly elght pounds; none that I put ver contain more than a _thou- sand.” “TI was told two thousand was the number,” urged the swain, and so the order went. Sure enough, as the florist had said, the flowers were too heavy for the frat! hands of the debutante, and had to be con- tent with a prominent position in the re- ception room, but bright and early the next morning the happy and envied pos- sessor hied herself to a photographer’s and had herself and her posies immortalized by the sun’s rays. ee eK OK The adorers of Paderewski have often wondered why he seems to receive their homage with such calmness and apparent Indifference, and marvel at the far-off look with which he greets expressions of rap- ture. It Is said by the well informed that before his genius had received the recog- nition it deserves he was blissfully married and the proud father of an infant son, who should have been a musical successor to his famous father. During the struggles of his early manhood the husband and father fought a hand-to-hand fight with bitter poverty, only to be worsted In the contest, and finally to yield his wife and child to death. Now when the plaudits of the multitude are ringing in his ears and he gazes with that far-away expresson over the sea of faces upturned with enthusiasm to honor him, he sees instead a barren garret, with a fireless grate and an empty cupboard, where the two human beings nearest his heart are fighting their last fight for life, and to the accompaniment of Chopin's matchless melodies, played in matchless style by a master hand, there runs always in his mind the legend, “Too late.” eR OR OK OK There is one woman in Washington to whom the District relief committee need not apply for aid this winter, and that is a householder who has been having a siege getting a cook. Her complaints against the domestics of the city are loud and deep. “I have been trying,” she says, “for six weeks to get a competent cook, and after trying all species and varieties of applicants am forced to agree with most housekeepers that there are no serv- ants In Washington. I shall retaliate, how- ever, when the house-to-house canvassers gin their rounds for the poor of the city, for I hold that if a man or woman will not work neither should he eat, and candidly I believe the poor of this District would bestir themselves and become more competent as servants if they did not feel that they had always the sympathy of the charitable when the cold weather comes on. They fool and frolic all summer, know- ing that when the winter is here pub- lic charities will supply their needs, and we may whistle meanwhile for cooks and housemaids. I, for one, have contributed my last cent for their relief,” and she put the frying pan with which she had been gesticulating on the stove with a deter- mined pang. ** RK OK “Nothing square or equitable in this transportation business,” said a slim man, smoking a cigar on the front platform of a cable car Thursday evening, as the car stopped to let off a very fat man. “Now, that man weighs over three hundred pounds, and he pays no more tor his ride than I’ do” “That's a fact,” respondeg the gripman, giving the goug a couple of pulls; “yet he gets along all right under the general rule.” “What general rule?” asked the thin man. “I suppose you know it is a general rule on all railroads to allow 150 pounds of bag- Bage to each passenger,” said the grip- man. “The car really carries only fiv cents’ worth of that man’s weight on t! passenger schedule, and the rest of him is taken along under the general baggage rule. See?” x KOK kK Ok When Dr. Talmage in his Thanksgiving sermon mentioned that he had 850,000 more reasons for being thankful that he was an American than he had last year, and fur- ther stated that those 850,000 reasons were represented by the number of emigrants that had come to these shores in the last twelve months, a little girl, who had evi- dently reached the settlement of Massa- chusetts In her history, whispered in an earnest manner to her father, ‘They must have been the Pilgrims; yes, I’m sure they were the Pilgrim Fathers.” And having set- tled this tmpertant question she again turn- ed her attention to the preacher. bos te & Unwary husbands had better take warn- ing or counsel these Christmas times by the fate that befell one of their number re- cently. Going into a shop to pay a bill, one of the saleswomen called his attention to a handsome feather ‘boa, saying that all the ladies wore them, and that she had a particularly fine lot of them, adding: “Your wife was in here last week, and admired them extremely, and I think she would be delighted if she got one as a Christmas present.” The indulgent Benedict, thinking he was having great luck in getting the very thing for his better half, made the purchase, selecting the finest and most elegant of the whole assortment of boas. As he left the store the wily woman of merchandise turned to a co-seller and said: “Don't you think I managed that affair nicely? When his wife was in, she told me that I should try to work a boa out of her husband, and selected the very one he did as suiting her best." You may be sure, however, that the wife has said nothing to give herself away. * Oe KK I heard of another diplomatic wife the other day, that shows with what beneficial results women might be employed upon foreign affairs committees. She had made a large purchase of Christmas gifts, and, like the dutiful little woman she was, had the bill sent to her husband, so that he might see just how