Evening Star Newspaper, November 16, 1895, Page 19

A ane yer Dry ff sehen, a IN THE GAY CITY Pictures of Life in a Boarding House in Paris. TABLE WHERE ONLY FRENCH IS SPOKEN How American Visitors Intend to Improve the Time, but Don’t. POKER AS IT IS PLAYED ——— Special Correspondence of The Evening Star. PARIS, November 5, 1895. HERE Is A « Frerch table at our boarding house. To the right of us and to the left of us they volley and thunder, for the most part In the good old Ameri- can language. But those at the French table are supposed to be more serious. The Spanish lady already speaks the language of Paul Bourget with grace and fluency, except for that toreador accent. The young American and his wife from Mai ester, England, are beginning, having go* to the point of being able to call each other “real naughty,” and have mas- tered the shrug. The doctor and his wife insist on speaking French— ‘Wee, je aim le Francaise tres bo-koo.” Madame, the wife of the proprietor cannot speak English. A half-cynical, half-mournful American with @ pointed beard and gold eye glasses, acts as the table dictionary: And the rest stumble alorg as they may. A sweet-faced French lady has come to sit at the table to igarn English. It is an excellent opportunity* be- cause the conversation at lunch runs some- thing e thi “Good morning, good morning, good morn- ing, good morning! Isn't it a wretched morn- ing? Snowing tn October! And we were to go to Maisons-Laffitte on our bicycles! Now we'll have to play poker. Madame Es- padito, what are you going to do this after- noon? Jouer au po-calre? Yes? I won two francs night before last, and Suzanne did too, but I think you might come and sit with us this afternoon to make us feel respectable and good! And I think it’s real improving for the gentiemen, it keeps them in and out of harm. Doctor, where are you going this afternoon?” “Parley Francais, Madame Jones, c'est la table Francais (with increasing difficulty). Av-ey vou eu une bon sum-ay? Je ety tray Janey dan le nuit parsk there was some kind of an engine pumping across la rue.”" “Say, Tukey, I wish you'd tell madame she ought to heat the plates. My steak is stone cold already.” At cli the other tables they are speaking plain English, when it is not Potuguese, Spanish or Russian. It is a large boarding house, five stories high; and the majority of the rooms are filled with beautiful American ladies and their daughters, come abroad to spend their husbands’ money. We have no cause to blush for our country. On Sunday morning when they all start out In a triple rank for Dr. Morgan's American Church of the Holy Trinity, it is 2 @ troupe that could not be equaled If you shouil hunt thr the whole length of the Av simply can bubbling ¢ Everything is new to thing is interesting and delight- Jo iook at those Koa man with the blue Mother Hubbard driving them! What is he playing on? What a pretty tune? Why does he drive the goats along the street? The | these real frank-eyed, and Joy of life, pass by. them, For goats’ milk? How, goats’ milk? Do you mean to y he stops those goats and milks 1 on the street? In a tincup? Mr. Wat- you're joking! And that tune he's playing is to tell people ne’s coming? And they come out with their tincups! Why, it’s ewful! You must understand that these Ameri- can ris are rich as well as pretty. Some- times the great marble vestibule of the first 1 is piled high with boxes from the Touver and the Bon Marche. On such an evening everything else stops and there is ie of the parlors. a world’s fair held in ¢ ybedy comes to loo! gloves, the fans, the slipper: furs, the buckles, th are mysterious bo: never untie till they get alone. As Overheard. Put if you have a rovm next to one of them, you will be forced to overhear many “on, Luey, don't you think {t's too high? No, that's the style. They're just like stove pipes (rustling). Isn't it grand That's the gayest one I ever saw. All silk Yes, sixty franc Jane, 1 don't blame these French women for lifting their gowns when it's muddy ‘Three of these can girls in Paris " the plano. pi nz themselves in One is perfecting herself at vocal music. the harp. And the rest are perfecting their French. By Christmas they will all be per- fect. In the meantime, as Paris is new to them and there Is a great deal to see, they have not begun studying yet. One was going to begin her lessons last week, but she was persuaded to put them off. There is really no time. They must take their chocolate in their bed rooms at 9 a.m. They must play awhile with the things they bought yesterday. ‘They must Slip into a friend’s room and admire her purchases—on condition that the friend will come and admire in return. ‘They must “hurry now or we won't have time to get those chocolate creams on our way back from the Louvre.” It Is lunch time before you know it, and everyone ts late. Then “we simply ‘cannot spend all the afternoon in this billiard room. Mr. Watkins, I thought- you were a serious- minded person. stun up to the fourth floor and tell mamma not to forget the guide book and tell her we are ready. Yes, you may come along if you rromise to be im- proving. We are going to the Cluny Mu- seum, and I suppose by this time you know all about everything in it.” They must