The Butler Weekly Times Newspaper, July 9, 1884, Page 6

{ i } } { i f } i i SR ee eaten a 4] 4 eB 7 i i ; iensicailimmaaiestendcmneiehiiaa tibet F ' | WIT AND HUMOR. A young man asks: * best time to move? due. A Freachman has dis ion that garlic is a cur bi will rob th of its terror. A poet chirps: yawning gulf I stood looks like a delicate inti fact that he tried to kiss girl. Not as broad us itis ionz car conductor: ‘* You can 1 er you want to.’ Fat and roll out wnen { don’t want to.’ Texas Stftings. Rosa Bonheur’s hair turned white during her recent iliness. Mr. Barnum would give considerable if his lately- acquired elephant would do likewise. It is now about the color of the ashes of a2-cent cigar. A little 5-year-old boy, who had seen 2. peacock for the first time, ran into the house, exclaiming to his sister: “Oh, Lizzie! I've seen a great, big, monstiferous tail walking round, with a hen tied to it!” A religious weekly tells ‘How to keep from going to sleep in church.”’ One way is to ‘change your minister; but the most effective way is to go fish- ing in the morning, and remain home at pnight to rest. A woman started the first daily paper in the world in London in 1702. It is believed that she did it to break up a sewing society which would not admit her. The paper published all the news before the sewing society met, and in less than a month the society went to pieces. is the 2 rent is of the Louis Sleeping- Ata medical examination the pro- | fessor said toa student: “I will sup- pose that a man has fallen into a deep excavation and broken his skull upon one of the tools the workment left there. You are summoned. What would you do?” The student: ‘I would leave the man there and have the ex- eavation filled up!’ Thomas Holloway, the pill man, is dead. He was worth $10,000,000. He never took any of his own pills, and died at the age of 84 years, fully con- vineed that there is more dollars in selling pills than there is cents is tak- ing them. Reader, go thou and do likew The Hawkeye is the best ad- vestising medium in America Bur= ington Hawkeye. ‘The Empress of Aust n set type. —Exchange. We have been fortunate enough to obtain a proof-sheet of a dozen “society” items set by the Em- press, and present herew a sane ci men of her composition: ‘lye Beauti- jul je Krowskie.wyo sses with is vis hea friend skil’—Norristown Her- an evening school for adults in sey “The Ho * was given to An ag r—one of those wio will shortly have a vote—set to work with # will, and executed the fol- ‘The ors is the noblest of an- ermals and so is the kow. if you hit im he won't do it. The has 4 legs ae a: —London Graph Accor ty int question whet ors” whieh 2 phia Times, uted over the retlect- nd-story inmates of a ¢ on outside, soe niows, house tos to ticul who is ringing the door bell, are to be tolerated. It seems to be very generally agreed that they are convenient, but in ‘horrid form.”’ They are very numerous. A mother seal followed a schooner which had captured ner baby along the coast of California for eighty miles. fter the vessel reached the wharf at ta Barbara the young seal was tied up in a jute sack and let loose on the deck. Soon afier coming to anchor the seal responded to its mother’s calls by casting itself overboard, all tied up as it was ‘in the sack. The mother seized the sack, and with her sharp teeth tore it open, and the reunited pair — off together.—Tales of the The meanest girl has just been found.’ She is an Albia, Iowa, girl who has a t calf, which she has haltered in the nt yard. She has taught it to fight, and when her fellow takes his depar- ture she loosens the picket rope and rope and the calf butts him over. She rushes to his rescue with seemingly heroic devotion and saves him. Hero- ism is a great quality ina woman, but it is unfair for a girl to win the affec- tions of her fellow by this deception, matte if ignorance is bliss. A merchant in Berlin, having fallen in love with an opera singer, purchased two dresses and sent them to her to make her choice, saying he would call to know her decision. " Shortly, how- ever, before the hour he had intended to set out on his errand, the merchant received from his beloved a billet doux to the following effect: ‘‘Of the dresses you have sent I like one quite as well as the other. I will, in fact, keep both, so that you have no need to call. “Well,” said the proprietor of a sea- side hotel to his chief clerk, ‘itis about time we were thinking about needed improvements."’ “What are you go- ing'to do in that line?” asked the clerk. “Let me see,"? answered the proprie- tor, meditatively; ‘‘we must air all our mattresses, the kitchen will have to be whitewashed, four of our six bathing suits need patching and there will have to be a new button. put on the ladies’ bath house door. It seems to me we are never done with expense.”” “Mr. Schmidt,” said a German tleman yesterday, as he entered a Hits. burg merchant's aa bat a! schmall — ens: Schau Se the hurried reply, “don’t come here,” wanlons dineet — oe you tellers anyhow oT bef dor onal por x ill | indeed, you should not “complain. That | knap, we found here that the mines ———— a f butter oud in mine wagon vot der Mrs. Schmidt ortered last wick al- reaty.”” Explanations and cigars fol- lowed. li you are poor there is one conscla- tic Your rs will not go into court to prove that you w an im becile dur- ing your childhood, an idiot the time of your ma and a ing lunatic for year: d. in this world, for s some all-suf- cient reason that is wisely hidden from mankind, who just love to rush into the court-room and the newspapers to prove such things about their rich fathers. They can’t always prove them, but they try their best. ‘And yet there are some people who think there is no world better or more perfect than this one.—Hawkeye. The Providence Journal says of the high opinion held of himself by the boy who has reached 16, the last stage | of boyhood, ‘There is no question “of which he has not a confident and all- | disposing judgment. Why, if we were } all 16, there would be no need of Con- | gress nor of the Supreme Bench. We | should each know it all. In religion | his opinions are equally decisive. “But | | do not understand me, my friends, that in making fun of the boy, at this or | any other period of his life, I mean to deprecate or discourage his aspirations. | Far from it. I would not give a penny for the boy of sixteen who did not try to be a man.” The law’s advantage: Young doctor —-“Hello, John, how are you getting along?’ Young lawyer—*‘I have only secured about a dozen clients so far, but they all stick to me, so I should not complain.” Young doctor—‘‘No, is the advantage of being a lawyer. I wish IT had studied law instead of med- icine.’ Young lawyer—“‘Indeed, have you failed to get patients?” Young doctor—‘Well, no. I have had pretty good luck getting patients, but they don’t stick.” Young lawyer—‘‘Why is that??? Young doctor—“I don’t know. They just die off.”” $< a __—_ A Bit of Advice from the Coeur d'Alene. The glowing and enthusiastic reports Iread before leaving Chicago repre- | sented Eagle City to be in a state of hopeful excitement, while, alas! there is no trace of excitement to be found now. The town is quiet and business | dull, and although everybody seems | sanguine, or at least pretends. to ap- pear so, a reaction seems to have set in. Contrary to what we heard at Bel- could not be worked yet, while the snow is still deep in the mountains and | the water rising rapidly. Only a few claims are being worked now, and | these ineffectually. There are no cap- | italists here; a great many if not the most of the c are being held by | men who have no means to open and work them, and there few claims | an interest could not be bought ‘There is not a in which cheaply. twenty mi gulch within | is not loeated, pensive | busines 2@ no money in camp, things do not look ry bright at the present moment, thinks tha will turn out camp aft 1; but there is no ¢ working the ims before the snow | disappears. rough this might be 2 good country for prospectors who | have sufficient money to hold out, or who w specula it is no coun xr the poor man. Li ing is dear, for employment none, there being no money in camp to employ ls tion is scan- ty and awful In short, I should earne advise everybody ex- cept capitalists not to think of coming out before the end of June, if at all, for those who come with but little money will spend it before they can get employment, and those arriving here with no money stand no chance of making a living.