she spent his money. When the@account was presented, the payer of bills for that particular household said, scanning the items, “This seems a pretty large bill, and as my wife is out of town just now, I think I had better wait until she returns, when she can look it over and see if everything is all right.” “The items and charges are perfectly cor- rect,” replied the merchant, “for madame looked it over before she left the city, and left particular instructions that it should be sent to you while she was absent.” With such skillful diplomacy as that in his own establishment, the man could not hope to cope, so he paid without a demurrer the account, and departed with a shake of his head at “that clever little woman of mine.” * * KOK x Senator Hill has a decided penchant for cats and it is said is never so happy as when in his library at Woolfert’s Roost he divides his time between his books and his feline companions. A young woman of this city whose admiration for the senior New York Senator is upenly avowed on all occasions and whcse corresponding fond- ness for tabbies has, it is declared, been cultivated out of deference to Senator Hill’s pet fad, has lately added to her col- lection a new member, which bears the name “David Bennett Hill" ¥t ke % The literary world has dethroned Trilby as its idol and now worships the dwellers “Beside the Bonny Briar Bush” as fervently as last year at this time it prostrated it- self before the Latin Quarter denizens. At all the book stores they tell me that this is the most popular book by far of the holiday season and that {it is almost im- Possible to satisfy the demands for it. ee eK There is a great scheme that is just now being thoroughly worked by the world at large, and that is looking over last year’s Presents and seeing how far they will go to discharge the obligations of the present season of gifts. One man I know who last year received three silver hat brushes, four sofa pillows and Irnumerable key rings and similar trifles, says Santa Claus, simply isn't In it with him when he opens his pack and the best part of it all is that they d.d not cost him a cent, and that pos- sibly on the chain system, as he works It, they may go on forever. Such is a man’s appreciation of the dear girls’ Christmas greetings. xe KK * The shops are very attractive these days, but In addition to the Yule-tide jollity that is so conspicuous, there are many little serio-comedies that merge on tragedies of everyday life. Such a one occurred the other day when two handsomely dressed gay girls passed through the holiday de- partment of one cf the frequented stores on a lark. Pricing this article and that they finally addressed a sweet-looking girl whose back was turned toward them ask- Ing the cost of some trifle. As she turned to reply there was a start on both sides, and one of the would-be purchasers ex- claimed: “Why, Nellie, what in the world are you doing here?” Flishing at the question which the new- ness of her position rendered evidently em- barrassing, the young woman, whose change of circumstances was apparently not known to her former friends, replied with an attemnt at dignified mirth, “I'm playing, don’t you see % * * The hand organs and street pianos of the town have added a fresh tune to their rep- ertoire; that fs, it Is fresh in the ears of the present generation, but a conversation be- ; tween one of the youngsters and his grand- father heard on the promenade the other day indicates that a revival of old tunes is going on. “What is that funny thing that man is Playing over there?” queried young know-all of ten. whatever it is” “That sounds very familiar,” hummed his cempanion, as the notes of the “Gypsy Countess” filled the air. “That's it," he cried, suddenly. “I haven’t heard that song for years, and when I was a young man sparking the giris, all the beaux and belles took at least oue turn at that duet during the evening,” and the pair passed out of hearing, the older man singing, under his breath: “Oh! how can a poor gypsy maiden like me, Ever hope the proud bride of a noble to be?" eee The ups and downs of Ife has no more striking instance than is told of a certain man who formerly was a chief of division in one of the departments, but after losing his position and spending time and money in an effort to be reinstated, now returns to his former haunts with a basketful of ginger cookies for sale, at stated periods. His wife’s culinary skill and the friendly relations that have always existed between himself and his former companions have acquired for him a large patronage, and he finds a quick sale for his goods in the very places where it hurts his pride most to be seen. Another example of this pa- thetic see-saw is evidenced by a former clerk’s canvassing among her quondam fel- low workers a book, on the sale of which the sixteen-hundred-dollar clerk of a few years since has to depend for the necessary pot-boiling. “it is a mighty poor tune, xk x OK * All the girls this year are just dying for “one of those dear little gold belts; they are 80 cute, don’t you know.” I did not know, but I went down town and found out that they were the swagger thing in New, York, and consisted of an inch-wide girdle of gold metallic ribbon with a slide and buckle ‘of French gilt for the aspiring rabble, while the haughty upper ten wore real gold buckles, and didn’t look a bit better. But a gold belt every one who regards appear- ances at all must have, or be considered as wanting in a proper appreciation of fashion’s decrees. x 4s