The Daily Worker Newspaper, August 14, 1926, Page 10

The Same Old Disarmament Conference (italy, France, England, America and Japan are seated at a conference table, in fashionable clothes, with high hats, and Immense pistols and ammuni- tion belts slung outside their frock coats.) America: with annoyance)—But we agreed to disarm. That’s what we came together for; wasn’t it? England—And we haven’t got anywhere. Uncle Sam, you are the only one that has offered anything. France (scornfully)—yYes, to disarm a Staten Island ferryboat. That’s no sacrifice. Italy—No, Uncle Sam has everything he needs, that’s why he’s so generous. We Italians will only disarm after every working man has been killed off, and we own the Mediter- ranean. ° * France—We French neéd Africa. ask us to disarm? Japan (shouting)—We Japanese want China—- that’s all! England (exploding)—-We English want our empire! America (soothing them)—Here let’s not quar- rel. I'll disarm two of my ferryboats if that will help. Come on, boys, throw something on the table. Let’s get somewhere... France.(angrily)—We want Africa, sacre bleu! Japan—China, hogi sluma! Italy—-The Mediterranean, sapristi! England—tThe empire, god damn! America—Gentlemen, gentlemen—pléase re- member you are gentlemen! (Enter Switzer- land, dressed as a waiter,.and bearing tray. He has a little tin sword around his. waist and a cap pistol in his hand.) : Is it fair to Switzerland (obsequeiously)Did you ‘ring gentlemen? Any orders? = America—Here’s Switzerland, our’ waiter again. Let’s have another, drink. France—Yes, I'm dry. A pint of absinthe and|_ glory for me, please. Italy—A gallon of chianti, murder and Fascis- mo. Quick! Japan—A quart of rice wine and the Pacific ocean. England—aA barrel of ale, respectability, and empire. America—-Waiter, just a little boat-load of bootleg, and the whole cock-eyed world as a chaser. Switzerland—-Yes, sir, yes, sir! America—Make it snappy. Switzerland—yYes, sir! America—Don’t shoot off any firecrackers or play around on the way, or we'll fill you full of lead! We're thirsty. Switzerland—yYes sir. (Leaves). By MICHAEL GOLD. (The conference starts yelling and quarelling again.) America—(pulling out his pistol and rapping on the table for order)——-What is this, a prize fight, or a peace..conference? Gentlemen, : let’s: havea minute’s peace, anyway. This thing can’t go on forever. We’ve been here for six months now, and all we’vye agreed on is to disarm one Staten Island ferryboat. If this con- tinues we’ll be the laugh- ing stock of the world. France—But how can we give up anything? Nd- tions never do that. England—It’s against our tradition. Italy—Mussolini wouldn’t allow it. Japan—o0O, how I need you, Siberia! America (rapping again) — Can’t we agree on any- thing? All—No, no. Italy—Nations never agree. England—It’s against our glorious traditions. France—Even if we agreed we wouldn’t stand by our agreements. Look at Germany. Japan—yYes, everything is Germany’s fault. England—No, Russia’s. All—Yes, Russia, Russia, let us invade Russia. England—They killed the czar! France—Repudiated their debts! Italy—Kicked, qut the. bosses! Japan—Nationalized the women! England—And they freed Persia, the scound- rels! Italy—Let’s invade them. We must free Rus- sia from dictatorship! All (in a frenzy)—War, war, war, war, on Rus- sia! Down with Russia! Down with the working class! War, war, war! (they yell and dance and pound their guns on table and flourish them over their heads.) America (rapping again)—Gentlemen, peace, peace! Listen to me. listen to your Uncle I called this conference, but now we're in it, we must show some results. Everybody’s sick of war in our countries, and until we’re ready for the next war, we've got. to make our people feel good. Besides, how can you Europeans pay your interest on your mort- gages to me if you have such big armies? France—lIt’s all Russia’s fault. . Down with Russia! athe THERE b England—War, war! ae a America—Silence! If any of you interrupt mé again, I'll ram a cannon down your neck. We must have peace! The point is this: we are here to.patch up some kind of imitation of peace. We've got to put.on some, kind of show for the.boobs at home... They.. simply must be amused until the next war. Don’t you dumbbells understand that? I thought you were statesmen. You sound like’a lot of ham actors to me. ' England—But what can we do? has failed! France—yYes, shall we give up our. beautiful armies just for the sake of disarmament? Italy (sentimentally)—I just love my bombs, castor oil, Fascimo and dynamite. They are the spirit of youth! Don’t take away the only fun I have. Alli—Russia, Russia, let’s invade Russia! America (pointing pistol at them)—Shut up, or by George Washington, I’ll make Swiss cheeses out of every son-of-a-gun of yeh all. (Switzerland skips in lightly, juggling four glasses on a tray. He has his cap pistol in his hand, and shoots it off playfully. All the nations jump nervously). America (irritated) —-My god, you shouldn’t do that, you microbe! ‘Not a time like this. Switzerland (frightened)—But it is only a toy pistol, not a real revolver, like yours! Oh, pardon, pardon, messieurs! England (rising severely )—NMr. Chairman, we cannot pardon such frivolity. It is positively dangerous! Mr. Chairman, I have a solu- Every thing Switzerland. His toy pistol is dangerous to the peace of the world! a of the poor tourists! I second it. Japan—And the winter sports. ie the cheese consumers, I second it, 00. America—aAll those in favor, say aye. All—Aye, aye. Peace, we want peace! Switzerland (falling on knees)—But it’s only a toy pistol, please can’t I play with my little pistol? : ; AMERICAN IMPERIALISM. —By Vose Sam. (They continued). Won't you listen? | Al] (surrounding him, and levelling their big By god, I’ll make you listen, or plug you full of holes. (Signals to orchestra, and there is crashing of drums, etc.) Sit down and listen or I'll foreclose my mortgages on you! Re- member that you all owe me billions of dol- lars, (They sober up iminediately and sit down with serious faces.) France—Forgive us, Uncle, we forgot we were in hock to you! America (disgustedly)—What a lot of damn fools you Europeans are—thank god I’m Nordic and safe and sane! Now listent This’ thing has got to get somewhere. I’m sorry pistols at him)—No. You must disarm. Switzerland (handing.it over-—and bursting in- to a long childish wail)—Ah, aie—I don’t wanner disarm, I wanna play with pistols like all the big boys do, aie, aie, mommer, aie! tie (The nations .trike noble poses, cannon are fired, drums and fifes sound, and the orchestra plays a dozen national hymns as the disarmament confer- ence adjourns until the next one, and the 5,000 other conferences after it.) ii CURTAIN, tion for our diffiGulti¢s...I! move we disxtit PREGEREESES SO _ Bs chi loy