—Correspondence Chi- cago Limes. $+ oa ____ “Looking for a Bank.” n to pits 1 expensive. Yesterday afternoon an officer pa- trolling Griswold street observed a stranger closely scanning the various buildings, as if measuring their dimen- sions with his eye, and finally inquired if he was looking for any particular number. “I'm alooking for a bank,” was the reply. “Well, there’s half a dozen on the street.”” “Yes, I see, but I ain’t quite satisfied. I’ve turned over a new leaf, and am gre to start a bank account. Here’: 's 2 I'm going to put in as a nest-e “Well I guess it will be safe with any of them.’ “‘Mabbe so, but I'm kinder mixed. I¢I bank with a four-story building like enough a cyclone will come along and shave off about two stories. If bank with any of the two-story fellers mebbe they'll rent the upper floor to somebody who'll dig down into the vaults and gobble my cash.”” The officer left him in a state of doubt, but two hours later found him in the alley in rear of the Postofiice hap yy drunk. ave you got over your doubt?’’ asked the blue-coat, as he kindly col- | lared him. *Whaz you mean?” | “Why, ubout the banks.”’ li “Yez, sur—yez, sur, ‘stead of taking f-four or sank I split differ- | enze and left all mone} in tnree-story s-saloon! Whoop! Turned over a new leaf and go t ‘er bank my- "eS3. er ooo New York is the center of the cigar- making trade. She bas nearly 4, 1,000 factories, and turns out 1,000,000,000 cigars a year. Pennsylvania, Ohio, and lindis rank after New York. ‘There were made in this country last year 3,177,860,952 cigars, about forty | for every pound of tobacco used. About 35,000,000 were imported, thn« making a total of about 3,150,000,00 .- 60 for | | every man, woman and c.. in the United States, and 250 for every man over twenty-one years of age. | — | used at the surface of the burned Simple Home Remedies. oonful ef common t by cleansing ses of one to S promptl neases of po son Itis an > is always on if and. remedy for b It is a valuable | hages, particularly fo eeding after the extraction of teeth. It has both | cleansing and healing properties, and is therefore a most excellent appi tion for superficial ulcerations. Mi tard is another valuable remedy. No family should be without it. nto half a pint of water acts as an emetic very promptly, and is milder | and easier to take than salt and water. Equal parts of ground mustard and flour or meal made into a paste with warm water and spread on a thin piece of muslin, with another piece of muslin laid over it, forms the indispen- sable ‘‘mustard plaster.”’ It is almost a specific for colic when applied for a few minutes over the ‘‘pit of the stom- ach.”’ For ali internal pain and con- gestions there is no remedy of such gen- eral utility. It acts as a counter-irri- tant by drawing the blood to the sur- face; hence in severe cases of croup a small mustard plaster should be ap- lied to the back of the child’s neck. he same treatment will relieve almost any case of headache. A mustard plas- ter should be moved about over the spot to by acted upon, for if left in one place it is liable to blister. A mustard plaster acts as well when a consider- able distance from the affected part. An excellent substitute for mustard lasters is what is known as ‘‘mustard eaves.’’ They come 2 dozen in a box, and are about four or five inches. They are perfectly dry, and will keep | for a long time. For use it is only nec- essary to > dip one ina dish of water for a minute then apply it. Common bak- ing soda is the best of all remedies in cases of scalds and burns. [it may be either dry or wet. It is the best applications for eruptions caused by poison ivy and other isonous 5 5 as also for bites and stings of Owing to colds, f over-) yue, anxiety and various other causes, the urine is often scanty, highly-colored and more or less londed with phosphates, which settle to the bottom of the vessel on cooling. As much soda as can be dip- ped up with a 10-cent piece, dissolved i lass of cold water and drunk every three hou will. soon remedy the trouble.—Hali’s Journal of Health. SS ee No Encouragement. elma, Alabama, who piece of land and gone into cotton, t down th a white man one day last February to see how he had come out. “Let's sce!’ d his friend, as_ he got out his pencil. ‘‘You raised four ales, eh?’ «4Zactiy fo’ bales, s: “It took two to pay the rent?’ “Yes, sah.”’ **And the other two to square up for ration: “Dat's it.” “And now you want to know how much you are ahead! Well, Moses, you seem to have come out about even.”” ‘‘Am dat so?’’ replied the old man, with a crestfallen look. ‘If you can’t figuer dat I’m at least fifty dollars in debt, I doan’ see any incours agemen to § ahead dis spring!’ — Wall Street ews. a ____. Two Ideas of an American Gentleman. The truth is there are many different qualities called by the name of vulgar- ity. Wehave had the misfortune , of coming across many vulgar Americans, and the pleasure of coming acroés many of the same nation who were gen- tlemen in the very highest sense of the word, and the same experience, of course, we have had of our own coun- trymen. But the particular form of vulgarity that is most offensive is not that of Mr. Washington Adams (of the Grant White papers in the Atlantic), but that of Mr. Mansfield Humphreys. The one is lacking in good breedin; and good manners, he is coarse an unpleasant, and offends our taste in a thousand different ways. But the oth- er, underneath an artificial polish, contains notasingle quality of true refinement of mind. He is always thinking of his own good, and other people’s bad behavior, and he is—the worst sign of all—aggressively touchy. He has studied the part of the centle- man as an actor might, and goes through it as an actor does. But with one real touch of nature he always shows his real self. He is always pa- rading the fact that his part is real, ne he never takes in his audience. soften most pleasant and agree- able on surface, but, however, much people may like to be amused by him, they never wish to be connected with i e. And ail the time he conscious that the sur- nown to be surface-pol- eryone who has the slightest re man whom Mr. the type are with an “old English gentieman.”” tismost unfair to the character cf | America that such a man should be re- presented as tue best type it can pro duce—London Saturday Revicw. <r ———— A New York woman has left her hus- band a large fortune on condition that be shail remain single Happiness ' Woes con in double doses eccasionally. it and | Two or | easpoontfuls of ground mustard stirred LOUIS TURNER, Veit, toothac ux, burns, colds, etc. Particularly recommende lood resulting e $1.00 per be rer of e, and ler is are 3° 3 Dr. Tt medic suce ully Ises particularly nonchitis, sore throz of tt lungs, chest, n breathing passages, and all ie dise. ’ eases pecu- sARTICULAR bas St. Lo Mo. never’ F OUT OF ORDER. Prepared by ’ Ww Sey mmed- own, deale H aN No EQUAL == EW HOMES cs cHINEC F 30 UNION SQUARE NEW YORK ss meries & oeiCAe, ot ANe, ALAW> 2 ee ONmacs bese . FOR SALZ BY | eos WS es River, Va, in 1ern settlement, J, F, Mancha, moe ie FARMS illustrated circu i witha st what is now vby the Litera R > of the superl be 10 HOURS 40 CIXC] S FOWASHING! 