x x While the world ts shopping-mad, there is rothing more diverting than to accompany a female friend on a tour of the milliners to buy a bonnet. (Men always call wo- men’s headgear “bonnets.”) She walks in the store conscious that her Present head covering is going to be eyed askance by the superior young woman who asks her, “Do you want something expen- sive, or a cheap hat?” “Well, I'll look at some evening bonnets first,” replies madame, and forthwith be- gins arranging her bangs. “Any particular color?” questions the milliner. ‘ “I think pink sults me best; don’t you?" to her companion, and he having nodded assent, pink Is tried on. Then follows, in rapid succession, cerise bonnets with white stick-ups called aigrettes, green bonnets sprinkled over with rhinestones, black bon- nets quivering with jet, and then my lady thinks maybe she had better try “one of those big hats over there with plumes.” Then comes a_ procession of Gains- boroughs, Tam O'Shanters, imported con- fections, till the poor man’s brain reels, and he wonders if any selection is possible, and all the time the two women are growing mcre and more confidential, and are dis- cussing whether or not some of the pur- chaser’s old things might not be worked over to advantage, and pokes and punches are given the unoffending hats, and pats and twists administered to the fair one’s locks, till the final words, “I'll be in again and decide,” are heard, and the original toggery is assumed, and her exit is made without having selected any substitute. OX OK KOK I was going through one of the largest stores in Washington, yesterday, when my attention was attracted by a lady in. deep mourning, and a little girl, whose clothes were not Warm enough for the cold day. ‘The mother avoided the higher priced goods and took the child around among the toys that could be bought for a few pennies. Everything about the couple betokened cul- ture and poverty. Finally the little girl saw a doll, and, clasping it in her arms, began to croon over it as though it was alive. There were prettier dolls all around, and more ex- pensive dolls. Dolls dressed in the height of fashion, dolls that could open and shut their eyes, and cry, and even eat. But there was something about the little five-cent creation that aroused the instinct of motherhood in the little girl, and she did not want any but this one. “But it will spoil your Christmas to get It now,” said the mother. “Mamma, some one may buy my dollie, and I know I won't find one I love so much," plead the little one, afid then continued, “Please, mamma, I won't look; you get it now, and I won't see it till Christmas.”” And so the bargain was made, and when the doll is taken from the drawer on Christ- mas morning there will not be a happier child in Washington than the daughter of the poor widow, who this.year, for the first time, finds {t hard to contribute even a nickel to perpetuate the spirit of St. Nicholas. xe kk I saw a funny thing at one of the hotels. A man came into the office, and, seeing a guest whom he knew, greeted him with great enthusiasm. The Washington man dilated largely upon the success he had en- joyed since coming here, and insisted upon his friend going with him to see how he lived. The more the friend declined, the harder he urged, and the more graphic the description of how elegantly the Washing- ton man’s house was furnished. Finally, the friend sai am glad you have done so well, John. Perhaps you can now pay me the $5 you borrowed three years ago.” “Certainly, Tom. I forgot it; but I haven’t'® check book with me. I will mail {t to you.” And the Washington man said good-bye and left. - —— Hee CSetier “What brought you to this sad condition?” “P’raps you won't believe it, num, but it was the fatal gift of beauty."-—Life. SEEN AT THE CAPITOL ieee nie One of the saddest places about the whole Capttol is that littlé corner off of statuary hall where womer* waft the slow motions of their “influence.", The condensed heart- ache and desperatian that are crowded into that narrow space @ay aSter day are enough to soften the mcst hard-hearted. Out there, one day this week, /Sat/a widow. She was old and poor. It was a raw, cold day, but the desolate womapzhag only a thin shawl about her and oneishot was all broken at the side, so that orffy hr stocking kept her foot from the groviid’ ‘She had sent in for “her? Representative, nd when he came out he was coolly cquytepus,but finally seem- ed to warm up a Iftle/-and, at her earnest solicitation, promised ‘Sto see ‘Senator’ somebody about getting her a place. He was so emphetie it. saying that she must rot worry, but leave all to him, that she turned to leave him with her face fairly transfigured with a glow of happiness. When she had disappeared over the last “whispering stone” toward the Senate, that heartless member turred to the page and said, sternly: “See here! Ifsthat old guy comes fooling round here after me again, I am not in my seat! Do you sabe?” The boy “‘sabed” all straight enough, and gave a frightened promise to remember. Pcor little old woman! * * * KOK There is a regular King Humbert of Italy on the floor of the House, and {t will sur- prise him greatly to read this and find him- self quite an attraction among the women in the galleries. The particular attraction is a pair of fierce gray Mustachios, and they belong to Mr. Poole gf New York. Really, the likeness to the royal Italian is quite startling. xe OK OK OK Terry of Arkansas has cultivated a re- markable suit of chrysanthemum hair in