have their dinner early, be- cause they are going to the opera tonight to hear Romeo and Juliet. No, do not care to stop end have supper afterward. Writing Home. And remember you are not to buy us any flowers. Flowers are forbidden. Yes. Good- bye! Yes, at half-past seven sharp. This Paris boarding house has various centers of interest and civilization. The billiard rocm is one, the smoking room is another, the salon is a third, the dining room is a fourth, and when any indulgent mother makes,an afternoon or evening tea party in her private parlor it is a fifth. Only the married ladies play poker. Some- times the young girls play billiards, and this is the game they like best. It is called “bouchon,” or “jump cork.” A cork is placed in the center of the billiard table, end up. Each player puts a French cent on the cork. At each end of the table an- other cork is placed, but they are barren corks and have no money on them. Two balis are used, a white one and a red one. The game consists in playing the white ball on the red ball, making the red ball strike the cushion and knock over the money cork on its rebound. If instead you knock over one of the empty corks, you put another cent on the money cork. If you miss the red ball, you also pay. If you knock over two corks you pay two cents, even though one of them be the money cork. In the course of time the money cork oftem has an imposing pile of French sous on it, and when—ting!—it is upset by a lucky stroke and all the money falls upon the table, there is a babel of mixed cries of joy and pain. The poker game 1s something much more serious. The ante is one cent, with a five- cent limit; but as the figures are expressed in cent:mes, not in sous, they sound much richer. “Vingt-cing encore!” “Et encore!” i vous savez, j’ ai plus le sou! Henry, just hand me over another frane’s worth of those coppers.” Ant I haf. air, ma chere, ant he for I haf seeks cart!” “Com opp, how com opp” yeur ante and you will have less inoney.” Now, Mr. Watkins, you must not teach these French ladies that horrid poker slang. Yes, that's my money. ‘hanks. Three typewriters. The Joy of Winning. It is the most delightful thing in the world to see Madame X— play pokaire. She has just learned the game, and has been very successful. One evening she won three frencs, another evening four francs fifty, and still on another evening six francs. She always counts her winnings in cab fares. “How much are you ahead, Madame X——?" “Ah, I haf two cab and one omnibus.” She is the traveling companion of the American lady from Manchester, England, who is very nice to her. Young, pretty and fiercely economical, her face flushes like a rose and her eyes grow moist when one deals her three aces from the bottom of the pack. With what joy and triumph she rakes in those precious cab fares! It is a holy privilege to her back until she trembles when you have a bob-tailed straight against those The doctor drinks champagne at dinner, and his wife drinks milk. This evening he tad a whole bottle of champagne instead of a half bottle, as {s usual. He sits next to madame, the wife of the proprietor, and wished to offer her champagne, to please her and to make her gay. Madame, his own wife, had almost quarreled with madame, the wife of the proprietor, this morning on the price of fire wood for her op So madame, the wife of the prop’ flushed and happy after dinner. “Come, my dears, Iam going to make up the menus for tomorrow and the day after. We will have anything you please. Name the dishes you EVENING STAR, SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 16, 1895-TWENTY-FOUR PAGES. 19 ‘And I mutton kidneys and mush- “And I for lamb chops and pota- tces maitre d’hotel.” And thedinner? “Oh! bisque d’ecrevis: “Va, pour la bisque.” Next? “Turbot in the English styl ‘And filet de boeuf au madere!” Good. “Russian salad!” “Pheasant!” ‘Ducks and olives!” “Algerian pease!” “Wine jelly!" = “Ic cream!"—until the dinner, too, 1s ‘settle: down on—and so on for the next day. By the time madame has satisfied the conflicting interests she has engaged herself to such expenses as would swamp three times over any pension de famille. All is Peaceful. The poker players return to their poker. The little girls return to their bouchon, smearing their interesting faces with blue chalk, which in gay Paris takes the place of the white article known to American bil- Nord tables. The old ladies settle down to their tittle-tattle. The mothers talk about their daughters. The servants are flirting in the kitchen and the dining rooms. The pet dogs are sleeping in the hallway. From the salon comes a cheerful caterwauling to pi- ano accompaniment. High up there are strains from a harp. It is the young girl's teacher showing her how a harp should be teuched. Outside there is a cold rain. Everybody is content and purring. Only poor madame, the wife of the pro- prietor, awaking from the beautiful dream of the champagne, begins to realize, with a dull pain, that she must change the menus and endure reproaches, or else bankrupt her establishment. At lunch tomorrow the mutton kidneys will have changed to boeuf a la mode. The lamb chops will have be- come nice steak. For dinner we will have Pea soup in place of the