Chicago Daily Tribune Newspaper, March 14, 1875, Page 3

THE CHICAGO TRIBUNE: SUNDAY, MARCH 14, 1875.—SIXTEEN PAGES. jboss by the authorities t> bave lanatics at ancng sane men. It certsinly affords » qleasaat enisode occasionsLy to have a lunatic jasb oat somebody's braina. It sugzes:a a uew of conversation. In the three wards of fhis baitdiog there wera at least six insane people; eating and sleeping with those of sound Pind. Perhaps this is, after all, only another feep stroxe of policy on the nart of the authori fies to aid va the noble work of depopulation. ‘As sl u-trating the humacity that was forever bubbing up frem O'Bneu's charitable heart, I may mention the cxee of ‘TRE PLIND Boy. qhe Blind Bov, a8 ho was universally known, gs insane, but generally quite pacific and mild. One day, however, Le obtained possession of a broom-bandle, and amused himself by strik- ing at theiomates as he hoard them pass. O’Brien ghsoced along while the boy was engaced in this exercise, and pounced upop him, He got him down upon the floor, pounded and strangled bim, sud then dravged him into s cell, aud Incked bim up. Tae buy tore out a lot of bricks + from the wall and esceped throogh the aper- tore. He got down out of the building and nearly to the road, when O'Brien and three other men pursued and caught him. They all four fellupon bim, and beat and kicked him, and then dragged him back into the cell, where be hasever since been confined. It muct have afforded those men great joy and inward eatefaction to attack in eo brutal a manner a Dos showas both blind and insane. A greater tuumpl could scarcely be conce:ved. i there a record kept of the QUANTITY AND QUALITY OF CLOTHING given out tothe Cook County paupers? If 80, dow many yisees of clothiug have peen given out by the Warden of the Puor-fonse during the past year? Ilooked in vain during my three dase’ residences in tho Poor-Honse for asicglo slean, whole garment. Jt is trae that 1 did not eco every one of the 1,209 inmates. Perbspa the Warden gives clothiag only to those mates eho never go out of doors, I know that saw and inspected clozely more than balf of the paupers. Op such inspection Isaw airt,—posi- tive filth,—tatters, and absolute vakednese. “Gutter Snipe” was no moro iils-clad chan at feset one-third of the inmates, aud ho was in at need of anew eusthronghoat. Stocking- jeus feet and gaping shoes, bare legs below the kroo,—nhat kind of a condition is this in wintsr weather oven for paupers? Sevaral shivering wrotches told me that thev had re- peatedly tried to get clothes from the Assistant Warden. but had never succeeded, although tho store-room was filled with clothing. “ow DO YOU LIKE KIMBERLY?” Lasked frequently of paure:s with whom I was in conversation. Generally they were re apnch eurprised at such a question, and stadic s minate before they answered. ‘they had never thought cf him as subject to likes or dislikes. ‘Lhe Warden was too high up,—too far removed. Gometimes they might say: “Ob, be don't notice us at all, at all, an’ we piver gay him excipt from the wind) Sometimes they would say : “ Who's Kimberly ? Shore, I niver beard the kes av him befour.” ‘The Waiden was pointed ont to me one day es he was walking from the Poor-House to the Asslam. He looked very ‘‘ swell” aghe stalked aloug in bis fine clothes and glosay hut, with a cigst in bis month. Kimberiy was up here in the ward once about a month ago,” said a fellow-pauper to me. ++ What did he do ?” I inquired. “He looked in at the door, and then went straight ont,” Feehed tbe pauper. ‘Even taking # look in atthe door once s month isa.good tamg, and givea tho Warden certainly some title to Lis salary. Nove of tbo officials were popular witn the inmatca,—which is not to be wondered at, to be sare. —_——— THE POTTER'S FIELD. ‘THE PAUPED'S LAST NOW. ‘There is always 8 dismal kind of romance at- tached tothe paper's borial-piace. ‘There is something in its aucient name, in its utterly eorrowful and cheerless character, that bas rea- dered it pecoliarly adapted to the wants of the novelist and tbe diamatis:. Hence the Potter's Field has figured from the oldest times ic fiction. Even poetry hes been employed to dress up its sombreness, and add to sts unresl reality. The cofin of the drunkard sattling over the pavement to the pauper's grave-yard isa common frontispiece upon temperance tracts, to stir the hearts of the rising genarstions agaivat the terrible effects of the intoxicating Lowl Ard, it mav be added, however often the picture is produced in the mind, whether by tract, or tale, or rnymo, or sermon, it is always frosh and effective. It may not always remain a lesson, but it nvarab!y provokes x shudder. When wo analyze this profound feeling caused by the mere picture of the Potter's Field, it ts ea:iiy scon thst this sensation of mingled pity, Qisgnst, and horror is not against the Fieid aa = cometery. It is athe idoa of dying friendless, forlorn, and unknown. ‘fo thoeo people who sre actuated io their daily lives by ambition, yearnings for fame, establishment, and popu- Janty, the Potter's Field is most horrible. The pocr aud ismorant resiat it from traditional pride. ‘The cemetery attached to the Poor-House is tlgo the receptacte forthe unknown desd from every part of Cook Conaty. Being so distant from the city, it is little visited except by corpses. Daring my brief sojourn at the Voor-Honss, I roauzzed to see it nader circumstances woich, if not of the most sgrecable nature, were certainly interesting aod novel. I became a semi-olficial, tout ia ta way, A GRAVE-DIGGER. It may be woli hero to state that the samo besut.fal systom which the autbonities apply to xbie-bodied panpersis equally applicable to the ying end the dead.’ Thus, suppose a patient at the Hospital Las but a few hours in which to ixeatho the mundave air : orders are issued for his cofiz, and promptness of delivery is strictly enjoined. Sometimes the patient may cling to the tender thread of existence a few hours long er than was calculated nzon. In that case his ‘coffin is broopht m and STOOD UP AGAINST THE DOOR, GBmute remonstraut against such useless and Fain strogelo with fate. As soon as dead, the body is wrepped in coarse cioth, lifted into the soffin, and carried down-steirs to tne dead-house it remains—how Yong, think you? Why, until enough bave accumulated for & good! meigh-load. But they never Ve to wait Jong.—sometimes a day, sometimes a talf day. ‘Then the sleigh is harnessed to a yoke of oxen, and brought around to the door ‘Of the dead-lousa, the coffins are brought out ‘0d stacked up in the sleigh like cord-wood, und the procession commences. - | There are three grave-diggers—inmates a5- Bigned to this duty—who sccompany esch load, perform the last rites. which are troly sadder than at any Chrisusn burial. Asit ‘was niy desire to accompany a party of cadavers tothe Field, Lingratiated myself into the confi- ‘dence of one of the grave-dizgers. This grave- ligger was a man of serious air, a8 became one of his profesion. My first. criticiam upon 8 appearance was that he aid not jook Tike air. McVicker. He who dog for poor Iphelis was not a brate. He was a cogent ond (witty reasoner, and decsntly apparelod withal. ‘ OUB FOOR-HOUSE GEAVE-DIGGER Fe none of theso. His clothing was unpatched, Shig face was void of intelligence. In his Moth he continually carried a quid of tobacco. s modicum of which, I learned, waa be- ‘#tow upon him as scompliment to bis eminent Servitg in behsit of tho dead. ; : Thisravo-digger I captured by s series of Sarefi jrances, It was necessary to deal teoderyith