the summer's recess between Congresses. If he could coax his locks to unkink them- selves he would rival in this respect Buf- alo Bill. * eK KO Prince Albert coats are quite the fashion since Mr. Reed set the pace on the day he became Speaker, but there are ways and ways of wearing them. The average Con- gressman needs to take some lessons in the art. A closely buttoned Prince Albert is a sight for gods and men to laugh at If it does not fit, and most of them do not. ** * KK One of the remarkable and enjoyable feat- ures of the Fifty-fourth Congress is the ab- sence of smoking upon the floor. Men like Mr. Quigg and Mr. Tarsney, who all but sleep with cigars in their mouths, find It rare self-denial to go without smoking, but they content themselves with a “dry smoke,” twisting and chewing to pieces almost as many cigars as they would other- wise smoke. The only man seen to smoke deliberately on the floor was Mr. Powers of Vermont. He was clear back by the fire- place, and was busy thinking when he light- ed his cigar, and the expression of cherubic content which went over his face when he settled back in his chair to take that tabooed smoke was something to remember. * KOK OK OK The ladies who watch with such interest every day the proceedings of Congress have quite decided that Mr. Crisp has the small- est and whitest hand tn the House. ee KOK K “What brand do you wear, mister? asked a man with high-heeled boots and a sombrero of Representative Miller yester- day, as that gentleman came out of the Heuse. . Mr. Miller ‘looked a little surprised, but replied courtedusly fhat he didn’t know cxactly what his questioner meant. “I want to know which eamp you round up, uy when Phere i B pengrel stampede?” “Do you mean to as! 0) sa Mr Mile, my politics?” asked “Precisely,” ‘said tHe stranger. “I'm off ™my own reservation and I've kinder lost my bearings. I’m on the trail of the man who corralled a permit to come hyar and sass the gov'munt fur my state,and the ‘herd boss out hyar allows that I don't sabe things none too proper and holds me up. Now, if you don’t belorg to the other out- eee look fit to be a pretty good trail “And who would you like to see?” asked Mr.Miller,with a bread’ smile at the interest the man was elictting from loungers in the corridors, “I reckon you all know him like a hi game _ his name being Dennis Flynn. Mr. Flynn soon appeared. * * * * “And who is that?” asked a gallery occu- Pant of his friend, who seemed to know everybody and had been keeping up a run- ning comment on everybody and every- thing In the House while the Bayard reso- lution was being discussed, as Mr. Dingley of Maine addressed the chair. “He's one of the most highly respected met in the House,” said a stranger at his sponded the friend, and went on delivering his opinions audibly. ok Ok Ok Ok “Say, Charley, I want a business exactly like that for a flower stand. It’s just too lovely for anythirg, and it wouldn't tip over.” She Lifer evidently a bride, and she was commenting on th cl er ann i@ malachite mace —.__ FOOLED THE DETECTIVE. Sharp Pla of a Forger to Make His Escape. Detective Leonard Morris of Chicago, when asked by a Star writer if ho had ever allowed a criminal to escape, aid: “I did once, and it was in Washington, too. I was on the track of a forger, and had traced him from 8t. Paul to Chicago, thence to Cincinnati, then to Wheeling, then to Wash- ington. His name was Martin, but he was going under that of Lawrance. I caught’ a glimpse of him at Wheeling, and learned that he had come here, I raced him to the Ebbitt House, but there was no one registered by that name. As I stood at the counter, however, my man caime in. In- stead of avoiding me he walked right up and said: ‘Are you not Detective Morris? It took me off my guard, and I answered, ‘Yes, sir.’ “ ‘Well, my name is Adams. I want your services to get me rid of a most trouble- some double. There is a maa whose real name is Martin, but who goes by that of Lawrence, who I know to be a swindler, ard he is wanted in Chicago. Now. he has worked his nefarious schemes throughout this whole section, and I find It hard to sell goods because I am taken for ‘his fetiow. I ran across him at the McClure House, Wheeling, yesterday, and in order to catch up with him I got him to deliver a message for me to a friend in Pittsburg, where he was going. Then I wired the -riend and he will answer when Lawrence gets there. I want you to go to Pittsbucg and arrest him, and I will give you this circular to show that he is wanted.’ He handel me a copy of the circular I already had, and in about ten minutes the eleg"am came from Pittsburg: ‘Lawrence is here; stop- ping at Monongahela House.’ Then I was convinced that Adanjs was an unfortunate victim of resemblance, and went to Pilts- burg. When I got there I found I had been duped, and the real culprit had actually succeeded in sending me far enonsh away to enable him to gscape. He has never been caught.” ‘i A Ni Impostors Who Hnve a'Clever Scheme That Works. A new trick was worked on one of the charitably disposed citizens of Washington recently. A woman in great distress went to him and told a pitiful story of poverty. Her husband had been sick for a year, and one by one the articles of furniture had gene until the only thing left was a chair and a pile of old bed clothes. Her husband d his body lay in a wooden box, she not being able to procure a coffin. The gentleman appealed to put on his hat and ompanied the woman te a vacant room. ‘There was the box, the pile of filthy