bisque. There will be no pheasant and no peas. Fresh peas in October! The ducks and olives remain, and the filet and the fish, perhaps, if turbot is not too dear. You can have a deal of elegance for $2 a day in this Paris boarding house. The stair- cheese.” rooms.”” Spoils of Shopping. case is marble, as imposing as that of a fqmost the entire world’s yield of theater. The table is waited on by men in livery. Each floor has long balconies. The private hotel of an American marquise is directly in front, the aristocratic American church of the Alma at one side, and the ave- nue of the Champs Elysees a hundred steps away. Madame bought a fine bay horse last summer, and now she has bought a coupe. It is against the law to rent the coupe out, but who will know it? The concierge has a suit of livery, and boarders are at liberty to engage the turnout at three francs an hour! STERLING HEILIG. OF THE Strange Accidents Which Are Liable to Happen to Birds. Flom the Cornhill ‘ine. It se2ms almost incredible that a bird should break its wing in midair by the mere exertion of tlight; yet four such acci- dents have been Yeported within the last two or three years. A gentleman, while out quail shooting near the Pyramids, flushed an owl, and, mechanically raising his gun, without any intention of firing, when, to his utter surprise, the bird twisted in its flight and fell to the ground as if shot. On examination the astonished sports- man discovered that the poor owl had broken its wing. Birds that employ hair in the building of their nesis sometimes come to grief by hanging, but I should say very seldom in- deed in the following singular manner: 2 entleman who had a number of colts upon his farm one day noticed a small bird en- tangled in the long hair of the tail of one of them. The little creature had evidently been in search of material wherewith to line its nest, and by some unaccountable accident had become ensnared in the un- Kempt hair of the colt’s tail. Cases of Dirds getting their feet entangled in bits of yarn or string are not at all uncommon, especially in the breeding season,and when- ever the victim of this kind of mishap hap- pens to get the impediment fastened in a tree or among stones death is pretty sure to be the result, unless prompt human aid is forthcoming. Finally, it may not be unfitting to glance for a moment at the way in which birds regard accidents to eachother. I have seen them so devoted as to try and carry off their dead; and many instances are on rec- ord of birds endeavoring to help each other in time of trouble. An observer not long ago reported the fact that he saw a spar- row trying to release another who had be- come entangled in a piece of horsehair at- tached to the bough of a tree. A party of sportsmen out grouse hunting in Ireland a year or two back came upon a pair of grouse and discovered that the male was tota'ly blind of both eyes, and that his mate, a fine bird, evidently min- istered to all his wants—leading him about, bringing him food and keeping close beside him. Suc devotion in a bird is, should say, almost without parallel. +00. SHE HAS A GRIEVANCE. PERIL AIR. And Discusses Osculatory Annoyances to the Disquiet of Her Big Sister. Fran the Chicago Post. She is an observing little mortal, and she knows her own mind. She has been sub- Jected to all the osculatory annoyances that pretty children have to put up with, and she is as heartily sick of them as the average crild usually is. Every one seems to feel that he or she has a license to kiss a pretty child in this world without giving the least thought to the rights of the child in the premises. ‘This little girl, however, has noticed that no such Infiction is Imposed upon her older sister, and it has made her jealous. “I wish I Mamma,” she said one day, was big. “How big?” “As big as Mamie,” she replied, referring to her sister. “Why?” inquired her mother. “‘Cause Mamie has a lot better time than I do. Everybody doesn’t want to kiss Mamie.” “How do ycu know they don't?” “Well, she don’t have to let ‘em, anyway, if she don’t want to.” “Are you sure about that?" asked the mother, somewhat amused. “Course Iam. She can talk right back to any one who kisses her, and {t ain't impo- Mte at all, but if I did it I'd be punished.” “Ethel!” broke in Mamie, with a warning shake of the head. “Well, you can,” protested Ethel, “and it ain't fair. All the old grannies don’t even try to kiss you like they do me—only the nice-looking young men, and you can send them about their business if you want to. I guess I heard ycu tell that man with the black mustache, who was here last night, that he ought to be ashamed of himself, and you know what would happen to me if said anything like that just because somebody kissed n:e.”” love best.” Even the poker players stop. epeak for eggs poached in “Madame, I cream and A trained nurse.