him, for be oocupied an exalted and sem, fFcinl position, and wore s somewhat cootempinng expression toward the inferior panpers. ‘length I managed to introduce tbe subject © prave-digging, expressed my predilection for that noble profeasion, and etated tansiety to become initiated into ics sublime treries. Ho listened to me kindly, Offered me & -rq of encouragement, and even said be wouldy snd get me an opportunity to terve in that tortang station. Gn the second dsy of my arri¥. he informed me that the oxen were to be brota ont, and added that I might goalong with bii ‘At about 2 0'cl0 jn the afternoon THR tion DROVE UP. Ticllowsd my jon to the dead house. ew ‘yard he pointed out to me several bed ticka Iv? 57 the’ ground, and ex- pict that they be 264 to the people who died the previc’nicht, He said it was easy to keep track ot a ‘dead people, ss one had only to count Hoo ober of ticks 10 the yard every mor! ‘We found at the ” desd-house tf cine diggers god the driver_ of the ox-, ire was an eazy of unconcern v4 258 men that struck me as [alan eanmeretee! tothe occasion, As we call Otte poses ‘snd dumped them in the sleid Ou! Sap pleasant * aod jocular remarks were ind?a710Ns Bcoeart S38" fication of the amall crowd of pened to bea lnot-bole, at which one of the men exclaimed. Fe ae This un's gota windy to look out ‘The people thought this was the joke of the season. There waa one excoptios, however,— the little, crippled, -pale-faced girl. She buret out crying, turned to » woman standing near, and sobbed: “Ob, Jennie! if I dio, don't let those avtal men come near me! Don’t let me be buried here! ob, don't!” ‘The woman appeared greatly affected, and led Marin got all aboard, the pro- faving got our passen; aboar: cession formed inte, aad, started towards the burial-pround, Hirst went tbe driver at the head of the ox-team, with hia long whip in band, which ho cracked over the beads of the unimals, accompanying each motion with woeifer- ous remarks not always elegant. After the oxen, of course, the bearse—I mean the sleigh—with of long wooden boxer. ‘The grave-diggers brought up the rear, and thus we passed out of the back-yard, followed by nundreda of eyes. I noticed that my companions held up their headr, and stepped with an air of coascous pride an Roe estanes back of the county buildings, on 3 bleak, open prairie, unprotected from the eun of summer and tho sleet of winter, there is ‘A LITTLE PLAT OF GROUND, called by « name that is faauliar to overs En rlish-speating tongue in both hemispheres. Beveral long hummocks of earth alono broke the dead level. ‘nese appeared to be formed by the joose earti thrown iu trenches, 28, indeod, they were. Pousing af tke ond of theso elongated dillocks we found » ditch recoutly daz. Without farther ceremony we ap- plied ourselves to the task of letting the boxes down side by side by means of ropes. Ae soon aa sicigh was uvioaded the driver turned hia oxen bomeward, leaving us to complete the job. We shoveled the earth and anow into the wreneh- 3 until they were noarly full, when we, too, shouldered our tools. and marcacd merrily back to the Poor-House, ‘Ihe day’s task was over. A few more paupers wore buried and out of tbe way. Ont of a world of misery and want—s world of tou, yexatiou, und bheaviness,—e world which had greoted youth with a stare, had frowa- ed upos machood, aud had persecuted and ha- rassed old aga down into tne gloom of the Valicy of tne Shadow of Deatu. ——- ESCAPE. HARDER ‘20 GET OUT THAN IN. It ie cnrious to reflect upon how easily one may be infinenced by his enrroundinga. ‘For that matter, we are all more or Jess creatures of circumstances, growing up according to the character of our birth-place in life. But, even after haviog become thoroughly accustomed to and identified with our station'and mode of living, a change of piace and association will eventually alter our whole principle of action, our ideas, and our chsractar. So frail is the haman mind! Living arong panpors during three days, im- bibing their sentiments, sharing to the full their discomforts and their sorrows, I began almost imperceptibly to think of myself as really one of them. At fiat I bad bean obliged to exert myself to act my part; gradually thé tssk became easier; till, firaily, I foand myselfjalmost wondering waether I had ever been anything els. Whst was this power- fal yet slender boad which united moto the outer world? How frail the barrier, undistin- guishable to any aave myself, which separated me from these wretched ouccaats about me? It seemed as if tho slighte-t of azencies might snap them boch asunder. oud lesva. mo o pavper in trath, Hea ing the tyrannical voica of the ' boas paupor, Linyoluntarily shront back with schadow of tua tertor which held my associates. I kaew, of course, thatI need bave no approtieusion, ‘and that a motion from me would trenster me back to cha world. Yet, such was the inttuencs of surroundings, that I was subject to the emotions Thave descrited. The time came at length when I must leave the Coo County Poor-House. I had seen all that ic was fossible for me to see in the capacity of an inmate, and taere was no longer quy ce- ecesity forme t> remain. I determined to go. Ax this point L was snddenly VEXED WITH 4 PROBLEM, — Ithsd been easy enou, for mo to get into the Poor-House: would it o¢ a3 simpie to get out,— that is, withous exposing mv identity? | £ had beard msvy stories told 2d.ut inmates who bad endeavored to break away, and who bad been brought back like jail-birds. St:l, I conld do no more than to maze the attempt. On tne afternoon of the third dav. I starced cat. Before going, I took the procantion to write my name and address on tho sallof our room, where Mr. Kumberty may find them sf beshould doubt the suthenticity of this narrative. z The Poor-Hoase and Asylum are situated on the brow of a sheht hill, overlooking the road forslong distance in either direction. {1 was almost impossitie to escapa without boing observed. Whether they would oppose my egress or not was the ebsorbing qucs- tion, I determmed to walk bravely end openly ont, aa if not anticipating any interroytion. Accardingiy, without saying “gwoid tomy feilow-paupere,I left the ward, weot down-stairs, and walked straight past the main building towards the road, Jooking neither to the right, nor the left, nor the rear. I had proceeded about 100 yards down the path, and was congratulatiny myself on my easy extrica~ tion, when I heard s A SHOUT BEUIND ME, I did not turs around, bat continued on my way, ‘Tbe shout was repeated, and soon I heard quick footsteps coming down the path. I knew that it would be useless to ron; oI stopped and Jooked betind me. Who should I see running down the path but O'Brien, the old “boss pau- per”? He osme upto me, shaking his fist an- grily, but he did not dare to strike me, as be was alone, ‘Where ve going now?” he asked in a loud voice. + Ob, L was only taking a litte walk,” eaid I. “Well, ye can’t take no walk. Juat walk right back to where se belong, and stay-thera.” My reply hsd evidently thrown him off tho tract aod mollitied his suspicions. I concinded I had betrer go back aud wait for a better opportunity of escape ; 80 I turned and retraced my steps back to the ward. Isat down and began to reflect. Having had stente of liberty, even though fora moment, my appetite for a longer stay in pauperdom was tely spouled. I grew anxious and ex- com, cited. The more I thought upon it, the more ojions the ‘piace’ became, and the more i was determined to lesve at al hazards. I felt that.I wouldo’t for worlds stay there