30 HOt ALTIM« 1QURS TO B 38 HoURs rs the q al Fast Time t New York and without cha other es to KNOW THYSELF. Pana onan TAD P unge of cars. AGHEAT MEDICAL WORK ON MAMIOGD Exhausted vitality, nervous and physi- cal debility. Premature deline in| man, errors’ of Youth, and the untold misertes resulting from indiscretion or excesses. A book for every man, young midle-aged andold. It contains 125 prescriptions for all acute and chronic diseases, each one ot which is invaluable. So tound by the Author, whose experience tor 23 vears is such as probably never before fellto the lot ot any physician. 300 pages, bound in beautitul French muslin embossed covers, full gilt, guaranteed to be a finer work in every sense—mechani- literary and professional—than any other work sold in this country tor $2 50 or the money will be retunded in every mail, DAILY "Ris AINS. With d Pal- to Cincinnatti and. Louisville Through Day Cars, Parlor Cars ace Sleeping Coaches, The Ohio & Mississipp: Railway R Is now Running 2 Double Daily line. instance. Price only $1 00 by 4 post paid. Illustrative sample 6 cents. Or Send now. Gold medal awarded the or by the National Medical Associa- PALACE SLEFING CARS to the officers of which he reters, From St. Lou to Kew s book shoula be read by the young and by the afflicted for Without change. tor instruction, relict. It will benefit all.—London Lan- cet. There is no member of society to whom will not be useful, whether arent, guardian, instructor Argonau this book Insti A PRIZE. ree, a costly box o help all, of either s away than an Fortunes awai sure. Aton ae Maine, eee eat ation & 107 3 nis Strengtn. If you PEABODY E Picea t n'l Manager. igor, and tres FICC; 2 uabnesercie sat rasa and Bods. S . Stor *- Agen? At Dicsiers, of BY zaati from Sa rus Leuis, Me. 35-1 WONDER, *™) MARRIAG General Westers Parscn- ATE Sufferers from an fcate, or Chrontc Ones —. {two Stamps for Dy ated Works. ities " e every sym 3 Espectat ‘ < of Nerveas ae <a or. Of ate. A friendhe Xposure. “IH toll Address letters D. CLARKE, M. 811 Locust St., St. Louis, Me ~e for Salt Rheam, Eczem: id, Tetter, Hiv andra a Pine the part 1s, Cuts, Ulcers or Sores, no remedy ts y 03 Bapiltoa Ski, mp. Directions in ten law, ae CATARRH GUR insuMlatie~ lulte, Clea: Cures all Gisrases of the Nesal Organs, by infection or by spraying, tn cl: iin ad the nostril end pe iis natural t hn or Cold in the Head which is ngesin the atmosphere—Sai ifs Sogo Pain in the pn fas 9 OF Chronie Cater e Cold, this | poe will permanently « fut rank asa cure for Hay Fever, as ¢ certify, “thas been aed ‘oeveral yeas JAPILLON | ‘COUGH CURE without the sii 4 8 or che micals, but ua to the roheg Dire. nopary Catarrh, sunguages uccoiapany every bo APILLOK of th ‘This mec iption « ba A. ¥rom these sources arise three-fourths ot liseases of tho human raee,_ These ay idicate theirexistence : Loss of ppet.ic, Bowe!s costive, Slek Head- re, faliness wie entail’ Tercetation estrtion of body or ini Eructation of food, Tertvattlit: epirlts, A feeling having moglected some aniy, Dizziness, Flatte rine atthe shh cole TION: aad do. Heart, ota before the e: ored Urine, CONSTIP. mand the use ofa remedy that ac areca on the Liver, Fees norte PILUS have no equal. eir actionas the Tha cod eT pipe teens it; removing 2 urities through ese | iates of the system,” gigertene ph Kinundavisgrous Bode TUT - ima aa v) ‘ve cause nO nor interfere nausea with daily work pie hes eed ANTIDOTE | TE. SSAL AR. TUTTS HAIR DYE, y Drees pic atlon of thie Dre peace ee Or sent by express on, reeeiptof Offica, 44 Murray Street, New TUTT'S PIANUAL OF USEFUL RECEIPTS FREE. Riversids, © |. “fhe dry elimate cures . Sees Trost Lanes, fall fail iden, Sep, Poute, eos Bom je that the doubtfn! , Cloth and gu ait bind ‘Guide. 184 pis, oes WHITTIER °'2y"'c-Sia" 7 ST, |r soy oom | per ed Trot Ait, v a aind Prmeilet free. a ir | Bt wars in the LEAD! BELDINC’S cine Ah 13 25 Be CPE ES BON i, i Seng in, Strength & Elastic” Elasticiy A3 NO EQUAL! TRILL Exhibitions is due solely to the Par pon ngt —- we larity ts Ricbraidery Sitk h: walt the poe points of ave e scbretder @ictiuainn tueir BrOOL SUS ee | jenny (HIS ESE