—Life, DIAMONDS A DRUG Americans‘: Not Buying as Many + 88-They Did. PURCHASING OEMS BY THE 70H News About Precious Stones in the United States. AMERICAN JEWELS year; they have no money for diamonds. Importations of those Precious stones have gone away down ow- ing to hard times. In 1894 they dropped to @ lower point than for many years, only $6,768,000 worth being brought to this coun- try. The growth of luxury in the United States is fairly measured by the imports of diamonds, which, in 1867, amounted to bare- ly more than $1,300,000. In 1889 they had reached nearly $11,000,000; in 1890, $13,000,- 000; in 1892, $14,000,000. This was high-water mark. They have fallen off to less than half that figure since. The notion of buying diamonds by the ton seems almost absurd, yet, practically, that is what is done nowadays, by the great En- glish syndicate, which purchases the whole output of the South African mines for a sum stipulated annually. The stones are bought in the rough and are cut in London. On this account the business of cutting diamonds has been moving to the British capital, which has become the greatest cen- ter of the industry formerly almost mon- opolized by Amsterdam. In January of the present year the dealers of Amsterdam and Antwerp formed a combination and tried to break the English control of the market by offering higher figures than the h syndicate had bid for the yield of The Britishers, however, made an cifer yet higher, securing the goods for the enormous sum of 317,500,000 in cash. To realize the importdnce of such a deal it must be understood that at pre MERICANS ARE Az dukes this monds roduced by the South African mines. mines are controled and oF sle corporation, its output is able to’ gc any time it could throw enough of the stones upon the r t to make diamonds a drug. Imagine a vast body of blue clay, through which sems are scattered like plums in a pudding. Conceive the deposit to be Uy inexhaustible for cen- have a notion of represented by non mining hat like gambling; 1a certain: this case it as Y estabiished groe 33. On an av age, 100 tons of lay are sure to yield about 100 carats of stones. Up to date the company has:put on the market 3,000,000 carats, The daily produc:ion fs 5,500 carats. The Jagersfontein. Only a few months ago the greatest dia- mond ever known in tne history of the world was dug out of one of these South African mines~the Jagersfontein. It weighs O71 carats, far exceeding the celebrated “Great Mogul.” It is blue-white, and fault- less, except for a slight spot in the center hardly visible to the naked eye. The value Stated at 0,000, It was presented to pope by ‘the president of the Transvaal public. The Jagersfontein gem is said to have been picked up by a native who was load- ing a cart with blue mud. Though an overseer was Standing close by, he hid it_on his person, and kept it for some time. His purpose was not to steal it, however. A few days later he deliv. ered it personally to the manager, re- ceiving as a reward $750 in cash and a horse and saddle. This remarkable stone weighs nearly half a pound avoirdupois. It is three Inches long, one and a half inches thick and two and a half inches wide. = It seems more than surprising that no diamond mines have ever been discovered in the United States. Occasional gems of this kind have been picked up in various states, the conolusion drawn from such dis- coverles beirg that they are restricted al- most wholly to a belt along the eastern base of the southern Alleghenles, in Vir- ginia and Georgia, and to another belt along the western base of the Sierra Nevada and Cascade ranges. It is a melancholy fact that this country hardly produces an aver- age of $100 worth of diamonds annually. Nobody can say with certainty that dia- mond mines rivaling those of South Africa may not be struck some day within the limits of Uncle Sam’s domain, Within the last few years some “finds” have been made which cause the experts of the geo- logical survey to shake their heads thought- fully. In 1876 a weil digger at Eagle, Wis., found a diamond of fifteen carats. Another one, wine-yellow in color, was picked up on a farm belonging to Henry Endlich, at Kohlsville, Wis. It weighed twenty-four earats, being nearly as big as a p'geon’s egg. Mrs. Endlich keeps it as a memento of her deceased husband. Many other dia- monds have been found in the same neigh- borhood, and geologists are certain that they have been brought down from the north in glacial drift. The problem 1s to find the source from which they started. Apparently, they are traceable to localities where the geological formation closely re- sembles that of the South African diamond fields. One of these is the Menominee dis- trict of northwest Wisconsin; the other {s to the northwest of Lake Superior, in the vicinity of Pigeon river. Somewhere in these regions there is a hopeful prospect for the diamond seeker. The geological formation in the neigh- borhood of the South African diamond flelds Is very peculiar. The surface layer of the earth thereabouts was originaily of carbonaceous shales—that is to say, a kind of rock containing a large percentage of carbon. Carbon, of course, is in its pure state the sole ‘material of the diamond. Volcanic eruptions yomited from the bow- els of the earth a vast amount of molten recks and other stuff heated to an incon- celvably bigh temperature. By this high temperature the carbon In the shales was crystallized into diamonds. Apparently similar precesses have been operative in past ages in the regions* of the United States referred to. Rubles Above Diamonds. It is a great ‘mistake*to suppose