another night. Happening to gee ‘'Gutter-Snipe,” I remembered having heard that he made frequent secret excursions to Norwood Park and Jefferson, and I thougat that perbaps he could show me | & DSTTEB WAY OF ESOAPE than the ons I bed just chosen, Therefore I catled to him and asked him how to get out of the grounds without being seen, as I wanted to godown to Norwood Park. He told me, with Many pantomimes sod grimsces, after consid erablo hesitation, that there was 8 path leading from the back part of the yard across the field, foming the road adout x quarter of s mile distant. Having given him assurances that I would keep it secret, I left him. ‘Going down to the point indicated I found, sure enough, the path leading northwards. ‘he rear of one of the large buiidings protected any one from observation for a distance of several hno- dred fest. Afver that it was only a shoit ran to an orchard in the rear of s farm-house. Beyond ‘that, one would be effectually screened from ob- servation. I started, and met with no mischance. Resch- ing the farm-house, I found a young man who janaly showed me a wagon-track scroas tha ficlds to Jefferson, one and a half miles distant. I found the wagon-track, although it was buned in many places by the snow-drifta, and tramped actoes to Jefferson, Inquiring of agaloon-keep- er when the Aer are would eave for Chicago, he _ sai re was none that night; but if I would walk -dowa the railroad track a mule, to the junction of the Milwaukee Road, I might catch a train at the crossing. Accordingly I sat outagain, and when I arrived at the junction depot {found that tbere would bea train onthe Northwestern Bosad in abont an hour's timo. It was then nearly 6 o'clock, and :getting dark, Iwas cold, and my feet were wet with snow. The depot closed a: &, leaving me once more OUT IN THE COLD, - which was now quite intense. Iwalked up and down sbe ratiroad track, uttering dio threats against the Jefferson saloon-keoper, who, through ignorance or mischief, bad given ms wrong informtion. Long aftcr dark my heart was giaddened by seeing a red light in the dis- tance, It was the Northwestern train coming down to Jefferson, It came thundering down the track, aud atopped, according to regulations, 100 fees from tae crossing, I jumped aboard, nd way soon rapidly borne back to Chicago. —_— ADDENDA, OTHER POINTS. To summing up this narrative, the reader's at- tention is called to the fact that it pretends tobe ‘no more or leks than it fa,—a record of the actual experience ef ® pauper daring « thres days’ atey at the Poor-Honte. Henco many points of interest have been omitted, ‘flus, no referenca bos been made to the female department of the institution. The sexes are absolutely isolated, and therefore it, wea not possi sible for tho writer, io his charactor of a pauper, to gain access to the women’s ward, or, indead, to obtain any information whatever about them, Eo believes, howevor, that their condition is no better thau the men’s, ‘There is one other very important ficld for in- vestigation, whercin he failed for the samo rea- son as above, and that is THE SALL-POX HOSPITAL. ‘There are four out-houses, scattered about the grounds, for the reception of those sick with the emall-pox. One is the pest-honse, an- other is the recoverlng-honse, while the two re- maining ara used as hospitals for men and Women respectively. Access to auy of thcne Pleces is prevented, and there was no possible way of arriving at any knowledge of how they wereconducted. Infact, itisdoubtful if even the officials in Chicago know many patients there are and how many have died dunng the past fow weeks, Its for the interost of the Poor-House Suthorities to keep the particulars to them- selver. In regard to the instances, related in this nar- katie, of * CRUELTY To THE SICK AND THE WEAK-MINDED, a word of explanation may be necessary. Every case to which Tue ‘Inmune representative wos not -a witvess, was elated to him by the iomates, who were under zo inducement to exacgerate or invent. On the contrary, they showed in their whole de- meanor a reluctance to disclose any fects, lest they should be visitei bythe wiath of the author- ities, Further, every case mentioned im the nar- rative was not only cold by one inmate, bat wes fully corroborated by tho others. ‘The question ig not wherhot these things ara true, but whether the tenth part has been told. Thero ai6 various OTHER ABUSES which the reporter noticed. Tor instance, there isthe mstter of tobacco. The connty is sup- posed to furnish the pausera with a moderate quantity of this cheap luxury each weok. ‘Tho voor-House authorities only furnish it to those who aro able to work. Tas writer bas seen poor old paupers nlouge their trembling bands into ewill-batrols and tish out coffee and tea-grounds from the garbage; this, when dried, forming their substitute tor tobacco. Some time ago the authorities abolished ealt, considering it as o useless fuxary. For one whote month no salt was used upon the food or in ita preparation. But they finally wore obliged to restore it. Why? Bocause they found that the absence of salt from tho swill was FATAG TO THE CATZIE. Paupers might dio, but ca:tle muat be saved. Waen thoy restored salt, they took away butter and pctatoes, In conclusion, it is pertinent to asi, Who is to blame for the present thoroughly bad manage- ment of the Poor-House? Mr. Kimberly ts to biame for one, because, though nomually War- den, he feaves tho entire cherge of the institu- tion to irnorant and brotel undezstrappers.. The Committee ou Public Charitics of the Board cf County Comissioners are to blame, for their niggatdly allow imee of food, and for their col- Iusion with the Warden in overlooking the brutalitios daily inflicted upon the wratched n- mates, “MEINE SCHAETZE¥ A feded curlof chestnut afr, and a bundle of time- worn le:tera, A ring anda withered white rose-bud, are all that are left to 10; But they speak to me with s mournful voice, and bind my heart in fotters, And bid me ne'er forget my Indéie that went to sem, Brlzht were his eyes, of Love's own hue, Heavenly, faituful, and ten ler (Lae; But those yas are many a fathou: deep, ‘And under tho waves he lics asleep. Tk was many 9 weary year ago, and then these faded tresres. Were bright as the stn-light that softly falls on me:dow, b1!l, and plain Full well do I romemier how tenderly his caresses Fell cn my foroiead, and eye, and lip, which they ne'er may touch agafa ; For those lips that nine havo pressed so oft ‘With Love's puro Kisses, warm and aoft, Are silent ever; for his breath ‘Waa hushe2 with the ail_nt kise of Death, His bravo ship out of the harbor sailed, one glowing Sammer-27™, ‘When the son smu down im rediance bright in the crimeon-tinted West: ‘His lips were wreathed with smfes as aweet as those of the Saints in Heaven, ci a2 he clsoped my sobLing form to his true and faithful breast, But thst heart, thst o'er beat trae to me, Lies doep beneath the cal, blue #33, ‘Waere mermaids chant a dirgo above The tilent sleep of him I loro, So I sit beside my fireside bright, and dream of by- gene hosrs, : Ere my ship sailed out with my lover true toa land soud tho goa i Bat the un bes set, and the night is dark, and desd are the Su.sumez-dowers, And many 8 noblo ship sails home, but he never re- turns tome. Bat I keep my ring and withered rose, ° ‘And wat:h each ship a4 it comes and goca, ‘Aud. long to sail to that unseen shore ‘Where wo shall mect egain once more, ‘Dezatape, And Cxicaco, Always the Same, Detroit Wree Press, ‘When 2 woman enters 2 butchar-shop to select apiece of meat tor dinaer she has made up ber mind to take mutton roast, Therefore, when the butcher rubs his haads and aske what shs _ “TM jake some of that mut Buz etopsthere. Her eye hae ceught sight of # bam, and she suddenly decides to take ham. “Ty that nice bam ?” she uquires. “Best bam I ever sev, madam. How much ?” “ Well, you may give me three p——. Woll, I don’t know, either. My basband wes saying he'd lixe some sausage. Have you any reai nice sausage?” “Plenty, madam, sago willyoubave?” * It’s pork sausage, is it?” “Yes, ma'am.” “Wall, I suppose .s pound would be enough for oar small femily, but—but—.” . “Shall T weigh a pound, madam?” “T was just wondering if 2 veal pot-pie wouldn't sait him better,” he sugwereL =“ You have veal, I sappose 2” “Oh, yes, madaw. Here's a splendid bit of al—as goad s piece as I ever saw.” ‘Yes, that does laok ike nice veal,” she aoys, liftiag it op. “And you'll take it ?” “ yet's ree!” she muses. Y—no, I guess not, I guess I’d better take pork-chopa.”