rags and a broken chair, just as she had repr He put his hand in his pocket and her what money he happened to have with him, about $4), and left, promising to return in a few hours. Suddenly recollect- ing that a cane he prized highly was pl: d against the wall, he went back after it, and sitting upon the wooden box was the supposed corpse, counting the money. He got the cane, but the swindlers kept the money. A tried friend, Dr. Bull's Cough Syrup. e “And the thinkingest man, to boot,” re- |’ HER HUSBAND'S FUNERAL. “An’ this,” said Mrs. Peak of Way Back, Massachusetts, one hot day last August, as she turned the leaves of her huge red plush photograph album in entertainment of her summer boarder from Washington, “this Is the likeness of her that was Me- hitabel Johnson. She lived with me quite a spell afore she got married, an’ she cer- tainly. was the handiest critter at gettin’ up big dinners for barn raisers, an’ harvest hands, I ever see in my life. “Hain’t I never told you about Mehita- bel’s husband's funeral? Do tell! I thought everybody'd heard that. Well, this ts him, Jolin Hicks,” pointing to the opposite page, “an’ he began to spark Mehitabel when she was a livin’ with me. I hated dread- ful to have him keepin’ her company, for though, for all't I knew, he was good enough as men go, I was dead sure he was after Mehitabel. She knew I didn't like it, too, an’ used to say to me: “Don’t you fret Mis’ Peak. John Hicks ‘d never make a good husband if he lived to be a thousand years old. That’s my idee of him.’ “All the time, though, that she was a talkin’ this way, she was makin’ up piller cases an’ sheets, an’ knittin’ yards an’ yards of tattin’, an’ sewin’ it on under- cloes; an’ one day when I heerd from Mis’ Stevens, who had it from Mis’ Perkins, who got it straight from Azuba_ Hicks, John’s own brother's wife, that Mehita- bel an’ John was goin’ to git married, come Wednesday week, I sez to Mehitabel, sez I, ‘here you be goin’ to marry John Hicks, when I’ve heerd. you with my own ears, say time an’ ag'in, that you thought he aidn’t make a good husband.” “Mehitabel only looked awful solemn, an’ said in a kind of tomb-like voice, ‘an’ I think so still.’ “Land! I dunno what she married him for. What does anybody marry anybody for? What did I marry pa for? (Pa was this vaconteur’s helpmeet) the taste folks show In gettin’ married, is one of the cur’us things of this life, that I guess no- body’ll ever find a reason for, not even them that’s done it. “Well, Mehitabel was right, John didn’t make a good husband. He let on to be a teamin’ it in Fall River, an’ took her off there to live, but he was that shif'less that let alone not workin’ while he was a livin’, he didn't even live out half his days, but died last summer, for nothin’ else in the world, as I told pa, than that he was too shif‘less to keep a breathin.’ “Mehitabel mailed me a postal card as soon as he died, a-sayin’ that she was a-go- in’ to bury him here in Way Back, an’ that the procession, made up of the preacher, the undertaker, John’s kin folks, an’ her, Mehit- abel, would stop at our house on the way to the church, long enough to git dinner. I The mails here ain't very reg-lai Peak’s face grew serious. The summer boarder’s countenance, too, grew sympathetic, she likewise having suf- fered from the fact that Way Back was a Star route office. “But if I didn’t git the postal carg, I got the folks fast enough,"continued Mr3. Peak. “They come on me unexpected, jest when I was beginning to dd up the dinner dishes, after eighteen thrashers (you couldn’t git a soul to help you !ast year in harvestin’ for love or money), when everythin’ in the house was et clean up, an’ when I was that wore sate het up, I could have dropped in my tracks. “I had my dishes all piled up in the pan an’ was jest a pourin’ the hot water over ‘em, when I peeked out of the kitchen winder, careless like, an’ there in the backyard, if there didn’t stand a hearse an’ a crowd of T™mourners. I declare, I was that beat, you could ha’ knocked me down with a feather. “Pat yelled I (he’d come back to fetch me in some oven wood he'd forgot), ‘Pa! if there ain't a hearse drove up to the wagon shed,’ and then I went on, ‘I knew I was most dead with work, but I didn’t think I Was So near gone as all that, but if it's come for me, I guess I'm ready to go,’ and with that I dropped into a kitchen chair, as weak as a cat. “By the time pa got to dousin' water on me to fetch me to, Mehitabel an’ the rest of the procession was at the house explainin’ things an’ helpin’ sop up the water that had gone on the floor, more’n it had on me. “I don’t wonder it scairt you,’ says Mehitabel, a wringin’ out the mop—never gettin’ no word of John’s sickness even, an’ then all of a sudden seein’ that hearse. But Hou Jest fe an’ lay down Miss Peak, an’ I'll see about this dinner,’ an, with that, if she didn’t hustle the preacher out into the garden after green corn, an’ the undertaker after potatoes (we was only diggin’ "em from day to day, as we needed ‘em, since they wan't ripe yit) an’ set John's sister a slicin’ salt pork, an’ his cousin a washin’ the dishes I’d begun an’ left, an’ his aunt from Lowell a settin’ the table, while Mehitabel herself begun to roll out some bakin’ powder biscuit. “Yes, it was a sort of queer way for mourners to act, but I dunno but it w: jest as good as anyother, for it kind o° took their minds off their grief, an’ I cal- clate they must have forgot their sorrer some, for thes had splendid appetites—et very last thing