that diamonds are the most precious of gems. In market yalue they are far surpassed by rubies. A four-carat ruby of true’ pigeon blood color’is worth $9,000, while a fine white diamond of the same weight will sell fer $1,000. Most. of the rubies today come from Siam, but ‘the finest are from Bur- mah. Of the latter the supply is very small, however, owing to the difficulties which attend mining in Burmah. When King Theebaw was deposed and the coun- try opened, it was imagined that the mar- ket would soon be flooded with rubies; but the expectation has not been realized. The gems are guarded by a deadly fever, from which no white man escapes. Only natives can do the digging, and they steal the best stones, resorting to an incredible variety of devices, the least ingenious of which is to swallow them. In view of these facts, much interest at- taches to a bulletin by the expert, Mr. G. F. Kunz, soon to be published by the Unit- ed States geological survey, to the effect that great deposits of rubles have been dis- covered recently in a valley in North Caro- lina. Tho valley is three miles long by half a mile wide, traversed by a stream. The gems ars found in a layer of gravel from two to ten feet thick and from three to twenty feet below the surface of the ground. Exploration has proved that the Tuby-bearing gravel extends through the entire valley, but not beyond it. Many of the stones already picked up are of large size. 3 The most important precious stone of the United States, commercially speaking, is turquoise. In 1891 there was mined of it in this country $150,000 worth; in 1892, $175,000 worth; in 1893, $143,000 worth. Immense deposits of it, some of which were worked anciently by the Indians, have been found in Arizona and New Mexico. Recently a new mine was discovered in Texas, to the north of El Paso. Whereas the aborigines, long before the first coming of the white man, took cut the turquoise by the crudast methods, building fires against the rocks to crack them, the deposits today are at- tacked on scientific principles, and are made to yield stones equal to the finest Persian. Gems up to sixty carats’ weight and valued at $4,000 each have been cut from them. A great advantage which they have over most imported turquoise is that they do not change color. Owing to the stringency of the times, however, the out- put of turquoise in this country in 1804 was worth only $30,000. Sapphires and Beryl. During the last year deposits of beautiful sapphires were discovered twenty-five miles west of Phillipsburg, Mont., on the eastern slope of the Bitter Root range. The crystals are scattered over an area of 1,500 acres, and seventy-five pounds’ weight of them has been obtained already. They are of light shades of blue, pink, yellow and purple. A few months ago the Trenton Flint and Spar Company, at Topsham, Me., while mining for feldspar, came upon a number of pockets filled with remarkable crystals of beryl, green, yellow and white. Some of them Were as much as five inches long and ore inch in diameter. Nearly all were trans- Parent and capable of yielding gems equal to those of the Ural mountains. During the last few years the Indians on the Navajo reservation have found so many garnets and peridots that the supply has ex- ceeded the demand. Thus, at present, there is a large surplus of these stones on hand at the various agencies. The Indians collect them from ant hills and scorpion holes, the occupants of which bring them to the sur- face. Some of the garnets are half an inch in diameter. They have a better color by artificial light than South African garnets. During the past twelve months a valuable ledge of moss agate was discovered at Hart- ville, 100 miles north of Cheyenne, Wyo. It is six inches thick, five feet wide, and runs for a distance of half a mile. It was found by prospectors who were looking for copper. The material, as quarried in the crude, sells for $200 a ton. It is not so many years since moss agate was considered a precious stone, being sold by the carat. It has only ceased to be so regarded because the finding of great deposits of it has di Shot made it a drug in —_———__ FACTS ABOUT COTTON. The Money Brought Into the South in Mmetecen Years, From Harper's Weekly. A study of the crop figures will show that seven years successively increasing crops from 1885-6 to 1891-2 were unprece- dented in the histery of trade. It is doubt ful if any leading crop raised can show such an unbroken increase for seven Jumping from 5,700,000 bales in 1885-6 was praciically no halting until when the yield was 9, In nineteen years cotton has brought Into the south over $6,000,000,000—a sum so vast that the profits out of it ought to have been enough to greatly enrich that section. Un- fortunately, however, the system aecessi- tated by the conditions prevailing imme- diatety after the war, of raising cotton only and buying provisions and grain in the west, left at home but little, if any, surplus money out of the cotton crop. The west and north drained that section of several hundred million dollars every year, because it depended upon them for all of its manu- factured goods, as well as for the bulk of its food stuffs. Hence, of the enormous amount received from cotton, very