- “Nice chopa—how much ?" he aske. Now, then, how much sau- ve - “And you'll out the rind off ?” “Yes, madam,” $e “Woll,” she soys, heaving 3 dcep eich, “I guess you may give me somo beefsteak—somo that's nice, and be sure to cut ali the bone out!” ’, And she’s only been half an hour coming to the point, An American Painter in Paris, Paris Correspondence Snrmajieid (Mass.) Republican, ‘Mr. Healy, of Chicago, now has the stadio here once occupied by Wivterhalter, and where he painted his best pictures. I nover saw 60 fine room for a painter; the light is edmirable. Of Mr. Healy's pictures, one of the most striking is Longfellow in ‘an arm-chair, swoet and venerable, and his littie grandaughter tip- pg upto his ear with a whispered message, The whole thing is charming. Another picture of interest to me is that of the young Princess of Boumania, the wifo of Prince Charles. Wheu she arrived in Bucharest, the people presented her with » beautiful cos- tame representing the national dress, and here phe is standingin it in Mr. Healy's studio. It is short, reaching only to the boots, which are of a harmonious color with the dress, and loose and simple initself. Ou the opposite side of the room is the same young woman seated on a log ina picturesque spot, holding her baby quite before her face, while ahe whispers in her ear, “ Paps is coming,” apd papa ie peeping through the trees in happy concert, é ‘Mr. Healy 1s fa lof humor, aud makes excel- lent jokes, which accounts, I think, for the life likeness of his portraita, One of these bas been several times taken for the Duke de Nemours, and a friead, congrazulating him on the happy effort, ssid: “When did the Duke ait tor 2” “Oh, thatia vot the Dake,” said ar. ealy; that is a sovereiga.” “Ab,” said his friend,” with increased surprise, “s reigning sovereign?” “Yes, sir; a reigning sovercige des Etats Unis,” said Mr. Healy, with « twinkle in his eye, and his friend highly approciated the joke, no doubt: Close beside this was a sketch Gf one of our greatest sovereigns, Danie! Web- ster, just returned from hunting ¢ did not know be wae anything buta farmer at Merabfleld) taken in 18—the year, said Mr. Healy, that Punch said, “A.cat may look on @ King, but he must be mighty quick, now, or thare will be no ‘Kings to Jook at.’ i; ao WOMAN. Ten Years of Matrimonial Slavery. Why « New-Yorker Didn't Marry-— Home-Made ‘Shirts, A Man's Suit for Breach of Prom'se--~ Two Bridegrooms for One Wife. A Woman Who Thrives on a Diet o Pins. of Minor Feminine A Melange : Matters. MATRIMONIAL SLAVERY. _ ‘The following unique card sppoars in the San Tose (Cal.) Patriot: ‘NOTICE. All persons are beroby warned not to trust Mary E. Avorns (my wife), as sho har {eft my bed and board without just cause or provocition, and I will not pay any bill contracted by her from and after this dato, AN Josx, Feb. 6, 1875, Joux Anon, Mra. Aborns now comes fo the front and makes the following telling statement io reply to the above “warning” by hor non-crediting liege lord: ‘The nbovo notice appears daily in the San Jose Dail: Putrict, Why am T thus pubilaied to the world? Ani what human being on earth hos the right todo it? Let us look at the facts. I have been the wife of John Avorns for about ten years, and bigs bim during ‘the whole of that time—the prime of wy life, That makes 3,950 days, Daring thit time I have cooked about 10,000 mezls of victuals, set the table as mauy times, and clesred it off und washed the dishes. Dur- ing Wat ten years I have spent between 1,020 and 15,0) honrs ‘over _ahot cooking-stove, both in sum- mir and winter, I havo cleaned up ‘snd, swept bis houso for him ‘over 10,COd times, During thut ten years 1 have Lous to him six children, five of them How living, the youngest 234 yeara li. oaides the paing and safeties incident tochild-birth (hich every mother knows), what staps, cares, end troubles (to sy nothing of sickuess and anxious thoughts for my children) it hsa cost me to bring them up, ft fs imp.s- sible for me to says every mothcr knows it better than she can posuibly tell it, “In addition to that I bave made aif their clothing (besides my own), and during thot time I have a.so made clothing and dane sewing for others for money, which went into the ‘com- munity * fonds; that is, as I understand ft, all the property made by the husband and wife is community roperty, but in reality belongs to the husband, and it, Er clited in law“ comunity property," to take off the sharp edge of injustice, More than tliat, during those ten years I have milked, on an sverage, three cows tricd 2 day, which will make about 7,00J nuvkings, Yo- sides taking care of the milk and msking butter from it, I have, duriag the wholo of th«t time, attended to the pouitry, aud often have assisted Br, Aborns in loading’ bay, sewing sacks, and even iu cleening out stables, Now, have ‘drawn the pleture very mildly. I heve nado allowances for ay mckness, wien Tbave bad help, something after the wey taat a farmer would hiro a hotce it his own wus wick and unatls to work. Thai nothing when I went there, and notiiig at the end of those ten years of eervitude. Ihave hved, it 4s true, aud was very moderately fartished with cloth: ‘fhis ie sil for may Labor. What man is there in the world that woud do the work I have done for the game comreusation? Imeke thie s!.tement not out of ony feeling of revengz to Mr, Abosns, for be Lns done only what uundreds of others have dose, In mony respecis he {sa good man; industriour, und, ifke handreds— yea, thous nda—of others, honest with everybody ex- cept his own family, I choose to live with him no Yonger ; my reasons are my own. And,I say again, what right hs he to fmpair my credit by pubtishing me? In the name of all thats just I soiemaly pro- test aguiuet it, ‘Manx E, Anoays. ‘THE REASON OF IT. Says a New York paper: New Yorkis crowded with rich unmarried men, afraid of tho oxpense oi euprorting theso gilded butterflies. Thoro 1s abacholor at the Sixth Avenne Hotel whose in- come is $20,000 8 year, and still he says he can't offord to get married. He's ® proud fellow, and gays, a8 8 single man, he can have the best horses, best rooms, and best box at ihe opera, “Uf Tehould get marred,” ho said. “I would have to stint myee'f or overdraw my income.” “ How is that?” asked a friend, “Well, now, come into the parlor and (show you. You see, ladies are extravagaut nowadsys. They dresa go much more in Europe. I mean, thev don't wear rich diamonds like the women of Florence and Milan, but they wear euch rich drosuos, laces, shawls, and fore, Now, I'm proud, aca T' would vot