up. “Well, when they’d got the dishes done up after that meal of vittle it was time to git ready for the funeral, so the under- taker hitched his team into the hearse agin—yes, they'd left the corpse out In the hearse—pa put old Doll an’ Bett into the carryall (I'd got rested enough to go too by that time), the mourners got into their buggies, an’ off we went, stoppin’ only long enough in front of Mis’ Simpkin’s for Mehitabei to run in an borrer her long mournin’ veil an’ bonnit. Mehitabel come out with ‘em on an’ lookin’ real tasty. “After that, of course there wan't noth- in’ but the preachin’ an’ the buryin’. Me- Htabel thory!. ar’ the hull of the mourn- ers took on awful, both at the church an’ the graveyard. You wouldn't have thought they would, seein’ how cheerful they was cookin’ and eatin’ that meal of vittles, but likely enough doin’ that sort o' dis- tracted ‘em. “But I never shall forget, no, never, not to my dyin’ day,” concluded Mrs. Peak, turning the album page preparatory to beginning another reminiscence, “my feel- in’s when I peeked out of my kitchen winder, near dead as I was from cookin’ for them eighteen thrashers, and see that hearse standin’ in my own back yard, for all the world as if it had come for me.” oeciaiaes IT WAS LOADED. Church Social Grab-Bag That Broke Up the Meeting. One of the Washington churches gave a social a few evenings ago. A feature of the event was a gcab-bag, presided over by some small boys. The little fellows had left the selection of the articles to go in the bag to an older boy, brother of one of those who took charge of it. As the pa- trons of the social entered the room they noticed that something was wrong, and several remarks were mafe about the rooin being close, but no one thought much about it until after refreshments were served, and the grab-bag began to be popular. The first package was a regulation one of a corn cob dressed as a doll; the second was blank; the third when unwrapped showed a piece of Limburger cheess, that nearly broke up the mecting. The next grab pro- duced more Limburgzer. Then the guests went home, and the boy who furnished the grab-bag packages has not appeared at school for the past few days. @» —_—. A Discretion. From Punch, empty! figs at once! “No more I did, Mummy dear. one by one!” ‘The basket aiready’ quite n't mean you to eat all thuse Ieat'em BITS FROM THE BY-WAYS A Farewt mrance. @ OME TIME AGO S the dwellers in a Washington — suburb were greatly annoy- ed by a number of District citizens who loved to tempt for- tune and who spent most of their time In the abstruse mathe- matical problems which the laws of chance present. They were humble devo- tees of their chosen The money which more preten- scier tious investigators have expended In plac- ing on record articles for “The Primrose Social Club” or “The Happy Hours Asso- ciation,” organized always for “social in- tercourse and mutual improvement,"’ was expended by these more economical searchers in the direct Une of their pur- suits. They knew no green baize but the turf, and they paid for neither electric lights nor gas, as, often from dawn till twilight, they recited the cabalistic rhythms which attach to the sorceries of “7-11. The company of crapshooters became a nuisance to the neighborhood. The resi- dents who had cast their smaller fortunes with those of the real estate promoters did not like them. Their groupings cast a blot on the landscape, and their sounds of ceremony were vulgar and unrural- But there was no way of getting rid of them. If dispersed they reassembled, and some of them always had money to risk. But the crapshooters have forever disap- peared from the place. It was an inspira- tion of the man who, with the aniseseed bag, carefully maps out the route of a fox’ hunt that scattered the gamesters. ‘They looked suspiciously at him as he drew Reynard’s understudy in several widening circles around their rendezvous, but they were not able to make any Intel- ligent protest and let it pass. On the day of the fox hunt they turned their heads in casual curiosity to watch the distant hounds in their silly pursuit of a perfume. They were surprised to see them making directly for their spot of assemblage, and annoyed to find that they kept this course steadfastly until the yelping pack was under their very noses. Then they jumped to their feet to run, but the dogs had en- circled them and were following the trafl with a fidelity which made the victims of the coup howl in terror at the cyclonic visitation. The dogs at last struck off at a tangent, and the hunters who had stopped in astonishment to watch this sudden canine delirum started after them. The players made for the woods, and the man who had engineered the aniseseed bag came around that afternoon and, unmolest- ed, picked up two large dice and a hand- ful of coins as mementos. x * A Modern Appeal. ‘These are the days when women ~ule, And men must meekly bow. ‘The ardent swain his words must coal, For times are different sow. Then Tneer not an shyly here, While blushes come and ‘y; if you love me, Mary, dear, Why don't you tell me 50? Ne ‘With tenderest words your heart I'd thrill, But usage bids beware; The places men were wont to fill Are chosen by the fair. ‘Where once a lover's course was clear Propriety says “no.” Then, if you love me, Mary, dear, Why don’t you tell me so? A rapturous trembling at my beart Proclaims you ‘mid the throng— Nay, nay: forgive me! 1 depart From customs new but strong. “Tis yours to speak and mine to hears ‘This impulse I forego. But, ff you love me, Mary, dear, Why don't you tell me 20? kK * A Fair Exchange. One of the professors who enlighten the world on science from this city recently took home a meteorite for leisurely inspec- tion. His wife krows little of astronomy, but she fs a skilled chemist in the cuisine. He showed her the specimen, with the re- quest that she would remind him to take it back to his laboratory next day. She did so in the morning. , That evening she gave him some dough- nuts, which she had baked the day before. “They are fine,” he said, enthusiastically. “There is nothing I enjoy more than these old-fashioned dainties.’ But she did not seem to agree with him. She was holding the one she had selected at arm’s length with an expression of in- finite pain in her face. “I don’t see how such a thing could have happened to me. It is very nice of you to say they are good, but you must not try to eat them. They will certainly be the death of you. I must have forgotten to put in the baking powder.” “Why, this one is all right,” said the pro- fessor. with his mouth full. “Look at this,” said she. “It is the hard- est doughnut I ever saw. The professor glanced at it and smiled. From his inside coat pocket he drew a small paper parcel, which he carefully unwrapped. “My dear,” he said, “some of the most ex- traordinary; phenomena in nature are sus- ceptible of the simplest explanations. When I reached my office this morning I was for a moment convinced that I had discovered the softest meteorite in existence. If you will hand me my shooting-star I will take great pleasure in restoring your doughnut.” * x * A Bloomer Solace, In Johnny‘s heart a grief untold Time strives in vain to smother. He wearq remodeled trousers old Disdained by his big brother. But since his sister bought a bike With hope you'l’ hear him twitter. His cast-off garment very like They'll now cut down to fit ‘er. * x * A Quiet Celebration. A ycung man with a good salary and small ambitions, Dicky Doddson, managed to have a very pleasant life, albeit he was far from kindred, and rather slenderly attached to the social circles which mo- nopolize his enegies and aspirations. Dicky was good- hearted, but a little blase; and some- what ashamed of the former attribute, for he had_ been born with it and could claim no cre?- it, and very proud of the latter, for it ha: cost him all his s: ary and some dvstry. There was a scent of cedar all over the house where he lived. Several fami- lies who had chil- dren dwelt there, and the m'stietoe and holly were already lifting themselves all over the house in sturdy defiance of the chill gloom of the season. Dicky was touch- ed by the preparations about him. He could not help but be. And he went so far as to pick up a branch of evergreen which had been thrown into the hallway. He tied it with an old cravat to the gas bracket. Having Lt the wax taper, which clung to it, overlooked by the peopie who had discarded this infinitesimal share of their holiday cheer, Dicky gazed at his recognition of the times w:th feelings of quiet satisfaction. It was the first Christ- mas tree he had. But he forgot about it all when he stepped into the street and met a friend who was strolling in to ac- company him to the small club, of which both are members. Dicky had told him he was going there to pay his indebtedness, the limit of time having almost elapsed. He had the money then, and he didn’t care to wait any longer, for fear he would spend it He was thinking of the close- ness with which he had to calculate to make both ends meet, and when a man on the street, who held his coat over his chest with one hand, and who looked woe- ft “I don’t object to giv- yon't insuit my in- ence with the ust fictio: will you the dime if you will tell me what ly want it for.” And Dicky wink- y knowingly at his friend, who miled sagaciously in response. The men- a measuring glance at him, “All right. I see that you're the right game sort, and that there ain't any use o° my tellin’ you my nose got red from dys- pepsia.” He grinned confidentially as he ——————_—} said, “If you want it straight, I need that ten cents for a drink. I ain’t had a drink in ever so long.” Dicky was so well pleased with this vin- dication of his own perceptions that he tossed over a quarter instead of a dime, and the man hastened around the next corner. “I like that fellow’s honesty,” said Mr. Doddson, thoughtfully. “I've a great mind to follow him and gite him another quarter, just for being candid.” “I can’t wait on you if you do,” was the reply, but Dicky persisted in his purpose with the devotion to whim which is the idler’s luxury, and they separated. “There's a drug store, and a baker shop and a saloon, all in a row,” he said, as he turned the corner. “ll watch the saloon a talk to him some more when he comes on But just then he caught sight of the man emerging from the drug store. He went into the baker's, and Dicky¥ waited for him at the door. When he came out Dicky said, pro- testfully: “I thought you said you wanted that mon- ey So eiieenfe “Well,” said the man, reproachfully, “you said it first.” cs ae “What have you been buying?” Reluctantly his beneficiary exposed the contents of the paper sack he carried. He showed a loaf of bread and a bottle. “The lquor’s in the bottle all right enough, I suppose.” “No, sir,” was the reply, with a choking pigs “that's medicine. My wife's sick, sir. ee what's that remaining in the paper ag" Shamefacedly the man drew forth a gar- ish, lonesome jumping jack. Dicky