little remained in the south. The increase in the diversification of farm products, the raising of home supplies, the development of trucking and the build- ing of factories are all uniting to keep at heme the money which formerly went north and west. Whether the cotton raiser him self be getting the full benefit of this or not, the south at large is necessarily doing so. The increase in the attention given tc giain cultivation is illustrated by the fact that the south’s grain crop of 1894 was 611,- 0,000 bushels, valued at $3 more than the value of its entire cotton crop, and the yield for 1895 will probably exceed these figures by at least 50,000,000 bushels, The importance of cotton in our forefgn trade relations can be realized from the s'mple statement that since 1875 our ex- ports of this staple have aggregated in valze $1,0°0,000,000, while the total exports of wheat and flour combined for the same period have been about $2,600,000,000, sho’ ing a difference of $1,400,000,000, or over 50 per cent in favor of cotton. Moreover, dur- ing the same period, we have exported about $200,000,000 of manufactured cotton goods, making the total value really $1,200,- 609,000. Compared with the exports of wheat, flour and corn combined—the value ef which since 1875 has been about $3,200,- 000,000—there ‘is a difference in favor of cotton of $1,000,000,000, Going back to 1820, it is found that the total value of flour and wheat exported for the last seventy-four years is, in round figures, $4,0C0,000,000, or —$200,000,000 less than the value of the cotton exported dur- ing the last nineteen years. HE WANTED LIND. And Her Father Had No Objections if Allowed to Tell His Tale. Frem the Detroit Free Press. As I sat on the door step smoking with a Cumberland mountaineer one evening a young man about two and twenty came out of the woods and slowly approached us. He was barefooted and wore only shirt and trousers, and he was evidently on an errand which greatly embarrassed him. The moun- taineer was telling me about how he was kicked by a mule, but he broke off to salut “Howdy, Abe! What yo’ all want around yere?” “Dun got sunthin’ to say,” replied the young man, as he almost turned his back on us. “Then shoot ‘er o' Tim’s a strang is head toward me. “That don’t count. mew!" “‘Noap.” “Wanter borry the gua?” Sapte “Wanter trade fur one of the dawgs?” “Noap.” “Say, Abe,” continued the mountaineer, “mebbe youn ar’ hard up and want the loan of a dollar or some bacon or meal?” “Noap,”” was the monotonous reply as the young man fidgeted about. “Then what on airth do yo’ want?” “Wanter marry Linda.” “Wanter marry Linda, eh? Hev yo’ coted her?” said Abe, as he jerked Wanter borry the “Hev yo’ axed her?” “Yep “Then why in thunder don’t yo’ marry her;—and. stranger, that mewl he jess whirled on me and kicked with both feet and lifted me clean over the brush fence afore I knowed what was up —_——_+e+ Self-Defense. From Harper's Bazar. Wife—“What in the world do you want with a trombone? You know that the man next deor has driven us nearly wild by his performance on that awful instrument.” Hubby—“Calm yourself, my dear. That's the one I've bought.” ae At It Again, From Warper’s Bazar. Visiting Briton--“I’d rather have a corner of Westminster Abbey than all New York.” New Yorker—“I understand that all the decent men England has ever produced are there.” THE WHEEL OF FATE. The Old Tack Puncturing Yarn in a Form of Thrilling Romance. From Punch. L “Grammercy!” quoth the Baron d’Agin- court, as he rolled off his bicycle Into a po- tato bed, “‘’tis a full-mettled steed! Me- thinks those varlets have fed him with over- much oll of late, so restive is he become. And, lack-a-day! My doublet is besmirched with mire! Thou smilest, I see, Agatha. There is but scant reason for merriment, shameless girl!” “Nay,” replied the beautiful Lady Aga- tha, as with exquisite skill she rode her dainty steed (a thoroughbred Coventry) up and down the terrace, “'twas not at thy mishap, dear father! Of a truth thou must be sorely bruised. Was not that thy sev- enth fall this afternoon? If [ smile, "tis but that I am happy.” “Humph!" said the baron, as he hopped painfully behind his machine, vainly en- deavoring to mount anew. “Happy, ch? And wherefore? Whom hast thou seen to change thy mood so since this morning? ‘Twas but a few hours ago that thou wast weeping over some trifle of a spilt oil can. Ah, Iam up at last!” “I have seen none,” said the lovely maid- en, with blushing cheeks; “‘at least, save only—”" She hesitated, doubtfully. ‘Whom, girl?” insisted her father. Sir Algernon Fitzclarence.” With a desperate swerve the baron rode toward her, his face purple with passion. “What, thou hast chosen to disobey me again? Talking with him whom'I had for- bidden to come within twenty leagues of my castle! Now, by St. Humber, both thou and he shall rue this day! I say that——” The baron’s skill failed him once more, and he was shot off into the gooseberry bushes. Nay, hear me, dear father——" Cease!" rcared the angry baron. “What ho, there! Lead the Lady Agatha,” he commanded as twenty men rushed forward in ¢rswer to his summens, “into the upper’ dungeon. And, varlets, bring me the stick- ing plester.” ° Il. ‘Twas midnight. Alone in