want my wife outdress- ed, so-I have to seep out of tho marriage busi- ness.” “ Do you see that lady there?” he ing £ ‘0 fashivuaole caller. “ Yes.” “Well, she hason a $400 panniored, wattaued, polonaised, brown, gros-grain dress, and wear a$00coat. Sho wears a 31,20) caumel’s-huir shavl, and s $500 got of sable, while I wear a $70 overooat., She wears 8370 bonnet, while I wear an €$ hat. She wedts 200 worth of point applique and point acgile, while I wear 2 $6 shirt. Her shoes cost $15, and mine cont 312, Her ordinary morning jewelry, which is changed every year, not counting diamonds, coat $40; taiue cost §50,” “Well, how does it foot up?” “Why, the clothes sho tas on cost $2,226, and mine coat $206. and that is only one of her dozen otttits, while I onty bave—say three. Tho fact is,” said he, growing earnest, “1 couldn't begin to live in a brown-stono front with that woman oud keep up appearances to match,—carriages, church, dinners, opera, and seande, for $20,000. I'd have to become a vec ond-rate man, avd livein an 18-foot house, or withdraw over to Second avenue, and that I'll bo hanged if I do!” and he slung his fiat down into s nice silk hat in tho exocas of hig earneat- ness, id, point- BREACH OF PROMISE. : Boston Post: The injured young Englishman, Ar. Townsend, who for some timo past has been working in a London Court to compel the moth- er of the young Iady who jilted him to maze good his damaged affections in the sum of 315,000, has at last had bie case decided and been awarded 5 guineas. ‘The Judge's charge was the probable cause of those insignificant aamages, In his summing up he took a very gallant view of the case, and one which gave the jilted awain very little encouragement to prose- cute breach of promise suits in England. Len, said bia Honor, are not jvjured by a refusal on the part of their sweethearts to keep s promise marriage, while by the reverse working of the rale women suffer. Tho latter, who look upon marrisge and support by men as their ultimate forvtue, ato injured in their life pros pects bya reach of promise. A man is not thus iojured. He can gota living just as well as before, and has euffered nothing that money can repair. Moreover, 2 man is none the woree for being kissed for a sories of years, xs hap- pened in this case, while a woman, after being along time a subject of osculatory exercises, in not so actively in demand by other men after- ward. It may bea question whether thia was ood law, butit was good common sense. A reach of promise, by whomsoever brought, must leave affection out of the question. It is a confession that the plaintiff had other ends in view toan those of love, Ihe basis is purely a commercial one, and, when a man descends to such littleness, he does not deserve even & guinea, unless it18 shot at bim, sud- Mr, Town~ send’s fate should serve asa warning to other merceuary swains. ELAINE. Boston Sunday Times: But one day, two Bos- ton women with “views "atood before the pic- tare, and regarded it long and steadily, “Tdoa’t know,” said one of them reflectively (she was a gushing creature of 40 summers, with curls), “I don’t know if I regard Elaino’s course ag altogether womanly or proper. To anoounce her loveto Lancelot and the whole World in thet public way—no, no, it was not con- sistent with te highest fominine delicacy.” “don't know about that,” said her compan- ion, who svapped her words very short, and whoso drers and bair were. sbort, and whose figure looked like an exclamation point, “bat one thing I'do-know! - If the girl had worn her clothes suspended from the shoulders, taken off ber corsets, worn flannel drawers and prosd~ solod shoes, she'd never have pined away to that uickly fashion for any man!” . ‘TWO BRIDEGROOMS FOR ONE WIFE. Salem (Ore,) Statesman: A few daya wince a young man, hailing from the clasdic precincts of the La Creole, applied to the County Clark of Polk County for a license to marry a young indy, which the accommodating elerk issued. The same dayanother young man applied for slicense tomarry. The Clark was not in, and his deputy issued the license, ‘The two licenses were iesued forthe same N. ed to ibe Hons of his ameehin aoe Aled Opin pay aitire, they hastened to » minister's residence to have the ‘*Gnot tied" in regular orthodox styto. ‘While the ceramony- was being performed party Nv. 2 came panting ito the room, hin {20a fizshed and his almost broxen heart thamping perceptibly. In gaswer to the question if iher were any Who objected to the bans, No. 2 solled out he did, at the samo time presenting bis licenve duly issued’ and sigued by the County Clerk. Here was 3 quandary the man of God coulda’t get through hia clerical brain, and he etopped, leaving the ‘party unmarried, No. 1 cams to this city the next day to cousult an at- torney. He was in’s worldof tronble~frus- trated in his cherished desire of wedding bis lady love the day before, he wanted to appeal to tae lax, verhazs to place au fufucction on his rival, No.2 While No. 1 was tnking legal ad- vice No. 2 took the much-coveted Rose of Dallas to another dispenser of connubial ties. and was married. When he returned he found that while he had: gaiued his point’ as to law hia rival had gained his point in bis matrimony. HUSBANDS AND HOME-MADE SHI«TS. Troy Times: Aday or two ago, while cross- ing the ‘ice, wo overheard two ladies talking about a new dreza, and one of the ladies remark- ed that, ‘ When Itned it on, I aeked Rob if it was & good fit about the waist,” and he replied, “Well, Tahoutd say not. It fits abont sa well asa home-made shirt.” Thero was a yolume in Rob’s reply. As a rale, homo-made shirts don’t fitat all. They will drawin at the back and over tho shoulder to that extent that o fellow don’t know whether he ws ineased ins shoulder- brace ar « strait-jacket, The neck-band may not go iwlea around. sud tuck in belund, but it usually laps about 3 inches, or elze it ig cut 80 low. in the neck that a 24-inch collar is required to reach the collar-button. in leaning forward whan sitting, the bosom crashea in at tho ides aud projects in the middlo, looking more like: @ badiy-demoralized dust-pan thao auything else. . The leaves are so short ihat the large, 25-cent pair of cuff-buttons, selected with great cere, either tickle a fellow's elbows, or danele around his fingor-naila, nevor arziving at & compromise betwcon the extromes. The ukirts aro generally of an abbreviated character, making the affair resemble an overgrown round- abont. Men do vor like to tind fault, knowing that their wives meant well enoagh, and worked hard in makiag the gacments, but, when away from the house, they do not hesitate to asy that the desire of their hearta is that their wives abould go ont of the business. A WOMAN WHO THRIVES ON PINS, Kingston (Can.) Freeman, Thera isa Indy in the upver part of the city who is & fine subject for scientific investigation. Ste is s born pin-swailower. “We doa’t mean that she swallows botaviog-pins, bair-ping, or clothea-ping, but the emall pins so necessary for women in meking their toilets. And the strang- eat part of it is they sgreo with her,go she is wax- ing healthy and fat. Tho lady, hke ali women, formed the habit of holding pins in her mouth, and one day accidentally swallowed six. She was terribly alarmed, and ex- pected to die, but. day afcer day passed by witaout any trouble dcing experionced from this strange diet, 80 she became qui:e unconcerned aboutit. In less than a month after nearly, dozen slipped through ber lips, and sluo moved. oa gracefully down her taroat. No trouble whatever came from those