thought of bis own little strugcle for a merry Christmas an hour before. The tears came as he thought of the bitter un- equal fight which this fellow was making for a little holiday cheer “I'll go home with you,” sald Dicky, tak- ing him by the arm. Dicky'’s indebtedness to his small club is still unpaid. But now and then he takes a seat opposite the board where his name In posted and smiles at :t with the utmost conteat. PHILANDER JOHNSON. —__s___ THE BROKEN-HEARTED SON. Of a Disreputable Old Dad Who Played Him Low Down. The somewhat slangy young slim from St. Asaph’s met the horse reporter of The Star on the street and forthwith asked leave to join him in his walk. “Certainly,” responded the reporter, for he likes the young fellow. “What's go- ing on over at the track?” “Oh, hard luck, hard luck,” and the young man’s face looked like the map of a famine district. “My own dad went back on me and gave me away to the whole gang.” “But did you loge any money on it?” “Did I? Well, twenty-five hard plunks.” ‘That's different. What the story. of it “Well, you see it was this way. A jock come to me th’ other day and said if I'd scratch Beesting, that’s the old man’s mare, you know, he’d give me twenty-five cold; ‘cause he was going to ride Mudeock and would win with hands down if Beestti wasn’t in the race. So I grabs on goes off to the old man to get him to scratch the mare. He cussed a blue streak and woulda’t have it, and wanted to know why I wanted to have her scratched, and I told him she hadn't any show, and that a rest would do her good anyhow, and he cussed another round or two and said she should‘run, and I said she couldn't, ‘cause there wasn’t a jock to ride her, and he tore up the ground some more and said he'd find one, and then I left him. “About an hour after that I saw the old man monkeying around among the loose jocks, and he tackled the very jock that was to give me the wad to have her scratched. Says he to the jock: “Mugs, I want you to ride Beesting in that fourth race.’ ‘W"y,’ says he, all knocked out, ‘Jim- mie,’ that’s me, twenty-five doll’: scratched.’ Then the old man, he kind of champed his bits a minute and pawed around, and he says to the jock it was all right, whatever Jimmie said, and to give him the money. “The jcck ladled It right out and the old man went off and had the mare scratched, and I was tickled clean through, ‘cause, you see, I didn’t know what him and the jock had done. I got onto that part after it_ was all over. “Well,” and the young man sighed pro- foundly, ‘in "leven or eight minutes after the scratching was done, the old man calls me and Bob, our stable boy, out in front of the grand stand before all the people that was there, and says he to Bob, at the same time taking @ roll of the green out of his pocket: 5 Bob,’ says he, ‘here's twenty- five doilars that Jimmie got off of the jock for scratching Beesting. Go and get yourself a it of clothes with it. And Jimmie,’ says he to me, ‘you can go to @ hotter place then a race track in Novem- ber.’ Then he ambled off and I got the laugh, in ninety-nine colors and styles, like a Christmas window.” The horse reporter tried to lighten the blow that had fallen upon the young fel- low, but his efforts were entirely inef- fectual. ed CHEAP RATES. How a Country Landlord Justifiea His Charges to a Guest. “The stories of extortion at hotels re- minds me of the boom days in the south,” said a guest at the Riggs to a Star writer. “They were to have a sale of lots at Se- quachie, Tenn., and so I stopped in the town of Jasper. The hotel was full, but beds had been placed in a barn, the loft of which had been cleaned out and a stove ut in. Putwhen I went to leave, I asked for my bill for the three days I had been there. “Six dollars for board and $1.50 for fires,” was the response. “Why, I could have stopped in the best hotel in Chattanooga for $2 a day,’ I ex- claimed. “Yes, sah. We don’t charge no more than they do, although rooms are sca‘ce here. Of co’se, the law of supply and de mand would make our rooms wuth moah, but we cha’ge jess the same. Yo" could hey gone to Chattanooga, sah, an’ yo" board would hav’ been $6, an’ the railroad fare, $5; so it was cheaper for yo’ to stay heah but if yo’ prefer to stop thar we haven’ anything to say. The hotel keepers thar are fr'en’s of mine, an’ perfect gemmen, Yo’ bill is only $7.50.’ — COULD WHIP HIM. Mountain Belle Wou' Not Marry a Man She Could Whip. West Virginia, the mountain state, is full of interesting characters. Back of the rather aristocratic ttle town of Phillippl are fastnesses not yet disturbed by the on- ward march of civilization, A well-known politician was canvassing through that seo- tion for votes, when he came to a cabin where a young woman was holding a man on tne ground by his ears. “Done got enough?” she asked. “I give up,": he said. Then the girl re leased the man, who went away i oking very much abashed. “What's the trouble?” inquired the poli- ” replied the girL “He juss axed me ter marry ‘im, an’ I’ve allus said 1 wouldn't marry any man t could whop. Kinder looks like I coukin’ fin’ one. I've tried mos’ of ‘em ‘round hyar, an’ none of ‘em ain't any good. I tol’ ‘im all about it, an’ I didn’ want ter whop this un much, but he jess went down soon as I tackled ‘im. I reckon I'll hev ter be an ol? maid. I kain’t abide havin’ no man thag ain't mo’ of a man than me.” SES A Happy Thought. Frcm Harper's Bazar. “I tell hetress has its drawbacks.”” “Yes: but think of the greenbacks, Bond.” you what, Sharp, marrying an