the dismal cell to which her father’s cruelty had consign- ed her, the Lady Agatha wept unceasingly. Sleep came not to her weary eyes; she paced restlessly up and down or gazed through the narrow bars of the window ever the moonlit landscape. Suddenly she started! Was it fane: Ney, ‘twas a human voice, manly, resonant and strong, that sang beneath her window. She could catch some of the words: O swectest blossom of the lea, O daintiest flower of the field! For love, for hopeless love of thee My reason must her kingdom yield. Good heavens! It was Algernon Fitz- clarence! Across the land, across the main, A single steed shall bear us twain. He was ascending by a ladder! His face eared at the window Ah, darling Agatha,” he said, “news was But dry my sWeet! See'’—he snapped the rs with the little finger of his the cage is broken. Two of the swiftest wheels are saddled for us at the casule gate. Let us fiy together: . . . * . . Noiselessly the gallant steeds fliited along’ the read. “Were’t not best to light our lamps?’* whispered Agatha. “Methinks that the age councillors of the parish——” ay, I fear them not,” said the intrepid Fitzclarene: ‘Enough for me is the light of thine ey Suddenly their steeds slackered pace si- multaneoushy, and a faint hissing sound was heard. ‘They looked at one another and groaned, “We are punctured!” cried Agatha. It $ too true. At the foot of a steep hill they dismounted, their tires flabby, shapeless, useless. Fitzclarence passed his hand over, the ground. “As I thought!” he said bitterly,“ 'tis thy father that hath contrived this! He hath scattered tin tacks broadcast over the poad to foil our attempt to escape! But we will baffle him.” For some minutes he worked his air pumps i ce. Sudderly a sound was heard at gatha grew deathly pale. It was the ant note of a bicycle bell! “We are pursued!" she cried. “Let us fly, Algernon.” “We cannot,” said her practical love! tires are almost empty. We can bu’ our doom bravely!" Louder and louder came the noise of whir- ring wheels. Then—a whir, ahd the baron, breathless, pale with terror, went by them like a flash of lightning! Fitzclarence under- stood in a moment what had happened. The baron was but an unskillful rider and had allowed his machine to run away with him down the hill! ‘To stop him was impossible. He went along the highway for thirty-two and a half miles, and then, with a last despairing yell, he vanished over the cliff, still seated on his steed, and was buried beneath the waves of the English channel. So Fitzclarence end satha returned to the castle and lived hap- pily ever after. WHEN “the meet eee BURGLARS CO Ee. How Two Cool-Headed Women Man- aged With Entire Success. From the Bosten Globe. To scream is a convenient but doubtful ex- pedient, and few enongh of us have just the courage to meet the situation as did Mrs. Lorillard. She had come home one night from the opera, kindheartedly dismissed her tired maid and began to undo the jewels from her hair when a reflection from her irror showed her an unmistakable mascu- line foot, clumsily clad, half protruding from beneath the bed. When all the ornaments had been removed she went across to the bedside, knelt and softly began her prayers, which somehow that night were more hearty and generous than ever before. She prayed for her friends and family, for the needy, and then in a placid voice for any who might be tempted to commit crimes. An uncontrollable sob in- terrupted her devotions, and a gaunt, hun- gry-looking, red-headed man crawled out from hiding, blubbering like a small boy. urned out to be an ex-coachman of the who had fallen from grace into crime, his extraordinarily tender sensibili- tles must sooner or later have brought him to grief and a jail. Not only did his late mistress forgive him and bestow on the re- pentant wretch sufficient to relieve his dis- tress, but made him up with her own hands a comfortable lunch from the ice box and lighted him out the area door, after a severe lecture and receiving his solemn assurance of reformation. On the whole, though, women are cool and plucky in dealing with burglars, and it was Mrs. James Kernochan who, all alone, one night, in her country house, save for ser- vants on the top floor, caught a glimpse over the transom of her bedroom door of a familiar se. He watched her as she counted a roll of bills, drawn that day from the bank to pay her household expenses, but she continued to make up her accounts, contriving to affix a mark.on every bill, and the whole sum, amounting to several hundred dollars, she rut carelessly in her dress drawer, blew out her light, got into bed, and heard very dis- tinctly when the theft was made. By 11 o'clock the next morning both thief and bilis were returned, and in this instance quiet ac- quiescence had undoubtedly saved the lady’s life. —_ BEAUTY IS NO INHERITANCE. Cosmetics do not beautify, but often destroy a healthy complexion, A natural rosy and healthy complex- ion cannot be had by the use of cosmetics, but only ‘through the health of the body in general. Noth- ing is better to secure this result than the genuine imported Carlsbad Sprudel Salt when taken early in the morning, before breakfast (about a small teaspoonful dissolved in a tumblerful of