either, and then it seoms the woman acqnirad an irresistible lizing forpius, Sbe swallowed half a dozen or 60 ev- ory now and thea, and, 23 this diethas beon con- tinged neatly a year, she must be pretty well lined with brass. When this Indy too bez first meal of brass she wes a slight, tragite being, m very bad health, Ina few weeks she begsn to improve, as we before sta‘ed, the more pins she sialluws the heaitaier she becomes. ARATHET MEAN ADVANTAGE. A party was given i #2ston, not long siace, that was marked by a peculiar specialty. It was csiled = “ majority party,” end no lady giest was allowed to bo present who was over 21 years ofage, The condition of sdmittence to the gay nasembly was publicly stated, and the exact ages of these invited were closely criticised: but, when the guests assemb'ed, some unusually ma- ture representstives of z1 years ware found among them. Women are not always kind ip covering up each other's fcibles, aud a member of this class, the daughter of aclereyman, was snre that one of her companions bad seen more years taan the pumber allowed. [er father had carted the yoang lady whose ago was the eub- ject of criticism, and an examination of the bsp- ptivmal temster plainly showed that the lady'e ago was 25. MORMON MARITAL V'EWS. Salt Lake Yribune: The pecutise marital views of these o.d Biahops and apostles are pe- culiarly distasteful to the young of both sexes. Thoy are constantly harping upoo the samo old stringe. The girls must not marry young men whose tastes (spesiing after the msoner of worldlings) are congénial, and whoss mutual ardor of attachment reoders the connubial state one of unmixed delight. They must curd tacir natural desires, moriify the flesh, live their re- ligion, and bear their cross. Maidens with the bloom of youth ov their check and tha ocatasy of Love's young drean:in their breasts muse mate with old Saints who already oumber half s dozen faded ont wives to their names, in order to secure fature exaltation. The enjoyment of time must be sacrificed to secure s higher station in eternity. € MARRYING WICOWERS. A widow relates in the [Tartford (Conn.) Cour- anthow, twenty yetrs sinco, sho married s wid- ower, and after s year’s bappy union ho died, and, just as he was breathing his last, raised his arms a if to embrace'some object, and ex- claimed, “My dsrling! my wife! Mary, 1 come!” That, shé cays, was & blow at hor beszt. Howevor, it does not seem to’ have discouraged her on the widower question, for after the lapse of ayearshe gave her whole heart to another widower and married bim, and for years was hap- py. But the husband chaoged, and, deserting her, left a note which read: ‘“‘ Madge, it is no fault of eithor yours or mine, but I go in search of kindred spirits, by the expressed commands of my angel wife. She bas spoken to me, and bide, me to keep myself free from all earthly jes.” A CALIFORNIA ROMANCE. This is the romance of s California pedagogue and his sweetest pupil: .“She entangled his heart, then cruelly jilted him. Therefore hey sought revenge, Catching her ina slight infrac- tion of the rules, heswung his birch-branch aloft, and commanded her to stand up and be whippad. She ran out of the door and like a deer across the fields tuward home, but her fleetness was of short duration, and the angry schoolmaster’s hand soop grasped ber arm. Her courage had ‘one with her wind, snd she offored then and ere to kiss and make up if he wouldn't whip her, He declined to compromise, led her back, and flogged her until blood came through the back of her dress. Her hour of exultstion came when she ssw him fined $50 for aseault.” EDINBURG'S BABY. y Brooklyn Araus: Edinburg gave the baby his opera bat to keep it while ho had s little conver- sation with Mrs. Edinburg about the latter's mother. ‘The baby was delighted, and turned it over and over, ‘‘ guing " and droling charming- ly. Accidentally baby touched the spring—the crown flew out with a bog, took. baby aquare in the face, and prostrated it in its little bed. “By aud by,” said its. Edinburg, as she lifted upand endeavored to pacify the screaming infaut, “ by and by, Bx. Edinburg, I suppose you'll be giving the little darling your American revolver to play with {” MISCELLANEOUS FEMININE ITEMS. Grammatically speaking, a kiss is a conjano- tion. When Pittsburg ladies mean to compliment gentleman's mustache, they call it ‘real camel’s hair.” Baid « thoughtful fathertobis new son-in-law: “ Now tbat you have won her, you must tour.”— Danbury News. * A Connecticut girl married 1 Chinaman tospite her mother, but after ths third tarastiing sho returned home to epite the Obinaman. A Buode Island woman says thst she'd rather ave the nightmare seven straight nights thao to tell her busband that the fionr barrel is empty. A Cansdinn psper Jately recorded the death of a young woman in Tilsonburg, caused by the habit of ber sleeping with her.tightly-laced cor a itd “true to hed lover, and i was true merriel btn when became back from California, after an absecoe of twenty years. hi. B.—He came back rich. ok a -. 4 Bir,” 0 Henry's wife, tes gentieman ‘essa eee fea sre dalnjing tbe train.” “Madam.” said be, “your conductor should pall the bolle.” : That Egyptian Khedive hss spoiled all the girls, ravaa momber of the Homo-Guard. They evon'ttase uy with anything but navy-officers ‘and hickory-nut diamouds now. Mru. Spilkins, while sitting for hr photograph, the other dav, unfortuaataly had her mouth open ; and Spilkins, when he saw the proof, pro- noaneéd it a speaking likeness. : An economical farmer's daughter in Massa~ chusetts put off her wedding-day because eggs were op to 40 cants a dozen, and it would take two dozen for the wedding-cakes and puddings. A gitl fa the lower part of Buffalo wanted to get marriod. Hor mothkersaid No! The maiden then petitioned to be allowed to go to the thea tre; aho said that she wanted to have some fan, A Covington lady staitod a: Matrimonial Intelligence Ofice” reoeatiy, and mauaged to marry to herself the first’ man that applied, sien Proceeding brought the inatitatioa to an ent “When you see a man so partickler,” says Mrs. Merrowfat, ‘as never to take a glass of water without looking through 1¢ for insecks, don’t trust him—ne’s on his way to a drunksrd’s grave.” An Omaha woman lifted a barrel of flour from the groand into 2 wagon ou Tuesday, gare bita to twins on the follusing, and on Saturday of the same week split wood enough to last over Sonday. As near as can be ascertained, about twenty Women are making all the fusa throughout the United States about woman's rights, Te form, and lundred social topics, This isa re- markable illustration of womau’s power. One of the girls at Vassar keeps up her stodies, keeps track of eight fove stories. in weokly papers, Writes twice par week to five qonng men, sews fora charitable society, sad tinds time to ride, and skate, and practica for = concert. There is « young girl in Dubuque who whistles so sweetly that people come from long distances tohear her. She has been offered $100 a week and expenses to travel and pertorm 1 public, but bee. parents are well of and refuse their conson! The New York Commercial Advertiser notes the fact tuat Sirs. Sine, of New Joises, 1s living with ber rourth husband, snd saya that ‘the other three must have gone off on a tangent.” ‘That may sccount for tus first and third, put not (or the secant, An Idaho gentleman stri himself, bun bis sppatel ou the eaw- mee and tetaed. oa pile of cord wood. His mixtase was discovered by his wife, who overheard bim quarreling with an imsginary old oman about there not being cover enough on the bed. “Yea, boye,” said Nancy Bell, s female black- smith of lows, as sho straddled a horse's leg, and yanked off a shoe, “I was brogght up to this bnsiness, and so was my mother; and there ain't been no Bodclter seandg:a in our family, fot a fact." —Miluartve News, It was Jones, we botiove, who got mad at bis wife the other ‘night,. whea he tuonght bo beard barslarsia tho house. She woulan't let him go down inany more than the munzlo garment he had on, lost, if ho should get atabbad, wbe'd have to meud.s hole in his pauts. Col, Prall, of Lexington, Ky., says av old iady on his peusion-roll, now hviug in chat city, war 101 years old last October. Bui the old lady is killing herself smoking a pipe. She bes been st it now for the last half coutury, sod be thinks she can’t stand it many years luuger. Detroit Free Press: Yesterday, while 2 young lady from Nankia Townsnio was haviog hor pbotograph tazen, and just at the moment when it was required of her to keep perfectly still, sue suddenly threw up ber_arms aud exclaimed: “Oh! Lordy sakes, but I forgot totake this quid of gum ont of my mouth!” An Indiana man bos eued for divorea on the ground that bis wife bas hit him on ove spot on dia bead with the rolling-pin for nineteen yaars, and bis physician tells bim that be will certainly have softeving of the brain unless the womap selecta some other point. She declarcs that she iy vo old to cuange hez habits, hence the suit. The Montgomery (Va.) ife er, BByS: «Somme two. seare tg, hry. Morgane who ives on Wolf Creek, in Giles County, gave mirth to five malo children st ons time, They are still living, are not in tho siightest deformed, are of good ‘constitution, and as eprigntly as woll-fed fitteos, Mr. Morgan ig a laoorer, and quite poar.” _ Says a wife to her husband as tho curtain do- scends on the prostrate form of Juliet: ‘Ab. when we were married you vowed that, were I taken from you, vou would kill yourself on my tomb, ag Jnliet did on Romeo's, You wouldn't dosonow.” *Quly kill yoarelf, my desr, only kill yourself," replies the nusband, ‘and sea wacther [ would not keep my vow.” ‘An actress of one of the Paris theatres ap- prosched the physician of the eatablishmeat and se “Doctor, you can do me great favor.” “Name it,” said the doctor, who was examoret of the actress. ** Ob,” was the response, i not avery dinioult thing. You are the physician oi Mlle. % She is my rival. I want yon to give her a ferer which will keep her from the stagoa fortuight.” ‘ A Sav Francisco wife by mistake took liquid ammouis, and it burned her mouth ternbly. Her husbaod, upon hearing the docter’s opin- ion that she would not be able to speak for a month, said, with fstense and epoutaneous fer- vor, “Thauk God for that!” Later he explained that be means to expross gratitude for tho prob- abilitv of her recovery, but she did not seem to be entirely satisfiod. Aventioman in wast of a bourekeeper tried en odd experiment. He sent ous two advertise- ments, one for a lady of education aod elegant msoners, qualified to act as a companion as well as housekeeper, ond was overwhelmed with re~ plies. The only requirement in the other adver- fisement wae that the lads aboald be plain in features, but not 2 solitary applicant appeared to answer that appeal. A dame who in her swect maidenhood, some forty years ago. lost the power of speech, and thereafter and thereby won the heart and uaud of sv admiring swain, haa lately unexpectedly recovered loquacity, 2nd is making up for lost time, and the afflicted husband in said to be anxiously ioquiring whother violation of sn im- plied essential condition of the marriage con- tract be not valid ground for divorce, ‘A doctor, practicing in Minnesota, lost ber hhnsband recently, and gave his body to a medical institution for dissection, A few days after- wards a brothor of the departed arrived from a distant city to visit him, not having heard of bis death, and the ead news was conveyed by the enthusiastic widow in this style: “Poor Tom is dead; but didn’t he cut ap splendidly! T've got his liver io s glass jar. Would you like to see it?”. ‘The other day, an old fallow from Delaware, going weat on s Michigan Central train, atepped off the coach when it reached Sestlantt, and, slipping on the icy platform, went fat dowa and broke a log. Everybody sympathized with him ‘io his misfortuae, but he waved bis hand and rephed: ‘It’s all right—no oue to blame but myself, My old woman was Isid up for two years, and now I've gotschance to get even with her. If she don’t have todo some tall dusting ground and sitting up nights, then my ame 160’t Jordon.” pict eee Swinburne’s Gift of Melody. Before tho advent of Swinburne we did not realize -the full scope of English verse. {n his hands it is like the wiolinof Paganini The range of bis fantasias, rouladee, arias, pew ef- fects of measure and sound, is incomparable with anything hitherto knowo. ‘The firat emo- tion of one who studies even his immature work is that of wonder at the freedom and richnesa of his diction, the susurrus of bis rhsthm, his: uncouscious alliterations, the end- Joss change of bis syllabic harmonies—reguitiog in the alternate softuess and strength, height and fall, riotous and chastened music, of his of- finevt verse, How does be produce it? Who tunght bim all the bidden springs of melody? He was born a tamer of words, » sabduor of this most stubborn, yet most copious, of the literary tongnes. Iv bis poetry we discover qualities we did not koow were in the lan- mage—a softness that seemed Italian, 9 ragged strength we thought was German, § blithe and debonsir Kspioees woe despaired of capturing from the nck. He has addeda score of new stopa and pedals to the instrament. Ho has introdaced, partty from other tongues, stavzaio forms, meagurea, and effects, uotried before ; and bas brought ont the swiftness and force of meters Lke the snapestic, carrving each to perfection at « single trial, Words in Inshands are hike the ivory balls of a jug-- ler, and ail words seem to be in his hands. is fellow-craftemen, who slone can under- stand what haa been done im ther art, will not term this statement extravagance. Speaking only of his command over language and meter, Tpave s right to reaffirm, and to show by many illustrations, tbat be ia the most sovereign of rbywthists, He compels the inflexible elements to his use. Chaucer ia more uppid, Shakspeare more kingly. Milton loftier at es, Byron bas an unaffected power—but neither Shelley nor the greatest of bis pi is dithvramble, and ‘Bo One has been im all ae teer:tof verse. With equal gifts, I say, none have been, for Swinburne comes sfter and by the arts of ail Poets ofte1 win dis~ Pp od tiveion by producing works that differ from whit haa gone before. It secms as if Swin~ burne, in this ripe period, resolved to excel others by a mastery of known melodies, adaicg & Dew Magic to eaci, and going beyond the Yanze of the farthest, amanng tricks of rlytbm are those of a gymnass emtheaping bis fellows. We had Keats, Sheller, and Cole- ridge after Collms and Gray, and Tennyson after Keats, but pow Swinburne adda such élab- oration, that an art which was thought perfected seems almost tame. In the first place, he was a born prodigy—as mach so aa Marphy in chess; added to this, he is the product of these latter days, 8 phenomenon impossible before. Ibis ange to declare that at last a time has come when the force of expression can no further go. Ido not say that it bas not gone too far. ‘The fruit may ba too Inscious, tne flower of an odor too intoxicating to endure. Yet what execution ! Poorry, the rarest poetic feeling, may be found in simpler verse. Yet again, what exccution! ‘The voice may not be equal to the grandest mu- sic, Dor trained and restrained as it should bo, But the voico is there, and its poasessor hes th fibest natural organ to which this generatiou hag Matened.