water). It clears the complexion and produces a healthy color. Best taken when outdoor exercise can be had. Obtain the genuine article, which has the signa- ture of “EISNER & MENDEL- SON CO., Agents, New York,” on the neck of every bottle. World's Fair! HIGHEST AWARD. IMPERIAL RANOM, The STANDARD and BEST prepared FF OOD Prescribed by physicians. Relied on in hospitals. Depended on by nurses. Indorsed by the press. Always wins hosts of friends wherever its supe= rior merits become known. It is the safest food for convalescents! Is pure and unsweetened and can be retained by the weakest stomach. Sold by DRUGGISTS EVERYWHERE! my18-s John Carle & Sons, New York. a ‘Everything the Very Finest And the finest of c' rything—in the w of imported and domestic _groceri sured of here. And allied to the quality are rkably ing high ble prices, As an instan t Selected Burbank Potatoes, 48e. bushel! CF We solicit a trial order and gual antee thorough satisfaction in every in- stance. Barker, 7%. Do you know that electricity is a cheaper, better, safer and more re- liable power than steam? It makes a better light, too—better for stores— better for offices. It ts us far abead of gas as the modern electric locomotive is abeud of the old stage conch. We furnish power only. Telephone us to turn it on. . U. & ELECTR C LIGHTING ©O., 213 14th street. "Phone 77. Dentistry. ‘The assoc! plan (an expe-t for exch branch) ives the highest skill at the lowest cost, and ae with our special appliances insures pain- operat ions Tuvarlabiy.” We glad to make an esti- mate on your dental needs— gratis, of course. gab7 Svecial—Fine Gold Crowns, U. &. Dental Assn., Cor. 7th and D N.W. al 0c18-204 GET THIN! Dr. Edison’s Obesity Pills, Salt and Bands Take Off Fat. From her dence on H street, Mrs. Jane Hur ley Thomas writes: “I bave now taken Dr. Edi- con's Obesity Pills and Fruit Salt five weeks, They bave reduced me 29 pounds and greatly im proved my tov fat line and abdomen.” Writing from the State Department, Julla Lioy@ Dana says: “Dr. Edison's Obesity Pilis and Sait have, in seven weeks, reduced my t 39 pounds end rendered me much more graceful, ax well aa healthy, 1 am recommending them ‘to fat lady fries F Writing from the Washington Woman's Ciub, te Richards Reiznolds says: “Dr. Fdison’s aud Salt have reduced me about 33 pounds 58, cured me of indigestion and completely ed unsightly Uver spots which had long maired iy complexion.” Col. Thomas West, Treasury Depariment, rvs “1 have, in four weeks, reduced my abdomt measurement 9 inches with Dr. Edison's Obcaity, Ba: ‘Obesity Pilis, $1.50 a oottle, or three bottles foe . enough for one treatment Coesity Fruit Salt ts $1 a bottle. Obevity Band, any size up to 36 Inches, is $2.50% 10 cents extra for *ach additional inch in length. ‘Send all mall, express or C. 0. D. orders to us, A lady expert will be at E. P. Mer:z’s Pharma: 1ith and F sts.. every day hereafter to explain t thods of reducing flesh by our obesity treatmenty as LL ASSORTMENT OF DR. EDISON'S GOODS ARE KEPT IN STOCK AT BE. P. MERTZ'S PHARMACY, 11th and F nw. Cc. G. sIMMS’ PHARMACY, 246 NY. ave. Om 4 for “How to Cure Oberits,”” 24 ne coe by distinguished authors; numer ous (instrations and 200 testimonials. Mention address exactly as given below: LORING & CO.. General Agents, United States, Xo. 113 State street. 42 W. 22d street. ‘Tommy Jones 1s an awful bad e called me ‘an other,’ and ‘an other’ is a dreadful name.” Mamma—‘I don’t think ‘an other’ is such a dreadful name.” Bobby—“Oh, you don’t know! Why, ‘an other’ means a nasty, mean, Injun-giving stuck-up pig.” “How does my little boy know Vell, you see— Oh, just cos.” = Murder in His ’Art. From the Boston Trapscript. Prospective Tenant—"I was given to un- derstand that this house was a mile away from the railroad, but I hear a steam whistle this very minute. I can't stand the noise; it just drives me wild.” Prospective Landlady—“But, my dear sir, that is not a steam whistle; it is only my son practicing on the flute.” Prospective Tenant cannot coerce a railroad company + you know; but one can kill a boy. Yes, I think I'll take the room: ‘The best way to avoid scalp dise: hair fall- ing out and premature baldness is to use the best Preventive known for that purpose—Hall's Hair Renewer, ;| baldness is Curable! OI Hundreds of unsolicited testimonials | prove that LORRIMER'S EXCELSIOR «| HALR FORCER ts the greatest remedy for + Balcness ever discovered. It will p.sitive- e ly force a profusion of hair on the baldest head at any age, po matter from what exuse the ba'dpess arises, and after a other remedies bave failed. It cures bald patcies, acanty partings, hair falling out, dandruff, scurf, weak spd thin eyelashes and eyebrows. It will restore gray and fod'd to its original color. It will abso- lutely produce a luxuriant growth of Whiskers and Mus! bes on the smooth- without in y to the most deli- tral, arvel) Contains no dy grease or any harmful gredients. Rrepared by Lorrimer att ’ * Sc. and $1 per n- & Co., bottle. ACKER & KEN- i429 Penna. ave. NER'S 5 Call and get a ds riptive circular. nol-1mo* “THE CONCORD HARNESS,” Blankets and Lap Robes in great and at lowest prices. LUTZ & BRO., 497 Pa. Ave. N.W. (Adjoining National Hotel) Horse ety n2-16d