—E. C, Stedman, Scribner for Marck. SUMOR. The easiest way to pay a gas-bill is to burs Kerosene. The playfol Iamb doos not sing the music of opera-boutfe, but Offenbaas. ‘Mark Twain bas a 2-year-old boy weighing 106 pounds. They call him the brosd innocent. Why is s man never knocked down against bit will? Because it ia impossible to fall unless in- clived. | Tho farnitore recently sold at the Astor Houec in New York was rich with historical reminis- cences sud insects. Aman in Terre Haute ate s quart of saw-dust ona wager. Ho will probably have a pain in hia Jambar region if he sticks to such board ag that. The Danbury man tells of a dog that howled hal¢ an bour for s desth in front of an Elm street house before hoe discovered that it was a vacant tenement. “ My lecture,” said 8 California orator, “ wilt be bref.” A turnip hit him on the " divide” at that instant, aud he announced: “The meeting stands adjourned! ” ‘What time isit?” askedone passenger of another in a Detroit depot the ocher day, “Ten minutes to wait,” was the answez, as the mam looked up at the time-table. We muat respectfully decline the pathetic roem entitled, “I Cannot ‘Teil a Lie.” It in too \ate—and it would have beep too late if it had come earlior.—Rochesler Union. Milwaukee News: A Fond du Lac man watch- eds surgeon ampatate anothor’s frozen toe and then fainted away, sad got half the whisky tha doctor bad brought for the sick man. Patient to doctora after consultation: ‘Tel me the worst, gentlemen; am I going to aie?” Doctors: **We are divided on that question, ar ‘but there 17 s majority of one thst you will ive.” A msn was seca at the strect-corner last even- ing to drop a mckel into the lotter-box on va famp-post, and murmur: “Drive on fashtor, driv'r, ‘narry to got’ome; y'ole car's goin’ toc slow.” An Iowa station-agent, who wanted to use a red lantern, but had no globes, wrote to th superintendent to send bim a gallon of red uig- cal-oil, The latter, however, aent him his dis- “Julius,” why dido’t you oblong your stay at the Soringa?” “Kase, Mr, Snow, dey charge too muck.” ‘How so, Julius?” “Wy. de landlord charged dis colored individual wid steal- ing de spoons.” An old maid don’t know what it is to bend over tho children's little white bed, softly pas their curly heads, and hear one of them growl out: “Now, then, Sam, keep your paws eff's ma, az Til bat yon in the eyo.” A Pleasant Prospect—Traveler (in Irelsnd). ‘Hi, pull ber up, maa! Don’t you eee the maro ig running away?” Paddy: ‘Hould tight, yer Onor! For yer life don’t touch the reins !—suro they’ra 2s rotten as pears! I'll turn her into the river at the brilge below here. Sure that will stop Ler, the blazyard !” Tho Detroit Free Press says s contemplated change of Postmaster at Detroit made stamns nocheapst than before. ‘The Detroit - Tribune, however, ssys: ‘The fact thet you can now buy two stampe for § cents at the Detroit Post- Office is sufficient to refute thia slander. One of the stamps, by the way, must bea twowent stamp.” Burlington Hawkeye: A man went into tho St. Jaheo yoeterday eveving, and calliag fora little whisky, raised the giass. bowed to bims>/! in the mirror, and said, ‘Here's ta the next Aldermas from the Third Ward.” And tventy- Beven men got right up acd bowed snd ssid : “Thank you, thank you.” A sma)l boy sat down in a chair at tha Centra) Station Saturday to warm bis foet, aad, ohaerv- ing that the lad’s mouth was ateined with mo- Tasses candy, an officer asked: “So you like molasses candy, eh?” “It I didn’t do you spose I'd git up'n the vight and hook money od:’d dad’s wallet to buy it, and then squeeze in- to a ber'l in the aliey go's not to let the boys soa me eat it ?” indiguantly responded the lad. A female doctor, practicing in Minnesota, fot her hoaband recently, end gave bis body to a madical insvitution for dissection. A few dais afterwards, ® brother of the departed arrive:t from a distant city to visit him, not having heart of bis desth; and the sad news was conveyed by the enthusiastic widow in this style: ‘ Poor Tom ia dead ; but didn’t he cutup splendidly! T’ve got bia fiver ina glass jar. Would you lik to see it?” ‘Tha other evening when a Sixth stree: father boxed his son's ears ag a punishment for impr~ dence, the lad stood before him and remarked: ** Sea here, father, 1 was reading this morning that the drum of the ear is one of the moat sensitive things in the homan syatem. A sud- den blow upon the ear is liab!e to produce deaf- ness, and the practice of cuffing children cannot be too severely censured. It ia but s relic of that dark period when s man with « wart on his nose was put to death aa a sorcerer.” In Augusta, Me., no provision was made last winter for feeding snd lodging tramns. A vaga- bond went into a police atation and wanted to aleep there. “We only lodge pnsoncre,” said the Sergeant behind the desk. “ You only lodgo prisoners,” repeated the vagabond, meditatively. “That's all,” was the reply; ‘you have got to steal something, or assault somebody, or some- bod Se something of that Kini.” nguin repented , of something of tha .” again the Yagaboad, thoughtfully. Than he rearbed across the desk with his right arm, and knocked the Sergeant off his stool, ssying, as the officer got up with bis hand to his eye, ‘Give mo aa good a bed as you kin, Sergeant, ‘cause I don't feo! very well to-night,” Tho following inode, as evolved by litete Johan: ic our dog Yow. ser was @ lyin in tho sun a trine to sleep, Lut the flies was that bad be cuddeat, coa he hsd rocetch em, and bime by a bee lit on his hed, sod was # wolong about luke the dog was bisa. “Towser bs hel hie hed still, and when the bee was close te his nose Towser winked at me, like he said you see what this doffer is s doin, be thinks I'm s liiy of the valley which isn’t open yet, but you just wait til I blossom aud you will sce some fan, and sure enuf Towser opened bis month very slo, so ag not to frighten the bes, and the bee went inside Towser's mouth, Thon Towser be shot his eyes dreamy, and bis mouti too, ant begun to make 2 peacefie amile when the bee stang him, aod you. never see a lily of the valley ack s0 in all your life.” + —__-__— NOT LOST. ‘The look of sympathy; the gentle word Bpoken so low that only ange! heard; ‘The secret art of pure sel¢- _ Unseen by men, but marked by angels’ eyest ‘These are not lout, ‘The sacred music of a tender strain, ‘Wrang from a poet's heart by grief nnd pais, And tumidly, with doubt and fear, ly pause * To busy crowds, who scarce ‘to hear: ‘These are not lost, ‘The silout tears that fall st deed of night rar soled robes, that once ware pare and white; co ‘The prayers that rise Uke incense from the noah, ‘Longing for Christ to make it clean and whele: These are not lost. ‘The happy dreams that gladdened all our youth, ‘When dreams bad less of ecif and more of truth: ‘The childhood’s faith, 00 tranquil and so wea, ‘Which aat like Mary a: the sizacar’s foot? ‘Thase are not lost, ‘The kindly plans devised for othars’ good, Bo seldom guessed, so little understuod ; ‘The quiet, stasdfsst love that strove to win Nat lost, O Lord! for, tu Thy City ‘Our eyes absll see the past by clearer Heet,: And things long hidden frees our ‘Daou wild revesi, sud we shall knew ‘They were nat loot.